KG Kisses: What if you were a Krimzon Guard, minding your own business and trying to survive in the system when you suddenly came face to face with none other than Dark Jak? What would you do to survive? Would you scream; cry like a little girl; or something a little more unsuspected? One-shot. Crackfic.

Disclaimer: If only, if only, the little plot bunny sings.

Image: fuck you by thegrinchlover

Rating: Teen

I promise, dear friend,

I saw not a thing.

The trauma will scar me,

But you'll feel the sting.


There are many a tales that fell upon that world when Jak was born, raised, thrown through time, tortured, and saved the world … about three times to be exact. Yet, this is not one of those stories. This is not one of those heroes save the day kind of things. It is about a normal day, in a normal elf's life, who dealt with a not so normal circumstance.

The dirt of the street beneath the Krimzon Guard's boots shifted into the wind slightly as he walked forward. He tilted his head upward watching the hover vehicles trudge past above him, occasionally stealing the light that he so wished could touch his skin and not this metallic shell he had been placed in. Tin, personally, didn't like the damn suit. It was itchy, and it chafed in places he didn't even know he had; no wonder most Krimzon Guard's were so damn grumpy, they were walking around in little metallic prisons.

… But the suits were necessary, or at least that's what the Captain of the Guard told the group of new recruit, last week, after they had finished their training. Personally, Tin hadn't really wanted to be a Krimzon Guard. He had heard some rather dirty dealings with the city's protection, but he would deal with that and keep his head low, for his sister. He had to do this for her protection … and the paycheck; the paycheck wasn't bad at all.

Another sigh escaped Tin as he started staring at the ground, this was ridiculous. He had wanted to be outside, in the wilderness, being a hero, and not a 'bully'. No, Tin hadn't fallen to the dark humor that some Krimzon Guards were known for in the city, but he had a feeling that he'd be labeled for their misdeeds non-the-less. People respected the field Krimzon Guard and feared the city Krimzon Guard. True, the field guards always had higher mortality rates, but Tin was confident, as any youth, that if he survived long enough he'd soon find himself in a comfy desk job or in the training brackets.

Besides, as of late, his survival would probably be more likely outside the walls than inside.

There had been rumors, whispered by some of his older superiors, about this … Dark Jak person. Apparently, he was either a mutant, a Metal Head hybrid, or an experiment gone wrong … but he was also supposed to have guns coming out of his hands; Tin severely doubted that rumor. So, the only thing he did know was to make sure he didn't run into this Dark Jak person. Not that he was sure what he looked like. The only thing he did know, from the whining of an older guard, was that he had this vermin thing on his shoulder that could talk. Apparently, the vermin was actually the brains of the whole operation and Dark Jak was his loyal 'mute' puppet or something.

It had been debated, among some of the younger guards and himself, that if they ever ran into Dark Jak, should they aim for the rodent over the being himself? It was an interesting hypothesis but one no one wanted to try it out. Not that he blamed them; if anyone ever screamed for backup against Dark Jak, he would quickly make himself scarce and go find a Metal Head. At least you knew you had a chance of survival with a Metal Head.

Suddenly, the young Krimzon Guard felt something slam into his back and quickly found himself sprawled on the ground, his helmet rolling off due to its large size.

"Sorry, cadet. Didn't think I'd floor you?" said a muffled voice from behind him.

Quickly, as to not make more of a fool of himself, the young soldier was to his feet and awkwardly saluting the higher soldier, his Training Captain, Marvin.

"N-not a problem, sir. I just kind of tipped. I'm still not use to this heavy armor," said Tin, actually glad for the armor. After all, when you were wearing nothing but red, nobody's going to notice you blushing.

The older soldier merely nodded and started walking forward, his gun held proudly in front of his chest. Tin didn't know anything, in a personal matter, about the older guard. All the young man knew was that Marvin was a proud soldier who took pride in his stance. There was also a rumor that he had a crush on Erol but everyone liked being alive, so no one mentioned the rumor to either party.

