Title: Super-House and The Boy Wonder Oncologist versus Dr. Idiot

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, I do not own House or Wilson.

Summary: House and Wilson battle the annoying Dr. Idiot! House/Wilson.

A/N: I felt like writing something a bit silly as I've had a rubbish last few days, even though Wales beat England at Rugby! As always, any reviews/comments will be gratefully received! Thanks!


House's wrath is truly an awe inspiring sight to behold. Wilson is standing next to House with his left hand over his mouth as he tries his best to hide the smile of admiration on his face. For once the wrath is not aimed in Wilson's direction, so he can just enjoy the look of mounting frustration and anger on the face of House's victim.

The three of them are in the lobby of the hospital and a crowd gradually forms to watch the show unfurling in front of them. Wilson can't help thinking it is certainly better than the soaps House likes to watch.

The victim in question is a new colleague; a young, extremely ambitious doctor who is eager to make an impact at the hospital. He had only been working at the hospital for a few days before he decided to pick a fight with Wilson. His first mistake was to proclaim in an extremely pompous and condescending manner that Wilson was a bad doctor and that he was doing a poor job of running his department. His second mistake had been not bothering to listen to all the gossip floating around the hospital. He knows House by reputation only, but he has no idea why he is being yelled at by him. He cringes slightly, as House draws himself up to his full height.

"You wish you were as intelligent as Wilson!" House projects his voice to make sure all the bystanders can hear him. "Then you wouldn't have made the idiotic decision to question his skill as a doctor." House looks at him with barely hidden disgust. The smart designer suit and expensive leather shoes are a clear sign of bravado.

Wilson assumes that the poor man's fate is now sealed and will be forever known as Dr. Idiot. House has used idiot or idiotic in every insult he's thrown so far. Wilson steals a glance around the lobby for the first time since House tagged himself in to the argument. He wonders why Cuddy hasn't made an appearance to stop the madness. Maybe she is caught somewhere else in the hospital, trying to diffuse another crisis. It seems that there are even more people milling around, too busy enjoying the show to find Cuddy.

Dr. Idiot is predictably insulted by the utter lack of respect House is showing him. He tells House that he went to one of the top medical schools in the country and that Cuddy had to work hard to entice him to the hospital. House pretends to yawn in an exaggerated manner and interrupts before enduring any more of his painfully boring resume.

"I don't care about your 'reputation'. You should be more concerned about your patient record rather than how fast you can become Dean of Medicine here. By the way, Cuddy likes her job. She's not going anywhere you idiot!" House is in full flow now and looks across at Wilson, grinning widely at him. Wilson smiles back as he realises that House is having fun.

That seems to set Dr. Idiot off. He is incandescent with rage, his face turning even redder. Wilson is not sure if it is because House somehow knows about his less than stellar patient record or that his attempt to his hide his Machiavellian schemes failed miserably.

Dr. Idiot snaps and calls House an arrogant jerk and instead of being offended, House actually chuckles sarcastically.

"I can be arrogant because I know I'm always right. Why else do I get the cases no-one else can solve?" House explains smugly.

"House." Wilson interjects nervously. He begins to get anxious as the crowd around them starts to dissipate.

"You're not gonna hit a cripple, are you..." House taunts the slimy, pathetic doctor as he waves his cane in the air. "…in public?!" He adds for good measure.

It is all highly entertaining, but threats of physical violence finally ensure that Cuddy makes an appearance.

"You two. My office now." Cuddy orders as she points at Wilson and House.

"Supernanny to the rescue!" House exclaims, practically skipping away as he leaves the obnoxious Dr. Idiot to explain to Cuddy why he was berating the two best doctors in the hospital. Wilson feels only the smallest glimmer of sympathy. It was never good to be on the receiving end of Cuddy's ire.

House and Wilson quickly make their way to Cuddy's office. Once inside the office, House deposits himself on the couch, making himself as comfortable as possible. Wilson sits down next to him.

"I bet you were never sent to the principal's office when you were a kid." House comments.

"I got someone else to do the dirty work. I didn't get into trouble." Wilson replies. House looks across at Wilson, not sure if he is lying.

"Yeah, right." House retorts. "You spent all your time being a huge geek instead."

"Why did you defend me? I could've handled him." Wilson asks. He likes that House cares enough to fight battles on his behalf, but people like Dr. Idiot usually House don't even fall on House's radar. They aren't interesting enough to merit his attention.

"I was bored and he was really annoying me." House answers carefully.

"No, I don't think that was the reason." Wilson stares at House challenging him to tell him the truth.

