White walls, a stark white void of all encompassing depression. White, bearing all colors and absorbing all colors yet displaying none – it swallows expression and hope in its misleadingly innocent pallets.
Tall mirrors reflecting simplistic objects, everything exactly as it is. Everything but the strange figure that stood next to the pale boy – a trick of the mind? There is no one standing beside him in the room yet there he is, there the figure stands with his mocking grin staring right back at the boy slightly to the left of his own reflection, why?
There shouldn't be anything there shouldn't be the voice that speaks to him from beyond the glass. There should be no one else in the room besides the pale boy with the white hair, silver eyes and milky skin – the boy who was white, everything about him represented by the color so apt to his appearance – the deceptively innocent creature that is Allen Walker.
Pure of heart? Hardly.
Innocent? Only if you call a Noah – destroyer of souls – innocent.
It was in this room of ambiguity Allen would hide and cry and wonder. He reached out touching the glass with a pained longing and morbid fascination.
"Mana, why me?" Allen's voice was so lost, so lifeless.
"Play. Sing. Create." The figure spoke temptingly, provoking, prompting.
Walking backwards to stand beside the white piano Allen's fingers traced the ivory keys.
"It is yours", the figure said, "the words, the sounds, the melody were all given to you."
Hesitant fingers danced over the keys, not faltering, not fumbling and simply playing. Soft words spilled from pale quivering lips, erupting from within Allen's reluctant body.
Slamming his hands onto the keys to break the spell the music seemed to pose; Allen fell onto the white bench, eyes hazy and unfocused.
"Why?" Allen just couldn't understand. "Why am I the embodiment of everything I'm supposed to hate? Why if Mana gave me this did he curse me to see the souls of the creatures that as a Noah I should be fighting alongside? Why is my existence such a bloody contradiction?"
There was silence and there only ever would be silence because though he wasn't alone the shadow enjoyed his torment too much to ruin it by speaking.
Allen would retreat here, to this small hell within the ark; it had become his cursed sanctuary. It caused him so much pain just being in the room yet it was the only place he could cry, the only place he'd allow himself to break down. He'd smile like he always did, and laugh and bicker and fight, but when he was here, in this room of all encompassing despair, he didn't have to pretend that he was everyone's savior, didn't have to pretend that everything was alright.
Sighing as he walked down the halls of the Black Order Allen pulled on his best smile before entering the cafeteria.
"Allen over here!" Lenalee called waving the boy over to the table she, Lavi and Kanda were sitting at. Kanda wore his trademark scowl and Lavi was nursing the bump on his head – probably for doing something stupid like calling Kanda by his first name again.
Allen walked over to the table being greeted by a hug from the red haired male.
"Allen, Yuu's being mean to me, I only said that he shouldn't be so-" Lavi was cut off by a sharp glare from Kanda.
"Finish that sentence and it'll be the last one you ever speak." Kanda's voice was deadly – clearly he was angry about something.
"I haven't seen you around much today Allen. Where have you been?" Lenalee asked.
"I was training out in the woods," Allen said, "I haven't been on a mission in a while so I was just blowing off some steam."
Kanda looked at Allen skeptically wondering what the boy was playing at. 'I was training in the woods and the Moyashi was nowhere in the vicinity,' Kanda thought.
"You should be enjoying your off time," Lavi said.
"I am, I just can't sit still for days on end when there's so much that I should be doing," Allen said laughing lightly.
"You really need to lighten up; things have been quiet since the attack. It's a regrouping time for both sides and you shouldn't be making the most of this down time," Lavi said grinning. Lenalee nodded in agreement.
"He's right Allen, you've been overworking yourself," Lenalee said.
"No really I'm fine," Allen said "I'm going to go get lunch." The white haired boy quickly made his way to the window where Jerry beamed at him.
Kanda shook his head and stood to leave.
"Yuu, where are you going?" Lavi asked as the Japanese male began to walk away from the table.
"Che, none of your business baka Usagi," Kanda scowled as he stalked out of the cafeteria.
Allen returned to the table and noted the fact that Kanda had left and was slightly relieved that the older male was gone. Kanda never pretended to be nice; the blatant annoyance he felt for the boy though discouraging put Allen at ease but made it harder for him to keep up pretenses. When everyone was feigning joy Allen could only feel the pangs of self loathing sink in because they were wasting their time on him, believing in a person who was unable protect anyone.
