Summary: [AU] Kitsunes are renowned for their illusions, shapeshifting and mischievous nature. Konoha will learn why it is an extremely bad idea to harbor a Kitsune, let alone the God of Kitsune.
Disclaimer: Tired of the same ol' 'Don't own Naruto?' Well, let's try a new one… I OWN NARUTO! *runs away from pitchfork wielding lawyers* Can't catch me ya bastards! Muhahahaha!
Sarutobi groaned in pain as he got up from the surprising comfortable couch. Falling down flat on your face was no mean feat, but it sure was painful. His clone had taken care of him and sent Inuzuka Tsume and her partners out to hunt Naruto, using the clothes Naruto inadvertently left behind.
What had happened before he fainted…? Oh, right. S-class criminal appearing, mooning, no alert, Hokage Mountain redecorated, S-rank doton jutsu used in a prank, a 'Kick Me' sign on his back… Biting back another groan, Sarutobi dispelled his clone. He now had to get someone to clean up the Hokage Mountain, and he would be infinitely glad if it was the brat himself.
Hearing a commotion outside, he looked out of his window only to see a cackling Naruto zooming by. Tsume went by, swearing up and down. She looked more like a clown than a kunoichi, what with her sudden cloth swap and excessive makeup. Sarutobi stared in shock when all three of Tsume's partners – three huge terrifying wolf dogs – zoomed by, most of their fur shaved off. What little fur remained on them – mainly on their heads, tails and legs – was dyed in a horrible bubblegum pink color, making them look like oversized poodles. One even had a pink ribbon around on her ears!
Sarutobi violently closed the drapes, desperately wishing for peace. This wasn't peace! This was war! The entire Konoha had apparently waged a secret war against the blond jinchuuriki without the Sandaime's knowledge, and she was losing! He had no idea how the hell one managed to lose to one measly blond brat from hell despite having every advantage one could think of – number, size, knowledge, expertise… why, the list was endless! And Konoha was losing!
"AAARRRGGG!" Sarutobi screamed in frustration, glaring at the portrait of a clueless Yondaime. "Couldn't you do something more permanent than just sealing Kyuubi into that abomination from hell?" The Yondaime mocked him from the safely of his portrait, a clueless look firmly plastered on. At that moment the ANBU Commander popped inside the office, looking just as bad as Sandaime felt.
The Commander slumped into one of the chairs, exhausted. He then drew out a scroll and unsealed it to reveal the contents – three bottles of 60% proof vodka. He opened one and poured a generous amount into two cups, and handed one to Sandaime. "Fucking sake's too weak. Need something stronger." Sandaime empathically agreed with him, downing the cup in one go.
"So. The brat learn a doton jutsu?" The Commander was already on his third cup, but wasn't even close to buzzed. When you held a stressful job like the Commander did, you built a very high tolerance to alcohol – it simply came with the job. He had Uzumaki Naruto to thank for furthering the Commander's already legendary alcohol tolerance into bijuu-level. The man could drink 90% of Konoha's shinobis under the table in one go before going home under his own power.
Sarutobi groaned in pleasure as the alcohol burned his throat. This was some seriously good vodka, he decided. "That hand on the Yondaime's face? It's a modified version of the Hand of God no jutsu." The Commander almost spat out the vodka at the news, but decided that it was a cardinal sin to waste good booze, so he forced himself to swallow. "That jutsu takes almost the same amount of chakra to summon a boss creature! How the hell does he have the chakra capacity for it? For that matter, how did he learn it?"
A pleasant buzz was clouding the God of Shinobi's mind, dampening the shock from the general chaos. He gave a contented groan, polishing his fifth cup, "Chakra probably from the Kyuubi. Forbidden Scroll. Naruto was putting it back when I caught him in the act. He got away though. Ruddy bastard."
The Commander groaned, this time picking up the bottle instead of refilling his cup. He began to chug on it. "See how he get in?" He was referring to Naruto getting inside the room containing the Forbidden Scroll. That room was one of the most secure rooms in Konoha, on par with Ibiki's office. At Sandaime's head shake, he groaned again. "More security holes… goddamnit, more work for me. Konoha is like a figgin giant black hole – we caught all sort of spies and informants after the Lockdown. There was even one from the old Steam Country! I mean, what the hell they have to gain from here?!"
At Sarutobi's sluggish shrugging, he groaned yet again. "Anyway. The brat also managed to cover Ibiki's office with homosexual posters, and that included the floor and ceiling. Obviously, Ibiki's not too happy about that, which is good for us and bad for prisoners. I've sent my clones to deal with –"
A horrible, horrible thought made its way through the Commander's brain, freezing him. "Sarutobi, please don't tell me that the Kage Bushin no Jutsu was in the Forbidden Scroll." He plaintively pleaded, sobering instantly despite the amount of alcohol he had consumed.
The pleasant buzz rapidly left the venerable Hokage's mind at the question, forcing him to come to term with today's horribleness. Shit, this was bad news indeed. A stone sober Sarutobi Sandaime shared a long-suffering look with the Commander. "I'm afraid so. In fact, it was the very first jutsu on the scroll…" The horrible, horrible thoughts of a thousand Uzumaki Naruto all causing mayhem made him cringe. He doubted if Konoha or indeed, the rest of the world would survive if Naruto did indeed learn the Shadow Clone and use it to the maximum capacity.
In another reality similar to our reality, Naruto utilized the Kage Bushin to the maximum capacity. That world was now a barren wasteland, its inhabitants had long since committed suicide to get away from the pranking monster from hell that called itself Uzumaki Naruto. In that world, the dead inhabitants were so afraid of Naruto that they happily embraced death and eternal damnation just so they wouldn't have to deal with humiliation.
