A/N – I will apologize for nothing. If you like the HP movies, I advise you not to read on.

Usual stuff – I don't own anything. Especially not these movies, which I'm somewhat pleased about, frankly. I think this starts out badly, but again, I like to think it gets better. This film is dull as hell, so actually quite hard to parody.

This parody is packed with profanity, bad language, sexual content (though perhaps not as much as the POA one), drug references, actor-bashing, film-bashing, and general fan-based wank. Credit for certain parts goes to Doctor Who, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, Julian and Sandy, Snatch, Chris Rock, I'm Alan Partridge, and Family Guy. Lyrics mentioned belong to Bette Midler, The Sex Pistols, David Bowie, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and The Prodigy.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

HP FANS: Aaaaaahmagaaaaaaaad! (do the wave)

NON HP FANS: Wankers.

Harry's Summer

Harry wonders across a cornfield. Moping. Start as you mean to carry on, I say.

HARRY: Woe. I have no mother. My friends have abandoned me. Dumbledore's ignoring me. And Cedric – sexy, sexy Cedric – died at the hands of sexy, sexy Voldemort. What, am I not sexy enough for a death scene, is that it?

The answer, simply, is no. But here we have our first CONVERSE!!!!1! sighting in this movie. For some reason, this most beloved brand of footwear just keeps on making cameo appearances in this film. Like a Big Brother contestant on Hollyoaks, or something.

God, Hollyoaks is crap. But then, so is this film. And at least Hollyoaks knows that it's pure, unmitigated shite, which gives it a kind of integrity, in a way.

Anyway, Dudley shows up, and displays the wonder that is his Gaydar.

DUDLEY: You fancy boys!

HARRY: No I don't! Gah. Must date a girl this year, to show the world that I am strong and manly.

DEMENTORS: Come with us, little boys!

HARRY: Dudley, just say no!

DEMENTORS: We have candy.

DUDLEY: Yummy!

DEMENTORS: (eat Dudley's face)

HARRY: (pokes the Dementor's eye out. Then casts a patronus charm.)

DEMENTORS: (GTFO)

HARRY: Mrs Figg!

NON-HP FANS: Who the hell?

MRS FIGG: Dumbledore asked me to keep an eye on you, Harry.

HARRY: You know Dumbledore?

MRS FIGG: Honestly, boy – they told me you were intelligent!

Sorry, but I just have to ask: What person – what blind, deaf, and unutterably stupid and/or malicious person – told this innocent minded old woman that Harry 'brainless' Potter was intelligent? And just how does said person sleep at night?

The Dursleys'

Petunia lounges on her chaise longue with a fan, dressed in a fabulous flowery minidress.

Bitch looks fierce, despite the apparent menopausal hot flashes.

PETUNIA: Dudley, what happened to you? Duddy-wuddy! Snuggle your head into my bosom!

What is that boy, fifteen? Doesn't bear thinking about really, does it?

VERNON: BOY!

HARRY: Oh, for the love of god-

OWL: Mail for you, sir!

MAIL: Harry Potter, you are hereby expelled from Hogwarts. You'll never get to be a wizard now. Ever. Go on. Cry!

VERNON: (in what is a very strong contender for the only line that makes this movie worthwhile) Justice!

Perhaps I should point out that I actually like the Dursleys. I think they've had a bit of a bad press. I mean, I'm going to be honest here – I wouldn't have taken my whiny, bratty, ungrateful nephew in at all, let alone provide him with food, clothes and a bed, like the Dursleys did.

Harry's Room

Harry is having nightmarish flashbacks about the last movie…

CEDRIC: But you see… it's not a bad place… for a bath.

HARRY: Well, it is a bathroom, Cedric.

and awakes to a potentially devastating revelation.

HARRY: 'It is a bathroom'? OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?

Sometimes, suicide really is the only answer. Especially when you discover that you've accidentally turned down a proposition from a sex god two thousand leagues above you. However, Harry is distracted from his task as his bedroom door flies open, S.W.A.T team members burst through his windows, and he finds himself thrown to the floor by a Fabulously Dressed Girl a.k.a My Future Wife.

MY FUTURE WIFE (TONKS): He's dressed, sir!

MOODY: Really? Dammit.

HARRY: Professor Moody? What are you doing here?

MOODY: Tonks, Kingsley and I are here to inject this movie with some much needed Hardcoreosity and fabulousness.

HARRY: Really? But… well, isn't my Fully Fledged Patronus hardcore enough?

MOODY/TONKS/KINGSLEY: Bwahahahahaha!

On the Manicured Lawn

KINGSLEY: Don't worry about it, Potter, Dumbledore has made sure you're going to be heard out at a hearing.

TONKS: Yeah, power to the people!

MOODY (NOTE – NOT LUPIN, YOU KNOW, HER FUTURE HUSBAND): Not here, Nymphadora!

TONKS: Don't. Call me. Nymphadora!

(Tonks' hair goes a fabulous shade of red.)

HP FANS: Oooooooooooooooooh!

NON-HP FANS: Wait… what? What's going on? Why did her hair change colour?

HP FANS: (superior eyeroll) Because she's TONKS!

NON-HP FANS: So? I mean (laugh), it can't be that she can (snort) change her appearance at will, or anything! (laugh some more) Even this series couldn't be that lame!

HP FANS: (tiny voice) Tonks is cool, dammit.

Our Valiant Heroes (and Harry) climb on their broomsticks and fly off into the air and over central London. IN PLAIN FUCKING SIGHT OF EVERY MUGGLE IN THE LAND.

PLAIN. FUCKING. SIGHT!

Oh, I don't know. Whatever.

The party arrive at Grimmauld Place, where number twelve proceeds to emerge out of nowhere. The Radster does his patented 'Unconvincing Look of Breathless Wonder', which quite frankly stopped being cute after the first five minutes of The Philosopher's Stone.

Harsh, but fair, I like to think.

In zee House

MRS WEASLEY: Harry, dear! Let me clasp you to my bosom!

OBSESSMUCH: Oh for god's sake, are you back?

MRS WEASLEY: So let me get this straight – you complain when a character's not canon, and then you complain when they are canon, too?

OBSESSMUCH: (mumbles) Shut up.

The Bedroom of Rubbish Angst

Harry mooches into his new bedroom to listen to Evanesence or read Sylvia Plath or cut himself or some such shit, but instead finds himself knocked to the ground by Hermione (who appears to be wired to the gills on Speed).

HERMIONE: HARRY! Oh my god, I've been dying without you! How are you? Where have you been? What's with your hair? Are they new shoes? They're new shoes, aren't they? I really want toffee right now. Do you have toffee? Give me the toffee, dammit! Oh, the sky is pretty today-

RON FANS: Oh god, shut up! Where's Ron?

RON: Hey, here I-

HERMIONE: SHUT UP, STOP TALKING, CEASE AND DESIST! Harry, we (and by that, I mean I) heard about your Ministry hearing.

There is a long, long pause while Emma Watson has what appears to be a chronic asthma attack.

HERMIONE: It's… outrageous! They can't (hyperventilates) possibly expel you!

HARRY: (blankly) Yeah, great. So,what is this place?

RON: (mumbles) Headquarters.

