Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)
Episode 2: Peter's Best Super Powered Adventure Ever
Chapter 4: A Little Brains Never Hurt
Disclaimer: The Powerpuff Girls and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to Craig McCracken and Seth MacFarlane respectively.
While Peter was having difficulties enjoying what the girls had in store for him, back in Townsville, things were much worse.
The mayor had assembled the entire police force to the Utonian household after receiving a call that the Powerpuff Girls were missing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Mayor?" Lois asked the Mayor of Townsville. "But, is it really necessary to have to kill my husband just because he stole your town's protectors."
"Why, absolutely." He said cheerfully. "Ever since they were created, they devoted their lives to protecting us. Now since your idiot husband captured them and took them to Townsville, it's our job to get them back."
"So you'd kill my husband just to get three five-year old mutants back?"
"That's the idea."
"You're a sick man."
"Why thank you, miss. I take great pride in making sure I'm the best mayor ever."
Back in Rhode Island, Peter had given up entirely on trying to show the girls a good time. He had realized he was not getting anywhere with it, since everything he did either had him being chased out or beat up.
So finally, he just loaded them up into his car, buckled them in, and decided to take them back into Townsville.
"Well, this plan was a bust." Peter said sadly. "I thought I'd be able to -- you know, show you how much fun you can have outside. But I guess I was wrong. I guess you girls will always be the stuck up bitches you always were. I guess I should've learned that lesson after my little "Hot air Balloon" incident.
We cutaway to the outside of the Griffin home. The inside is filled with a hot air balloon, and Peter is outside with a power tool. Peter then steps in his house.
"And away we go." He said smugly as the house suddenly took off. It got off to about 10 feet off the ground and then started heading forward towards Cleveland's house, to where it crashed.
The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when it crashed into it, and as the house continued on, the debree from his house fell. It revealed that he was in the bathtub when it crashed into his house, and when it fell, so did the debree holding up the floorboard.
"What the hell!?" Cleveland screamed as the floorboard started tipping towards the ground and his bathtub started sliding. "No, no, NO, NO, NO, NO!" He yelled as his bathtub with him in it fell to the ground, the tub breaking in the process. "I can't feel my legs!"
"Welcome to the party, pal!" Joe Swanson yelled from his house.
Cleveland wiggled his legs, regaining the feeling back in them. "No wait, there they are."
"Oh well, at least I can't say I didn't try." Peter mumbled as he put the car in reverse and slammed on the brakes. Unfortunately, he hit them so hard he accidentally crashed into Cleveland's house
The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when he crashed the car into it, and when he did, the debree from his house fell. It revealed that he was in the bathtub when the car crashed into his house, and as Peter moved away, the debree holding up the floorboard started falling.
"What the hell!?" Cleveland screamed as the floorboard started tipping towards the ground and his bathtub started sliding. "No, no, NO, NO, NO, NO!" He yelled as his bathtub with him in it fell to the ground, the tub breaking in the process. Peter and the three powerpuffs each got out of the car slowly and walked up to Cleveland sitting on the ground, naked. Buttercup flew up to the destroyed home, broke off the towel rack, brought it down, and whacked Cleveland's head with it, finishing the job.
"Now girls, here's a lesson about the real world. When the cops asks us about this..."
"It was a white guy, and he was drunk." Buttercup responded, and was praised with a pat on the head.
"Good girl. OK, let's get the hell out of here. People may start to get suspicious."
Of coure as you could imagine, the people in Townsville already were suspicious. In fact, they had already prepared for his return with them. The townspeople were gathered near Peter's house, guns in hand, and formed a blockade of people, blocking off one part of the street so he wouldn't be able to get in. The mayor was leading the blockade.
"Alright, gents. That two-timing traitor could be coming up any minute. Ready your firearms." The mayor commanded his blockade of people. There were at least 500 people blocking the road.
Unfortunately, while they did prepare for his arrival, they were only facing one direction in the street, and failed to realize that Peter had come up the other side of the street. The people had put his house under lock down, so he couldn't get in.
"Um, excuse me, sirs?" He called to some of the people in the blockade. They looked over and realized it was him standing there. "My-My house is locked, I can't get in. So-So does anyone have, like, a power saw I can borrow to get in, or maybe $2,000 so I can buy some dynamite and blow the f#cking door down."