But luckily, our reality will be different from the one described above, because if it wasn't different then this story would end rather quickly. I mean, how much more can I write when everyone committed suicide just to get away from Naruto? Who would be left to deal with Naruto? We wouldn't want that, do we? Good. Moving on…
Not knowing how lucky he (and by extension, the rest of the world) was that Naruto decided not to go that story ending route, he was horrified. Just what the hell had they unleashed when Yondaime sealed Kyuubi?!
"Holy mother of god! One was bad enough, and now we have to deal with more than one? Clones that can think and fend for themselves and use chakra? Clones that are for all intent and purpose a carbon copy of the original? Shiiit. We're fucked." The ANBU Commander, the Second Supreme Leader of Konoha, subordinate only to the Hokage, and the second most powerful person in Konoha, bawled like an overgrown baby.
Tsume didn't catch Naruto, although she came far closer than anyone else. She actually had him by the neck before the brat impossibly wiggled out of the chokehold, stuck his tongue at her and gave a wet willie to a snarling Komaru before bounding away.
Panting angrily, she assessed herself. She was wearing a funny looking clown costume, which was conveniently on hand when all of her clothes had inexplicably fallen apart at the seams before an appreciative Naruto. She had spluttered angrily and blushed at the same time. Naruto had managed to get a good view and at the same time he made her look like a clown using white powder, lipsticks and fixing her hair, the whole works.
The whole thing was over in a flash, and she was bewildered to see that not even her partners were unscathed from the whole incident. She would've found the sight of her partners looking like overgrown poodles hilarious and would laugh for days, but she was so incensed by Naruto's crass actions that the only thing on her mind was revenge.
Now that he was gone, she looked at herself in a mirror. Surprising enough, Naruto actually made the clown costume work on her, somehow working the Inuzuka markings and making it look like it was a part of clown costume. She couldn't say the same of her poodles, who were barking and snarling angrily. Stifling a grin, she motioned them to follow her.
In the end, it took promises of non-retaliation and all-you-can-eat-ramen paid directly from Konoha Treasury to get Naruto to clean up the Hokage Mountain. It also took three four-men ANBU Hunter squads to ensure that Naruto did not bail out and finish his job.
Sarutobi groaned in despair. Since when Konoha had to bribe a civilian to clean up their mess, and then hire three Hunter squads to ensure the said civilian did not bail out early?! A civilian! The beginning of a headache began to trickle in.
Later on Sarutobi would realize why it was such a bad idea to give Naruto, of all people, all-you-can-eat-ramen paid directly by a military budget. Allow me to explain: a normal non-militant country's operational budget, which makes most of its income on taxes, tariff and corporate taxes, was quite small compared to a militant country whose main source of income came from waging war.
In fact, a militant country's budget was so large that it was beyond ridiculous. A lot of money had to go into basically pumping out super soldiers every year, maintaining the warlike workforce, weapon research and development, maintaining a hospital and the associated workforce, the intelligence workforce, the list could go on and on.
The fact remained that all of this was extremely important to the survival of a country, and if one country lacked the funds for a particular department, say, intelligence, then you can be pretty damn sure that country will be invaded and turned into a satellite/puppet country so fast that it would make your head spin. The point is, if the country doesn't have enough money to properly fund everything, it won't remain a sovereign country any longer.
And now we come to the reason why Sarutobi will realize why it was such a bad idea. Naruto basically pulled a fast one on Konoha Treasury by making it pay for every single ramen he could find. And by the gods, could he find them. Within 24 hours, (as that was the original term – all-you-can-eat for 24 hours paid by Konoha) Naruto had a monopoly on the entire supply of instant ramen cups in Konoha. Furthermore, he found every single ramen stand he could in Fire Country, and proceeded to demolish them.
This was very good for the ramen stand owners, as they began to retire and sold their businesses, funnily enough, to Naruto. Since this was a Ramen-related issue, Konoha was forced to buy the businesses for him. This was also very bad for Sarutobi, who had gone under the assumption that Naruto would eat perhaps sixty to one hundred bowls of ramen and then go home. He did not anticipate Naruto eating .005% of Konoha's operational budget in under 24 hours.
Now, you might be tempted to think, only .005%? Pfft, right?
Wrong. Since we're dealing with a military budget, their operational budget could easily number in the trillions ryo. And .005% of some trillions ryo translates to at least fifty million ryo, we're talking about an obscene amount of money just for ramen. I don't care what kind of conversion ratio you got in your native country, but in just about any currency numbering in the millions just for one brand of food is a shitload of money just for one day and for one kid.
Sandaime, to his undying shame, will in the future use the best, most ruthless and efficient lawyer (and by best I mean the best, period) to make contracts with Uzumaki Naruto just so he won't screw Konoha over, like he did with the Great Ramen Takeover™. He had even somehow used part of the ramen money Konoha so foolishly granted him to purchase a trademark! Sarutobi asked himself multiple times since then: since when Konoha needed to use the best lawyer to deal with a civilian just so it won't get screwed over?!?
Ironically enough, The Professor didn't know it but any random Konoha civilian (and later on, any random civilian from any random country as well) could've easily answered his question: Since Namikaze Minato sealed the God of Kitsune into a baby.
"Oho? The Kyuubi jinchuuriki does not want to become a shinobi? At such critical time too! What amazing coincidence that I'll be in Konoha in a couple days… Might as well see if I can convert the jinchuuriki to my side, kukukuku…"
"Hello Naruto-kun." A slimy voice said behind Naruto.
"Gah!" Naruto jumped in surprise. He whirled around, before squinting in confusion. Tall, pale skin so white that he could see the veins? Check. Long hair, so long to the point of looking gay? Check. Creepy silted yellow eyes that eyed him (pun intentional) like he was prey? Check. Purple eyeliner? Check. Purple clothes, with a giant purple knot on his back? Check. A very strong snakey smell emanating from him? Check. Purple nails? Double check. In short, the guy took creepy to a whole new level.