Golly gosh, these three really have honed and improved their acting skills over the years, haven't they?

Cough.

HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron. I'll explain it. These are the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, set up by Dumbledore blah blah exposition exposition blah.

HARRY: (mutters) I'm a little miffed at both of you for not writing to me.

RON: Well, we did want to, but-

HERMIONE: BE QUIET, RON! Dumbledore made us swear not to tell you anything!

HARRY: (Tiny, tiny voice) I'm not going to deny, I'm beginning to feel a slight twinge of annoyance-

(Thank motherfucking Christ, the Weasley Twins appear out of nowhere, saving this scene from descending into The Worst Display Of Acting Ever Seen, and me from premature death by boredom. Or suicide.)

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Harry, mate! We heard you shouting and screaming from the other side of the house!

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Yeah, we thought we'd better check up on you, in case you were going to commit axe murder on these two in a fit of rage!

AUDIENCE: …Whut?

Staircase of Utter Tedium

GINNY SIGHTING: This exotic beast, of which sightings are extremely rare in the HP movieverse, may be found if one knows where to look. In this scene, you may catch a small glimpse of her if you squint and turn your head to just the right angle. Don't make any sudden movements, though, lest she becomes startled and flees.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, the Twins and the Other One stand at the top of the stairs, listening in on the Order by use of an Extendable Ear.

FANGIRLS: Hold on… we recognise that sexy, sexy voice!

HARRY: Snape's in the Order?

FANGIRLS: Oooooooh… when do we get to see him?

Unfortunately, Alan Rickman's Distinctly Erotic If Somewhat Monotonous Voice(tm) is cut off when Hermione's ugly so-called 'cat' decides to eat the extendable ear.

HERMIONE: Crookshanks, what are you doing?

CROOKSHANKS: Just the first duty of anyone in these movies – keeping attention firmly on you.

HERMIONE: That's my boy.

FANGIRLS: Darling, we just heard Snape's voice. We're not even listening to you.

Later…

MRS WEASLEY: Kids, dinner!

The Weasley Twins pop up out of nowhere, again. Although they almost give their mother a heart attack, unfortunately they do not quite succeed.

MRS WEASLEY: Just because you're old enough to use magic out of school does not mean you can whip your wands out for everything!

OBSESSMUCH: (giggles manically. What can I say? I'm twelve, apparently.)

LUPIN: Harry!

HARRY: Professor Lupin!

MUSIC: Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could beeee-

SIRIUS: (enticingly) Oh, Harry!

LUPIN: Sirius, I'm warning you-

SIRIUS: Harry… I have cookies!

HARRY: Oooo!

LUPIN: GET YOUR GREASY MITS OFF OF HIM, SIRIUS!

SIRIUS: Can I have a hug, Harry?

HARRY: You betcha!

Sirius throws Lupin an evil victory grin over Harry's shoulder.

LUPIN: Nooooooooooooooo!

HARRY: Sorry Lupin, but he does have cookies.

SIRIUS: (stroking Harry's hair) He's mine, now.

Dinner

TONKS: Regardez, si vous plais, my super-dooper-Sue powers!

GINNY SIGHTING: Here you may observe that this creature, which we previously believed was mute and incapable of emotion, is in fact able to laugh… oh dear, she's disappeared again.

MOODY: Potter, there's something we need to show you. And remember – we're only telling you because we're your friends.

HARRY: What?

SIRIUS: Well… it's not easy to say, really… (hands over an issue of the Daily Prophet)

THE PROPHET'S HEADLINE: HARRY SCROTTER! YOUNG WIZARDING CELEB FLASHES CROTCH ON A NIGHT OUT, APPARENTLY 'FORGETTING' HIS UNDERWEAR. PS, MAY ALSO BE LYING ABOUT VOLDEMORT'S RETURN.

HARRY: Hey! It was a warm night!

SIRIUS: Yes, yes. But a smear campaign is a smear campaign. You might want to go and do some charity work. Damage control and all that.

LUPIN: Hey… can I get a look at those photos?

SIRIUS: And while the Prophet is busy calling you a lying, nasty ho-bag, Voldemort is building up his army again. And he's after something he didn't have last time-

MRS WEASLEY: Sirius, he's just a boy! Aren't you, my widdy-biddy-pumpkin-poo?

HARRY: No I'm not! If Voldemort's building up an army, then I want to fight!

EVERYONE AT THE TABLE: (snorts into their tea)

SIRIUS: (winks)

Oh, THAT'S where the sexy Gary Oldman I know and love has gone. I thought he'd completely disappeared under the hideousness that is The Beard(tm).

Ron and Harry's Boudoir

Ron sprawls across his bed, mouth wide open, exposing all his fillings as he snores and drools in his sleep.

You know what? I still would.

Oh, and Harry nightmares unconvincingly for about the sixth time so far in this movie. I totally give a shit, as you can probably tell from my tone of writing.

On The Underground

What with his marriage to Molly, I have a lot of sympathy for Arthur Weasley. However, that sympathy quickly evaporates as he reveals himself to be the worst kind of twat you can find yourself stuck behind on a trip on the underground.

That twat who doesn't know how to use his Oyster Card? Arthur Weasley.

That twat who stands on the wrong side of the escalator, smiling blithely all the while? Arthur Weasley.

That twat who insists that you give up your seat for his whiny, snot nosed kids? Arthur Weasley.

That twat who throws up on the last train home, pissed out of their skull… yeah, that was me. People started yelling. I don't really blame them.

The Ministry of Magic

Oh, it's pretty. And check it out, here we have our second CONVERSE!!!!1! sighting. This time on the feet of the newspaper vendor.

Seriously, I hope Allstar paid good money to Warner Brothers for this.

And lo, we are presented with a huge projected image of The Fudgester. In black-and-white. Looking all severe. In 1930's style clothing. With a swastika in the background.

Okay, there is no swastika. But I bet Yates thought about it. Or at least a Sickle and Hammer.

A Corridor

LUCIUS: Fudge, I want this trial to go my way.

FANGIRLS: Ahhhhhhhh! The wig! The WIG!

NON-FANGIRLS: What about it?

FANGIRLS: It's BETTER! Can't you tell? That is a first class rug, that is!

NON-FANGIRLS: Okay, seriously – the man Barbie? Along with the greasy-haired old guy, the rodent-like blond child, and the annoying-as-fuck twins?

FANGIRLS: Your point being?

LUCIUS: I want Potter kicked out of Hogwarts.

THE FUDGESTER: Well, I'm not too sure-

LUCIUS: Okay, Fudge, listen… I have a present for you. Here are some magic beans.

THE FUDGESTER: Ooooooooooo!

In The Hearing

THE FUDGESTER: You performed magic in front of a muggle, is that correct?

HARRY: Well, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

CARDINAL XIMENEZ: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Yeah, I went there. I think referencing Python shows just how deadly dull I find this scene to be.

THE FUDGESTER: Well, I think that wraps everything up. Harry Potter, I sentence you to hanging by piano wire-

DUMBLEDORE: Hold your horses, mutherfucker!

Sorry. But I think I'm the only person in the known universe who doesn't mind Michael Gambon's Samuel.!Dumbledore. This is for two reasons. 1. I love Michael Gambon. 2. Non-canon he may be, but movie!Dumbledore is at least interesting, unlike movie!Harry, movie!Ron, movie!Hermione, movie!Ginny… I could go on, but I'm sure you'll get bored.

