A/N: Ta Da! An udpate! I know it's been a while, or at least it feels like it, so I apologize. I'm thinking I might actually make the switch in my major and do creative writing, so I've been working on a couple of my own stories for a portfolio, so that's taken up some time. Anywho, this is part one of this chapter, which deals with everything in the chapter entitled Invitations in twilight, all except for the last page, where Edward asks Bella to go to Seattle with him. That will be clumped in with the Blood Type chapter, which is part two. The reason for the part 1&2 is because there's no journal for the next one, but there will be afterward. This one does begin with a journal. This chapter was kind of fun, it gets very scientific in the beginning, hopefully it made sense, I am not a science person at all haha I think you'll find the end interesting, hopefully you'll know what's going on there...I didn't want to make it obvious or anything, but it wasn't insignificant either. I probably just gave it away somehow, I'm horrible at this lol Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! I'd love a review to hear what you think :) Also, this is kind of off topic but I have to share this. It's a song that is just beautiful I'm listening to it right now and I can't get enough. It's called To Build a Home. The music is done by The Cinematic Orchestra and the song is sung by Patrick Watson, who has such a unique and incredible voice. It's on youtube, entitled To Build A Home - The Cenematic Orchestra. Take a listen, it's brilliant. Alright, enough of my babbling, enjoy the story and have a good one!:D
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyer sure does!
Science vs. Faith
The Never Ending Battle
I have never had the need to 'Google' information in regards to an observation or a subject in order to make more sense of things, for usually things are made quite clear by the subject's body language. However, in the case of the Cullens, Google has been a tool I have reluctantly turned to for answers. Today, the answers I am in search of are in regards to telepathy.
According to Webster's online dictionary, telepathy can be defined as: "apparent communication from one mind to another without using sensory perceptions."
Already, a flaw has shone through for telepathy is anything but apparent. It is something that cannot be seen or proven on the spot, therefore it is not apparent at all. In the case of Edward Cullen, despite a smile in my direction, nothing else could have signalled to his 'apparent' telepathy. And the more I consider this simple gesture of stopping to smile back at me, the more I realize it's just that; a simple gesture. I've seen it done many times at the end of a conversation, when one party turns to smile once more at the other. There is nothing suspicious about it.
The twitch, however, now that is questionable. It could have been a coincidence that he flinched the moment I thought the words 'I know your secret', but maybe it was just an uncontrollable muscle twitch. It all could have been coincidental. The worst part of it is there is no proof, no way of knowing whether it was just one big coincidence, or whether this telepathy thing really exists and that Edward Cullen is capable of it.
This simply adds to the never ending frustration in regards to the Cullen subjects. Nothing ever adds up with them, nothing seems right, yet there's no concrete evidence to prove otherwise. The frustration makes me long for the answer to their mystery even more. Thus, I've given in to this possibility of telepathy and used the almighty 'Google' to search for any scientific ties to the ability.
Quantum physics was, essentially, all about energy and how atoms and electrons interact. In this circumstance, the idea of mind reading almost made logical sense to me. There was one sentence in particular that stood out to me that spoke about wave-particle duality and actually made this telepathy business make concrete, logical sense:
"If the velocity of the electron is thought of as its wavelength, the crests of neighbouring electron waves amplify or cancel each other."
I imagined Edward and I as two electrons orbiting an atom at different wavelengths, as were the rest of the student body, all encircling this atom that I envisioned as Forks High. Everyone's energy is interacting, some people move up to other wavelengths and others move down or are cancelled out completely. The further I am from Edward, the more impossible it is for our energies to interact, but when it's just the two of us the flow of energy is inescapable.
Now throw in the mind reading. The first day I saw Edward, I was sure he read my mind. But after that, there were no signs of it until today. What if we were simply too far apart for it to take place, for him to pick up on my energy? That is, hypothetically speaking, if he could read minds and in fact did hear my thoughts.
So, when I'm crowded by other electrons and their energy, mine gets cancelled out, which means Edward can't pick up on it. But when we're alone or close enough for our two energies to interact, he can hear my thoughts.
However, other than my own understanding and twisting of quantum theory in relation to telepathy, nothing I read could in fact prove the existence of it. Perhaps it was because the kind of telepathy described and scientifically proven was not the same as the one I was seeking an explanation for. The telepathy described in the countless essays and websites I had encountered on my search was one based on perceptiveness from a distance, like a bad feeling about someone who isn't with you. And a lot of it was studied using twins, which Edward Cullen is not.
So, whether Edward heard my thoughts or not is still up in the air. While my own theories make sense, I'm not sitting here with a PhD in quantum physics, so I can't hold much merit to it. Still, something makes me never want to be alone with Edward, just in case. And I suppose I'd have to watch my thoughts during Biology too, since there are less electrons to interfere with my energy, so to speak.
