Hey everyone :) Thanks for checking out my story and I hope you enjoy, please review and let me know your thoughts.
As always, I want to thank those who have personally reviewed, but I want to give them all my gratitude for reviewing and helping me along with writing about sexual abuse. It's a very hard subject to write about and while I'm sure that my humble writing cannot even begin to convey the hurt and pain that follows abuse, I want to thank all of those who have told me otherwise and have been supportive through their reviews and kind words. Thank you rogue-scholar07, xxkittyxxkattxx, X-Man Vixen, blackrose5242, demonlrd66, halloweenbaby, Acedia RG, Red red red ribbon, Mistakdragon815, Me, RogueNya, and allyg1990.
I hope you enjoy (though it's a hard subject to enjoy reading about) and please let me know if you have any suggestions, critiques and general thoughts :)
The sharper the edge, the cleaner the wound.
So, I'll be keeping it dull tonight for I deserve to hurt.
Disfigure the outside to show how ruined I am.
There's no pain and no pleasure when you're too numb to feel.
There's a pedestal across the room, I'm ready to take that big step,
and if I try to climb again,
this time the fall is fatal.
I don't deserve such an easy exit,
so maybe my spine can snap on impact,
and I'll have to crawl away.
start tearing off the layers I put up;
or is it too late to be anything but what I am?
Identify the problem,
Now let's see if we can fix anything.
There's a pedestal across the room,
I'm ready to take that big step,
Just close the door and let me do what I need,
'cause it's better for us if you just let me leave.
Kurt prayed in low Latin as he sat by his sister's bed. While he had parents in Germany who loved him very much, Rogue was his family here. Of course he viewed all the X-Men and all of his friends as his family, but he and Rogue shared a connection that bound them together. That connection of course being Mystique. Having Rogue as a sister was the only benefit of having Mystique as a mother.
Kurt felt Kitty's presence behind him, quivering and shaking with her body's reluctant sobs. She was overwhelmed by everything. Kitty was naturally an emotional girl, never finding the need to keep her feelings and emotions buried within her. Her hot temper was evidence of that. His tail snaked it's way up to her waist, his mind just barely registering the fact that she had just been molested and abused and any close contact was probably not a good idea. However, his need to comfort and care for her made him blind to this reasoning.
Kurt wanted to break down at the sight of his lost sister, wanted to cry and howl in fury. But he could do none of that. Kitty needed him, needed his strength and support and maybe even his love. And Kurt would be damned if he denied her that. So he buried his pain and rage as he leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to Rogue's cheek, hardly feeling the pull of his wound from Rahne on his arm.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Remy flex defensively, much like Kurt had when Mr. McCoy had tended to Kitty's wounds. He supposed it was some kind of feral and animalistic instinct that all the boys were feeling now that the girls were back with them. But they weren't back. They were mere shadows of the girls they once had been, just three days ago.
He turned away from Rogue and to Kitty, watching his beloved Katzchen coming undone before his eyes. Where had all that beautiful strength gone? All the faith and tenacity? Where was the girl who believed that the beauty and goodness in this world was worth fighting for, worth living for? Kurt took a moment to look into her eyes and knew that she was still there, buried beneath the pain and hurt. She may not be the same person she was before her world was ripped out from under her, but she was still his Katzchen, his love.
He spread his arms in a silent question, unsure if embracing her was the correct thing too. On the jet ride home that had been all he'd done, held her and cried in relief for her return. But she had been shocked then, hadn't time to feel anything but his embrace. But now that the reality of the healing road ahead became clear, she may feel disgust and mistrust at any simple touch. Already his traitorous tail was crossing boundaries, fulfilling what his subconscious mind wanted to do but wouldn't dare.
So here he stood, offering his comfort and support to her, unsure of what else he could do. She gave a sudden sob and flung herself into his embrace, apparently needing his comfort as much as he needed to give it to her.
