Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Naruto cast, only the plot line. OK?

I ache for the touch of your lips, dear.
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
You can raise welts;

Like nobody else.
As we dance to the masochism tango.

~Tom Lehrer – The Masochism Tango~

Don't Touch Me, un! – 01 – Birthday::Present.

In a darkened room lit only by the embers of a large and grand fireplace, four men sat silently. Each taking the time to mull over the ever-present problem. The one question that had been causing them horribly high amounts of stress and anxiety for two and a half weeks today. One would think a multiple choice of answers would be simple enough to conjure up, but no. For a Vampire was born into pride and dignity, and as such had a naturally high taste and standard in things. So there they were, trying to figure out something that could either strengthen their relationships, or break them altogether.

~What were they going to get for Sasori's birthday present?~

"I think we should get him a vase!"

The one to speak had been the largest of them all, standing over six feet tall and bore an oddly blue and shark-like complexion.

"Kisame he's not that kind of gay. None of us are either. Why would you come up with something as useless as that?"

Kisame noticeably grimaced at his brother, Zetsu. Half black and half white, his body did have a certain shine to it. But the entire split-personality gag was something Kisame was just never going to get used to.

"Aaw, come on Zetsu, I was only trying to help! And it's not like anyone else has come up with a suggestion."

"Well we might be able to if you'd stop talking!"

"Geez Pein, what crawled up your ass?"

The ginger-haired man merely shook his head in disbelief. For Zetsu and Kisame tended to irk him as much as they could without even being consciously aware of it. How sad. But the two idiots just weren't getting the whole picture, which was the entire reason all four brothers were here trying to think and discuss. What were they going to get Sasori?

Their fourth and also youngest brother was a cutie but a pain in the ass! And lately he'd been so wrapped up in his artistic work for his company that he hadn't the time to speak with them anymore, not that he ever wanted to. All five brother's lived beneath the same roof and even then they hardly saw him. And to make matters worse, they hadn't figured out what to get him for so long now that tomorrow was his birthday! It was pitiful considering Pein was in fact oldest and also in charge!

"This really boils my blood! Why don't we just get him some flowers and be done with it?!"

"Kakuzu, he's our brother not our lover. We need to get him something special to show that we care. And something that will keep him away from work for a while."

Kakuzu exhaled sharply and leaned back in his chair. He was angry, no doubting that. The brat wasn't even worth it. If he wanted to bury himself in his own work – even though he OWNED the entire art company – then fine! Let him be that way! None of his brothers even liked him that much anyway, but they'd been forced to buy him a birthday present by their father. Some bloody nerve he had, telling them all to buy their bratty brother something when he wasn't even going to be here for it! No, instead he was off on some 'business trip.' Like hell! He was probably screwing another broad who'd pop out another little brother for them to look after in nine months time.


He looked down. And there at his feet, lying on a large pink satin cushion was his beloved pet. Plush ivory skin and rosy lips combined with the lightest shade of lavender eyes. Absolutely exquisite. Pushing himself up onto this hands and knees, Hidan rested his head gently upon Kakuzu's knee.

"Hn. Good boy, Hidan."

Kakuzu laced his fingers in amongst Hidan's hair before beginning to stroke the top of his head somewhat affectionately. The human always knew just what to do to calm Kakuzu down, and that was what drove him up the wall with lust.

"That's it!"

"What 'it' Pein?" Kisame questioned.

"We'll get him a pet! God, I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. Well all have pets and Sasori will be turning eighteen. So technically he's been old enough for a pet for almost two years know!"

"Yeah, but there's only one problem. Sasori is antisocial bastard who isn't a pet type person. He isn't an 'any type' of person now that I think about it."

"Oh, who cares? We'll do it for a giggle. Besides, Sasori's gotta become a man one way or another now, right?"

Having heard Kisame say that, all four men broke out into a small and highly masculine fit of laughter, all the while Hidan stayed quiet. Leaning into the loving touches his master bestowed upon him. And besides, it was against the rules to intervene with his master's affairs.

"Right then, it's settled. Should we leave now?"

"Why not!" Kakuzu exclaimed while rising from his seat.

"The guy who runs the market still owes me a favour from the last time I was down there. Stupid rabid pet! I should have ripped that things throat out!"

"Of course. But look on the bright side, if the pet hadn't mauled you then you never would have staggered back into Hidan's pen and discovered him."


Turning to his pet, Kakuzu put on a highly authoritative tone. One that practically screamed that he was not to be tested on the matter.

"Alright Hidan. Stay right there on that spot until I get back, okay? I don't wanna come back and find the place shredded like last time. Perhaps if I ask my brother's kindly to let their pets join you, you won't be as bored, ne?"

Hidan nodded sullenly to himself. Involuntarily curling up to keep himself warm in the unnaturally cold atmosphere all Vampires brought with them. Of course, it didn't help that he was naked.

"Yes, Kakuzu-sama…"


He was cold.

Most people couldn't sum up their entire existence without the use of at least a thousand words. But he didn't have an existence. He was nothing to anyone, not even myself. Because in reality he was just a toy, a plaything, a form of entertainment, property. Therefore, he could not possibly be the owner of a life if he was treated as an object. So he could only find one thing that seemed to be affecting him, one thing that seemed to be around me almost constantly.


The more he thought of it the more it seemed to seep into his system. Cold. He was sitting in a large and empty cage with special demonic-type of bars which would burn him if he tried to get out, but evidently warmed up the air about him. But that didn't alter the fact that he was in darkness. Locked away beyond anyone's reach. Well, locked away beyond anyone's reach that didn't have a ridiculously large amount of money. Because he was a 'Special.' That was the way of this alternate demonic world.