The townspeople looked at Peter like he was some sort of magician.
"We blocked off this part of the street."
"He went behind us like, some sort of magic person or something."
"So, does that mean you'll give me money?"
"Hell no!" One of them shouted as they started nearing him angrily. Peter started backing up towards his home, as Bubbles, Blossom, Buttercup, and Stewie exited the car.
"It looks like they're going to hurt him." Bubbles commented. While the girls grew worried, Stewie rejoiced.
"Well, it looks like the universe just hands you a freebie, eh? Eh?" He nudged Blossom's shoulder to see if he'd get a reaction. He got none at all. "Oh, forget it, you don't care."
The folks kept moving towards Peter, causing him to start flinching, though it wasn't because he was scared. "Hey, hey what's the big idea, here?" He asked them. "So I took the girls away for a few days. It-It was just to show them there's more to life than having to baby you assholes. It's not like I killed them or raped 'em or anything like that!"
"Well, no," The mayor said. "But because you did, we went two whole days without our heroes, and looks what our fair city has reduced to!" The mayor and everyone else turned to downtown and showed them that in the powerpuff girls' absence, the city has gone from bad to worse, with buildings burned down to the ground, streets destroyed, lights blown out, the whole thing.
"So what? You gave your city a Boston Red Sox makeover, what's the big deal?"
"No, you idiot! Our town has been run over by super evil villains!"
"I don't know exactly what that means, but because of it, our shows tonight were cancelled!" Frank said to Peter in anger. "We are out $20,000 because of you!"
"Oh, so now it's my fault!?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"You know what, screw you guys! You know, if I had to, I could do their jobs a thousand times better than these girls could!" Peter shouted to them, confident in what he said.
"Not for nothing, dude, but you couldn't do our jobs to save your life!" Blossom intervened.
"See, there you go, being all uptight again. I could totally do your job!"
"Really?" Blossom took a quick look around and saw their #1 enemy, Mojo Jojo, and his big laser beam, passing by. "I bet you couldn't defeat him!" She shouted, pointing towards Mojo.
"Not only will I, I'll kick his balls into next week! Dwayne Johnson won't know what hit him!"
"I'd like to see yo-wait, what?"
"Yeah, he's Dwayne Johnson, isn't he? Oh, no wait, wait, wait, he's-he's-he's-he's Will Ferrel, isn't he? I knew it!" Peter pushed Blossom out of the way and set his sights on Mojo. "Hey, hey monkey boy! Hey you! Dwayne! Dwayne! Ov-Over here! I-I'm calling you, buddy, answer me! Hey Tarzan's bitch!" He yelled to Mojo. Mojo's attention was grabbed when he heard "Monkey boy", but everything else was just not right to him, so he marched over to Peter.
"Who is this "Dwayne" you speak of!? I am Mojo Jojo, supreme evil villain of Townsville! My soul purpose in life is to destroy the Powerpuff Gir-"
"Hey, I loved you at the Kids Choice Awards last night, dude! You were great! I-I especially loved how you dressed up as that prostitute Miley Cyrus, oh my god that was hilarious! It was so hilarious I actually soiled myself! And I don't usually do that unless I'm freaked the f#ck out, like the time I went on that blind date with that stick figure."
We cutaway to Peter sitting at a restaurant table with his blind date, which in this case, is a stick figure.
"So, uh...h-how would this work...i-in bed?" Peter asks the stick figure.
"Well, I can't do sex. But I can give you a stick job."
"That....uh, that sounds..."
"Yes, it is unpleasant."
"Look, for the last time, I don't know what you're talking ab-"
But instead of listening to Mojo, Peter proceeded to kick him in his testicles. Mojo fell to the ground, clutching his balls in pain, and dropping his gun. Peter then turned to everyone else. "See, how hard is it to do that? Huh? How hard is it to do that to someone? If this was "Kicked in the Nuts", you'd all be laughing at this. This was the easiest thing I've ever done except for when I tried to tame that wild beast."
We cutaway to somewhere in Australia, where Peter finds a wild lion that's trying to sleep peacefully. Peter picks up a stick and starts jabbing it at the lion.