"Liebes," Kurt whispered as he loosely wrapped his arms around her, not daring to test the boundaries of this potentially dangerous embrace. Kurt was sure that if he showed any domination or possessiveness, then she would turn him away. "Bitte mein Katzchen, tell me what you need."
Kitty hiccoughed slightly and her words were muffled against his uniform clad shoulder, though he could make out the words Rogue, home and forget in a litany that she repeated over and over. She pulled away slightly and Kurt reluctantly dropped his arms from her, prepared to step away if that was what she needed. She shook her head violently then and clung to his furry arms, bringing them to circle her once more.
"I need a lot of things right now," Kitty admitted. She glanced around them, mildly shocked that she was the only girl that seemed to be acting like this. She was unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Her gaze settled on Rogue and her face twisted in pain. What she wouldn't give to have Rogue standing beside her, her unshakeable strength a beacon of hope to Kitty. Instead, she lay with an IV in her arm and a beeping heart monitor as the only evidence that she was still alive.
"I need Rogue," she whimpered out as Remy raised his eyes to meet hers.
"Quo Chaton," he choked as the words left him. "We all need Rogue."
"Liebchen," Kurt said in a gentle yet firm voice. He couldn't have her dwell on Rogue's state and completely ignore her own, that was potentially the most dangerous thing. "What else do you need?"
Kitty leaned into his embrace more, her desire for protection and comfort overcoming her disgust at her dirty and tainted state. "I need you. To hold me."
Kurt's face lit up with a ghost of a smile before he clung to her the way he wanted to, not holding anything back. "I can do that."
Kitty nodded before cringing with the realization of who they were standing before. It was cruelly insensitive and callous of them to be displaying this affection in front of the man whose love was being held a mental prisoner. Her eyes flickered towards Remy's again, which were filled with a thousand emotions. She saw the pain, the desperation, the small and bitter joy, and the envy as he watched the scene before him. He brokenly smiled his forgiveness to Kitty before returning his attention back to Rogue, brushing strands of hair from her face.
"And I need a bath," Kurt heard Kitty say quietly. She must have felt a surge of revulsion and disgust go through her because she stepped suddenly out of his embrace and pulled her arms around her body.
"Ja Liebchen, we will clean you up," Kurt said as he gently placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Your room though. I can't bear to go into our room and see her empty bed," Kitty said as Kurt nodded in understanding, knowing that she was referring to Rogue.
They both looked around them one more time, taking in the scene of their fractured and wounded friends before they left it all behind, only to discover that the pain had followed them into Kurt and Remy's bedroom.
Kurt stepped away from Kitty and gazed at her for a long moment. He breathed deeply and sincerely wished he hadn't. The scent of her was buried underneath the smell of blood (he could identify Jubilee's, Rogue's, Kitty's and his own) tears and sweat. But beneath the evidence of the battle was the smell of her captor, the smell of his sweat and arousal as he corrupted Kitty. A growl passed from Kurt's lips before he could stop it and he cringed, hoping that he hadn't frightened Kitty.
"I know," Kitty said softly. "That's why I need to bathe. I can still feel him on me, clinging to me wherever i go. I need to wash it all away."
Kurt nodded as he stepped into the bathroom, his bare feet coming in contact with the cool marble floor. Kitty was behind him, stripping down to her plain undergarments silently. Not a word was spoken as Kurt set the faucets to a temperature he felt suitable. This task needed to be done and nothing Kurt could say would do anything to comfort Kitty right now, not while she was still dirty. She wanted to be angry and hurt as she scrubbed at her skin, that was the only way she could purge away her molester's touch. Hate would be her soap for this shower and love would be her towel.
He knelt to scoop up Kitty's pajama's but she pushed them out of the way with her foot, limping slightly as he rose suddenly to steady her. Her body was still torn and cut and she couldn't risk reopening the healing wounds.
"Don't touch them," she said firmly, casting one more disgusted look at the torn and grimy pajama set. He nodded as he stepped away from her, granting her entrance into the shower.