Now, where was I?

DUMBLEDORE: He was only acting in self-defence!

THE FUDGESTER: Was not!

DUMBLEDORE: Was too. There were Dementors in his village.

THE FUDGESTER: Were not!

DUMBLEDORE: Were too. And Voldemort's back.

THE FUDGESTER: IS NOT!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, for fuck's sake.

THE FUDGESTER: Fine, let him go, see if I care!

HARRY: Yay! Professor, can I have a word?

DUMBLEDORE: No.

HARRY: But-

DUMBLEDORE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. No. (scuttles off)

HARRY: Ru-huuude!

The Train Station

Harry mopes along, supported by Moody and Tonks. It's worth noting (just, you know, for life in general) that Tonks is wearing a quite frankly ridiculously fabulous ensemble consisting of a leather jacket and a blue tutu skirt.

Bitch looks fierce. I kind of want to steal her.

SIRIUSDOG: Psst, Harry!

MOODY: Padfoot!

NON HP FANS: Who?

MOODY: Are you barking mad?

OH! Oh, that… that was solid GOLD! Oh man, that line has afforded me hours and hours of piss-my-pants hilarity. Honestly, what will they think of next? Barking mad! He's a DOG! Oh dear, I honestly think I might have burst a lung with all the copious laughter I ASSURE you I am afflicted with at this very moment.

Sirius and Harry Bond, and it is Gross

HARRY: What are you doing here?

SIRIUS: Breaking in my new pimp coat. You like?

HARRY: Yeah, it's great.

SIRIUS: Anyway, I wanted to show you something. (reaches into his pimp-mac)

OBSESSMUCH: (perks up)

SIRIUS: It's this old photo of the Order I found.

OBSESSMUCH: (perks back down again)

SIRIUS: Not a day goes by when I don't miss your dad. He was everything you'd want a best friend to be. All day, and through the night.

HARRY: Is there going to be a war, Sirius?

SIRIUS: Oh no, my guess is Voldemort will just invite us all round for a 'Getting to Know You' tea party.

HARRY: Oh, well that's alright, then!

SIRIUS: (facepalm)

On The Platform

VOLDEMORT: I'm too sexy for my suit, too sexy for my suit… too bad this is only a hallucination of Harry's, isn't it?

I've said it once, I'll say it again – evil he might be, but Ralphdemort is one hell of a sexy bitch.

Draco's one and only line…

DRACO: Well hello, Potter. Gosh, you're looking so… well.

HARRY: What?

DRACO: No, it's just nice to see that all your worries over the summer didn't put you off your food. You look so… healthy. Jolly, you know. Like Santa.

HARRY: (Whsipers) Santa?

DRACO: Oh, and Weasley… if you get lonely in the night, I'll be in the Astronomy Tower. No pressure.

RON: (gulps)

Our Heroes wait for a Carriage

Harry stares at Cho Chang, a gorgeous girl who in real life would not so much as glance at him, but somehow here he has a real chance with.

It's not the magic that makes these films unrealistic, I think. It's the sexual politics.

HARRY: Ooooh, look! There's a little green sweetie on the ground.

LUNA: No, wait, that's mine. I dropped it.

HARRY: Oh, sorry.

LUNA: Eh, not to worry. Eat it, if you like, I've already had one.

HARRY: Gee, thanks! (Eats Luna's 'candy') GAH! What the hell! Where did the anorexic horse come from?

LUNA: Ooooh… bad, trip, is it?

HERMIONE: Hey Luna, how was rehab?

LUNA: Oh, good fun, you know. They're always happy to see me back.

HARRY: (scratching at him arms, teeth chattering) They're everywhere… they're all around me…

LUNA: Hmm. Serious munchies right now. Hope there's pudding.

The Great Hall

LUNA: Om nom nom, PUDDING!

SEAMUS: Oh my god, it's Harry. Don't sit near him.

DEAN: Why?

SEAMUS: He… steals.

DEAN: Oh. Is that why my underwear kept on disappearing from my drawer last year?

SEAMUS: … Yes, yes it is.

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome, my dears! First things first – professor Hagrid is on temporary leave.

HEATH AND SAFETY: (sigh with relief)

DUMBLEDORE: And please join me in welcoming Professor Dolores Umbridge!

MCGONAGALL: Severus?

SNAPE: Minerva?

MCGONAGALL: Let's destroy her.

SNAPE: We'll rip her to shreds, darling.

McG is totally Snape's fag-hag, I think.

UMBRIDGE: I am sure we'll be wonderful friends by the end of the year! I have several new initiatives I'd like to initiate – discounted corsets for the over-60s, the re-launch of the school's flag of fleur-de-lys on a background of pale chatreuse, and, most importantly, free crows feet cream for all, irrespective of race, creed or sex! Thank you. (sits down)

HERMIONE: The Ministry's interfering at Hogwarts.

HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS: (leap off the screen and beat the audience into submission)

The Common Room

HARRY: Pleeeeease talk to me.

DEAN: Erm…

SEAMUS: Dean!

DEAN: Sorry, Harry, but Seamus said I'm not allowed to talk to you.

FANGIRLS: Okay. We're adding Dean to the smex list.

RON: What's going on?

HARRY: Ron, Seamus is picking on meeeeeeee!

SEAMUS: Oh yeah, sure, believe the bitchtard, why don't you?

RON: Bitchtard's good, Seamus. I'll have to remember that one next time I'm climbing off of your mum.

DEAN: Oh snap!

SEAMUS: Quiet, you!

HARRY: I didn't need your help, Ron! I could have handled that myself.

RON: Clearly.

Harry and Ron's Boudoir pt. 2

HARRY: Ron! Ron, I had a nightmare!

RON: (sighs) Alright, in you get.

HARRY: Oh, goody! (climbs into bed with Ron) I dreamt that Voldemort was luring me down a creepy corridor with promises of candy, but when I got there he didn't have candy at all-

RON: Stick to your side of the bed, dammit!

Defence Against the Dark Arts

UMBRIDGE: I am the ultimate bigot in the guise of an innocent little old lady. I make Enid Blyton look like Patience Strong. Now, turn to page five of your lovely new books.

HERMIONE: There's nothing in these Ladybird books about actual magic. It's all about boys going on spying adventures and girls making jam rolls.

UMBRIDGE: Well of course. That's all one really needs to learn in life.

HARRY: But we need to learn how to fight, what with Voldemort being back, and stuff.

UMBRIDGE: You're lying. You're a bad boy, Harry Potter.

HARRY: I am?

UMBRIDGE: Yes, you are. And do you know what happened to bad boys?

DRACO: DETENTION?!?!

UMBRIDGE: Indeed, Mr Malfoy.

DRACO: You know, I've been thinking about indulging in a rebellious streak-

UMBRIDGE: Not now, Draco.

Umbridge's Uber-pink Office of FAB

Oh em gee, TEH PRETTEH!

HARRY: You got enough sugar in your tea, there?

UMBRIDGE: Oh yes, Harry – I'm sweet enough.

HARRY: Uh-huh.