Does this mean Edward can, in fact, read the thoughts of others? No, but it certainly does make it all make logical sense. It could be, but it doesn't mean that it is.
On another note, I must report on the latest interaction between my two prime subjects, Bella Swan and, of course, Edward Cullen. After observing a conversation in the hallway of the hospital after Bella's almost-death, I've come to the conclusion that there is the possibility that Bella knows Edward's secret. I can't be sure just yet, but it is a speculation. They spoke in hushed tones and Bella mentioned that she was lying about something for Edward, to cover up for him.
Now, as mentioned in previous journals, I wonder if mingling with a subject would be beneficial. Perhaps developing a friendship with Bella would create a trust between us in which she would share Edward's secret with me. Even the greatest secret keepers burst open their safes.
Anxiety and paranoia filled every crevice of my being as I walked through the halls to my classes on the days following the accident. While I still did not hold much to the idea of mind reading, having worked it into a scientific, logical scenario made me extremely nervous of the possibility of it. My ideas on the matter could be completely bogus, but it made sense to me and that scared the hell out of me. Anything I give a thought to as I weave through the halls, the huddle of girls giggling to my right or the massive mud stain on the hem of someone's jeans, all of it will be sent to Edward Cullen's mind if he's close enough and if I think them loud enough for him to hear. The commentary in my mind about the happenings going on around me was no longer a private joke, now I had an audience. When I knew Edward wouldn't be around, I was a bit more relaxed, although still on guard, but during lunch and Biology there was no escape.
On the day following the accident, most of the chatter going around was about the accident and everyone was pummelling Bella for the story. But, when her story ceased to change and it was always the same – Edward was standing nearby and pulled her out of the way – people got bored and stopped asking. After a week it was as if the accident never happened, it was smoothed over, erased from the past, never to see the light of the present again. Even the interaction between Edward and Bella had ceased after the accident.
Bella uttered a friendly hello to Edward the day after the accident, to which he nodded coldly and then ignored her. He continued to ignore her for weeks after that. I began to think that the accident had caused a rift in the atmosphere, that it was some cosmic event that zapped everything back into order.
When Bella arrived, everything in Forks had changed, there was someone new coming in and it disrupted our lives. Relationships were broken and new ones were formed, hopes were crushed and jealousies erupted, and most importantly, a once obscure family's facade was shattering upon the new girl's arrival. The Cullen's, once a puzzle I could never put together suddenly revealed some of its valuable pieces, all because of Bella. Could the car accident have been some supernatural way of the world correcting itself, of a way to get rid of her and restore order? Because, now that the accident seems like a blurry dream of the past, the dynamics of the student body has returned to the way it used to be before Bella. The Cullen's were themselves again, distant and separate from the rest of the students, who lived in their own oblivious little world. And then there was me, somewhere on the outskirts of both, not really belonging to one or the other. What was the cosmic reason for me?
This supernatural, mind reading, mystical, coo-coo crap was completely distorting the way I'm registering things in my mind. I need to stick to science, the one thing that could never lie, that will always tell me the simple truth without loopholes and exceptions. Facts are facts, nothing more and nothing less, which is what I love about them.
But still, something continued to caution me to monitor my thoughts, to think in code just in case. It was ridiculous and I almost wanted to laugh at the silliness of it all, but still during Biology I restricted my thoughts to 'ohs' and 'ahs', dripping any slip ups with snippets of old memories and useless facts.
To say the month to follow the accident was dull is an understatement. Nothing was happening, everything was back to the way it always was and worst of all, the Cullens were back to their rigid, cold, distant selves. Bella seemed to delve deeper into Jessica Stanley's group of friends, although she didn't always seem too thrilled about it. I couldn't understand why she chose to hang out with them, she seemed so different, more substantial. But I suppose that's why Mike clung to her like mould on bread, because she wasn't like the other girls.
Things started to liven up in March, when the girl's choice spring dance loomed closer. The tension hovering through the air was unbearable. Girls were frantically running around, gushing about how to ask –insert cute boy name here – to the dance, guys were freaking out about whether – insert cute girl name here – was going to ask them, and most interestingly, Jessica Stanley was worrying about Bella and whatever interest she had in Mike and how it could ruin her chances with him.
I just happened to be standing by when she was discussing her misfortune with Angela. Okay, so maybe I was eavesdropping, but does the means by which I get my information really that important?
"So, I asked him..." Jessica said to Angela as she opened her locker, her expression not like the cheery, fake and scheming one I'm so used to seeing on her.
"What happened?" Angela asked, genuinely concerned.
"He said he 'had to think about it'. Can you believe that?" She said with finger quotations.
"Oh, Jess, I'm so sorry." Angela put a reassuring hand on Jessica's shoulder. I actually, sort of felt bad for her in that moment. I mean, yeah she's kind of, well, bitchy, but she had feelings like the rest of us. She's been head over heels for Mike for the longest time, it was kind of sad to see her so crushed. A little pitiful, but sad.