Naruto paled. He recognized this guy as the same guy he transformed into back in the civilian academy, and he sure as hell didn't like the way Orochimaru was staring at him. He thought that Orochimaru had come here to exact revenge on him for smearing his 'coughgoodcough' name, and prepared to run like a bat (or rather like a fox) straight out of hell.
The good news was that none of Orochimaru's spies had thought fit to tell him about the S-Class Mooning-Nin Incident. To do so was to invoke the wrath of the S-class criminal and forfeit their own life. In short, he did not know about the S-Class Mooning-Nin Incident or else he wouldn't have showed up like he did. He would've simply killed Naruto on the spot.
Luckily he didn't know, so he mistook Naruto's look of fear for the fear of people in general who abused orphans and tried to give a reassuring smile. Needless to say, with his face, it failed. Miserably. "Do not worry Naruto-kun, I will not hurt you. My name is Orochimaru, and I've come here to give you an offer."
Naruto was a bright kid, so he realized that if Orochimaru came here and gave him an offer, it could only be one of the three things. One: He didn't know about the S-Class Mooning-Nin Incident. Two: He did know about the S-Class Mooning-Nin Incident, but didn't care about it. Three: He did know about the Incident, and cared enough to show up in the same village that wanted his head on a pike to kill him in a horrible, drawn out, gruesome manner.
Feeling bold, Naruto asked a simple question to find out which of the Three Options were correct, "Are you here because of the Incident?" Orochimaru cocked his head to side, honestly confused. "The Incident? Why, did something happen here?"
Naruto shook his head, inordinately relieved. He wasn't going to die in a horrible, horrible manner. Not now, at least. He gave a nervous laugh, "Ahaha, Nuthing happened. Forget what I said. Y'know, my mouth sometimes says things before I know what I'm saying. Ehehe. Sometimes I think my mouth has a mind of its own, y'know, ehehe…."
Orochimaru blinked, vaguely feeling as if Naruto was holding something huge from him. Shaking his head in amusement, he said, "No matter. Naruto-kun, I am here to give you an offer. Should you accept, you will go to a place where you won't be despised for something you didn't do. One place where you get the respect you deserve, have anything you want in the world, be the hero you are, Naruto-kun."
Naruto didn't look convinced. So this creepy guy wanted to send him to Heaven? From what Naruto understood, going to Heaven required dying, and he was in no hurry to die. "Uhuh, yeah, like that place of yours gonna give me what I already have here? Not interested in dying, creepy pedo-face. I rather like my life, y'know." For a second, he thought he imagined Orochimaru's face twisting into anger before going back to an amused look.
He shook his head, as if chiding a particularly stubborn child. "You misunderstand, Naruto-kun. I am not referring to Heaven. I can make you powerful, I can make you become the person everyone will look up to, and I can give you anything you want in the world, if only you accept my offer."
Imagine Orochimaru's fury when he finished his mini-speech only to realize that Naruto was ignoring him and was setting up a telescope from a stash. "Are you even listening to me boy?!"
"Yeah yeah yeah, keep talking pedo-face. Imma just be over there, m'kay?" That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Orochimaru snarled in fury before slamming Naruto to the ground, feet on his throat. "You fool, you would have everything you wanted, a better life away from this place! And you have the galls to refuse me? That is fine by me." He removed his feet from Naruto's throat. "Just be aware, if you decide to seek me out, I will not be so lenient." Giving one last sneer, he vanished.
Naruto was shocked that someone dared to attack him. But slowly and surely he became angry. "He so did not do that. Orochimaru, eh? You are so dead." Somewhere else, the Snake Sannin felt an inexplicable shiver run up his spine, but ignored it.
The ANBU Commander groaned. He hated paperwork. Oh how he hated paperwork. So much paper, so much work. He had Uzumaki Naruto to thank for making his job go from simply stressful into something that threatened to cause throbbing migraines from the mere thought of it. He glared at one document in front of him.
It was yet another form requesting additional security, made by Morino Ibiki. Good god, his office was perhaps the second or third most secure room in the entire fucking country, and he wanted to add more security on it? How many times had he asked for more security in the past, eight or nine? Gah.
Oh, how he wished to deny this little form. Oh how he so wished, but knew that he couldn't. He couldn't afford to. If the Head of Torture and Interrogation decide not to do his job, or did it poorly because he felt insecure… He shivered. Well, there was no one alive who had similar skills in interrogation as Ibiki did. They were all, ironically enough, killed by Ibiki.
Gah. All this trouble and work over one little kid. Uzumaki Naruto. Oooh, how the Commander wished to wring his neck. That little piece of…! How was it possible that a kid, not even a teenager, could cause so much trouble with so little effort? Continuing to think black thoughts about our favorite civilian, he barely stopped himself from squealing like a girl when the object of his ire suddenly opened his office door, poked his head in and cheerily waved.
"Yo ANBU-san! You happen to have any cool mask like that one on your face?" Uzumaki Naruto had an innocent-as-a-kitten look on his face. It would've worked on anyone else, but it was not fooling the Commander, knowing the true depth of Naruto's depravity, seeing how the older man got stuck with the clean up duty.
Looking suspiciously at the kid, the Commander asked, "Why? What do you get out of it?" The boy looked hurt; eyes became unnaturally large and moist. The Commander had to hand it to the boy, he was a superb actor. "Is it so bad that I want to play with it for a little bit?" He sniffed. The man twitched in half annoyance and in half fear. He knew that if he refused to give the mask to Naruto, he would prank him.
And seeing first hand the brat's work – managing to reduce Morino Ibiki, one of the toughest, meanest person he knew, to foaming at the mouth and muttering incoherently with only a couple pranks, he had absolutely no desire to be pranked, no siree. But if he gave the mask to the brat, who knew what sort of ungodly trouble he would dig himself into?
He was between a rock and hard place. To be pranked, to not to be pranked? Decisions, decisions…
Oh! He could compromise of a sort, and keep himself knowledgeable of any pranks Naruto might pull in the future! Grinning behind his mask, he silently stuffed a tiny microphone into a groove of a small Jackal mask and handed it to Naruto. He silently indicated that Naruto could have the mask, provided that he did not give it to anyone else.