UMBRIDGE: Now, I want you to write out some lines for me.

HARRY: Okay… OW! Oh, for the love of god, it burns! It's cutting into my hand!

UMBRIDGE: Why yes, so it is. And do you know why?

HARRY: I'm assuming it's some kind of magical power possessed by the quill-

UMBRIDGE: Try again, Harry, try again.

HARRY: Because… I'm a bad, bad boy?

UMBRIDGE: Yes. A bad, wicked, naughty boy. And what do you deserve?

HARRY: To be punished?

UMBRIDGE: Exactly. Now lie face down on the floor!

I think I just found my new favourite character!

The Common Room

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Hallucinogenic drugs with potentially crippling side-effects, anyone?

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Small print reads – if discovered by the law, we've never met.

Ron and Hermione sit together on the sofa, having a conversation that DOESN'T INVOLVE HARRY, OMG!!

STEVE KLOVES: (turns in his (unfortunately purely metaphorical) grave)

R/HR SHIPPERS: (do the conga)

RON: So it seems in this movie I'm not a complete dickwad, although I still have next to no screen time.

HERMIONE: And it seems that in this movie I'm not a complete bitch that hates you for no apparent reason, although I'm still a complete screen-hog.

HP FANS: Well, half the battle is won, at least!

STEVE KLOVES: Just you wait till movie 6, bitches.

Ron decides this is the moment, and goes in for the old classic 'yawn-stretch-grope' manoeuvre, ergo successfully placing his arm about Hermione's neck, his fingertips mere inches from her boob.

RON: My whole life has been building up to this moment-

HERMIONE: I'll tell you what. Just be quiet and kiss me. Don't speak.

BOTH: (lean in)

HARRY: (popping up between them) In case you hadn't noticed, I am not talking to either of you.

HERMIONE: Huh? Oh yes, of course we'd noticed. Obviously.

RON: Totally and completely abreast of your problems, mate.

HARRY: (brandishing his hand) Oh my god, I am SO in need of a manicure, don't you think? Ron? Hermione?

HERMIONE: I guess… hey, where did those scars come from?

HARRY: Oh DEAR, did you see my HAND? I did SO not mean for you to SEE my poor, DAMAGED HAND! Don't look at it!

RON: It's okay, we won't-

HARRY: DON'T LOOK AT IT! God, I'd had ENOUGH of this! NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! I'm going to the FOREST, where I don't have to put up with these unreasonable intrusions into my personal life. Good day to you all! (flounces off)

RON: …

HERMIONE: …

BOTH: Bwahahahahaha!

The Forest

HARRY: Oh Luna, I feel so alone!

LUNA: Not to be mean, Harry, but your kind of harshing my buzz.

HARRY: Oh. Sorry.

LUNA: Never mind. Wanna see some pretty pink elephants?

HARRY: Hell yeah!

LUNA: Just take the little green pill.

HARRY: Okay. Ooooh… wait, argh, bad trip, bad trip! Anorexic horses, murgh!

LUNA: That'll teach you to spoil my high. Wanker.

Lunchtime

GINNY SIGHTING: This time, if you look closely, you'll see her just to the left of Ron. Don't try to pet her, or she'll run away. Just look while you can.

Ron stuffs himself with sausages and mash with gluttonous abandon.

HERMIONE: Do you ever stop eating?

RON: (swallows quickly) Yes. Yes, of course I do. Excuse me. (goes to the bathroom to throw up)

Too far?

HARRY: Hey… uh, I was wondering if I could… join you. Please?

HERMIONE: Lick my boots.

HARRY: Excuse me?

HERMIONE: I said: Lick. My. Boots.

Meanwhile, out on the staircase…

STUDENTS: HANDBAG FIIIIGHT!

UMBRIDGE: Not the tweed, for the love of god!

MCGONAGALL: Stop trying to destroy me!

My, it's just like an episode of Dynasty, isn't it?

Montageness

THE FUDGESTER: Dolores Umbridge is the new Hogwarts' High Inquisitor!

More Montage

UMBRIDGE: I'm just saying, darling, that you might want to consider some conditioner. Or fashion sense.

TRELAWNEY: (wibbles)

Yet More Montage

UMBRIDGE: Tuck those shirts in! Stop that canoodling! You, boy - remove your trousers!

DEAN: Pardon?

MOAR Montage

UMBRIDGE: So, you've been Hogwarts' resident sex symbol for fifteen years, now?

SNAPE: …Yes.

UMBRIDGE: And no one has yet managed to dethrone your position of honour?

SNAPE: … Obviously.

RON: You know, it's remarkable that despite the amount of consonants that word contains you can still say it without moving your lips.

SNAPE: (bitch slaps)

Things go on in this vein for a while, until-

TRELAWNY: But I've been this school's comic relief for sixteen years!

UMBRIDGE: Sorry darling, but there just isn't room for bad fashion in my school.

DUMBLEDORE: It aint your school yet, bitch.

UMBRIDGE: That's what you think, bitch.

DUMBLEDORE: WILL ALL YOU LITTLE FUCKERS GET BACK TO STUDYING ALREADY?!

HP FANS: (glare)

OBSESSMUCH: (small voice) I like him, I'm sorry.

HARRY: Professor Dumbledore!

DUMBLEDORE: (To McGonagall) Oh god, don't look, don't look.

HARRY: PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! No, I don't think he's seen me… PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! PROFESSOR! No, he can't have seen me…

The Gryffindor Common Room

HERMIONE: That foul, evil old Gargoyle!

RON: I know. She's taking over the entire school.

HERMIONE: More than that, Ron – she wears even more pink than I do!

RON: Damn, I hadn't thought about that!

HERMIONE: And the worst thing is, I think she looks better in it!

RON:…

HERMIONE: Well?

RON: Err… well, perhaps it's her colouring, or something.

HERMIONE: Wrong answer, Ron. You're meant to say 'But of course it doesn't look better on her, you gorgeous sex bunny, you!'

THE FIREPLACE: Hey, kids!

KIDS: Eeeeeep!

HARRY: Oh, wait… Sirius?! But… but last time you were all made out of logs, and things.

SIRIUS: Yes, well, Warner Brothers actually bothered to pay me enough to show up for this movie. Now, this is my reassuring message for you – you are all completely fucked. Sleep tight! (fucks off)

HERMIONE: Voldemort's really out there, isn't he?

What the fuck? If he isn't, then what the hell are we sitting in this fucking movie-theatre for?

HERMIONE: We've got to learn to defend ourselves. And if Umbridge won't teach us how, we need someone who can!

HERMIONE'S EYEBROWS: (get their own theatrical agent)

In the Hog's Head

HERMIONE: Comrades! The time of the revolution is upon us!

HARRY: Hermione, I'm not too sure about-

HERMIONE: I think Harry should teach us all about Defence Against the Dark Arts. All those in favour say 'I'.

EVERYONE: …

HARRY: You see!! Nobody likes me! I'm going! (prepares to flounce)

LUNA: Is it true you can produce a Patronus charm?

HARRY: Yes, but-

NEVILLE: And you defeated the Basilisk in second year!

GINNY SIGHTING: Wait… wait… it seems we are about to witness a rare treat. It seems that this poor, persecuted animal, previously thought to be incapable of speech, is actually about to utter a line. Wait for it, wait for it…

GINNY: It's true!

