(A/N- I, VG, am completely revamping most of
the stories under this name, as I'm in 11th/12th grade and really, really
cringe to see some of my old writing. Well, I'll try to salvage! I hope you all
enjoy... I don't think there are enough of these wacked-out
humor stories in this category!) FYI- This is pre-Order of Phoenix!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated to HP, so don't sue me... and if you thought I did, I'd recommend scheduling your yearly appointment early!
Chapter One: Panic in PotionsHarry felt himself drifting off again to the sound of one of Snape's famous lectures on tardiness or something that Harry didn't really care about. Fortunately, before Snape's piercing gaze got to Harry, Hermione dug her elbow into his rib.
" Harry, don't fall asleep; you're going to miss what we have to do. Don't count on me bailing you out all the time!" Hermione whispered in her most exasperated tone of voice.
Harry and Ron seemed to be equally "interested" in Hermione's lecture
as Snape's, and both of their heads began to sink
toward their desks.
"They shouldn't have Potions first class of the day, 'Mione..." Harry muttered through a wide yawn.
"Yeah, I'm with Harry on this one." Ron mumbled through his arms, where he was "resting" his head.
Hermione sighed sharply, and resisted the urge to slap the two awake.
"You know," she began in that tone of voice, "If we mess up, you two are to blame--."
Snape, however, interrupted the beginnings of another lecture with a proclamation
of doom, which he seemed to be directing gloatingly to the three Gryffidors in the back-most row.
"Now, get to it. It counts for a test grade. And Harry, Hermione, and Ron: five points from Gryffindor each for talking."
Hermione hit her head on the table in frustration for her loss of points. Ron and Harry seemed less upset, but saved their favorite brain from losing a few more cells by seizing Hermione by the arms and pulling her away from the table. In the front row, Draco sniggered in his most condescending way and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'filthy know-it-all-mudblood', and it was Hermione's turn to restrain the two raucous boys, stifling a yawn as she did. Soon, however, an impatient sigh from Hermione brought them out of their rantings, lest she start another lecture.
"So, Hermione, what are we supposed to do again?" Ron said with a sheepish grin.
"I told you so. Well, if YOU would have been paying attention, YOU would have known."
"Come on, Hermione," Harry moaned placating, "it counts for a TEST grade. Please tell us?"
Hermione's eyes widened in panic and her voice came out breathier than
"That might not have been a problem if I actually heard what he said!"
"Meh..." Ron said nonchalantly, "Well, there go our grades, Harry. Always knew I'd fail Potions... no big loss. Snape'd probably find a way to fail us anyways..."
Harry nodded and tried to settle himself back into a comfortable
position, which proved almost impossible with Hermione panicking beside him.
Without much interest, he raised his head and listened with half an ear to what
she said, though he already knew what was coming.
"What will I do? I'll FAIL a test! Do you understand the gravity of that????"
"Hermione, it's just one grade." He responded groggily, "Don't worry... Snape can't possibly fail you, no matter how much he probably wants to. All your potions are perfect... one won't hurt."
"But-- It's a hundred points! One. Hun. dred."
Ron looked up from the speck of dust he'd been studying to grimace at
her in mock-disgust and shrug.
"Well, we could always guess on it..."
Hermione rolled her eyes, looked around the room frantically, and began
paging through the book. Harry and Ron rolled their eyes too, but for a very
different reason. Knowing they wouldn't get any rest in while Hermione was in
danger of failing a test score, they shot out more suggestions, knowing that
none of them would satisfy her.
"Why don't we just ask someone?" Harry sighed, looking wistfully at Neville, Seamus, and Dean's group, who had at least started something… though Harry wasn't entirely sure that the potion was supposed to be trying to crawl out of the cauldron.
"That would be cheating! I am NOT cheating."
Ron and Harry exchanged glances and sighed.
"For the love of peach fuzz, Hermione... It's too bloody early for this." Ron groaned, "This is our vegetative period. If we don't get into a trance-stage early on, Snape's complaining might actually affect us."
"Most of your classes are vegetative for you two. And Ron...where on Earth did you learn that saying???" She snickered before returning to the book.
"Awww, shut up..."
They exchanged almost-bickering glances, and Harry intervened before Snape could take off any more points and Hermione lost any
more brain cells.
"Well, what do you suggest if we can't ask, then?"
This was obviously the wrong question, for Hermione's eyes darted
around in renewed panic, and she buried her head in her arms. Ron gave him a
why'd-you-g-and-do-that look, and Snape looked
positively hawk-like, as they hadn't even started brewing anything remotely
resembled a potion yet.
"Umm, I think he said something about the second spell on two hundred ten..." Hermione said, snapping her head up and rifling through the pages of the textbook for about the third time in five minutes.
"And that spell would be...?"
"Oh, look for yourself, Ron." she snapped, "Don't you have eyes?"
She slid her book over to him and watched in a tug-of-war between
mortification and satisfaction as he skimmed the page.
"Ok." Harry grinned, "See, everything's just fine, and we aren't even going to flunk! Hermione saves the day again; she's never messed a potion up!"
"OH NO, everything is NOT ok... I'm not doing THAT!" Ron said, a bit too loudly, causing quiet snickers from the Slytherin tables and sympathetic looks from the Gryffindors.
"How bad could it be?" Harry muttered, slightly disgruntled as his prospect of a restful Potions period shattered.
" Look." Hermione commanded bossily, a blush spreading to her cheeks as she shoved the book to Harry in turn.
Harry ogled the page in disbelief. It didn't seem possible for even Snape to be this evil. The illustrations on the page alone were enough to give him nightmares for weeks… upon weeks…
"No getting around it." Hermione said, with a hint of pleading in her voice, "So... who's going to do it with me? I'm sure Snape wouldn't assign it if he didn't have the antidote."
"Count me out!" Ron said, his eyes going wild. "I'd never hear the end of it from Fred and George."
Faced with a prospect worse than facing Voldemort any number of times or being trampled by rabid hippogriffs, Harry paled and quivered.
'Please, Lord,' he thought, 'if you could just say that it isn't so... I'd pray every night, floss, forgive the Dursleys', ignore Draco... anything!'
"But-- I'd be in a girl's body!" He whispered with a blush.
"AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?" Hermione hissed under her breath, glaring daggers at Harry.
"Well, considering I'm a guy..."
Harry was obviously a hard nut to crack, so Hermione knew that she had no choice but to employ a tactic that has worked for countless women who wanted to manipulate men over the years. Hermione dealt the lowest blow she could: she widened her eyes, batted her eyelashes, and pouted prettily.
"It will only be for a couple of minutes... please, Harry?" She sighed in a wistful voice.
"Ten points off Gryffindor for excessive noise during testing." Snape glared, finally pushed over the edge by the incessant talking from the table.
Hermione pouted and glared ever-so-slightly at Snape for breaking her "spell". Persuading Harry would take more than that: it would take ruthlessness. Thus, she took a page from Dobby's book and began to pound her head on the desk again, fake tears brimming in her eyes.
"I'm ruined." She sniffled despairingly as Harry and Ron rescued her from concussion yet again.
"Fine, Hermione, I'll do it!" Harry sighed, and Hermione beamed at him
"You know..." Ron mused, "hitting your head is self-abuse if it's on purpose."
Hermione glared though
her "tears" at her second obstacle and sniffled piteously.
"Just shut up and let me concentrate on the ingredients-- that is, unless YOU want to do it." She snarled.
"I'll go with the shutting up." Ron blurted immediately, leaving Harry to his all-but-death sentence.