"Yatta! I won't disappoint, ANBU-san! Thank you!" Putting on his new mask, Naruto was gone.
After making sure Naruto was truly gone, the Commander hurriedly summoned almost every single available ANBU inside the HQ to convene in the assembly room #9 on level 9. While on the way, the Commander paused, thinking that the room and level number must've been a coincidence, but knowing his own luck, it probably wasn't. He knew things were going to hell in a hurry if he didn't do something about it soon.
Entering the assembly room, he sighed at the stupidity the ANBU members. They were all chatting with each other like some common academy students. Plugging his microphone receiver into the sound system, he yelled at the room, "I've finally managed to get a mic on the brat! Quiet!" The room became quiet as almost every ANBU member ceased their chatter and strained to listen to what Naruto said in hopes to keep up to-date about his activities.
Elsewhere, Naruto's eyes widened in unholy glee when he saw what the ANBU HQ held in their storage rooms. "Ooh! The Ultimate Superglue! Made by an Aburame too!"
The Commander, realizing the true scope of what he had just done, paled. He shouted to quell the panicked mutters that had risen after the brat's announcement, "Uzumaki is to be apprehended NOW! Alpha team! I want you at sub-level two looking in the storage! Beta team, level one! Gamma team, level four! Theta team, sub-level seven, section three! The rest of you, search every single goddamn hole in this goddamned building!"
The ANBU members quickly dispersed. The Commander raised a shaking hand to his head. Just what had he done?!
Ibiki was in his office, calming writing a report on the latest intelligence he had gathered. The sound of door opening and closing alerted him to an intruder; and a good one too if he/she could get past the security measures…
He clenched his hands and gritted his teeth when he realized who it was. Using his legendary self-control, he forced himself to deactivate the contact genjutsu he had unconsciously activated. It would do no good to terrify the brat, seeing how the brat might step up and start to prank him at every available opportunity, something he dearly wished to avoid.
Unfortunately, he couldn't quite control his teeth, as they were grinding each other with enough force to snap a high grade kunai like dry twig. He grated out, "What do you want?" The brat took no offense to the hostile question, grinning like a manic. This only served to heighten the already paranoid T&I boss's paranoia, and he started checking everything – while keeping the brat in view – for anything unusual.
"Yo Ibi old chum!" Naruto started to say, and Ibiki's legendary self-control was sorely, sorely tested as the older man struggled not to kill the brat. No one called him Ibi and lived to tell the tale – at least no one who wasn't named Uzumaki Naruto. Straining to put his hands on the desk, not on one of the many weapons he had hidden throughout his person, he bite off each words like they were physically assaulting him. "What do you want?"
"Well, Ibi," The scarred man twitched, face contorted into a terrible snarl that would've made experienced chuunins piss themselves in fear. "I was wondering where did this Orochi-fella lived, y'know, so I could, ah, pay him a visit, yeah."
He was so surprised that he dropped the kunai he had in his hand. Dimly wondering how the kunai got in his hand when both of his hands were on the desk, he forced himself to think. There was only one person he knew whose name began with Orochi, and it was worrying why the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki was wondering about the whereabouts of the S-class criminal and had to ask the only person in Konoha who actually knew where the criminal resided. "Why?"
"We-e-e-ell, if you must know, he was here today. Wanted me to join his pedo-club or something. I said screw it, so he threw a hussy fit and hit me. I tell you, no one hits me and gets away with it! No one!" If Ibiki had a scary look on his face earlier, then Uzumaki Naruto had a truly fearsome look – a look that would make one who knew what he was truly capable of piss and shit in their pants before running away, screaming the whole time.
Ibiki barely managed to stop himself from teleporting away, but it was such a close thing. He knew, oh, he just knew that if the brat's face was even slightly scarier, one measly iota scarier, then Ibiki would lock himself in the same mental institution as his prisoners and swallow the keys.
Summoning titanic self-control he didn't know he had, since the rest of his original self-control was busy making sure he didn't maim and/or kill, and forced himself to focus on the information the blond had imparted, focus on the info, not the face!
"So. You met Orochimaru the Snake Sannin. Today. In Konoha. He tried to recruit you, but you refused. He made you angry, and you want to pay him a visit?" Naruto cheerily nodded. "Well. I am sorry, but the location of Orochimaru's base is classified information. I don't give out classified information for free."
The brat pouted. Outwardly Ibiki calmly stared at the brat, but inwardly he was suffering a panic attack. Ooooh! Nothing good could come out of that! Why oh why didn't he just tell him the information?! He began to mentally compose his Last Will and Testament. I, Morino Ibiki, being of sound body and mind…
His mental composition was interrupted when the brat brightened considerably, inducting a second (inward) panic attack. "Hey hey! I got an idea! How 'bout this, you tell me where he is, and I won't prank your office for week!" Ibiki paused, surprised. He then pondered the issue. What the hell, that offer sounded damned good! But one week was too short…
"Two weeks." The brat looked like he was going to argue before Ibiki hastily continued, "Tell you what, if you find Orochimaru, you will have Hokage-sama's permission to prank on anyone even remotely related to Orochimaru!" The kid looked confused. He said, "Uuuh, why? Isn't he just one man?"
Ibiki smiled, the kid took the hook, line. Now he just had to sweeten the deal so the kid would sink. "Orochimaru is one man yes, but he has a lot of people working for him. Most of those people hate ramen with a passion, if they see any kind of ramen; they either burn it or throw it in trash!" Okay, he was lying his ass off, but at this point he would sell his own mother just to get a little bit of peace! Aaaah, how he wished for those golden years when Uzumaki wasn't born!
As for Naruto, he was incensed. They dare to defile ramen?! The heavenly food straight from God?! Blasphemy! Those… those sinners! They must be punished! In a far away place, the entire Oto population felt an ominous feeling, as if the wrath of God was coming, and it was going to hit them hard! They shivered.