And there it was, gone.

HARRY: How would you know, Jenny, you weren't even there!

GINNY: I seriously give up.

CHO: (sideways glance) You're not invisible to me, Ginny.

GINNY: (phone fingers)

HERMIONE: So, Harry, are you in, or are you out?

HARRY: Hmph. I suppose so. But I'm not happy about it.

On The Hogwarts Bridge

Hermione is piercing her nose with a safety pin.

HERMIONE: I am an antichrist, I am an anarchist-

RON: Who are you, and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

HP FANS: YES, who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

HERMIONE: Cho wants your boday, Harry.

GINNY: (looks peeved but says nothing, as she is wont to do)

HARRY: SO, WHERE SHALL WE HOLD OUR SECRET, SECRET MEETING, THEN?

UMBRIDGE: (watches over proceedings from a balcony like a fabulously dressed Hitler.)

God, this part of the movie is dull…

UMBRIDGE: All Defence Against the Dark Arts clubs are banned. Utterly banned.

NEVILLE: Dobby helps Harry Potter! Dobby knows of a room where Harry Potter can do his illegal doings!

HP FANS: Good god.

The Room of Requirement

DAN RADCLIFFE: (once again unpacks his 'shitty look of amazement')

NEVILLE: Woe. I'm so rubbish I can't even manage to perform Expelliarmus – a spell so simple we learnt it in 2nd year!

HP FANS: What… WHAT?! But… NEVILLE! Augh!!

HARRY: Stunning is a crucial weapon in your arsenal. It's sort of a wizard's bread and butter, really.

I would take the piss out of that line, but some lines just dig their own grave, don't you think?

HARRY: So come on, Nigel, give it your best shot.

NIGEL: STUPEFY!

HARRY: (collapses)

OBSESSMUCH: (crosses fingers) Please be dead, please be dead-

HARRY: Good, Nigel!

OBSESSMUCH: DAMMIT!

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione square up to each other. Western music plays in the background while Neville twitchily mops his brow as it drips with nervous sweat.

RON: So are we practicing stunning, or-

HERMIONE: GIRL POWAH!!

Hermione administers a swish-and-flick beat-down. Ron goes flying and cracks his head open, breaks his leg and punctures a lung.

THE DA: BWAHAHAHAHA!

HERMIONE: That'll teach you not to assume that I can't fight just because I'm a giiiiiiirrrrrl!

RON: But… when did I ever say that? You can't just assume that because I'm a man I automatically see women as the weaker vessel.

HERMIONE: Why not?

RON: Because it's really sexist to assume that all men are misogynistic, chauvinistic pigs!

HERMIONE: Uh, hello? I'm a woman! I can't be sexist!

In case you hadn't noticed by now, I fucking hate these movies and everything they've done to my canon OTP and my two favorite characters.

GINNY: Hang on… I'm getting screen time?

DAVID HEYMAN: Yes. But it's only five seconds. Now listen carefully – I want you to mutter 'reducto' very quietly, your spell to fail miserably, for everyone to laugh at you, and then for Hermione to waltz in and execute the spell perfectly to show you how it's done. Have you got that?

GINNY: … Yes. Of course.

DAVID HEYMAN: Good.

GINNY: REDUCTO!

GINNY'S SPELL: (almost causes the room to implode)

DAVID HEYMAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GINNY: HA! It's too late now, bitches!

DAVID HEYMAN: JENNY!!!!

AUDIENCE: We think her name might be Ginny, you know.

DAVID HEYMAN: (implodes)

NEVILLE: Expelliarmus!

THE DA: Wow, Neville! You actually did it! Yes you did! Yes you did! (slow handclap)

HP FANS: (chomp at the bit)

Harry gets his rocks off

HARRY: So… that's it for this term! Now, if you could all please fuck off – NOT YOU, CHO!

CHO:… Okay.

GINNY SIGHTING: If you pull out your max-strength binoculars, you might just see her in the background, looking a little miffed at Harry hanging back to speak to Cho. Oh… you blinked, didn't you? Never blink when a Ginny sighting is possible, for you will miss it if you do so.

HARRY: So… I've seen you looking at me.

CHO: Yeah, I've just been wondering… is Ron's sister Ginny seeing anyone?

HARRY: No, I'm single right now.

CHO: … Right. Because I've been trying to get her attention, but-

HARRY: Oh, you didn't need to try to get my attention, baby!

CHO: Yes. But Ginny-

HARRY: You love me!

CHO: I think you're a bit confused-

HARRY: Hermione said you want my boday.

CHO: Hermione also thinks that her brain-tumour of a cat is adorable.

HARRY: I love you!

CHO: Yes. But you see, my tastes have always verged more towards the red-headed…

HARRY: You're so pretty!

CHO: … and the freckled…

HARRY: Kiss me!

CHO: … and the female mfguhwuh-

Harry plants himself on Cho. Cho, somewhat understandably, starts to cry.

In the Common Room

RON: How was it?

HARRY: Wet.

OBSESSMUCH: (falling from her chair as she wakes up with a start) Oooooooooooooo-er!

HARRY: Because she was crying.

OBSESSMUCH: Oh, never mind. (Goes back to sleep)

RON: Phwoar, phwoar, manly banter, get yer tits out for the lads, etc etc.

HARRY: Girls are scaaaaary.

HERMIONE: Wankers.

In Harry's Sleep

SNAKE: Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

ARTHUR: Molly?

SNAKE: (eats him alive)

ARTHUR: Still… preferable… to… the wife…

Dumbledore's Office

HARRY: Dumbly, I had a dream-

DUMBLEDORE: Lalalala, can't hear you.

HARRY: Pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, DAMMIT!

DUMBLEDORE:… Severus.

HARRY: GAH!

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, you know what to do.

SEVERUS: Inject this lagging movie with some camp sexual tension, yes, I know.

On the Dramatically (and Romantically) Spiralling Staircase

SNAPE: DOWN ONCE MOOOOOOORE TO THE DUNGEON OF MY BLACK DESPAIR, DOWN WE PLUNGE TO THE PRISON OF MY MIIIIIIIND!

OBSESSMUCH: (has a coronary)

Snape's (Love) Dungeon

SNAPE: (unpacks his 'tools') In these rooms I shall penetrate…

FANGIRLS: Yes? YES?!?

SNAPE: Your mind. I shall enter you… via the mind. I shall probe your… inner memories.

Alan Rickman, I salute you.

Christmas

ARTHUR: Let's have a toast – to Harry Potter!

OBSESSMUCH: You know what? Let's not.

EVERYBODY: To Harry!

OBSESSMUCH: I hate all of you.

Last Minute Relationship Development Ltd

SIRIUS: God, it's depressing being related to such glamorous, sexy people. It's not easy having Helena Bonham Carter as a cousin, you know.

HARRY: Sirius, in Dumbledore's office, I felt like I wanted to kill him.

SIRIUS: Well, you'll have to get in line for that one.

HARRY: What if I'm becoming bad?

Note to Harry – grow a pair. If you can.

SIRIUS: Okay, I want you to say this with me – I am not a bad person.

HARRY: I am not a bad person.