Allen ate quickly making little, meaningless conversation with Lavi and Lenalee before excusing himself. He headed up to his room, as he was rounding a corner though; he crashed into a black clad firm body.
"K-kanda," Allen stuttered as he looked up into the older male's dark steely eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Che, watch were the fuck you're going Moyashi," Kanda snapped, brushing past Allen. Kanda paused, turning his gaze back onto Allen to see the young boy shaking his head an agitated look on his pale features. "Why did you lie about where you were?" Allen's silver eyes snapped up to meet Kanda's.
"What makes you think I was lying?" Allen asked.
"Don't fuck with me. I was out training all morning and I would have remembered seeing a scrawny baka Moyashi," Kanda said. Allen was silent as his gaze fell to the ground.
'It's already hard enough to pretend around him and here he is calling me on my lies, how damn unlucky can I get,' Allen thought bitterly.
"Che, baka Moyashi," Kanda grumbled as he walked away leaving Allen alone in the hallway.
"I really am, aren't I?" Allen whispered as he stared at the spot the Asian male had previously been in.
"Will it hurt?" Allen asked as he stared into the mirror, silver eyes glossed over with disdain. The figure in the mirror grinned – the look that haunted Allen. "Will I just disappear? Will I feel it when I become a Noah?"
Allen had once again retreated to the ark. Being cooped up at HQ was only making it harder to keep smiling at everyone. He could feel it, his resolve was slipping. There was an indefinite amount of time before the Noah in him would take over. He didn't know why or how, and after many hours of silent pondering Allen had decided to ask the figure beyond the glass but as he'd expected, he received no answer.
"Play. Sing. Create." It was the only thing that the figure seemed willing to say to him as a shadowy finger pointed towards the white piano.
"Will I hurt them? Will I loose everything that I am to the Noah in me?"
"You will fight and you will fail," the words were almost mocking, still not answering Allen's question.
"How utterly pathetic…if Mana could see me now, what would he say?" Allen muttered as his head lolled back so he was staring up at the white ceiling. 'It'd be better if I simply didn't exist. Then none of this would be happening,' Allen mused.
Hours upon hours passed as silver eyes stared lifelessly at the image in the mirror. Allen was drowning, completely anguished by thoughts of Mana as he contemplated his entire life to have been a lie. The young boy's adopted father was probably the only one with answers, save for the shadow in the mirror but since the first was dead and the latter wasn't speaking, Allen was left to his own ponderings.
"If I left…" Allen's voice was soft and rather broken, "if I left would they be safer?"
"If you were to die perhaps." Allen hadn't expected the shadow to answer, looking up to meet the hollow black swirls for eyes and the maniacal grin that adorned it's his face.
"Why would you say something like that? If I were to die you would as well wouldn't you?" Allen was thrown a whole new set of questions. He was met with silence. 'To die huh?' Allen thought.
Keep walking forward.
'I promised,' Allen thought sighing. Even though he had promised Mana that he wouldn't give up, that he'd keep walking, Allen was loosing his will and his reasons to keep fighting. Mentally slapping himself for even considering killing himself.
'I'm spending too much time in here,' Allen thought as he headed out of the ark.
Kanda had been searching for Komui everywhere, it had been quite a while since the attack on HQ and he wanted to get out and go on a mission, being cooped up at the Order was making him much more irritable than normal. His search eventually led him to the room the entrance to the ark was. Sighing, the Japanese male realized there was no one in the room.
Kanda was about to leave when he noticed movement around the ark, ducking behind a machine of some sort. Kanda's cobalt eyes narrowed as they landed upon Allen, as the boy walked out of the ark. 'What's Moyashi doing in there?' Kanda wondered. What really threw Kanda for a loop was the look upon the younger boy's face, utterly miserable.
Kanda's eyes followed the pale boy from the ark to the door and felt his breath hitch. Allen closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened his eyes any sign of the anguish he'd been portraying was gone. Then Allen opened the door and left the room.
Kanda remained staring at the closed door for long after the boy had left. The image of Allen being so forlorn had seared itself into Kanda's mind and he just couldn't understand what could have caused the normally cheerful boy to bear such an expression.