Back to Konoha, a pissed off Naruto said, "I'll do you one better. I'll give you three weeks, if you tell me who works for Orochi-bastard!" Ibiki mentally cheered. This was even better than he dared to hope! Three weeks of precious peace! Three weeks of no pranks, no headaches, no nothing!
His smile was so terrifying that even experienced jounins would faint upon seeing it. Opening a drawer, the scarred man took out a thick folder.
The Commander was currently suffering a mental breakdown. Apparently the brat had discarded the mask after making that terrifying statement, and it was found in his office. The ANBUs had searched the entire building more than three times, but predictably, they didn't find him.
A gigantic headache was currently besieging his mind, making him twitch. It had been a while since the brat picked up the superglue – it was from the sub-level seven section three storage room, the area reserved for experimental items – and he had yet to prank anyone. This… this silence before the storm scared him.
Dragging his feet to the Hokage's office, he silently moaned in pain. Maybe it's time to retire? God knows how much he suffered for the sake of his country! He should retire, and move to a place far, far away from the brat! Somewhere like Iwa or Kumo… At least dealing with those guys was a lot easier than dealing with the brat from hell! All he had to do was to kill them!
Entering the office, he plopped ungracefully on the couch. He unhappily explained the situation to the Sandaime before unsealing a 100 proof vodka bottle and began to drink straight from it. Cursing his high alcohol tolerance, he looked up to see an unusual situation.
Morino Ibiki strode into Sarutobi's office, and was that a giddy look on his face? The Commander stared at Ibiki's face before looking at the bottle of vodka. Perhaps the vodka was stronger than he anticipated or he was hallucinating, but a giddy Ibiki was simply wrong on so many levels that it defied belief.
"The Brat is gone!" Ibiki happily announced. Sarutobi jumped up, a look of anger on his face. "Ibiki! Did you…" The torture specialist silenced the Professor before snatching the vodka from the Commander's hand and chugging it. "Nah, he's gone to bother Orochimaru! Here's the situation…"
A short moment later, all three men had their own bottles of vodka out and clinked bottles together in a toast. "To three weeks of peace!"
Tayuya woke up. She jumped up, confused. The last thing she remembered going to bed, being extremely tired… It was obvious that she was poisoned and put somewhere, but why? She didn't have any sensitive information, and she rarely 'guarded' Orochimaru – he could take care of himself. She took stock of her surroundings. Apparently she was in a deep well of a sort and was wearing an extremely thin piece of shirt and pant.
No matter, she could get out; she was a kunoichi after all. Applying chakra to her arms and legs, she tried to climb, but utterly failed. Uh? She hadn't heard of chakra resistant dirt, so perhaps it was Iwa-nins?
"Hello? Is anyone here?" She called out, wishing to know who held her. Suddenly the outline of a young boy with spiky hair popped at the top of the well. "So. Is it awake? Is it time for it's lotion?"
"WHAT?!" Tayuya yelled, incensed. "Once I get out of this damned place, I'll rip out your balls and shove 'em so far up your ass that you'll taste it, fucktard!" The outline shook his head, apparently amused. "It should not curse so much. It is time for it's lotion!"
The outline disappeared for a short while, before appearing. He held a basket with a shining light bulb at the handle of the basket. Oddly enough, the bright light bulb did not illuminate the outline's face. If anything, his face became darker.
The outline lowered the basket into the well. When the basket was at Tayuya's level, she took the opportunity to jump and catch the rope so she could climb up. However, her escape plan caught a snag when she found out that the rope had electricity currents running through it, shocking her.
Muttering incoherently, she glared at the outline. The outline said in a creepy voice, "It rubs the lotion or it gets the hose!" Tayuya's fury rose again. "Hey, fuck you and fuck your lotion! I aint rubbing anything!"
The creepy voice was repeated in a louder tone, "It rubs the lotion or it gets the hose!" Rubbing her hands, she glared. "What are you, retarded? I told you I aint touching your fucking lotion!"
"IT rubs the lotion or IT gets the HOSE!"
Tayuya didn't bother to answer back. Apparently the outline was simply retarded. If he wanted her to rub the lotion, he had to come down, and she could simply kick his ass! The outline disappeared for a short while, before reappearing.
A torrent of freezing water hit her, making her shriek in surprise. "It rubs the lotion or it gets the hose!" The creepy voice repeated. "Hey you asshole! When I'll get…" She shrieked again when the freezing water hit her again. Now shivering, she glared at the outline.
"Not gonna do it. Do it yourself, fucktard." She sullenly said. The outline shrugged, before disappearing again. Tayuya heard a scraping sound, as if something heavy was dragged on the ground. The hole at the top was partially filled, and Tayuya's fear rose when she realized what it was.
The object that was now hanging over the well was rectangular, with a series of fans pointing at her. She definitely knew what that object was, since she had a couple missions to buy that object and bring it to Oto. It was the engine of an industrial freezer, typically used to keep the temperature of entire rooms below zero, and the business ends of fans were pointing at her.
The light bulb dimmed a bit as the industrial engine spluttered and hummed to life, fans spinning rapidly. Soon she was shivering and her teeth were chattering violently as glacial winds filled the well. She wasn't reassured when the water pooled at her bare feet began to freeze, cracking whenever she moved her feet.
"Will it now rub its lotion, or will I have to turn the fans to maximum capacity?" The creepy voice returned. "Allright, allright! I'll use your precious lotion, damnit! Just turn off that fucking thing!"
However, Tayuya failed to notice that the outline did not tell her what the lotion did. Her eyes widened in horror when she realized that the lotion was the opposite of anti-wrinkling cream as it made her rather flawless skin wrinkle like she had aged fifty years.
