Please, Master, May I kill her?
Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun... And for the sake of legalities, let me just state that I'm not really trying to encourage anyone to actually go out and kill Stephenie Meyer.
AN: Please, excuse the lack of actions and descriptions. This is almost all dialogue. But I mostly just wanted to vent. I didn't put the time into this that I do most of my other fics.
The door to Integra's office was roughly thrown open, and in stepped her powerful servant. "Something wrong, Alucard?" The knight sardonically asked, not even bothering to look up from her paperwork.
"I'll say." Alucard huffed as he walked over to Integra's desk and loudly plopped a book down on it. "She wrote another one!" The vampire exclaimed. "Another one!"
Integra sighed as she finished signing her name to the order form and looked up at her servant. "Was it as bad as the others?"
"They still sparkle." Alucard replied through grit teeth.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'."
"Please, Master, may I kill her now?"
"We've been over this before, Alucard. We have no jurisdiction in America."
"But... But, Master, this... this slander can not be allowed to continue. In this one Bella gets pregnant... pregnant! From a vampire... no, from a sparkly fairy! Master, I could stand it if it was meant to be funny, but... but people are taking this seriously. And then they have a big 'trial' over whether or not the child can be left alive because it may be an 'immortal child'. Please, Master? You must let me kill her... before this goes any further."
"Alucard, if the books bother you that much, why do you keep buying them?"
"Buy?" Alucard asked, sounding offended. "Never. I merely... 'retrieve' the books from fans. Surprisingly, after I show them what a real vampire is like, they have little use for the books."
"And I suppose that explains how you know what happens in the books, the memories of the fans, yes?"
Alucard smiled. "You know, the one good thing about this series is that it makes finding victims much easier. Some of them even, willingly, invited me into their houses, if you can believe that."
"I'm sure you taught them the error of their ways." Integra replied nonchalantly.
Alucard let out a little chuckle. "Oh, trust me, Master; they will not make that mistake again." But then the vampire redirected the conversation back to his request. "But still, a few easy victims, here and there, do not make up for the lies this woman writes." Alucard spat as he flicked the book's cover with the back of his hand.
"I can understand your..." Integra paused for a moment and groped for an appropriate word, "frustration. But there's really nothing we can do. I'm afraid you're just going to have to suck it up, like a big vampire."
"But, Master, it would be so much better if I just... 'sucked her up' instead." Alucard replied with a sly smile.
"She's an American citizen, Alucard." Integra replied, sounding a bit annoyed by the fact that her servant was still pressing the issue.
"So, I've already got Millennium and the Vatican to deal with. I don't need the Agency breathing down my neck as well."
"Those fools? Come now, Master. They are at least a century behind us when it comes to the supernatural. I mean they are subsidiary of America's department of Fish and Game, for crying out loud. And their... 'secret weapon' only has the power to turn himself invisible. What possible threat could they pose?"
"He doesn't just have the power to turn himself invisible." Integra replied through grit teeth. "He can also turn other things invisible. You know, other things, like bombs... like nuclear bombs? You start killing American citizens, and they could retaliate by detonating an invisible nuke inside Parliament! How, exactly, are we suppose to defend against that?"
"Well..." Alucard looked thoughtful for a moment. "What if I kill him first?"
"Oh that's just bloody brilliant, Alucard! You've really thought that one through. I'm sure that after you eat one of their top agents, the Americans won't bother to step up funding and mass produce their invisibility glands or anything." Integra replied sarcastically.
Alucard huffed. "You know, you would not be so calm if the tables were reversed, and someone was making the Hellsing family look like fools."
"Oh really? Have you forgotten about Dracula: Dead and Loving It?"
"That's hardly the same thing, Master. Besides, they treated me no better than they did Abraham."
"Alucard, they gave the credit for your defeat, perhaps my great-grandfather's greatest accomplishment, to that sniveling little weasel, Renfield. What did they do to you that was as bad as that?" Integra argued.
"Well for starters, how about the fact that they had the idiot Renfield accidentally kill me with sunlight?" Alucard countered before grumbling. "Stupid Nosferatu movie. Stupid Count Orlok. Like I'd ever be killed by sunlight."
"It's a common misconception." Integra replied.
"Yes, because in the nineteen-twenty's some idiot got a hold of that novel written about your great-grandfather and decided to... 'adapt' it into what became a... 'classic' movie. And the misconception stuck because people were too lazy to look up the original. Now killing vampires with sunlight is a commonly accepted... thing." Alucard responded with obvious disgust
"So? Why should you care? You want humans to be better informed in the arts of hunting and killing vampires?" Integra asked.
"I care..." Alucard began, doing his best to keep a civil tone as he answered his master, "because it gives the weaker of your species the false idea that they can kill my kind simply by shinning a little sunlight on them. It's untrue and makes all vampires look weak. And that is also why these books bother me so much. They are becoming increasingly popular. What if they become accepted as 'fact'? And then other people start writing sparkly, vegetarian vampire stories?! I swear if I ever find a book or movie where someone's tried to turn Count Dracula into a... a...." Alucard stammered, too outraged by the thought to be able to finish his sentence.
Finally the vampire gave up and went back to his request. "Master, I ask for so little. Please just give me permission to kill that one American? I promise I won't ask for any others." Alucard was nearly pleading, and Integra did feel bad for him.
She took off her glasses and rubbed her temples, trying to figure out if there was someway she could grant her servant's request without putting her country in danger. "Alucard, there's no way. Not unless she takes a vacation over here. Then, maybe, if you were discreet enough..."
"What about a trade?" Alucard quickly suggested.
"A trade?" Integra asked.
"Yes, a trade with the Americans. They turn Stephenie Meyer over to us, and we give them..."
"Who, Alucard? We're not holding anyone they'd want enough to even consider something like that."
"What about that Bin Laden character they seem so gung-ho on catching?"
"We don't have him." Integra informed.
"But we could." Alucard replied. "I could catch him, and then we could trade, yes?"
"Stephenie Meyer for Osama Bin Laden? Hmmm. Yes, that might be a trade they'd be willing to make."
"So, I have your permission?" Alucard asked hopefully.
Integra was very careful with how she worded her reply. "You have my permission... to capture Bin Laden, so long as your search for him does not interfere with your normal duties. And then, assuming you actually manage to catch him, you will bring him back here and let me handle the negotiations with the CIA. You are not to approach any member of the American government or any of its agencies directly. Is that understood?"
"Oh, yes, Master." Alucard agreed enthusiastically and started humming an almost happy tune as he left his master's office.
Integra was already regretting her decision. She wasn't sure exactly how, but she knew this would find some way to come back and bite her in the butt. The knight shook her head and let out a sigh before returning to her paperwork and praying that her 'pet' wouldn't turn the whole Middle East upside down looking for someone to trade for Stephenie Meyer.
(Well, that was crackish. LoL Sorry. But I hope you, at least, got a kick out of some of it. Reviews would be appreciated. Thanks.
Have a good day, and God bless.