"Whatever, I mean, it's not like he said no. Right?" She asked, still hanging on to the last shred of hope she had for any kind of romantic relationship with Mike.
"Yeah, of course!" Angela smiled, but I think she knew what a lost cause it was. It was very clear Mike was all over Bella and that he had hoped to she'd ask him. It would be interesting if she did, I wonder how Jessica would take that.
I got my answer to that later when Mike spilled the beans in Biology. He explained the situation with Jessica and what his answer to her was, to which Bella disapproved and encouraged him to say yes. He then revealed that he'd been hoping Bella would ask him, to which she broke the news that she wasn't going to the dance at all, that she was going to be in Seattle. I was a little disappointed by the news because that means once of my subjects would be out of the picture for an entire weekend and without one I can't properly observe the other. Bummer.
Mike's ego crushing wasn't what caught my attention, but rather Edward's behaviour during the conversation. I mean, maybe I'm reading too much into this but he seemed to be kind of interested in what Bella had to say when Mike asked her to ask him to the dance. Edward hadn't so much as looked at Bella for an entire month, but once Mike left he actually turned to look at her. Was he jealous? Did he secretly wish she would have asked him? I guess she won't be asking anyone, since she claims to be going to Seattle, but it doesn't mean Mike and whoever else wanted her to ask them won't be wounded or that Edward would be any less jealous because of it. Maybe he wasn't jealous, I couldn't tell and I tried not to think about it too much just in case, but it kind of seemed like it.
I noticed Edward's eyes were black when I caught a glimpse of his profile as he was staring at Bella. The minute I thought the word 'black' I linked it with 'board' so he'd think I was concentrating on the lesson. I felt so stupid, but it gave me a peace of mind to know my thoughts were still mine in some way.
Class droned on after that, and I was getting tired of hiding my thoughts so I decided not to think at all. It seems impossible, but with a window seat it's not hard to get lost in the view outside, however wet and mucky that view is. When the bell rang something beautiful flourished and I would have revelled in every second of its beauty, had it not been for the crappy timing. I could only stall for so long until it would seem too suspicious, plus when nobody is around it's easy to glance at the only other person at the room which would give me away without question. So I gathered my things and stood outside the doorway.
Edward's behaviour was very strange. He initiated the conversation with Bella, but when she asked if he was talking to her again he said no. What the heck does that mean? What was the point in saying hello if you aren't necessarily talking to a person? I kind of felt like going in there and dragging Bella out to save her from the mediocrity. Maybe it was my resentment towards Edward for is maybe mind reading, or maybe I actually worried for Bella's emotional well being, whatever it was, it took a bit of restraint to keep myself out from marching in there.
Bella then said something that kind of shocked me. She claimed that Edward regretted saving her. It was something I hadn't necessarily considered, but now that she mentions it, it kind of does seem that way. He's been ignoring her for an entire month, if that doesn't scream regret then I don't know what does.
Edward then surprised me by defensively saying Bella didn't know anything. So he didn't regret saving her? But why this sudden coldness toward her? Was it about the secret she's keeping for him? Did he think cutting all ties with her would keep it from coming out?
I found myself dragging my nails up and down my left arm, literally itching to know what on earth was going on between those two.
Bella started walking towards the door, which was my cue to skedaddle. I walked away, debating whether I should go to gym. I suppose I should make an appearance, considering I've only gone to class like six times in the past month.
Coach Clapp glared at me as I passed to go to the changing room, annoyance clear on his face. I guess I haven't been the most cooperative student, but seriously if I have to play volleyball one more time I might explode.
When I stepped into the gym I noticed it was basketball day. Great, more hard balls for Bella to whack me in the head with. At least I'm kind of a decent basketball player, so it won't be too horrible.
A group of girls were whispering around me and I knew instantly they were talking about me. I could hear them as they fussed over which one would approach me.
"No, you do it. She's –"
"Sh, just go tell her!"
I could see Britney now in my peripheral vision as she hesitantly approached me. These people act like I belong in a mental institution, like I'm unstable or something. Just because I don't talk much doesn't mean I'm psycho.
"A-Annie?" She stuttered. I turned to meet her gaze. She looked... scared. Were people actually scared of me? Is that how they saw me?
"Yeah?" I asked, sounding as timid as a mouse. God, can I just speak with a smidgen of confidence for once?
"Um, we just wanted to let you know, uh, that we're going to try to avoid passing the ball to Bella. She's a little clumsy and uncoordinated so we just try to work around her, so..."
Her eyes were on my feet the entire time. It broke my heart a little to know people thought of me this way. I mean, I never really cared when they avoided me because I just thought they never really saw me, like I was invisible. But to know that people really do notice me and see me in this totally wrong way was disheartening.