Jirobo groaned as he slowly woke up. He blearily blinked when he realized that he was on a chair and was restrained. Grunting, he attempted to free himself, but was unable to. Realizing that he was captured and put in a cell of a sort, he shrugged before checking his surrounding. There was nothing he could see, as darkness seemed to surround him. Only the area around him was illuminated.
He hadn't looked around long enough when he heard a scraping and squeaking sound. In the darkness beyond, a doll on tricycle pedaled into view. The tricycle was red, while the doll was wearing a black three piece suit. His face was ugly, with white skin, large cheeks, totally black eyes with red circle inside, and twin spiral on each side of cheeks.
Jirobo blinked in surprise. What the hell was this? As if to answer his question, the doll spoke in a creepy voice that the devil would be proud of, "Hello Jirobo. In your life, you ate food simply for the sake of eating, barely tasting it. You do not understand the exotic taste of the various foods you devour, only interested in filling up that stomach of yours. It is sad indeed, that the person who eats so much does not taste them."
The doll shook his head, as if bemused. "I want to play a game. You will see in front of you a large TV, along with various loudspeakers around you. You must watch the video, which by the way is shown in high definition, and at the end of the video, your hands will unbound. Then you will have to stop yourself from eating the food that will appear in front of you. If you did not touch the food at the end of 72 hours, all binds holding you will release themselves, freeing you.
"However, if you do touch the food, then you will be locked in this room forever, with food commercials as your only companion. Let the games begin."
As the doll spoke, lights began to turn on, illuminating a huge high definition TV along with multiple high quality speakers strategically positioned around him. After the doll stopped speaking, he somehow pedaled himself back into darkness, signaling the beginning of the video.
The TV showed static for a while, before solidifying into a clear and crisp video. A model walked toward the camera, holding a tray of delicious looking cake. The camera slowly zoomed toward the cake, showing the delicious looking sweet in all of its high definition glory. The model then slowly but surely cut the cake, and slowly brought the cake piece toward her mouth, savoring the taste.
After finishing the cake piece, the model walked out of view. Another model walked into view, holding a tray of French Truffle. She then picked up one truffle, slowly bringing it up to her mouth and bite off a small piece of it. The sound of truffle being crunched was audible through the speakers surrounding Jirobo.
He twitched every time he heard the crunching, and bit off his moan when he saw the fattest, greasiest and tastiest looking cheeseburger he had ever seen in his life (which was saying quite a bit) fill up the TV screen. He groaned when he saw a model pick up the heavenly food before slowly biting it, a dreamy look of relish on her face.
He twitched, moaned and generally suffered in silence as the video showed him food after delectable food, models biting it in delight, all in High Definition glory and with accompanying high quality Dolby Surround Sound. When the video ended, he was so hungry that he would've happily gnawed through solid concrete just for a little bit of food.
He heard a double click, and his hands became free. Suddenly a tray holding the most delectable, delicious looking selection of foods he had ever seen in his life was brought within his reach. His hand had barely started to reach toward the tray before the TV started to play a video.
The video showed a close up look of the creepy doll from earlier. The doll said in a creepy voice, "do not touch the food for 72 hours, and you will be free. touch the food, and be locked forever in this room with the food commercials as your only companion!" The doll's cackles echoed throughout the room as the video faded, only to be replaced with food commercials.
"Serving you only the best… Come to KFC for the best fried food! –static– Don't bother me. I'm eating. Carl's Jr. –static– Out of ideas? Want great food? Come to Chili's! –static– Now serving…"
Kidomaru groaned when he woke up. Picking himself off the ground, he looked around. Apparently he was near a lake of a sort, and he could see multiple barrels floating near the lake. All of barrels had an odd symbol stamped on them, some sort of three thick lines in a circle, and a smaller circle was at the center of the three thick lines. Under the symbol he could barely make out the word, 'Radioactive'. "The hell is radioactive? Actually, where the hell I am? Time to find out."
Kidomaru attempted to cast a specific jutsu that was related to his spider clan that would tell him his approximate location, but he was shocked when his jutsu failed. He tried nearly all jutsu he knew, but they all failed. Wondering what the hell was going on; he attempted to jump on the roof of a nearby shack, but stumbled when his face hit the wall of the shack with a resounding smack.
"The hell? It's like I've been turned into a civilian… How is this possible?" He shrugged, if whoever had him captive would've killed him on the spot, so maybe he was put here for a reason? Shrugging, he walked toward a large building he could see in the distance.
When he was close, he realized that the building was some sort of a mall, far larger than anything he had seen. Entering the mall, he was surprised to see the place deserted. Picking a direction, he walked pointlessly until he heard an ominous sound behind him. Whirling around, he paled to see the largest spider he had ever seen in his life (and that was saying quite a bit, seeing how he owned a spider summoning contract) clicking her pincers.
Paling even further when he noticed the distinctive red hourglass marking on the bottom of her impossibly large stomach, he slowly backed away. "Nice spidy, nice spidy, who's a nice girl? Yes, you are! You're so nice that you won't eat me? Ehehe… I hope." The last bit was mumbled, barely louder than a whisper. The large Black Widow advanced menacing on him with the obvious intention of eating him.
"Hey you! Catch this!" A female voice yelled. Kidomaru turned in surprise – while keeping the obviously hungry Black Widow in view – and caught a packet of instant ramen cup. What surprised him the most was the fact that the Black Widow stopped moving when she saw the instant noodle in Kidomaru's hand.
What the hell was going on? "Uuuh, here?" He proffered the instant noodle toward the Black Widow, and to his surprise, the huge spider backed off. He stepped forward, the spider stepped backward. Suddenly the spider turned around and ran away. Kidomaru turned around to his savior, and his eyes bugged out at the sight that greeted him.
The woman who saved him was a first class hottie, with curves in all the right places and low cut clothes that revealed a generous amount of skin. What surprised him was the fact that she had attached multiple packages of instant ramen cups all over her body, as if to ward off an indescribable evil.