Kitty stepped into the billowing heat, not caring to remove her bra and underwear. She needed to bathe but she still needed Kurt with her, so she had decided that washing with her undergarments still on was an acceptable compromise. She had to smile as she leaned against the tiled wall of the shower, wondering why she and Rogue had insisted on having their bathroom be "Victorian" with a claw foot tub and other antique features instead of going for the sleek and modern appearance Kurt had chosen.
"Liebchen, do you want me to go get your soaps for you?" Kurt asked as he watched her through the billows of steam that rose from the water. Even now, as she stood there in pain and hurt, she was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
She shook her head and turned to look at him, letting the water wash over her.
"No, if you don't mind I'll just use one of yours. I don't think I want to use my soap, it'll feel too.." Kitty searched for how to explain her reasoning.
"Too much like you?" Kurt ventured a guess as Kitty nodded.
"Yea, like how everything was before this. I don't want to be me for a while, not yet at least," Kitty replied as she sniffed at a soap, deciding by it's spicy scent that it must be Remy's. She replaced it and picked up a green bottle, sniffing deeply. A light minty scent filled her and she closed her eyes, enjoying the smell she always identified with Kurt.
Kurt leaned against the counter as Kitty lost herself in bathing. He watched her hands lather her body as her scrubs became more fierce. He needed her back, to stand up through this pain and fight back. He knew that time was needed, but while he was a patient man, it tore him up to see Kitty like this.
As she attempted to wash away the last three days, a new scent tinged the air, mingling with the minty soap and Kurt narrowed his eyes, watching the water as it snaked towards the drain. Indeed, there were tinges of red in it.
With a slight growl he stepped into the shower, not caring about the fact that he was still in his uniform and shouldn't be getting his bandaged arm wet. He pulled Kitty's wet and sopping body to his, stopping her hands as they clawed at her healing wounds.
"Katzchen," Kurt said softly, taking the blood streaked washcloth from her hands. "Bitte, let me."
Kitty nodded as she dropped her hands, her energy spent. Kurt took great care while washing her, waiting for her to push him away. Instead she melted into his arm, crying hard and deep.
Kurt didn't shush her as she sobbed, she needed this. Needed these tears. She had cried in the medical room, but those had been tears over Rogue, tears for a friend. But these sobs and sniffles now were produced only from her own pain. She crumbled to the tile and Kurt followed after her, embracing her even as he washed her hair. He took the care to cover her eyes as he dipped her head under the stream and then allowed her to curl into his lap like a child, telling her to let it go.
After she had cried for what seemed to be an eternity, Kitty moved to get up off of him. She wanted sleep now, even though it was around breakfast time. She just wanted to close her eyes forever, but she still hadn't washed the parts of her that needed it the most, the parts that had been touched roughly and abused. Kurt seemed to sense this and he got up from the floor as well, pulling her into him with a tenderness that Kitty hadn't felt in days.
Kurt wasn't sure what possessed him to tell her what he had known since he'd first met her. Perhaps it was his desperation to say anything to comfort her or it could have been almost losing her that made him confess. Maybe it was just time, finally time to be completely honest. Objectively though, this was the worst possible time. He'd always imagine this confession under different and more beautiful circumstances, not under horrible ones like what they were currently facing. But as the water washed around them, it felt right. Kitty had faced something truly awful, had seen the bitter side of humanity and the hate that was very present in their world. And Kurt needed to show her the beauty now, to share with her the most beautiful thing he felt.
"I love you Katzchen," he told her firmly as she looked up in surprise. "Deep down, in the heart that you nearly ripped out, I know that you're everything I need, everything I want and everything that is beautiful."
Kitty opened her mouth to respond but Kurt shook his head firmly.
