Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, and don't do this for money. I'm just bored.

Author's note: This story takes place after Olivia's assault at Sealview. She has been seeing her boyfriend Leon for about a year.

Olivia's Dark Nights

Olivia was still struggling with her sexual assault at Sealview six months after the attack. She remembered it as if it were yesterday. She could see the prison guard's face so clearly. She couldn't get the image of his penis out of her mind. Her stomach churned in disgust just thinking about the ordeal. She had been tortured by these images for six months, and there was no end in sight. She had been to three different therapists, and two separate support groups, but she found no relief. On the outside, she tried to go on with her life as normally as possible. Truthfully, the aftermath of the attack was killing her inside.

"Earth to Olivia.!" Cragen said trying to get her attention.

"Sorry Cap, what were you saying?"

"Are you okay? You have been zoning out a lot lately."

"I'm fine. Just a little distracted."

Cragen looked at her questioningly and continued. "As I was saying, you are due in court tomorrow at nine for the Hollingsworth case. Your report will have to be done before you leave tonight. I know it's short notice. Will that be a problem?"

"No Cap, that's fine. I'll get right on it."

Cragen looked at Olivia as if he was going to say something, but instead turned and went back to his office.

Olivia was nervous about her date that evening. She had been seeing Leon for about a year now. Things were getting serious. Her assault had affected her relationship however. She felt as if she couldn't get close to Leon anymore. There was something that kept her at a safe distance. She knew he noticed the change in her and wasn't happy about it. She hoped he loved her enough to understand. Later that night, Leon and Olivia were alone in her apartment.

"Olivia, is there something wrong? Have I done anything to upset you?"

"No, why do you ask.?"

"You have been growing more and more distant. Even when we are together, its like you are somewhere else; always staring into space. What is wrong?"

"I'm sorry Leon. I'm still dealing with so much from the assault. I'm having a hard time coping, It's just not getting any easier. All the stress at work just makes it harder. Every time a new case comes along, I relive my own assault all over again. Nothing I do stops the images from flashing in my mind."

"Olivia, I'm sick of it! Its always about that job! All I ever hear about is your work, and your assault. I'm sorry that it happened to you, I really am. But its time to let it go! It's over! When does it become about us again? My god you don't pay any attention to me! We haven't had sex in months!"

Olivia's mouth hung open in shock. "Sex, is that all you care about? You don't know me at all!"

"I cared about you until you holed yourself up in your own little world Olivia! I wanted to marry you, but all you have done is push me away! I wanted you back, just as things were a few months ago!"

"I don't believe you! You have no idea what I've been going through! It's not something a person can get over!"

"You know what Olivia, I don't care anymore! I've moved on, and her name is Vanessa!"

"You bastard! Get the hell out of here!"

Olivia was devastated. She threw herself in bed. She was sobbing uncontrollably. She couldn't breathe.

"I can't believe I've ruined another relationship. I ruin everything for myself over and over again!" Olivia thought. She hated herself with a passion. She had nothing left in her life. She felt numb to the core of her soul. Olivia grasped an exacto knife and began making cuts on her upper thigh. Olivia swore to herself years ago she wouldn't start this again. She was a cutter as a teenager and twenty-something. It was her deep dark secret. No one knew about it, not even Elliot. She couldn't help herself. She cried as she cut lines into her flesh. She felt the sting of the cut as the her blood oozed out of the slits. The sight of her own blood seemed to erase some of her pain. She pressed a clean white tissue onto the wounds. She got ready for bed, and took 2 sleeping pills. She was emotionally exhausted. All she wanted to do was sleep.