"Hey. Hey there, Mr. Lion. Hey? Whatcha' Doin'? Trying to sleep, ha?" Peter says as continues jabbing the stick at the lion's mouth. "I'm jabbing a stick at your mouth and you don't even realize it. You know, this is kinda like oral sex. You know, the stick is pointy, like a penis, and I'm jabbing it at your mouth, so it's kinda like we're doing it. Right? We're having sex?"
The lion suddenly wakes up without warning, and scratches Peter's face hard, causing him to bleed. Peter drops the stick and starts screaming hysterically as he clutches his face, trying to stop the bleeding.
"Look, I still don't see the big deal in this. All I did was try to show them a good time. It's not theirfault your crappy city's been run over by Jews and whores. It-It's not their fault that you people can't defend yourselves. It's not their fault that there are Jews out there who can't stand the way they live because of our economy, so they steal money from the banks to pay off their morgages. It-It's your fault!"
"Oh right!" One of them said sarcastically. "And who possibly is going to listen to that!?"
"I am!" Brian shouted as he stepped in, defending Peter. "This man may be no less than an idiot, but he's absolutely right. It's your responsibility as people of this city to protect yourselves too. You can't just rely on a trio of grade-schoolers to do the work for you."
"Oh, so you're taking his side, now!?"
"Yes. Yes I am. He's my best friend, after all."
"Wow. And what do you have? HIV!?" The man started hysterically laughing, though nobody joined in because it was a cruel and inhumane joke. One of the others even tried to get him to stop.
"Dude, do you even know what the hell you just said?"
"No, why?" The man then had something whispered into his ear, and after having a shocked and disgusted expression on his face...he shot himself in the mouth. Everyone gasped except for the Griffin family.
"Wow, now there's something you don't see everyday." Peter said outloud after a long silence. "I guess that's what you get for falsely pointing fingers. Oh, by the way," Peter held up his middle finger to the mayor. "F#ck you."
"Me!? This is all your fault!"
"OK, that's it! You're f#cking dead meat!" Peter then ran up to the mayor, picked him up, and started punching him in the face with his free hand. Soon some of the townspeople started joining in, hitting Peter with their weapons and their fists, while Peter tried desperately to fight back. He was losing miserably to them, and no one of the Griffin family wanted to help.
In fact, Brian and Stewie couldn't help but share a cocktail in victory.
"Man, this is the best!"
"I know! I've been waiting for this day my entire life!" Stewie said in joy as he sipped his cocktail. He then spit it out. "Ew, god, this is disgusting! How can the fatman drink this stuff?"
"When you're young, you do stupid stuff. Bottom line."
"Well he really should lay off the Hwhiskey for a while."
"Well if he quits drinking, he's going to start smoking cr--wait, what?"
"He needs to lay off the Hwhiskey. He drinks way too much Hwhiskey, and that's what makes him do stupid stuff. If he cuts back on the Hwhiskey, we wouldn't get into these kinds of situations everyday."
"Why are you saying it weird like that?"
"Saying it like what? I'm saying he needs to cut down on the Hwhiskey."
"Now say 'Whiskey'."
"Oh there you go, being such a killjoy again." Stewie takes out some pie and Cool Whip. "Here, share some pie with me. I'll even throw in some free Cool Hwhip."
Brian glared at Stewie angrily for a moment, shoved the pie in his face, and then stormed away.
Peter's fight with the townspeople left him with many bumps and bruises. So many, in fact, that he had to be transferred to the hospital unconscious. The family along with the Powerpuff Girls, the Professor, and many of the citizens of Townsville gathered around his bedside.
After about 4 hours of waiting, Peter finally came to, and as soon as his vision cleared up, so did his confusion.
"Wh-Wh-What the hell's going on?"
"You're in the hospital, Peter." Brian replied. "You got into a fight with these idiots and they knocked you unconscious."
"O-Oh yeah, now I remember. You guys got angry that I stole your heroes out of town so you beat the crap out of me."
"Yeah." The Mayor replied.
"So what, are you here to rub it in my face?"
"No, we came here to apologize, and to see if you were alright." The Mayor's statement definitely took Peter by surprise. "Look, while you were in a coma, the city and I gathered together and talked about what had happened. And while we stand by that what you did was out of line, we realize that we overreacted to it, and we should've just let bygones be bygones."
