Mr. Funny

Disclaimer: I own nothing here that you recognize. Would you like some pocket lint and chewing gum wrappers instead?

Note: Lala! Inspiration has come from reading funny quotes on Stephfunky's profile. Love it, fear it, worship it. XD

000/000

"A fart is the cry of an imprisoned turd."

The elevator was quite crowded today. Currently Zack and Angeal were squished in the middle of the group of chattering and complaining office workers. The older SOLDIER was cursing the fact that two other elevators had broken down, thus explaining the increased traffic in their usual elevator. Even Zack looked a bit put out by the crowd. Out of the corner of his eye though, Angeal saw an unholy grin spread across his apprentice's youthful face.

'Oh Goddess, what is he planning now?' Angeal thought with growing horror as he watched the younger man shift from one foot to the other. And then Zack leaned a little to one side against some male secretary who was throwing him the evil eye...

FRAP-AP-AP! Pft.

As one, the people in the elevator started screaming. Several even pounded on the doors, crying to be let out. The First-Class SOLDIER's eyes crossed as the smell hit him square in the nose.

Angeal threw up a little in his mouth.

000/000

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly, you're not a 'professional' anymore."

The fourth annual SOLDIER office party was in full swing. There were clumps of SOLDIERs hanging around the lounge, chatting and drinking the punch. Zack was flittering about, being social without being crazy for once. A big smile this side of diabolical was in the curl of his lips however. His bright blue eyes twinkled at an unspoken joke. His mentor, no matter what, kept a wary eye on his apprentice. Angeal didn't like the gleam in the boy's eye. But because he was so busy keeping an eye on the pup he didn't see Reno sneak in with a bottle of slum-brewed SOLDIER strength vodka clutched in his hand.

It was all part of the plan.

Reno made it to the punch bowl, upended the entire bottle into it, and then slithered out with no one the wiser.

It was then that disaster struck as SOLDIERs started to refill their cups and start drinking. Because the vodka had been made especially for SOLDIERs, it had been easy to get drunk. Angeal was a sleepy sort of drunk so he conked out on one of the couches. It was a big mistake because then there was no one to leash his puppy.

Cue Sephiroth and Lazard. They had been discussing several items of importance in the director's office, so they were late to the party. But the first thing they saw was Zack Fair's arse waving in the air as he mooned everyone from his position on top of the table that held the spiked punch bowl. Never mind that several others were stripping or singing obnoxiously, or peeing in a potted plant like one the Second-Class SOLDIERs was doing. Lazard turned red in the face. Sephiroth smacked his gloved palm over his face to hide his laughter.

"ZACHARY FAIR! MY OFFICE NOW!" the SOLDIER Director screamed, swinging his arm around to point back to where he had just come in from.

000/000

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"Hi," Zack shouted.

Genesis and Angeal, who had been walking into the communal gym, looked up. The brunet of the duo of First-Class SOLDIERs sighed and closed his eyes. "Zack, what are you doing?" he demanded. He ignored the muffled snickering from his best friend.

"Um, trying to climb the rope?" the Third-Class SOLDIER answered uncertainly.

"Then why are you tangled in them upside down?" Angeal asked slowly as he opened his eyes.

"Er... I might have slipped and stuff?"

"And stuff," the older man intoned. He exhaled in a frustrated hiss, turned on his heel, and grabbed Genesis to drag him out of the gym. "Let this be a lesson to you!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"AAH! Wait! Help me get down from here! ANGEAL! ANGEAL, I HAVE TO PEE! GET ME DOWN!"

000/000

"100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?"

Zack looked at the Rubix cube then back up at Kunsel. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's a puzzle cube," the other Third-Class answered. "See, you twist it until each side is the same color."

"Okay... so what do I do with it?"

"You solve it, doofus!"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun," Kunsel replied through gritted teeth. "I thought you liked puzzles."

"But this just looks painful." Then Zack started twisting the cube rapidly with a bored expression on his face. "Okay, done."

Kunsel could only gap as his friend shoved the solved Rubix cube into his hands and walked away. "But... but..." he sputtered.

"Forget it," Reno said as he scuttled up to the helmet-wearing SOLDIER. "He may be an idiot most of the time, but he's a savant idiot."

000/000

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

Zack was torn between laughing and choking. Choking because Angeal had a tight grip on the back of his sweater collar. Laughing because a decidedly bald Genesis was being held back by an amused Sephiroth. Then Angeal started shaking him by his collar like he would with a misbehaving puppy.

"Why did you put Nair in Genesis' shampoo?" Angeal shrieked. "Are you suicidal?"

"LET ME GO! I'M GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE FUCKER!" Genesis was screaming as he struggled against his General's grip.

"I... erk... didn't think it would... ack... work!" Zack howled as he was shaken.

Lazard just sat behind his desk, munching on some popcorn.

000/000

END

Yay! I popped this out during my free-time between classes! Toodles and much love to my many, many readers and reviewers! And thank you Stephfunky for the fabulous quotes on your profile page!