"Come now, cadet," said the older man with a tint of demand. "We have had a report of odd behavior in the area. You can help me check it out … and don't forget your helmet."

"S-sure," said Tin as he quickly grabbed his helmet, sticking it under his arm as he struggled to turn the safety lock off on his gun. He had nearly shot his own foot off last week, and his commanding officer's, when the trigger accidently got bumped due to his nervous shaking. Since then, he'd been ordered to keep the weapon always on safety lock. Not that he minded. He really didn't want to be shooting anyone anyway.

"So," said the cadet, catching up the taller guard now that he was finally able to get the safety off. "What exactly are we looking for?"

"A zoomer thief. Apparently, he crashed his zoomer around this area and is bound to be searching for a new one to hi-jack. It's probably one of those underground scum," said the other guard, a tint of disgust in his voice.

The boy didn't even get to open his mouth to inquire further when there was an explosion overhead, a zoomer crashing head long into another zoomer. A racing Krimzon guard ship coming around the corner in pursuit. Tin barely had time to blink as the suspect jumped out of his downed vehicle, the metallic pieces falling towards the two stunned guards.

"Look out you, moron," cried Marvin as he tackled the dumb youth, the two of them barely dodging the zoomer as it buried itself into the ground in a collection of smoke and shrapnel.

Then, before he could even blink, his commanding offer was to his feet, heading over the suspect whom was now pulling himself off the ground like a stunned cat. At first, he looked like any regular elf with a strange hair color. That is, until he saw the rodent that was on the suspect's shoulder. The world, in all its chaos seemed to suddenly still, as if a camera were focusing on the being before him. It was easy to say that he had never felt such fear … well, at least not until after the air started to jump in dark eco and this beast suddenly took over the suspect's body, purple lightning dancing from its fingertips as it struck out like a ravenous monster.

For a moment, Tin sat there, unable to move, his hands shaking as he pulled his gun closer as if were security blanket. Okay, maybe this job wasn't one of his better ideas.

"Grrrrrrrr." Not that he had a choice.

The young soldier swallowed as he watched Dark Jak lurch out towards his commanding officer. For a moment, Tin struggled with his weapon as if he didn't know how to use it, but right as he threw Tin's commanding officer into the wall, one single gunshot seemed to echo over the world along with another cry. A stillness quickly fell over the alley, along with a thud as Daxter fell to the ground. For a short time, that's all they did was stand there, both staring at the small fuzzy being Tin had just shot.

Sadly, the silence didn't last, and a howl of rage escaped Tin's opponent. The young rookie hugged his gun and backed into the wall with a whimper. He wanted to cry out that it had been an accident and that he was actually aiming for Dark Jak, but the eco-freak was upon him and gripping his neck. Then, in an angry manner Jak revealed a clawed hand to his newest victim as if telling Tin that he was going to pay for what he had done.

The young elf's mind raced as dropped his gun and struggled to free his throat and keep breathing. What was he going to do! Was he supposed to come up with the answer for immortality? That was unlikely. Oh Mar, he was going to die, wasn't he! He was going to die if he didn't do something. But what was he supposed to do? He was now unarmed and pinned against the wall. Mar, there had to be something he could do, there had to be!

Dark Jak drew a little closer, a growl emitting from the beast's throat. Yet, just as Dark Jak was about to rake his claws down the rookie's face, the young Krimzon Guard's hand reached upward and grabbed a collection of Jak's hair. Dark Jak was about to lash out in defense, but the next thing he knew, he was in a rather awkward kiss with the equally shocked guard.

For a moment, everyone was still, Daxter having risen from the dead and standing there with one eye twitching. Then, with a slightly girly scream, Tin pushed the eco-soldier to the ground as if he had been the perpetrator. The three beings then all exchanged confused expressions and with a cry of 'I'm sorry' the rookie was running down the alley, like he had just done some type of hit and run. Dark Jak just sat there where he had been knocked down into the dirt, his beastly mind unable to comprehend what had just happened. That is, until a certain ottsel cleared his throat, gaining the other's attention.

