~ Chapter 36 ~
"I can finally see the sun."
~ Rikki ~
I looked up at the large building in front of me and smiled, I had been recovering for two months now. It was going well, my therapy sessions has gone from once every two days to once a week. I had gained weight, exactly 108lbs now. Only a bit more to go and I would be discharged from the hospital, but I would still have to go to the therapy sessions. I grinned to myself, I never thought this would happen, I thought I was going to die, I was convinced I wasn't going to make it to my 18th birthday. But I am going to, I can finally see the bright side of life. I can finally see that life isn't about being thin, it's about being happy and living it to the full. I realize that now, I wave at Dr Winters as she waits for me at the door, and I walk towards her. She wraps her arms around me and smiles,
"How are you today?"
"Great thank you, and you?"
"I am good."
I nod at her and she smiles, I follow her as we walk to my usual room. I smile at the familiar bright room, I look around once more. And think about how I felt when I was first in here, how weird it all felt, how much I wanted to die, how thin I wanted to be. I remember looking into that mirror and seeing someone I wasn't. I didn't see a starving child, I saw a fat woman. Now, I saw the truth.
"Shall we start with the board?"
I look up at her and nod, I walk over to the board and think about how I feel. I smile to myself as I write,
And thats all I need to put, I shrug as I turn around and hand the pen back to her. She smiles at me and then nods,
I nod, and walk over to the mirror. I stare at it for a while and think about what I would have usually seen. Wondering if I actually missed my anorexia, I had bad days of course but it wasn't often anymore.
"Have you ever thought about dying?"
I look up at her as I ask the question, I look at her face and she shrugs.
"When did you try it?"
She looks at me surprised, but she just shrugs it off. I saw the look on her face when I asked, I know that look.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"I have to tell you everything, it should work both ways."
I shake my head at her and then turn around,
"About six months ago."
I nod at her and then start walking around the room,
"Things got hard for me, I was trying hard to fit in with everyone, I was finding it hard to be the Doctor I wanted to be."
I nodded at her,
"So you understand when I say about wanting to die?"
"More than most."
'I don't know what happened the other night, but I couldn't eat my dinner. It was just a bad day, I went to bed considering killing myself... I was scared of my own feelings to be honest, I knew that I could do it if I wanted to. I knew it all to well, and it scared me."
"Well thats understandable that sometimes you should feel like that and that you should be scared, you know what you are capable of Rikki, you know you can recover and you can control all of this. You will have off days, but you got to keep fighting."
"Did you get caught?"
I caught her off guard as she nodded and then turned away from me,
"I tried to hang myself, I was found by two people I work with, two friends. They took me to the hospital and my life was saved. I guess it wasn't my time. Just like it isn't yours."
"Was it Emma's time then?"
She nodded at me and then I sighed,
"I wish it wasn't."
"It's hard when you lose a friend like that Rikki, but she is happier now. She would want you to be happy as well."
"I guess.... But sometimes it feels wrong when I feel happy, because she was my best friend and we were so close, and she is not here. It feels wrong to laugh, it feels wrong to smile.. I don't know."
"It will be okay, you need to accept her death Rikki. You need to let go of her, you have to stop blaming yourself."
I walk out of there smiling and waving at Zane, he laughs at me and steps out of his car.
He says, as he opens the passenger door to me, I shake my head at him and laugh.
"Why thank you, kind sir."
He winks at me and then laughs as he jumps over to the drivers seat, I roll my eyes and mutter,
He just looks at me and then laughs,
I nod at him,
"Cleo wants me to meet her there anyway."
"Okay then. JuiceNet it is."
We soon arrive there and I spot Cleo waving at me with Lewis. I grin at them and run over to them, wrapping my arms around the both of them.
"Wanna grab a juice?"
Lewis seems hesitant to ask, but I just roll my eyes at him and walk off into the bar. I hear him laugh and follow me in.
"Shall I take that as a yes?"
He says as he sits next to Cleo on the other side of me, I nod at him.
"Yes, but you're buying."
"I always buy."
Cleo smiles at me as Zane and Lewis get up to get our drinks,
"How are you now?"
She leans over the table and I shake my head,
"I don't know.. good I guess. It's hard, sometimes I wake up and think about how good I felt when I was hungry, I think about running to the scale and crying over the numbers, but other times I think about how good it feels to not worry, and how much happier I feel."
"Is there many bad days?"
She shrugs at me, and looks down at the table,
"Not anymore, no. I think as the weeks go on, they get less and less, it just keeps getting easier and maybe soon they will only be once every six months or something."
I laugh and then grin at Zane when he places a Juice in front of me. I slowly drink it, avoiding the looks I get from Cleo and Lewis. Zane knows how I feel so he pretends not to be surprised that I am actually drinking something with so many calories. I smile at him and grab his hand under the table, he winks at me and laughs. I look up at the doorway and see the person I was hoping I would see. I look at Zane and then sigh,
"I am going to see someone."
"Just a friend, I just saw them at the doorway. I will just go say hello."
I smiled at him and then ran off in the direction of the beach, I followed my instincts and I soon found her. I walk slowly to the rock she is sitting on and smile at her, she motions for me to sit next to her and I do.
"I miss you."
"I miss you too Rikki. But we are both better off this way, it will all be okay."
I look up at her, she looks so beautiful.
"Are you happy?"
She nods and then grins at me,
"I am finally at peace. You just need to let me go, like Doctor Winters said before, stop blaming yourself."
I nod and then look down at my hands,
"I am glad you're happy."
"I love you Rikki."
"I love you too."
"You and Cleo need to look after each other, be safe."
I nod at her and then turn away for a second, when I look back she is gone. I sigh and then start to walk away, letting one tear fall for my best friend. She was happier this way. I was going to recover for myself and for her, her death will not be in vain this way.
"I will always miss you, but I will let you go."
~ FIN ~