SIRIUS: I am a good person who bad things happen to.

HARRY: I am a good person who bad things happen to.

SIRIUS: I am a strong, confident woman, who does not need a man to feel complete.

HARRY: I am a strong, confident woman, who… wait, what?

HERMIONE: Harry, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop paying attention to someone who is not me.

HARRY: Oh, sorry. Gotta go, Sirius.

SIRIUS: That's alright, Harry. When all this is over, there'll be a time for us. A time and place for us. Hold my hand and we're halfway there. Hold my hand and I'll take you there. Somehow, someday-

HARRY: SOMEWHERE!!

SIRIUS: Let's hug!

HARRY: Once more!

CANON SIRIUS AND HARRY: (can no longer look each other in the eye)

Back at Hogwarts

HERMIONE: Harry! Hagrid's back!

HARRY: Sorry, Cho, gotta go!

CHO: Oh, thank Christ!

The Alarmingly Steep Hill

Harry, Ron and Hermione run at full speed down a hill so steep it almost lies at a 5 o'clock angle.

I would like to take this moment to tell you a story about my mum's friend Sian. When she and my mother were fifteen (incidentally the same age as our Heroes are meant to be right now), they went on a school trip to some mountain in Wales. I forget which one, because quite frankly, when you've seen one mountain, you've seen them all, I always say. Anyway, Sian dropped her hat at one point, and it proceeded to be blown downhill by the wind. Against the advice of everyone present, Sian decided to run after her hat at full speed. Down a very steep hill. The next thing you know, she can't stop running. Then the next next thing you know, she's tripped over a stone. Then the next next next thing you know she is literally somersaulting down the hill at full speed. When she woke up in hospital, she claimed the last thing she remembered was running down the alarmingly steep hill.

Sometimes, movie directors are just plain irresponsible with what they allow into the final cut.

Yes, Heyman, I'm talking to you.

Anyway, the trio hang around Hagrid's hut to eavesdrop for a little while.

HAGRID: I told you, I've been away on a spa trip.

UMBRIDGE: Really?

HAGRID: Yeah. Mud baths, and hot stones, and… things.

UMBRIDGE: Well, that would explain why you don't resemble a heap of shit and don't smell like a dunghill, wouldn't it?

Hogwarts' new style queen leaves the hut, sporting a fabulous purple tweed ensemble and leaving a spray of Chanel no.5 in her wake.

Bitch looks fierce. And smells divine, I'll bet.

Casa de la Hagrid

HAGRID: This is top secret – something which nobody, but nobody, can know about apart from you three. Hence the fact that I'm telling you in a whisper. Dumbledore sent me to go and party with the giants.

HERMIONE: GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!1

For fuck's sake.

RON: Is that why your face is all mashed up?

HAGRID: Oh, no, I just realised that seeing as some seriously sexy criminals are at this moment breaking out of prison, I'd better have some plastic surgery to try and match up to them.

And, lo…

We cut to Azkaban. Or Sexy, Sexy Azkaban, as it shall now be known. Where prisoners spend their hours groping their arms and licking their tattoos.

It's true, I swear to god.

AZKABAN: (explodes)

DEMENTORS: We've got a message for you all from Voldemort – 'FLY, MY PRETTIES! FLY!'

BELLATRIX: MWAHAHAHA!

(Note – that is the ONLY thing Bellatrix is allowed to do in this movie. Laugh manically. Why is it that it's always my favourite characters that get shat on in the movie-verse?)

Press Conference Du Jour

RUPERT MURDOCH: Clearly, the obvious explanation for this mass breakout from Azkaban is not the correct one. Therefore, we are going to feed the gormless public a far-out, completely baseless explanation for this terrible thing that has happened: IT'S ALL THE ASYLUM SEEKERS', PEODOPHILES', AND TEENAGE MOTHERS' FAULT THESE HARDENED CRIMINALS ESCAPED. THE CREDIT CRUNCH IS GOING TO EAT US ALL ALIVE, KILLER SPIDERS ARE COMING TO BRITAIN, AND YOU PROBABLY LIVE NEXT DOOR TO A TERRORIST WHO IS EVEN NOW PLANNING TO RAPE AND KILL YOUR PET HAMSTER!

PUBLIC: (panics)

RUPERT MURDOCH: (goes to sip pink champagne in his diamond tower)

The Great Hall

SEAMUS: Harry. I. Wanted. To. Apologize. I. Know. Everything. In. The. Prophet. Is. All. Very. Druddle.

('Druddle?' What the fuck?)

SEAMUS: So. What. I'm. Really. Trying. To. Say. Is. That. I. Believe. You.

Anyone with any pride or dignity would smack Seamus one, or at least give him the old 'winding up the middle finger' routine. But Harry, being the kind-hearted, generous soul that he is, accepts Seamus' badly acted apology without a qualm.

God, Harry is such a wanker.

The Room of Requirement

NEVILLE: Bellatrix Lestrange tortured my parents into insanity.

NON HP FANS: I swear to god it was the sexy licky guy who did that, but whatever…

THE DA: Oh, making patronuses is so much fun! I'm so glad we've set up this secret society. Everything is all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, isn't it?

UMBRIDGE: I love the smell of irony in the morning.

HARRY: Cho! How could you?

CHO: Meh.

Dumbledore's Office

THE FUDGESTER: Umbridge tells me that Potter and his friends have set up an illegal Defence Against the Dark Arts club in your name.

HARRY: Dumbly, I'm so sorry! But I had to get your attention somehow!

DUMBLEDORE: You know, I have but one simple request. And that is that you little FUCKTARDS DO NOT FUCK UP EVERYTHING I'VE WORKED TIRELESSLY FOR ALL OF MY LIFE! Now, evidently that was too much to ask. Can somebody please remind me what I want into teaching for? It's a thankless job, is what it is. BLOW ME TO BERMUDA! (rockets off)

Yes, I did just make a Sword in the Stone reference. Now, everybody SHUT UP! For Kingsley is about to make this entire movie worthwhile.

KINGSLEY: Well you may not like it, Minister, but you can't deny… Dumbledore's got STAHLE!

Ooooooooooooooh!

The Next Morning

Hogwarts has a new Headmistress.

UMBRIDGE: Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Fuhrer!

SLYTHERINS: (rave it up)

The Corridor

HARRY: Don't even think about trying to get round me, Cho! I mean it! You had these sweet buns, and you spurned them. Good day to you! (flounces off)

CHO:… Sorry, did somebody speak?

On the Bridge

HARRY: Oh for the love of god, will you just stop whining!

RON: Yeah. Seriously, Harry – nobody cares!

HARRY: Woe! My life is so miserable! Nobody loves me! It's so hard being me, I can't tell you how hard it is-

RON: Right, here's the plan – you distract him and I'll push him off the bridge.

HERMIONE: Ready when you are, my love.

HAGRID: Pssst! You three!

In the Forest

CILLA BLACK: Surprise surprise, it's your long lost brother!

You know the huge amount of PR there was for Grawp, with all that crap about how the technology used to create him was so incredibly advanced that he looked absolutely, incredibly, 100% lifelike? Yeah… sad how things turn out sometimes, isn't it?

GRAWP: Pretty lady!