'Why the heck was I even hiding?' Kanda wondered to himself as he walked towards the door.
Kanda sat at the table across from Allen who was smiling and talking amicably with Lenalee and Lavi. Allen had been on Kanda's mind ever since he'd seen him come out of the ark earlier. How the boy could mask a look like that with a smile was beyond him.
"I'm going to miss you guys so much," Lavi cried dramatically.
"Lavi will you knock it off, you're only going to be gone for a little while," Lenalee said shaking her head at the red head's antics.
"Oh come on you know you'll miss me," Lavi said grinning.
"Yes, we'll miss you a lot," Lenalee said laughing lightly. Allen smiled a nodded in agreement.
"You guys are the best," Lavi said grinning as he slung an arm around Allen's shoulder, pulling the boy awkwardly into a half hug. "Yuu, aren't you going to miss me too?" Lavi asked turning his attention to Kanda who simply scowled in response.
"Aw Yuu, don't be like that," Lavi pouted. "I mean Lenalee and Allen will still be here but I'm special right?"
"I'll be glad to be rid of you baka Usagi," Kanda muttered.
"Allen, you should share some of that bright smile of yours with Yuu, maybe then he wouldn't be so angry all the time," Lavi said as he ruffled the younger boy's white hair affectionately.
'And therein lies the epitome of irony,' Kanda thought dully as he recalled the way Allen had masked his grief with a smile and a cheerful façade. 'Compared to the Moyashi I'm in a state of complete bliss.'
"Che," Kanda stood, shooting Lavi a glare before leaving the table, exiting through the cafeteria doors.
It had been several days since Kanda had witnessed the miserable expression on Allen's face and he simply couldn't get the image or the questions out of his head. Allen seemed completely normal when Kanda saw him – the joyfully optimistic aura never slipping. It made Kanda wonder if he'd been hallucinating, though the look had been much too real and the memory was too vivid to be a result of his imagination.
"Kanda have you seen Allen?" Lenalee asked as she poked her head into the training hall.
"No," Kanda replied stiffly, feeling rather flustered that he couldn't banish Allen from his mind.
"He's been missing all day and Jerry said he hasn't even stopped by for breakfast and its past lunch and he still hasn't showed," Lenalee said, trying to mask the desperation in her voice. Kanda was silent as he didn't move from his seated meditation.
"If you see him, tell him to find me," Lenalee said before leaving Kanda alone again.
'Missing all day and hasn't even gone to eat,' Kanda thought as he stood, 'if she can't find him then he must be in the ark.'
Kanda didn't know why it concerned him, but he made his way to the room the ark was in with no plan or any idea of what to say should he meet the younger exorcist.
"Nnghh," Allen groaned as his glassy silver eyes scanned the white room, landing on the figure in the mirror. He was lying on his back, staring up at the depressingly vast expanse of white above and around him.
"Death huh?" Allen's voice cracked as tears began to trail down his pale cheeks.
The room was a mess to say the least. The large mirrors were fractured, spider like cracks running across their surface, distorting the reflections in it. There were streaks of crimson on the walls, the floor and the furniture. The piano was the only untouched thing in the room.
Allen lay sprawled on the ground white hair stained with the incarnadine substance, knuckles bleeding and white shirt slowly being engulfed in vermillion.
"God how I hate white," Allen muttered as he dragged his hands along the ground beside him leaving crimson trails in their wake.
"Play. Sing. Create." The voice from the distorted reflection spoke a smug yet crazed expression on that vaguely featured face. "Until your last breath."
Allen laughed dryly as he rubbed at the tears that spilled down his cheeks uncontrollably. He'd just wanted it to end, the torturous void of white and the desperation not to become the thing he knew would eventually consume him, and the pretending – god how he hated the pretending. But then a spontaneous bout of sadness overcame him, shaking him through to his very core and it tore at him.
He had screamed until his voice was too hoarse to scream anymore, and had gone mad in attempts to quell the overflowing sadness as it bubbled up within him. He'd clutched at his heart, scraping his nails over the pale flesh of his chest leaving behind bloody wounds. His heart continued to clench in sorrow and he'd smashed all the mirrors glaring into the face of his reflection as he did so, completely ignoring the figure that haunted him. He'd cried and he'd wailed and he'd painted the room red with his blood in his insanity.