"Nein, please don't answer right now. I want you to be you when you tell me yes or no, when you tell me whether or not you accept me," Kurt said, feeling slight guilt for springing this on her suddenly. But still, as Kitty nodded and smiled silently, her eyes shining brightly, he couldn't help but feel a surge of hope.
True, they had many obstacle to face, many things to break down and many things to build back up. They had to find Rogue, destroy the pain and reconstruct what was broken. But still, Kurt hoped that Kitty, who was now armed with his confession of his love, could stand strong.
He kissed her forehead firmly. "I'm going to go get you clean nightclothes."
She nodded and he bamfed away, reappearing a moment later in a room he knew very well. He cast a desperate look to Rogue's side of the room before picking a set of pajama's and underwear for Kitty. He walked over to her dresser and swept up the Star of David necklace before taking his leave, the empty room chipping away at his spirit.
He found her standing in his bedroom, a towel around her waist and his shirt covering her.
She smiled stiffly as she accepted the clothes and Kurt turned away from her, giving her privacy as she slipped on her underwear. She ignored the other clothes and curled up into his bed, rolling so that her back was to him.
"Stay with me tonight?" she asked quietly, watching the sunlight slice through the crack in the curtain, not caring that she had mistaken the time of day. It still felt like night to her, dark and lonely.
"I can't think of anything I'd rather do," Kurt answered as he changed out of his uniform and into a t shirt and boxers. He timidly slipped into bed beside her, restraining from holding her.
"Kitty, don't let this destroy you. We're all here for you, I am here for you," he whispered. She rolled over to face him and Kurt looked into her suddenly devoid eyes. Somewhere between those words leaving his mouth and those words reaching her ears, something had gone wrong. He could feel her retreating away from him, shrinking from his offerings of comfort and support.
Kurt wanted to question it and Kitty seemed to sense that. She shook her head and took his hand, kissing his palm before placing it to her chest, her own small one covering it.
"Ich liebe dich (1), mein ange," Kurt whispered as he kissed her eyelids gently. What he wouldn't give to kiss her on the lips, show her the passion he felt for her. But now was not the time. Now was the time for comfort and warmth, and Kurt just hoped that Kitty would allow his assistance to her.
Amara's stomach rebelled against her as she laid wrapped in a bundle of blankets, trying to warm away the coldness that still bit at her. People were around her in the medical room, but she ignored them, staring at the ceiling.
Anger welled deep within her. Anger at the fact that they hadn't been able to save Rogue, anger that she had been treated like a sex object, and mostly anger at herself. She had been too weak to fight back, not clever enough to save her friends and herself. She had deserved all the abuse she had endured these last few days. But what truly angered her, what really made her hot with fury and disgust, was that her body had enjoyed the rough caresses.
Hot shame flushed through her as she remembered her body's response, even as her mind screamed her disgust at it all.
Amara felt tears of self hate pour down her cheeks. She hadn't wanted the molestation or the touches, so why had her body replied to them? Why did pleasure trickle up her spine even as tears had streamed down her face?
And Animusereptur had known she was responding to him; however reluctantly, she was still responding. He'd even brought her to her first orgasm, laughing as she pleaded for him to stop even as her body begged him not to. She had cried and gasped as the release washed over her, stealing her self respect.
How could she have enjoyed it? Amara felt suddenly sick to her stomach and she rolled over on the bed, grabbing blindly for a waste pail. She found one shoved before her eyes suddenly and gratefully emptied her stomach into it, just barely feeling someone holding back her hair for her. The pills and water Miss Munroe had just given her came up with a rush and Amara slumped back onto the bed, pushing away the hands that were stroking her hair. Her friends shouldn't bother to touch a dirty whore like her, they'd only sully their own pure hands.
Humiliation tore through Amara as she cried over her body's betrayal and treachery. Someone was talking quietly to her in a soft and reassuring tone trying to comfort her, but Amara pushed them away.