HERMIONE: Wow, you make Krum look almost gentlemanly.

RON: Touch my woman and die.

Yeah, that's right Kloves – Ron's not whimpering. HaHA! Now who's laughing, bitch?

Homo-eroticism ltd

Snape pokes and prods Harry with his hard, throbbing… wand.

SNAPE: Change my pitch up… Smack my Bitch up…

HARRY: We've been at it for hours, can we just rest?

SNAPE: That's not what you said last night!

HARRY: What?

SNAPE: God, you're just like your father. Always whining. 'Stop stalking Luuuuuuupin, crazy greasy boy!' (realising his mistake) OH MY GOD, I did NOT just say that!

Snape's Worst Memory

We are treated to a brief snapshot of Snape being bullied at school. It is worth mentioning that Lily is not present. At all. However, I'm not going to pretend that I care too much, because to be honest my attention has been snatched by Young James, who is really quite smoking. Really wish sometimes that James was the hero of these books, and not Harry. I'd rather read about the adventures of 'James Potter – bully, toerag, and probable man-whore' than of 'Harry Potter – n00b, tit-brain, and definite wally.' But I digress…

SNAPE: Get out!

HARRY: (flees)

The Corridor

WEASLEY TWIN #1: We had an appointment, damn it!

UMBRIDGE: But you don't have the cash, boys. Don't touch what you can't afford. Although technically that means you two should be floating, doesn't it?

TWINS: …

The Next Day

TWINS: Firecrackerssssssss!

UMBRIDGE: Not the hair! NEVER THE HAIR!

HARRY: Stop stealing my movie! (falls down, and sees images of Voldemort and Sirius trying to have some alone time)

HARRY: Nooooooo! He's mine! Get your own inappropriate sugar-daddy!

Umbridge's Office

HARRY: I'm going to the Ministry alone!

RON: Are you insane, you'll be eaten alive in five seconds flat!

HARRY: No, I'm totally going alone!

HERMIONE: Listen to me, you ungrateful little twat! I've been saving your arse for five movies now, and I'm not going to have you turn around now and tell me you're capable of taking on Voldemort alone when back in second year you couldn't even fix your own glasses!

RON: So… are we going?

HARRY: Yes, fine.

AUDIENCE: Wait, are you telling us something's actually about to happen?

UMBRIDGE: You three are going nowhere!

AUDIENCE: (wail)

Five Minutes Later

DRACO: Hey, y'all. Thought we'd join the party.

GINNY: I brought some crisps and dips, Neville brought cheese straws, and Luna brought some of her home-made sherbert.

LUNA: Yep. Sherbert.

UMBRIDGE: Who were you looking for in the fireplace?

HARRY: Your mum.

UMBRIDGE: (bitch slaps)

RON AND HERMIONE: Oh yeah, that's more like it!

UMBRIDGE: Well, if you're not going to tell me voluntarily… the cruciatus curse should loosen your tongue. Cornelius will understand. It's for the greater good.

SLYTHERINS: The greater goooooood.

HERMIONE: Oh, for fuck's sake. Umbridge! If you crucio Harry, you'll never know where Dumbledore kept his secret Dolce and Gabbana closet.

UMBRIDGE: … Does it contain any pink?

HERMIONE: More than you could ever believe.

The Forest

CENTAURS: Neigh!

GRAWP: Pretty lady!

UMBRIDGE: Oh. Oooh no, don't touch me, DON'T TOUCH ME! Centaurs! Giant! Stop! Desist! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! (fades into distance)

The Bridge

HERMIONE: How did you get away from the Slytherins?

RON: Well, it's a long story, but basically I had to do some things for Draco that I'm not proud of…

An hour previously…

Draco and Ron sit in front of a TV, watching Draco's old, secret video of 'A Little Princess'.

TV: PAPA!!!!

DRACO: (sobbing) Oh! Oh, it's so beautiful! The build up, and the way she thinks he's dead, and when he gets his memory back, oh! My daddy loves me too, right Ron?

RON: (wishes he was dead)

Back in the Present

NEVILLE: We're coming with you to the Ministry, Harry.

HARRY: No, you're not. I am so James Dean, don't you think? The lone wolf. The rebel without a cause. I go my own way. I don't need anyone's help.

EVERYONE ELSE: …

RON: The poor boy wants to die.

LUNA: Pills, anyone?

The Hall of Prophecy

Is empty. Who is surprised? Not me.

HARRY: But he was heeeeere! He WAS! I SAW him!

HERMIONE: Ron?

RON: Sugar-lips?

HERMIONE: Why are we friends with him?

RON: I actually don't know.

HERMIONE: I mean, he used to be cute, at least, but now-

RON: He's holding us back, darling, I've been trying to tell you that for years.

HARRY: Perhaps this glass ball with my name on it will be my friend!

GLASS BALL: Harry Potter is going to get owned, moohahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

LUCIUS: Here I am, to set the camp fire blazing.

AUDIENCE: OH, THANK GOD!

HARRY: Oh noes!

LUCIUS: Ah, Weasley. I want you to know that my son is a boy with expensive tastes. He needs someone to provide for him, you understand what I'm saying?

RON: We'll be together, no matter what you think!

LUCIUS: I'm sure.

HERMIONE: Er, can I just say…

LUCIUS: Yes?

HERMIONE: Your hair… is fabulous.

LUCIUS: Heh, I know. But then, so is yours, which is strange… you are Hermione Granger?

HERMIONE: Yes.

LUCIUS: Hermione 'giant shrubbery growing out of her head' Granger?

HERMIONE: I'm not going to be lectured on my lack of canon by a man that carries a pimp-cane around.

LUCIUS: It's fabulous, and you're just jealous that you don't have one-

NEVILLE: I know I am.

LUNA: Oh, you pretty things, don't you know you're driving your mamas and papas insane…

GINNY: I'm still here, by the way!

DAVID HEYMAN: (stands in front of her) No, you're not.

BELLATRIX: MWAHAHAHAHA!

LUCIUS: Oh Jesus, I thought I'd left you at home.

Bellatrix emerges from the shadows, clad head to toe in kinky black leather and lace, with electrocuted skunk-hair, bloodstained lips and punched-out eyes.

Bitch looks fierce, if not quite human.

AUDIENCE: Ooooooh, HBC! (sigh orgasmically)

BELLATRIX: Aaaaoooowww, apples and pares, me old china, innit!

HP FANS: … Excuse me?

BELLATRIX: I'm a good gurl, I am!

HP FANS: But… but Bellatrix is posh! Her frigging sister is married to the aristocrat with a cane, for crying out loud!

YATES: Well, let's just say they're Nouveau Riche, shall we?

Although HBC doing her 'insane' bit is always fun, I am badly disappointed with mockney!Bellatrix right now.

LUCIUS: You are outnumbered and outsmexed, Harry Potter. As always. Now, give us the prophecy.

HARRY: No.

LUCIUS: Don't you want to know the secret… of your scar? All the answers are there… in your hand.

FANGIRLS: You know, I think it would add to this scene if Lucius were naked. Just, you know, for artistic and dramatic purposes.

LUCIUS: All you have to do… is give it to me… and I will show you… everything.

Seriously, he actually says that. With his own lips, he utters those words.

FANGIRLS: Oh, my.