"Hi, my name is Naruko! You must be new here, if you didn't know that spiders are scared of instant noodles! You were lucky you know… What's your name?" She said cheerily, as if scaring off a nine foot tall spider was normal.
"Buh-buh, eh, um, er!" Kidomaru could only stare in admiration, his mind far too busy enjoying the view to give a proper answer. Naruko only sighed in annoyance. "Everyone I save is like that… Just what is wrong with me?!" She wailed in despair.
Kidomaru's mind finally caught up to the present, and he hastily said, "Nothing is wrong with you, my lovely Naruko! It's just that your radiant beauty had stunned me into silence! My name is Kidomaru, and I humbly bow to your breas—um, beauty! I thank you very much for saving me!" If Kidomaru was anything, he was a smooth talker.
Naruko blushed prettily before batting her eyelashes. "Oh really, you think so? Thank you Kidomaru-kun! Now come! We still are not safe!"
—A few weeks later—
Kidomaru had fallen madly in love with Naruko, and his smooth talking ways had ensured that Naruko fell in love with him as well. They were in a bedroom, finally starting to engage into the ages old games of couples everywhere. Kidomaru's eyes were shining in lust as Naruko slowly removed the ever present ramen packages from her lovely body.
She had finally removed all ramen packages, and was slowly removing her shirt that was covering her impressive bust before out of nowhere, a huge spider burst into the room, grabbed Naruko by her neck before hightailing out of there.
"Narukoooooooooooooooooooo!" Kidomaru screamed. He wallowed in grief for a while before hardening his resolve. "I will start a campaign to kill all the spiders even if it kills me! They must die for taking my lovely Naruko!" Picking up the instant ramen packages Naruko had dropped, he walked out of the bedroom.
—A few weeks later—
The bodies of fallen spiders littered the area as Kidomaru stalked toward the Queen of Spiders, a massive spider even by this world's standard. Towering over him, the Queen spoke in a gravelly voice, "So, Kidomaru of the Spider clan! You have come to avenge your fallen love, killing many of my children in the process! Let me tell you, I am nothing like—urk!"
While the Queen of Spiders was droning, Kidomaru picked up a pot from his bag, poured water over it and put the pot over a fire. While the water was slowly boiling, he picked up two of the instant ramen package that he had attached to himself, opened the packaging and deposited the stiff noodles into the pot of boiling water.
After the ramen became smooth, he picked up the pot and threw the contents on the Spider Queen's face. She screeched in pain, her pincers and legs trying in vain to scrape off the boiling ramen. Kidomaru repeated this process eight more times until the Spider Queen fell over, dead.
Walking past the dead Spider Queen, he noticed a human shaped wrapping at the far end of the carven. Rushing toward it, he cut off the top to reveal the face of Naruko, obviously dead.
Sakon groaned in pain. He heard an answering groan. He groggily got up, and was surprised to see his brother Ukon picking himself off the ground. "Ooooh… You get the license plate of the shinobi who hit us?" Ukon groaned, rubbing his body.
Sakon blinked. "Idiot, don't you mean hiate-us?" His brother shrugged, as if to say whatever. "Where the hell are we now? And why are we separate?" Ukon asked, slowly becoming alert. The room they were in looked as if it came straight out of a top rated horror movie, with creaking doors, holes in walls, random blood splatters and a occasional human skull here and there, the whole works.
"Uuuh, bro, remember that movie, the one with the chainsaw maniac? This area looks kinda like that…" Sakon blinked while looking around. Ukon had recovered, and was also looking around. "You mean that one where you squealed like a five year old when the scary parts showed? —slap!— Hey!"
Ukon whined when Sakon slapped the back of his brother's head. "You promised not to mention it anymore!" He hissed. Ukon rubbed the back of his head, "Okay okay… pussy." The last part was whispered. Sakon heard it anyway, and swung his hand again. Ukon ducked, laughing. "HAH! Missed! Pussy pussy! Scaredy c-urk!"
Sakon gripped his brother's head, hand covering his mouth. "Ssssh! I heard something! You idiot, you attracted the attention of whoever it was with all that racket you made! Now com'on, and don't make any noise like an idiot!" He hotly whispered, before releasing Ukon. Ukon rubbed his mouth, unable to resist. He whispered, "Pussy!"
Smack! Sakon glared at his brother before bringing up a finger to his mouth. Suddenly Ukon heard what Sakon had been hearing all along, ominous sounding footsteps. It was heavy, slow and measured, stopping only when it was directly ahead of the two brothers.
The two brothers stared at each other warily, because the space between the brothers and the footstep was occupied by a wooden wall. Suddenly they heard the sound of a small diesel engine spluttering to life, and by the sounds of it, it needed a hand crank to turn on. The engine finally turned on, humming to life.
Suddenly the wall before them crumbled and splintered as the head of a dull brown chainsaw pierced through the flimsy wood. Sakon and Ukon screamed in fright when they noticed the person behind the chainsaw – he was heavily built, wore a farmer's overall and had a hockey mask on. The part that scared them was the fact that the person had blood splattered all over his clothes and especially over his white hockey mask. The dull brown crusting on the humming chainsaw turned out to be dried blood.
The brothers turned around and jumped through one of the holes in the wall, forgetting that they were capable shinobis.
"AAAIIIEEEEE!!! HELP MEEEEEEE!"
Orochimaru suddenly woke up, knowing for a fact that there was an intruder in his office. Rising gracefully from his bed, he strode to the door connecting his bedroom to his office and opened the door.
He was surprised to see Uzumaki Naruto tinkering with a projector, which was hooked to a DVD player. One side of his spacious office had become bare, the entire wall reserved for the projector. Orochimaru knew for a fact that his office did not have a projector or a DVD player, since those were reserved for mission briefing rooms.
But the fact remained that they were there and Naruto was sticking wires in them. "What are you doing?" Orochimaru asked in a calm voice. He was in fact anything but calm, as his eyes attested to that fact. Kyuubi brat or not, the Sannin did not take kindly to intruders.