"Wilson!" House says in aggrieved tone of voice. He thinks that it is completely ridiculous that he actually wanted to punch Dr. Idiot across the lobby instead of just yelling at the guy. He can't even begin to find the words to explain how he really feels.

Wilson obviously sees something in his eyes and House wonders with amazement how Wilson manages to decipher him so easily. Wilson's eyebrows shoot up with surprise and House can see desire, shock and disbelief flitter across his friend's face. House is sure that Wilson can see those same emotions on his face.


Cuddy walks into her office a few minutes later to see the Head of Oncology and the Head of Diagnostic Medicine making out on her couch like horny teenagers. Wilson is practically in House's lap, pinning him in place as they kiss fervently. No wonder they couldn't see or hear her arrival. Cuddy is frozen to the spot, unable to tear her eyes away from the view in front of her. She hears a long drawn out moan and realises that she has to put a stop to what's happening before it quickly gets out of control and she sees something that will mentally scar her for life.

She takes a few steps back and kicks the door shut with the heel of her shoe. The loud noise that results is enough to cause Wilson to jump away from House, his face bright red with embarrassment.

"Dr. Wilson. Why don't you go back to your office and think of a more appropriate way to improve inter-departmental relations?" Cuddy suggests as she tries not to laugh at Wilson's stunned reaction.

Wilson nods his head and leaves the room as fast as he can. House smiles mischievously at Cuddy as he stands up and retrieves his cane from the floor.

"Be careful, House." Cuddy sighs.

"Why does everyone think Wilson needs protecting from me?" House asks, as he rolls his eyes. House can imagine that Wilson will be pacing in his office, freaking out about what just happened and how to put a stop to it as soon as possible.

"Because it's true." She retorts. "But what I actually did mean was..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." House quickly stops Cuddy from explaining further. He doesn't want to waste his time getting trapped in a long conversation about his feelings. He just wants to see Wilson again and pick up where they left off before they were so rudely interrupted by Cuddy.

House makes the short journey to Wilson's office in record time. He knocks on the door with the handle of his cane. The door opens and he grins at Wilson's flustered appearance. House seals his lips over Wilson's mouth as he pushes Wilson back into the room.

"Hmph!" Wilson manages to say before moving away to take a big gulp of air. "Lock… the door." Wilson adds, not wanting a repeat of what happened in Cuddy's office. House quickly fulfils the request and they make their way to the couch. This time House takes the lead as he tugs at Wilson's tie, drawing them closer together.

They are interrupted for a second time by a knock at the door. House wants to ignore it and continue kissing Wilson, but the knocking becomes insistent and Wilson has no choice but to reluctantly pull away.

Wilson tries to smooth down his hair and clothes as he walks over to the door to unlock it. House just sprawls across the couch looking even more dishevelled than usual.

"Oh." Wilson says when he opens the door to see Dr. Idiot attempting to seem suitably contrite. He had obviously been ordered to apologise by Cuddy. Wilson ushers him into the room and then sits behind his desk. He doesn't give Dr. Idiot a chance to begin his rehearsed speech. Instead he smiles brightly at him, which makes House chuckle. Dr. Idiot shifts uncomfortably in his seat, glancing across the room to see House staring back at him.

"I haven't had the chance to properly introduce myself. I've been the Head of Oncology for several years now and I like working here very much." Wilson speaks to him as if he is just talking to a small child. Dr. Idiot notices Wilson's patronising tone which only makes him seethe even more.

"I like working here too." House adds needlessly, but the look on Dr. Idiot's face makes him smile. He looks as if he is about to throw up.

"Oh, yes." Wilson looks across at House as if he just noticed he was sitting there. "Dr. Cuddy created the Department of Diagnostic Medicine just for Dr. House. She was so determined for him to work here. Dr. House is pretty famous. He gets requests for consults from all over the world, but I am sure you already knew that." Wilson explains in the same tone of voice, clearly enjoying himself as Dr. Idiot continues to squirm.

"I know that you're young and that there is still a lot for you to learn about the set up here. Now you know who we are, if you need any advice or help with your patients, you can always talk to me or Dr. House. Feel free to ask him for a consult." Wilson sits back in his chair and grins at House.

Dr. Idiot realises that they are openly mocking him now and he makes a quick exit without saying a word. Wilson dissolves into laughter as he rejoins House on the couch. House has had enough of all the interruptions and holds on tightly to Wilson. Obviously kissing House makes Wilson lose the ability to think at all as he forgets to lock the door again. The next thing they hear is a knock on the door swiftly followed by gasps of surprise as House's team walk in on their boss making out with his best friend.

The end