Jasper's Emotional Tactics
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of these characters. But there is no way you can stop me from writing about them.:(:( :):)
Author's Note: I hope you like my take on jasper's point of view. I'm not very good at funny stories so if you don't like semi-serious things you might not want to read it. it was really fun to write and I hope you enjoy reading it.:):):)
Damn it. Why couldn't Bella control her feelings? I do not want to think about my brother that way. Seriously, stop with the lust already, it's starting to hurt. Ewwwwww. Could you get any hornier?
Edward turned from Bella and glared at me. "What did you just think about my wife?" he snarled.
"Its not my fault! I feel her emotions! What can I do about it!?" I asked defensively, slightly annoyed. Why was it no one could appreciate an emotion reader when they had a mind reader around? " I'd love for you to turn it off for me Eddy. It's incredibly annoying in situations like this." I added. Bella and Edward were sitting in the back of the car on the way home from school.
Edward glared at the nick-name and started to stare into Bella's eyes again. They were the same eyes all the time for Pete's sake. What was with the goo-goo ga-ga?! "Bella, please put a lid on those emotions. I do not want to have fantasies about my brother." Bella shot me a glare, but at that point I didn't care. She was driving me insane, there is nothing more homophobic than a vampire from the southern side of the civil war.
"Jazz, am I going to have to worry about losing you to Edward?" Alice asked playfully. With an odd expression in her eyes.
I answered her seriously, simply because I could never tell if she was being serious or silly. Reading emotions doesn't do you much good when the person you're talking to is always happy no matter what's going on. Sure there was impatience and useless angst, but there was always that happiness underneath everything. It's nearly impossible to tell what emotion is making Alice say something whether its sadness, worry, fear, or annoyance, because of the contented happiness underneath it all. It drove me crazy, but I loved her more because of it.
"You should already know the answer to that Alice." I said as I turned to stare into her eyes. As usual I got lost in those beautiful eyes. My world was always lost in my angel of mercy's eyes. She'd saved me from darkness with those soulful golden pools of light. I was so busy tuning out Bella and Edward while still getting lost in those eyes that I forgot that I was driving. Technically I didn't forget, just pushed it to the back of my mind, after all vampires couldn't forget, but it was still effecticve
"Jazz!!! Watch the road!" Bella yelled. I turned back to the road to narrowly avoid hitting a minivan. Not so narrowly that any of the humans noticed that, based on the more advanced laws of physics, Edward's Volvo should have collided into a soccer mom driving home from a soccer game. Nice one, Jazz. You become more and more brilliant by the day, I thought sarcastically to myself. Maybe there was a point to the goo-goo ga ga.
"Okay, well Bella, maybe you should start controlling those emotions a little better. I might not want to read what's going on in your mind when you're making a vampire swerve off the road with only the emotions." Edward said and then gave a wicked grin. "I doubt I'd be able to stay in the driver's seat." he added in a soft, low voice. EWWW. Didn't need to know about that. Ed, you really need to stop with the innuendos they are grossing me out, I thought.
Edward of course pointedly ignored my thoughts. He was staring into Bella's eyes. Honestly I'd prefer Rose and Em's make out sessions to this. The devotion, desire and admiration coming from Bella was the kind of stuff that made a guy doubt his sexual preference, that is if he were the one with the feelings. Damn it. I'm getting my emotions confused with Bella's. Wait, what would happen if Bella got her emotions confused with mine?hmmmmm. I thought as I pictured Bella kissing Alice. After all that was the only possible outcome, because I always felt like kissing Alice, it made sense that, if Bella were to experience my feelings, she would be attempting to kiss Alice all day and every day. Still, the image was so comical it made me laugh out loud. I re-imagined the picture and almost immediately regretted it. Picturing the two of them together a second time was a bad idea, because it would give any guy kinky, inappropriate-for-children thoughts.
The picture forming in my mind was what got Edward's attention. He surreptitiously looked at me in the mirror. We locked eyes and by the horrified yet intrigued look on his face, his thoughts were probably along the same line as mine. The glare I shot him said "If you tell, you will never be able to find a certain part of your body that is very painfully removed and is something most men desire to remain attached. " his expression changed slightly, "I wouldn't dare." With our brotherly telekinetic abilities I didn't need my thoughts to communicate, but I still thought as loudly as possible. Well, Eddy boy, you might just need a sex change to keep Bella happy. I then pictured Bella getting hot and heavy with the human girl who was staring at our Mercedes like it was a god.
"JASPER!!!!!!!!" Edward roared and I started laughing hysterically. I knew that any human walking by would be scared shitless by the, most likely, maniacal expression on my face, and didn't give a damn. This was too fucking funny. I'd finally found a way to get rid of the distractions caused by Bella's emotions. The only problem was that they put Edward's over the edge. I heard a crunch and turned to see that Ed had broken off the car door's handle. Naughty, naughty. And you were lecturing Bella about emotion control just two minutes ago. I thought as I started laughing, again. I hadn't laughed this hard since..... well, that time that Renesmee broke Jake's jaw because he had said that she was beautiful too many times. (I still don't understand that one, but it made for a funny-ass story.)
If I were able to cry I would have made a river I was laughing so hard. Edward on the other hand was going crazy as I continued to imagine Bella with different girls. First Alice, then Esme, then random girls on the street, and last but not least Rosalie. After I got through annoying Edward with the girl on girl action I entertained the thought of Emmett and Bella. I chose Emmett as the next test subject because he was next on my guy who'd-easily-become-a-girl list. (Yes, Emmett I just called you, a girl.) When I tried to picture Bella in bed with him I had to stifle my guffaws. He had on pig tails, a way too small polka dot dress, and freckles on rosy cheeks. Within two millo-seconds Edward and I were rolling on the floor of the car laughing our lungs off. I walked into the house in a better mood than ever. I could feel Alice's annoyed "What are you laughing at." being repeated over and over again. i continued to laugh and then pulled her into my arms. It took a while for everyone to seperate us.