Why couldn't her friends see that she deserved this self disgust, that she wanted it? After what she had done, she deserved to hate herself, to hate them for not having the same response as she did. Animusereptur had told her what a dirty girl she was, that all of her friends cringed from his touch, and that she was the only one he could get a response out of. Something snapped deep within her and Amara felt the floodgates crumble.
Amara tore off the blankets and ran from the medical room, ignoring the sudden cries of her name. She ran through the mansion, flung open her bedroom door and then slammed it with enough force that it rattled her teeth.
She cried tears of bitter self disgust, shredding her clothes from off her repulsive and treacherous body. She caught sight of herself naked in her full length mirror and stood staring for a long moment. There she was in all of her naked disgusting glory, and she couldn't stand it.
Amara balled her hand and slammed it into the glass, feeling sick satisfaction as it exploded from under her hit. The reflection of herself crumbled with the fallen glass and a sudden sensation shoot from her hand.
Amara felt the blood running down her fingers and watched it drip onto the pieces of glass that were laying broken at her feet. This pain felt good. It felt so right. It was sweet relief that poured from her self disgust. Amara timidly picked up a piece of glass, a small part of her mind screaming at her that this was wrong, so wrong. But it had been wrong for her body to enjoy her molestation, hadn't it? And she needed to punish her body, right? Amara closed her hand around the piece of jagged glass, gasping as the sharp edges broke through the skin. She had let her body betray her and enjoy the enemy's touches, had even been pleasured by them. So now, by her own hand, she would force her body to feel pain instead, to bleed out and repent for her sins.
Kitty laid still as she awoke suddenly in Kurt's bed, the slamming of a door jarring her to awareness. She selfishly ignored her concern for the others and snuggled closer to Kurt.
She smiled as se remembered his earlier confession of love. But had it been just for her comfort? Kitty turned to look at his sleeping face, feeling his tail wind more tightly around her waist and made her decision. He had meant it, she knew that he had. Why he loved her, she had no idea. Especially now when she was dirty and revolting. And weak, so very weak. She had clung to him like a child ever since they had gotten back, pushing all of her pain off on him with no regard to how he felt.
Kitty bit her lip in shame. She wouldn't drag Kurt down with her, through all this darkness and pain and suffering. No, she would heal herself, prove to him that she was strong and capable. Or perhaps she needed to prove it to herself? Kitty wasn't sure which one it was. Nor did she really care, she just knew that this was a healing journey that she needed to complete on her own.
Kitty searched for a way to force herself through this pain. The addiction that she thought she had overcome over two years ago called to her and Kitty absently ran her tongue over her two fake molars in the back of her mouth. The sickness that had consumed her when she 13 was suddenly looking very attractive, offering her comfort and control. Starting again wouldn't hurt. It would help her cope with everything, and then when it was all better again, she could stop. She had already proven that she could stop, she had done so two years ago.
Kitty cringed in memory of how bad it had gotten, of how bad she had gotten, but pushed those thoughts out of her mind. If it could help her through this, then she would do it. She turned back to Kurt and kissed his cheek, swearing that this time around no one would find out and she would stop before it got to bad. She just needed it for a little while and then she could push it back away from her and start her relationship with the wonderful man with whom she was curled up next to now.
Thank you for reading :) It was extremely difficult to write the Amara scene, but I felt it was important to show that specific consequence of sexual abuse as well. Many people will have guilt and shame after being abused because their bodies responded to the abuse, though it is not their fault. The human body will respond to sexual stimulation even under forced circumstances. But the abused person will blame themselves and feel as though they deserved or asked for the abuse, leading to self hate and repulsion. Amara is working out this self hate through more abuse, though this time inflicting it on herself. I choose the lyrics at the beginning of the chapter from a song called "How to Fix Everything" by Bayside. I felt that while that is a rather grim song, it conveys how Amara is feeling.
Any guesses on what Kitty's sickness and addiction is? I gave a small hint as to what it is ;)
1: I love you my angel.
So what did everyone think? Too graphic? Not emotional enough? Let me know :)