Peter was still in surprise. "We-Well, that's very mature of you to do. And although I still stand by that I was trying to do the right thing, I might've gone a bit overboard with my antics. So...I'm ready to own up to my sins, too."
"Well, Peter, that's very bold of you." The Professor added, just like everyone else, completely oblivious to what Peter actually meant.
"I signed your daughter and I up for this band made up of Bongo Drums and we have a performance tonight."
"Really? T-That's not much of a sin."
"Not except for the fact that your daughter's ass is the Bongo Drum."
With those words spoken, the Professor's tone immediately changed. "W-Wh-What!? What the f#ck were you thinking?"
"Um, I was thinking it would save me $2.99 at the convenience store because I spent the rest on booze."
"Well which one of my daughters is it?"
"The pink one. I remember because the band was playing for a convention of stuffiet, uptight girls, and I thought she'd relate to them well enough for it not to seem harassing."
"Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?" Brian asked him.
"I drift in and out. Anway, we go on in an hour, so if you could just get her ready for it, that would be great."
Everyone stood in silence for a moment. Afterwards, all of the townspeople left the room in disgust, leaving only the girls, the Professor, Brian, Lois, Chris, Meg, and Stewie in the room.
"Well, Peter, I hope you're proud of yourself." Lois said finally. "Because of what you did, you made this the worst episode of "Family Guy" ever."
"Yeah, we got cancelled back in '02, and our episodes weren't nearly half as bad as this one was." Meg pointed out.
"Well, maybe this is a good thing." Stewie said. "Maybe this is a good thing."
"What?" Brian asked.
"Every show always has at least one episode that's just plain terrible. You know, no good jokes, no plotlines, just two guys and a closet. Maybe this was ours. I mean, it could've been tons better, but you get my point, right?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"Yeah, that's what we call an "Abortion episode"."
"Well Peter, we're going downstairs to get something to eat. You want anything?"
"No, I'm good."
Lois, Brian, Meg, Chris, Buttercup, Blossom, and the Professor left the room, leaving Stewie & Bubbles in there. "Hey, Brian, could you bring me back some Cool Hwhip for my piece of pie." Stewie called, but Brian ignored him and slammed the door on his way out. "Well fine, you don't have to be such a jerk about it." Stewie scoffed as he took out a crossword puzzle and started doing it. "OK, let's see..."a 7-letter word for a female confused about her sexual identity". Who the hell do they think they're fooling? It's a lesbian, of course."
Stewie began to fill in the letters as soft squeak noises were heard. He wasn't sure what they were, and everytime he looked around to see what it was, all he saw was a stuffed bear near him on the bed. And everytime he tried to get back to the puzzle, Bubbles would pop up from the side of the bed, and push the bear closer to him. Finally, Stewie simply gave up. "OK, for the last f#cking time, you're never going to be mine!"
"Why not!?" She shouted, frustrated, as she climbed up onto the bed with him. "Why are you being so distantly cold."
"Um...well, let's see. You're 5, and I'm 1. If you called me your boyfriend in public, not only would you make a complete fool of yourself, but you would also be considered a pedophile by president Obama. Now do you want that or not?"
"H-He-Hey, blue girl!" Peter said, now incredibly intoxicated from drinking 12 beers in the time they were talking. "I-I-I was just laying here, right, and I thought of a new song. C-Can I please use your ass as a bongo drum so I could practice it."
This right there caused Bubbles to cringe in fear and confusion. Stewie wasn't surprised and simply shook his head.
"What did I tell you earlier?" He said to Bubbles. "Too much Hwhiskey. This is all because of the Hwhiskey he drinks." Stewie never looked up once while he was talking. Otherwise, he would've seen Bubbles's confused epression.
OK, I know it's probably the worst ending to any of my stories ever. But I decided to make this one an "Abortion episode". You know, a crappy one so I wouldn't have to delete it and re-write it. I assure you the next one will be 1000x better!
Next Time: The Griffins' next stop is in the one and only South Park. There, Peter causes a rucus, as usual, and all the while, having revealed a secret that doesn't really sit well with Kyle and Stewie.
Expected Update: April 30th.