Then the sadness died down and he was left a bloody mess, collapsing into the middle of the room as his silver eyes stared past the visible world into the nothingness that lies beyond existence. He'd given up on Mana and the lies he'd been fed all his life and he just wanted to die – death was so much easier.
Kanda stepped through the gate of the ark after having waited for an hour, hoping that by some stroke of luck the boy would decide to up and leave so he wouldn't have to go into it. Once inside Kanda looked around shaking his head as he remembered how he'd hated the unpredictable nature of the place he was currently standing in.
"Moyashi!" Kanda called. "I know you're in here now you better open a bloody door to wherever the hell you are right now!"
'Kanda!' Allen thought startled at the voice that echoed through the white room, as an image of the dark haired samurai appeared in front of him.
Allen didn't know what Kanda thought he was doing there but he couldn't let the older male see him like this – he'd resigned to the fact that he wouldn't be going back at all and now here Kanda was scowling and yelling threats in the ark. Then it hit him 'did something bad happen?' Allen's worry for everyone made him panic and he dragged himself over to the piano and played a few notes as he hummed a door into existence.
Stumbling over to the door Allen opened it poking his head out, silver eyes frantically searching Kanda's steely cobalt ones for any sign that he was there with bad news about the Order. He'd temporarily forgotten about his disheveled appearance and the blood that was slowly draining from his body.
"What are you doing here? Is everything alright? Was there another attack on HQ? Is everyone alright?" Allen asked frantically.
"Damn Moyashi, ever-" Kanda paused as he took in the boy's appearance and his stomach knotted with worry and disgust, 'what the hell happened?' Kanda thought.
Allen had rushed around too much and he was feeling dizzy from the movements and lack of blood. Sliding to the floor Allen held his spinning his head in attempts to ground himself.
"What the fucking hell happened to you?" Kanda was at Allen's side in seconds. Allen said nothing realizing his mistake in opening the door to answer Kanda.
Kanda scooped Allen into his arms as he walked through the door that had been created. The older male would have dropped Allen in shock at the sight of the room had the majority of his thoughts been on the boy in his arms.
"Did you do this?" Kanda asked as he placed Allen down on the couch at the far side of the room. There was no one there who else could have done it but he didn't want to believe the small boy before him had gone crazy and began painting the room with his own blood. Allen was silent confirming the suspicion. "Why the fuck did you do this?" Kanda's voice was harsh, holding both annoyance and worry as he pulled off his shirt and tore it into lengths.
'If I take him to the infirmary it would be better but how the hell am I supposed to explain this?' Kanda thought as he stripped Allen's bloody shirt off and began winding the makeshift bandages around the wounds on the small boy's hands and up past his wrist, stopping just before his elbow.
Kanda's eyes glanced between the blood trickling down the side of Allen's face from within the now partially crimson locks to the torn up flesh above the boy's heart. The Japanese man traced the bloody mess that was the boy's chest with his fingers feeling sick at the sight of it. Questions ran through the Asian man's head as he wadded up a piece of cloth and placed it over the wound, applying pressure to stop the bleeding.
"Moyashi, you are in so much shit right now," Kanda growled as his own hands became stained with the incarnadine liquid that refused to stop flowing. Allen said nothing, didn't even make a sound when Kanda pressed at the wound.
"Oi! Stay awake baka!" Kanda snapped as he noticed the half-lidded silver eyes on the overly pale face.
"I don't want to," Allen muttered his heart beat quickening in attempts to circulate the thinned blood.
"Keep talking to me," Kanda said tightly wrapping a strip of cloth around the boy's chest before attending to the wound on his head. "What are you going to have to eat when you get out of here?" Kanda asked. Allen didn't reply.
"Baka Moyashi, say something damn it," Kanda growled shaking Allen a bit.
"I'm hardly the stupid one," Allen muttered through his labored breathing. Kanda smirked at the hilarity of the situation, there he was struggling to stop the bleeding and patch up the broken boy and all Allen could stand to do was argue and insult him.
"How the hell am I the stupid one? I'm not the one bleeding to death in the most out of the way place in the Order," Kanda retorted as he wrapped strips of cloth around Allen's head.