Of course he'd heard rumors and such from those who had once been in the cage with him. Yes. At first there had been thirty in the cage along with him. All different prices but at the same time, all considered exquisite merchandise for one reason or another. Hair style, skin colour, blood type, whatever Vampires, Werewolves, Demons or any other immortal found amazing about humans, the most popular would be the most costly.

Neji had been a good friend of his once. A great pal. In fact Neji was what had kept him going. Because Neji was special. He wasn't like the rest of them. For he had been born in the other world. The other world in which humans were in control of everything and there were no immortals. Well, the immortals didn't live there anyway.

Neji had told him that it was a great place. All humans had free will and although some were suffering from poverty, it was better then living in this dump. People on 'Earth' had one thing the humans in the immortal world did not. Freedom. Although, of course, he himself could not possibly imagine a world in which immortals were not dominant. But it was to be expected of him seeing as he had lived in this cage all his life.

Yes, Deidara had been born into a world in which humans had no free will. They were merely the pets that were to eagerly await the day in which their true master would arrive. Like hell he was going to except that fate. After all, it was the immortals that had done this to him! The immortals that had bred him from two opposite gendered lab experiments. He was abnormal. No one like him had even been 'achieved' as the immortals had put it. No one had been created with the incredible 'gifts' he possessed.


One on each palm to be precise. They even had teeth attached and tongues as well. Two slick and saliva dripping tongues that would pop in and out of the mouths whenever he pleased. That was the ever-harsh reality of it. The absolutely amazing trait immortals found so utterly fascinating proved only to make him an abnormal creature in the other human's eyes. Even the other experiments saw him as an outcast. Because he was a pleasure item.

"A freak."

Ah, there it was. The soft rasp of a voice that was hardly ever heard nowadays. He used to talk to himself quite a lot after all the others had been sold off – he was just too expensive for anyone at the moment – but that had only brought him trouble. Yes, lots and lots of trouble. The people outside had once picked up on his mutterings and suddenly figured that he might have lost his mind.

So he had been taken away for a full month. Taken off the market just to be strapped down onto a mental table and have scans done, needles inserted into his skin and any other form of pointless or painful procedures they could think of performing. Although, eventually they found nothing was wrong, or maybe they had just grown tired of tormenting him. bored of seeing him bleed. Regardless of the reason they had thrown him back into his cage and there he had stayed.

Twelve years in a large cage, three months spent alone and seventeen in almost constant darkness. Whatever happened, no matter how many things changed outside, it was always the same for him. Even on the operation table they had blindfolded him. He had never seen the sunlight, only artificial because they were underground.

But if what Neji had told him was true then the sunlight would be beautiful. It would feel warm and pleasant and the cool summer wind would only add to the pleasure. He'd never felt the wind on his skin, only the cold drafts he received each time a Vampire had come to inspect him.

"I want…freedom."

"Hey brat!"

His head didn't even twitch as the far off door opened, allowing a golden stream of brightness to slink across the floor. But it didn't reach him or the cage he resided within.

"I got some new friends for you. Say hello to Toffee, Pickles and Scruff."

Soon they were shoved into the cage and once again he was covered in darkness.

"Don't touch the-"


Already the strong smell of burnt flesh reached his sensitive nose and the unfamiliar sound of sizzling. For he had never been the one that was foolish enough to touch the bars, not even when he was first placed in here at the young age of five.

A body scooted closer to him until they were practically pressed up against each other.

"I'm Rock Lee! And who are you my youthful friend?"

He almost flinched at the cheery voice. Because he was not accustomed to it. Usually a newbie would have that happy voice on for a grand total of a day max in this hell hole, and the next day immortals would come in to see a Gothic exhibit. Sad but true.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me; I apologize for not being long enough. I'M ROCK LEE! AND WHO ARE YOU MY YOUTHFUL-"

"It doesn't matter, un. Now go away."

Obediently the boy scuttled off to sit beside the other figure across the cage. Leaving only the angry looking one who burnt his hands.

"Of course it matters."

His head reared up to meet onyx eyes. A Uchiha, they were quite rare these days seeing as their blood was highly favourite amongst Vampires. He wouldn't last long. And the burns on his hands were going to be heaven compared to what he got later on in life.

"Everyone has a name. I'm Sasuke. The boy you snapped at is – as you probably already know – Lee, and the guy beside him is Gaara. Now what's yours?"

"No. Those aren't your names. They may have been your names before but they aren't anymore. You three are Toffee, Pickles and Scruff. Those names are the ones the immortals gave you, so those are your permanent names, yeah. At least until your new master changes it."

"I refuse to be a slave!"

"Get used to it. Judging by your carefree and wild attitudes you are from 'Earth', are you not?"

"Yes! Yes we are! You're very good at guessing!" 'Sasuke' exclaimed sarcastically.

"Well this ain't Earth. And you're no longer free. No matter what you do or say you will always be a slave, un."

"So what, did they break your spirit?"

"No! My spirit is not broken! But unlike you I don't flaunt my juvenile behaviour about when there's no one here. And again, unlike you I know when to behave and when not to, because it's common knowledge that the only masters lookin' for disobedient pets are the ones that want to break you! Masters who want to cause you as much pain as possible for a couple of weeks before getting bored and killing you, yeah.I' are from 'lantur perminent days seeing as their blood was highly favourited new "

"Oh…we'll that's shit."

"You don't know the half of it…"

A minute or two of silence passed before Sasuke sat down beside him. Sighing somewhat before choosing to speak up once more.

"So, are you gonna give me your name or not?"