Instead of jumping in fright, as Orochimaru had hoped, the blasted boy merely spared him a glance as he continued to work on the projector. "Yo Orchy-chan! I hope you don't mind if I redecorate your office!"
Oh yes, Orochimaru did mind. He minded greately, especially to Orchy-chan. The last person to call him Orchy-chan still hasn't recovered from his injuries.
In a far away place, Jiraiya winced as his manhood pulsed in pain, as if remembering an old pain. He grimaced, recalling his second worst mistake he had made in his life – calling Orochimaru Orchy-chan. His first mistake was that he didn't lose his virginity before losing his manhood. He silently cursed Orochimaru.
"Do you even know who I am?" He said in a calm tone. Naruto cheerily nodded, saying, "Yah, you're Orchy-chan the Pedophile Sannin! Ah ah ah!" He wagged his finger when Orochimaru raised a kunai with a murderous look, "Do me a little favor and look at your chest, eh, Orchy-chan! Fufufufuu…"
The newly dubbed Orchy-chan snarled before looking at his chest. His eyes widened in horror at seeing what was on his chest. This was… this was…! This was the original explosion tag! Where the hell did the brat get his hand on an original explosion tag!
A lesson in history is in order for our lovable readers: ordinary explosion tags that shinobi use in their everyday tasks was actually an extremely watered down version of the original explosion tag. They were so heavily watered down to the point that the explosion and the ensuing chaos were easily manageable.
The original explosion tag had the power to alter the geography on an international scale – they were a geologist's worst nightmare, because in the old times whenever an original explosion tag went off, international maps had to be redrawn.
Back to the story. Orochimaru was now sweating heavily, wondering how the hell he did not notice the sannin level chakra stored within the explosion tag. It was obvious to him that the tag on his chest was unstable, and if the Snake Sannin molded even a little bit of chakra, the blasted tag would go off.
He knew that he would be considered lucky if the explosion tag simply incinerated him, but chances were that the explosion tag would simply blast Rice Country off the face of earth. Clenching his suddenly cold and sweating hands, he barely managed not to squeak out, "What do you want?"
Naruto finished whatever he was doing with the projector and stood up, smirking. "Oh, nothing Orchy-chan! I just want you to sit on this lovely chair, that's all."
The S-class criminal looked at the chair, recognizing it as the standard interrogation chair with the standard chakra inhibiting seals and manacles. Under any other circumstance, Orochimaru could've easily gotten out of the chair, but this wasn't a normal situation. Getting out required using chakra, and he had absolutely no wish to die.
Having no choice (actually he did, but he didn't rather enjoy the thoughts of blowing himself into a gazillion pieces, so that point was rather moot), he sat down, feeling the seals kick in and the manacles attach themselves to his arms and legs. Naruto picked up a superglue from a bag and started gluing Orochimaru's arms, legs and his back to the chair. "Just a precaution, y'know…" The brat indicated the superglue in his hand, "This baby is handmade by an Aburame, the ultimate superglue! Fufufufu…!"
The Snake Sannin gritted his teeth in anger, but was helpless to try anything, les he blow himself up. The brat walked around him, vaguely indicating to the projector and the speakers surrounding Orochimaru, "Well Orchy-chan, this badass projector projects 200 inch of videos in super high definition glory! Witness the top of the line surround sound speaker systems!
"Now, this badass projector will play through a whole series of shows. At the end if the show, that tag will disable itself. You following me so far?"
Now really having no choice, Orochimaru nodded, his eyes promising retribution. Naruto then grinned. That grin was so devilish, so evil and mischievous that Orochimaru was humbled. Finally he had met someone far more evil than he was.
"I've already set the video to play the show in a couple of seconds." The brat turned to walk out of the office. Just before he closed the door, the timer on the DVD player showed 0:09. He said a sentence that struck true fear into the bound man before disappearing.
"May God have mercy on your soul!"
Orochimaru looked at the ultra high definition projector in despair. The timer on the DVD player slowly ticked down. The projector turned on when the timer reached zero, showing static, as if it was going to play a horror movie like the Ring.
"Hello kids! Welcome to the Barney the Purple Dinosaur's show! Today, we will sing a song! Today is Monday, Tomorrow is Tuesday…!"
Orochimaru's agonized screams were audible for many miles.
The recruiter was giving a tour of the Oto to the group of missing-nins, "While it is true that we're a relatively new power, we have everything! Over there, we have the top of the line hospital, there is the Shinobi Academy, and over there is the residential area! If you guys join Oto, the pay will be very good, you will not be hounded by Hunter nins, and…"
He was interrupted when the sound of Orochimaru's agonized screams reached the group. The group of missing-nins looked at each other in slight fear before one of the missing-nin stepped forward. He was a chuunin from Iwa, by the looks of it. "Erm, while this is all nice and everything, but we've decided that we like being free, y'know? So, erm. Could you please show us the door?"
The recruiter looked in horror as the group of missing-nins nodded, agreeing with the chuunin missing-nin. Just how things had gotten so bad that not even missing-nins wanted to join Oto?!
"Wait. So you don't want to attack Konoha directly? You just want the Brat?"
Itachi nodded, "That is correct, we're here for the Yondaime's legacy."
The group of gathered jounins blinked, before relaxing. The chuunin guarding the gate came forward, "Can I see your passports?"
Itachi and Kisame shared a look before shrugging. After handing their passports to the chuunin, he stamped a couple of pages and gave back the passports to the S-class criminals.
"Welcome to Konoha, Uchiha-san, Hoshigaki-san. Please do not damage any property while in Konoha, as the damage will be billed to you. Have a nice day."
So. Another chapter.
ISO: A japanese translation of Hand of God no jutsu. Someone out there please help!
Like it? Hate it? Have any great ideas? Have comments? Constructive Comments?
I'll be happy to read all of 'em!
Let The Games Begin.