"Clearly if someone was found bleeding to death in the most out of the way place it wasn't an accident," Allen coughed, from the overuse of his still hoarse voice. Kanda was rendered silent with that remark as the uneasy feeling in his gut grew – this had been intentional – Allen had intended to die here.
"You fucking retard! What in the hell is so wrong that you'd try to kill yourself?" Kanda was feeling the building of hysterics in his voice but he couldn't banish it, he was much too angry and shocked and panicked to think clearly.
Allen didn't reply as he rolled onto his side and curled his knees to his chest, dull silver eyes staring directly into Kanda's cobalt ones. There was a well of anguish and confliction on those seemingly innocent eyes.
"The Order has already taken quite the hit and here you are fussing over whatever stupid problems. You know damn well that there is a shortage of exorcists and what, you wanted to raise that body count?" Kanda growled out. Still silence.
"What could be so fucking bad that you'd do this?" Kanda's voice was strained from his attempts to restrain the emotions that wanted to spill out – the worry that wanted to make itself known.
"What indeed," Allen laughed, no mirth contained with in it, he pushed himself into a sitting position on the couch and almost toppled over from the dizzy spell that overcame him.
"Oi," Kanda steadied the boy looking quite perturbed by the way Allen had answered. Allen then did something Kanda hadn't expected, he smiled. With overly pale skin, bloody streaks and crystal tears streaming down through the dried patches of rust colored blood Allen smiled – beautiful and innocent and so out of place.
"Sorry, I'll try not to be so selfish next time," Allen laughed again, silver eyes shining with joy, a strange deranged undertone in the darker layers.
Kanda slapped Allen across the face, startling the boy though his smile didn't falter. Kanda's eyebrows furrowed in frustration, he had absolutely no idea how to deal with this situation and it only seemed to be getting worse. The smile on Allen's face – the mask that had set itself into place – perturbed the young samurai to no end.
"When exactly did you loose your fucking mind?" Kanda asked his mind a mess of thoughts and questions and emotions.
"I suppose you can't loose what you never had," Allen laughed again, the sound was sickeningly sweet and the false joy twisted the sinews of the older male's heart as he stared at the morbid spectacle.
'This isn't the same kid that showed up at the Order on that stormy night. There's no fucking way that this could be the same brat that fights so hard for everyone with the naïve dream to save everyone, both human and akuma. It's just not possible,' Kanda thought as stared into the smiling face of the younger exorcist.
Smiling false saccharine yet the tears continued to fall.
"Don't look at me like that Kanda," Allen pouted. "I didn't mean for you to see me like this." It was Kanda's turn to be silent.
"Maybe it'd be easier if you just left and pretended you didn't see any of this," Allen said, "I promise I'll be more careful next time."
"More careful, as in you promise you won't let anyone in to help you as you bled to death?" Kanda asked.
"But of course, what else could there be? Maybe if you can't get over it I'll just drop by the Earl's and let him kill me – would that be easier to deal with?" Allen asked cocking his head to the side cutely.
"Fucking hell there's no bloody way that you're the same damn brat that I've fought beside," Kanda's words cut into Allen. 'I know…I'm a despicable creature and there's nothing I can do to change what I know now,' Allen thought behind the smile.
"Oh I am the same Kanda. You're so silly there's only me, it's only ever been me," Allen's voice was light and teasing. "It's not like you haven't seen me cry before."
"I've seen you when you laugh, when you cry, when you smile and when you're sinister as hell because of Cross but I have never seen you psychotic like you are now – really it's not a good look for you" Kanda said.
"Maybe you'd like to kill me? You have professed your hatred countless times," Allen seemed to be seriously considering it. "How 'bout it Kanda, want to put me out of my misery?" Kanda was rendered absolutely speechless at that question.
"I could even fight back a bit if you wanted it to be more interesting, I'm sure I could muster up enough strength to put on a decent show," Allen said. Kanda swallowed the lump of bile that had risen in his throat. 'He did not just say that,' Kanda thought in alarm, 'what the hell caused this?'
"Why so quiet Kanda? Are you mad at me again?" Allen asked smiling sweetly down at the Japanese male who was still crouched at the edge of the couch.
"Yeah I'm mad, I'm fucking furious," Kanda said softly.