"Okay, tall dark and gruesome, let us never mention 'this' again," said the ottsel with his slightly now mangled ear. "Never."

"So soldier," hissed Erol as he leaned forward toward the shaking rookie whom looked too young to be in that armor with his short curly red hair and freckles. "Tell us again how you were the only soldier that managed to escape?"

Tin blinked a few times, a small whine forming in his throat as he cringed a little more in his seat. He had run the whole way back to head quarts to inform them that there had been a sneak attack by the one called Dark Jak. Now that went all fine and dandy, no one ever bothering to ask why he was able enough to report this. That was, of course, until the Captain of the Guards had sat him down on a chair and loomed over him like some kind of hell bent hawk, him the mouse.

"Well?" questioned Erol, his impatience beginning to waver.

"W-well, I, I –"

What was he supposed to say? He couldn't tell them the truth, and what if he did? Would he say that he just kind of casually kissed a flesh eating monster? No! That would get him thrown in the brig for sure, and probably, out of a job as well. Mar, what was he going to say?

"I'm growing in patient, boy," added Erol, his eyes becoming slits as some of the other Krimzon Guards started to fall in closer around the young soldier, waiting for the answer to survival.

Then, without even a moment of hesitation, Tin blurted out, "I kicked him between the legs."

Under any other circumstances, the twitching eyes and 'damn that's cold' phrases coming from the men around him, would have been entertaining. But, everyone was now looking at him as if he had just said he did kiss Dark Jak. Mar, today just wasn't his day.

Torn sat at his desk, his eyes glaring down at a map before him as if daring it to move. It had been a pretty quiet week except for one misused Dark Jak appearance on a public street about four days ago, after a zoomer accident. Not that Torn was going to bother in scolding the boy; it wasn't his job to give the little hellon driving lessons. Not one bit.

A sound of the door sliding open quickly filled the room, and Torn instinctively reached for his side arm, looking up to see who was coming in. Instead of the usual squeak of stairs, he heard a pain filled groan and someone stumbling down the stairs as if they were a bag of flour. Torn automatically jumped to his feet since something was most certainly wrong. Underground members did not just fall down the stairs if they were feeling fine. It had not been the first time someone had come to him bleeding like a stuffed yak-cow, and expected Torn to sew him or her up.

Yet, before he could even get past the beds, Torn could help but tense as he watched Jak stumbled down the remainder of the stairs and collapse onto the floor, whimpering. After a moment of shock, the older elf quickly ran over to the boy, pushing off the rat and turning the boy onto his back.

"Are you injured? Where? Let me see it!" griped the older elf as he pulled at the younger being's tangled limbs.

Jak shook his head and pushed the other man away as if he were a stubborn child, curling back into a ball.

"Let me see," demanded Torn as he grabbed at the boy again, forcing the youth to look at him.

For a moment the eco-soldier locked eyes with the underground commander. Then, slowly grasping onto the other man's shirt for support as he sat up, his breath struggling, Jak whimpered, "I … don't think … I'll … ever have … children."

Jak then fell back the floor in a whining mass, clutching himself. For a moment, Torn knelt there with a confused expression before he threw a look at the rat, which was standing there, almost completely covered in bandages as if people had be shooting at him more than Jak. Torn personally doubted the Underground would have that kind of luck when dealing with the rat, though.

"Don't look at me," replied Daxter immediately as he threw his arms into the air. "I don't know what's come over all those crazy Krimzon Guards, but at least they're not trying to kiss him anymore."

Torn merely blinked for a moment before saying simply, "You let a rookie go, didn't you?"


Paw07: I hope you all got a good laugh out of Jak's suffering. I sure know I did. Maybe if I have time I'll make some fanart of Tin so you can all get a look at the dork. ^ ^;