"No problem. I learned that lesson the hard way on her first day." I said with a smile and even a hint of a laugh. Britney looked up at me and smiled then, like she was pleasantly surprised.
"Yeah, she hit you in the head, right?" She asked, smiling and engaging in a normal conversation with me. Oh my God. I was having a regular, teenage girl conversation! Me! Annie McCord, talking to someone without sweaty palms or a quiet, barely there voice, I was actually doing this!
"Yeah, I had a bump for like, a week." I said, rubbing my hand where the bump once was. She laughed. She kept her smile and opened her mouth to say something.
"Hey, uh – "
"Brit, come on! We're picking teams!" Jenna hollered, one of the girls from Britney's group of friends.
"Yeah, I'll be right there!" She called back. Then she turned to me. "Well, I'll see you around, Annie."Britney smiled and then jogged over to her friends.
I'll never know what it was she wanted to tell me, or whether I could actually have made a friend out of her. I never realized how lonely I was in that moment. All of those years of solitude, of grieving, and I missed out on the joys of having others to share your life with. I wondered then, if I hadn't dwelled on my mother's death like I had, if I would have tried to move on, maybe I could have developed bonds with people who could have made me stronger and helped me to live again. Maybe I could have been my old self again if I would have just let somebody, anybody in.
But, there's no point in worrying about it now. I made my bed and now I'll have to lie in it. That's life, I guess.
I was more than relieved when gym was over and that I could finally go home. As I was walking to the parking lot I overheard Eric Yorkie asking Bella to the dance. I started to sense a pattern here and wondered which boy would ask Bella to the dance. So much for girl's choice.
There was a delay going out of the parking lot because of the traffic jam Edward was causing. He pulled out in the middle of the road and then stopped to wait for his slow moving family. I was stuck behind Tyler, who was waving to Bella, who was stuck directly behind Edward. Was this some kind of cheesy ploy of Edward's to get Bella to ask him to the dance? Will this be bachelor number three? I rolled my eyes and let out a huff as I impatiently waited for Edward's Volvo to speed away.
Tyler then got out of his car and tapped on Bella's passenger side window. Seriously now? Does she really need a fourth guy asking her to the dance? Did they not get the memo that she wouldn't be in town?
I noticed Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett piling into the Volvo and got ready to go. I looked forward and noticed Edward's laughing face in his side view mirror. Did Edward and Tyler plan this out or was this just an incredible coincidence? Edward seemed to enjoy Tyler's rejection and Bella's annoyance. It reminded me of kindergarten when little boys would call little girls names and throw rocks at them to show they liked them. He was enjoying getting on Bella's nerves and that she was rejecting every guy that was pretty much his competition for Bella's heart, although standing next to Edward, there is no competition.
Later that night, as I was passing through the kitchen to grab a drink, I noticed Bella cutting something, but looking a bit distracted. It didn't take a genius to know she was racking her brain about Edward. I knew that all too well, for I've been doing it for two years. Maybe we should start a club.
I went upstairs afterwards to bask in the serenity of my room and its new color: blackberry. It felt even safer now and much warmer. It was easier to drift off to sleep. It was still kind of early, about eight, but I couldn't help but allow myself to succumb to the sleepiness.
When I woke up it was still dark out. I checked my clock and sure enough it was still night time, 1:17 AM to be exact. I had a feeling going to sleep so early would come back to bite me. I felt so groggy and was still half asleep. I got up, my movements heavy and robotic, as I made my way to the bathroom. It felt like I was sitting there for hours, but when I got back to my room the clock informed me it was only 1:21AM. I just stood there in the middle of my room, facing my window and stared at it. I was breathing slowly and heavily, my eyes barely blinking. I was about to fall back into bed when I noticed something moving outside. It looked like it was on the Swan house. I started to imagine a tree branch smacking against a window pane and figured it was that, until I realized the house in my mind was nothing like the Swan's and that there was no tree outside of her window. I'm dreaming, I think. Yeah, definitely. I've had ones like this before, sort of, the burglar ones. Except, normally I'm not watching, I'm actually in it and it's my house being burglarized. It was so weird watching it happen from afar like this. You'd think I'd be used to it, being an observer and all, but in my dreams I'm always the leading lady, never off into the distance like this. I felt so powerless too, like I couldn't move or speak, no matter how much I wanted to run for help. So I just stood there, teetering from side to side fighting fatigue as I watched it all happen.
This burglar was incredible, as sleek as a jungle cat as he dangled from the eave above the window, landing gracefully on his feet when he let himself drop. He then slid the window open and went in, with not so much as a creek. Or maybe there was one? I couldn't really hear anything, to be honest.
Before I knew it I was bouncing from the impact of my body falling on to my springy mattress.