"Then hurt me." Allen's voice though sickeningly sweet held a distinct sinister quality. "Punish me for making the great Yuu Kanda angry."
"Asking for punishment now? Fucking masochist," Kanda grumbled as he stood, looking down at Allen. He'd always hated Allen for being such a naïve and idealistic brat but how could he have known the boy was the world's best actor. How could he have known that the innocent infantile face before him was so twisted under the surface?
"Why are you hesitating Kanda? Don't I just piss you off? Don't you just want to knock this smile off my face?" Allen's voice lost its sweet edge though he remained smiling. 'Hate me, please just hate me,' Allen's thought.
Kanda's hands clenched into fists as he slammed his hands on either side of Allen, the boy didn't flinch, simply stared.
"What the fuck are you playing at?" Kanda asked he was so close, that the warm breath brushed against Allen's lips.
"No games," Allen replied simply as he met the icy glare with no hesitance. Kanda growled his frustration but as he looked into those deep silver eyes he began to drown. Kanda brought one hand up and traced the side of Allen's face, his gaze hardened before he pressed his lips against the smaller boy's. Of all the things he'd been expecting this hadn't been one of them and Allen's eyes widened in shock as he pushed Kanda away.
"What the hell was that?" Allen's voice was angry and scared. Kanda was silent as he stared at the look on Allen's face; he'd managed to throw the boy for a loop with that one.
"Damn it why can't you just hate me?" Allen's voice cracked as his expression faltered. "Tell me I'm no good! Tell me I'm a lost cause! Tell me I should just die!" Kanda watched as the boy had snapped.
"Why would I do that?" Kanda asked.
"Please just hate me," Allen's voice was so broken.
"Would that make it easier?" Kanda asked. Allen didn't say anything as his gaze fell to the floor tracing the bloody streaks to the fractured glass where the shadow wore the most amused and crazed look the boy had ever seen.
"Stop looking at me like that!" Allen yelled. Kanda was taken aback by the outburst, even more so when he realized it hadn't been directed at him but at the broken mirrors. The shadow's grin grew.
"If I die then so do you so stop looking so damn pleased!" Allen's eyebrows knitted together in frustration.
"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Kanda asked searching the room again and again and seeing nothing but their reflections in the mirror on the other side of the room.
"I won't become you're fucking pawn!" Allen yelled. "Stop laughing…stop smiling…just stop."
"Allen!" Kanda yelled gripping the sides of Allen's face to draw his attention back to him. "There's nothing there. There is no one else in the room." Allen gazed wearily at the figure in the mirror that only he could see.
"No I suppose not," Allen laughed as a smile twisted the corners of his mouth. Kanda released Allen watching utterly bewildered as the boy laughed, one arm wrapped around his mid section to support him in the tremors of mirthless laughter that wracked his body and the other threaded in the crimson stained locks.
"Play. Sing. Create." The voice said grinning, enjoying every minute of Allen's torment. Allen stood rather abruptly, almost falling in the process as he stumbled over to the piano. He traced the ivory keys, blood staining the perfection of its surface.
"You know something Kanda," Allen said as his fingers danced across the keys – a beautiful sordid melody. The older male was silent as the melody wrapped around everything in the room in a dejected embrace. "I hate white."
The simplicity of the statement and childish nature of his words would have made Kanda laugh had he not been so disturbed by the events taking place within the small room within the ark.
"It's so beautiful and deceptively pure but it's a void deeper and colder than anything else. It swallows all the other colors, engulfs all the joy and brightness that comes with them leaving only despair. Ironic isn't it that black chooses to reject the colors, preferring its silence and loneliness while white, the seemingly perfect counterpart is the one who causes the deepest pangs of hopelessness?" Allen's cynical explanation of his hatred made Kanda's stomach clench.
"White shows the world its perfection and lights the way, though it's leading everyone astray – it's a color of betrayal and madness," Allen said. "It's kind of funny. Everything from my hair to my personality is white. A savior? A warrior for God? Rather a Judas in his midst. My whole damn existence is a contradiction and I want it all to end before I can't turn back."
"What are you talking about?" Kanda asked as he walked closer to the boy as he played his sinfully perfect tune.
"I'll tell you if you promise me one thing," Allen said.
"What?" Kanda asked.