Harry and Lucius exchange pleasantries for a while, culminating in Harry and co launching into a chorus of 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough'.

Or perhaps more accurately-

HARRY AND CO: STUPEFY!

LUCIUS: Oh no, you did not!

HARRY: Leg it!

The proceed to do so. They are followed by several Death Eaters, but only Luna and Ginny really succeed in kicking any ass. This goes on for a while, until finally the prophecy shelves start to fall in a domino effect, and our useless wankers (or intrepid heroes, as we are probably meant to view them) flee from the room like the wussy little bitches they are.

God, I really, really want the Death Eaters to win right now.

Middlesbrough circa 1996

There is no black, creepy veil here. Only a weird archway with dry ice floating about in it. Oh, I don't know. Whatever.

HARRY: Pretty!

LUNA: You know what would emphasise this experience? Some of these little blue pills I found-

HERMIONE: Harry, there's nothing there! Harry, let's goooooo! Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry-

HARRY: OH MY GOD, THE GENUINE BADASSES ARE BACK!

Clouds of dust fly around, and Harry throws himself to the floor like the fucking n00b he is, allowing his friends to be taken by Death Eaters with varying degrees of smexyness.

GINNY: I am marginally annoyed about this.

LUNA: Wow, can you guys see the pretty blue ponies? Brilliant trip, I'm telling you-

NEVILLE: Would I be right in thinking you want my body, crazy murderer lady?

HERMIONE: Pay attention to me, pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeee!

RON: I am so manly and scruffy that millions of girls just fell in love with me.

(Seriously, just on a side note – when you watch the Philosopher's Stone movie again, who would guess that it would be Rupert Grint who would grow up to be attractive, and not Dan Radcliffe who has, unfortunately, grown up to look a bit like a butch woman?)

LUCIUS: Oh my god. I seriously cannot believe you. Did you really think you could beat us – us? Two of the sexiest beings in this movie!

BELLATRIX: Sing it, Lucy!

LUCIUS: You did not just say that.

BELLATRIX: Oh yes, I did.

LUCIUS: I'll make things simple for you, Potter. Give me the prophecy, or watch your friends die.

HARRY: Woe! (hands it over)

LUCIUS: At last! At long fucking last! Oh, and by the way – Longbottom, Weasley, here's our card. If you ever feel the need to don some leather and join our sexy, sexy ranks, I see a great future for you…

And lo, out of the darkness, Sirius emerges.

Look, because we all know how this scene goes, and in honour of my dad's side of the family (who reside in the 'charming' northern town of Middlesbrough) I am going to reset the rest of this scene in Middlesbrough circa 1996. And it has become a West-Side-Story style dance-off to the tune of football chants.

SIRIUS: (chins Lucius)

And yes, it is badass, but if Lucius' pretty, pretty nose is broken, somebody's gonna die.

THE DEATH EATERS: (wielding bottles of Bacardi Breezer) Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies-

THE ORDER: (unleashing the kebab cartons) Your sister is your mother, your uncle is your brother, they all fuck one another, the Malfoy family!

LUCIUS: Damn! (drops the prophecy in shock)

BELLATRIX: Fuckin shandy drinking southerners! (glasses Sirius)

SIRIUS: (dies)

HARRY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OBSESSMUCH: Well to be fair, Harry, Sirius did hit the pretty one. Karma, and all that.

Back in Magical London, circa 2007

HARRY: I am going to own you!

BELLATRIX: Bitch, please.

VOLDEMORT: Boo!

HARRY: Gah!

BELATRIX: (along with an alarming percentage of the audience, giggles fangirlishly. I'm not going to lie, I'm totally joining in)

DUMBLEDORE: Oh no you don't!

HARRY: Dumbly!

Dumbledore and Voldemort exchange greetings. They spend a brief few minutes discussing each other's parentage, and then they launch into a duel. And this duel, unlike any we have yet seen in a HP movie, is actually seriously hardcore, and for once I have nothing to complain about.

DUMBLEDORE: Unleash the rolling ball of water!

VOLDEMORT: Release the belch of flame!

And Dumbledore seems to be winning, until-

HARRY: Oh, I'm not feeling too good… (falls down)

Harry spends the next age being possessed by Voldemort, remembering various montages of scenes showing him just what a fucking idiot he is, and you know what, I actually find myself cheering Voldemort on. Look, I'm sorry, but I think Harry (both the canon version and the movie version) is a massive Twat-Head, and I'm glad he suffers so much throughout the series.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, after six hours of Harry wangsting over what a tit-arse he is, he sees Ron and Hermione come into the room, and I swear to god, this is the actual line he utters:

HARRY: You're the weak one. And you'll never know love. Or Friendship. And I feel sorry for you.

No, I do not jest. That is actually what he says. Without cringing or anything.

VOLDEMORT: Oh GOD! And I was in that fucking n00b's body! Uuuurgh. Can wash, and wash, yet shall never be clean. GAH!

Voldemort does the only thing anyone with any dignity can do in a scene so terrible, and fucks off. And in a moment of incredibly quiet tension and emotional darkness, who comes wondering into our midst but The Fudgester. And what does he say?

FUDGE: He's back!

Ergo, completely destroying the mood. Much like somebody farting at a funeral.

The Yearly Harry/Dumbledore Chatette

DUMBLEDORE: I have to say, Harry, I thought you might be a little angry at me.

HARRY: (mumbles)

DUMBLEDORE: Well, don't bottle it up! Let it all out, love! Smash my belongings! Yell at me in capslock!

HARRY: Oh… no, you know, I'm alright.

DUMBLEDORE: Alright then. And I'm sorry I ignored you this year. But you're brooding! Don't brood, dear.

HARRY: Why not?

DUMBLEDORE: You'll get lines.

HARRY: Oh.

The Corridor

I hate these movies so much. They make me ship ships that I wouldn't touch with a barge-pole in canon. And yet they shit on everything I actively ship in canon… oh, for god's sake, shut up Jen, no-one cares.

LUNA: What's wrong, Harry?

HARRY: No-one understands me, Luna!

LUNA: Wow.

HARRY: It's so awful, I can't tell you!

LUNA: Really. So I guess people call you 'loony' and hide all your possessions and steal your shoes, huh?

HARRY: Erm… well, I'm sure they would if they thought about it!

LUNA: Of course they would. Hey look, my shoes have turned up!

And here we are, at our final CONVERSE!!!!1! sighting. And my, what fabulous converse they are.

LUNA: I'm going to go and have some pudding, Harry. Perhaps when you manage to remove your head from up your arse, you might feel like joining me.

HARRY: …

Christ Almighty…

HARRY: Wait… WAIT! I've got it! I'VE GOT IT!

RON: What, what?

HARRY: The reason for the entire past year! The huge explanation for why millions of people have paid £7.50 to sit through this movie! The BIG REVELATION that will give meaning to the past six hours!

HERMIONE: Well, what is it?

(Drumroll)

HARRY: We, unlike Voldemort, have something worth fighting for!

HARRY'S FRIENDS: (smile complacently)

THE MOVIE: (is over)

NON-HP FANS: …

HP FANS: …

NON-HP FANS: Do you have anything to say for yourselves?

HP FANS: (miserably) No.