"You'll leave and you won't say anything to anyone. You won't have to worry about the consequences of what I tell you because I promise it'll be the last you or anyone ever hears from me," Allen said.
"You damn well know I won't agree to that," Kanda said angrily. Allen laughed.
"Yeah, but it was worth a try wasn't it?" Allen's voice was light.
"I've been trying to understand what could have made you snap like this but I really have no idea," Kanda said and cringed as Allen's hands slammed down on the keys, a foul disharmony of notes piercing the air.
"Maybe I just want to die," Allen said smiling, hands still resting on the keys.
"There must be a reason," Kanda said.
"I'm everything I'm against. I'm sick of the anxiety and the pretending that everything's alright when it isn't. I'm damn tired of lighting the way to a future that just doesn't exist," Allen said softly and tensed when he felt two warm, firm arms wrap around him.
"Then don't pretend," Kanda said. Allen laughed in response as he just wanted to melt into the warm arms surround him and bare his secret to the older male who though normally stoic was now holding him and attempting to comfort the ache in his soul.
"It's not that easy," Allen said, still stiff in the older man's embrace.
"Isn't it?" Kanda asked as he rested his chin atop the soft crimson stained locks of white hair.
"Why can't you just hate me like you've always professed?" Allen asked laughing again.
"How can I hate you when you're so utterly broken and those ridiculously naïve ideals have become so distanced?" Kanda asked smirking; at least the boy had calmed down a bit.
"I'm not what you think Kanda. If you knew you'd have wished you'd killed me when I was asking for it," Allen said.
"Why don't you tell me and we'll find out," Kanda said. Allen glanced over to the mirror and wanted to cry from seeing the reflection of Kanda holding him like that, and then his eyes met those of the sadistically grinning figure standing beside them and he felt the uneasy self loathing choke him.
Kanda noticed the eyes drifting over the glass and the saddened expression that settled into the silver eyes of the younger boy and he tilted Allen's head to look up at him.
"Don't look anywhere else," Kanda said. A smile crossed Allen's features as he turned to face Kanda.
"I hate you," Allen said through the smile.
"Not as much as you hate yourself," Kanda said and watched as Allen's smile brightened.
"Yeah, no arguments there," Allen laughed as he ran a bandaged hand through his hair.
"Baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered shaking his head as he pulled Allen back into his arms.
"I am aren't I," Allen said laughing again as his laughter turned into sobs and he fisted his hands into Kanda's clothing.
"Baka, you're not supposed to agree with me," Kanda smirked but tightened his hold on the boy protectively. 'To think I'd end up wanting to protect you,' Kanda thought.
After Allen's sobs had died down there was silence.
"Don't do something stupid like this again," Kanda said breaking the silence.
"I'm not making any promises," Allen said grinning up at the Japanese male.
"You're not going to tell me what all of this was about are you?" Kanda asked.
"Is that a problem?" Allen asked smiling.
"Baka," Kanda muttered cobalt eyes looking into the silver eyes staring up at him.
"That makes the two of us," Allen said his expression softening – he'd never have guessed that it would turn out this way.
"It does, doesn't it?" Kanda smirked. When he'd gone into the ark he expected to yell at the boy and confirm for himself how much he hated the naïve little brat and that the expression he'd seen was a trick of his mind. He couldn't ever have imagined that he'd be holding the cursed boy in his arms feeling no contempt or hatred.
"You will tell me eventually," Kanda said.
"When that day comes it won't matter anymore," Allen said smiling. Kanda cocked a brow in questioning but didn't press the subject. He didn't understand everything about this new side of Allen and he was sure as hell that he never would but he wanted to support the young boy.
Amidst the stark white walls Allen found comfort in something other than the overbearing despair. He found his sanctuary in the stoic Japanese man who represented the black void that rejected all things the white absorbed.
A/N: Just a little babble of angst filled plot bunnies. I know I'm sadistic but I really can't help it, Allen is just too cute when he's all broken. I know the 14th hasn't really been developed much in terms of his personality and character and as such I took extreme artistic liberties in this fic.
I have barely done any of my homework *cries* but I just couldn't help it – I'm weak when it comes to my need to write.
Anyway thanks to everyone who read and reviewed my other yullen fics, all those lovely comments just made me smile. I hope you'll continue to read and enjoy my fics.
Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)