Hello again! So glad you could make it to my very first Marauder
story. (*PezMaster is grinning like a manic*) I've got to let you know right
now that this is probably going to be my last "humorous story" until
I get my pride and joy: 'Harry Potter and the Gem of Grogonous' posted. (Look
for it now!) In the mean while, I have complete faith in this Marauders fic. Everyone I gave it to laughed so hard they peed their pants. (Which, I think, is a
good thing.) Let's hope you enjoy it as much as they did!
A/N: I do not own anything. But if I did, oh man, would I be loaded . . . Then I'd spend my free time going to fast-food places and laughing at the people and their minimum wage jobs. MUHAHAHAH! (Er . . . never mind . . .)
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'Er . . . Your pink slip is showing . . .'
"You know, just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse - - this thing pops up and bites me on the arse."
"Stop being so melodramatic, Sirius. It's not all that bad."
"Not that bad? Not that bad?! This would be the equivalent of slathering yourself in Spam and running nilly-willy through the Forbidden Forest."
"Funny, I always thought you enjoyed dressing yourself in lunchmeat . . ."
"Go kick off, Moony."
Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry was, as always, brimming with overenthusiastic students gabbing with each other haphazardly about one thing or another. The Great Hall was the centre of the bustle, harbouring a large crowd by the entrance hall next to one of the marble staircases. The four Marauders; James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew; were around the outskirts of this throng, each one glaring intently at a neon pink announcement sheet which hung proudly on a tall, limestone pillar.
"It's just the Halloween ball, Sirius," said Peter, scratching the back of his head carelessly. "We've all gone to it before."
"Maybe you lot like getting all dolled up for a night of utter pratness," Sirius snapped, "but I don't."
"We hardly get 'dolled up', Sirius," Remus commented almost lazily. "Remember that James is the boy who considers his month old, unwashed Quidditch robes as formal attire."
Instead of serving Remus a snappy comeback, James said absolutely nothing. His eyes were glazed as thickly as an Italian wedding cake, making it look as though he was held in a thick trance.
"Heeellllllooooo . . . Earth to Prongsey," Sirius waved a hand centimetres away from his friend's nose. "Remus gave you a verbal slap in the face. Are you just going to stand there and take it?"
James continued to stare blankly at the neon poster, completely ignoring Sirius. He did, however, allow one word: "Lily . . ."
"Oh God. Now you're really off your onion," Sirius arched an eyebrow, quite suspicious of his friend's mental state for the time being. "I'm your best mate, Sirius; not your bloody girlfriend. Remember?"
"I don't know, Padfoot," Remus smirked. "You are much more feminine then the rest—"
James finally snapped out of his hypnotized state before Remus had a chance to insult Sirius any further. "No. Lily . . . When Lily sees this poster, she's going to want me to go with her. And, you know me; I'd rather choke myself with a spoon then go to another boring ball."
"You're so romantic," Remus commented sarcastically. "Honestly, I don't know why Lily puts up with you."
"She doesn't," Peter put in, snickering to himself. "Remember that incident with James and that blonde from Ravenclaw?"
James shot Peter an uncharacteristic glare, making him recoil.
"Don't mind the common folk, Jim," said Sirius as he pulled the pink Halloween Ball poster off the pillar. "We'll help you ditch this ball thing."
Simultaneously, the Marauders all slowly turned around to find the red-haired Lily Evans. With her hands on her hips and an inquisitive look on her face, she glanced down at the neon announcement sheet in Sirius' possession.
"What are you four hiding?" Lily asked.
"Lil," Sirius let out an extremely fake chortle while trying to look as innocent as possible. "What makes you think we're hiding something?"
"Well, that's fine with me if you want to play innocent," Lily replied, slowing making a grab for the pink sheet in Sirius' hands. "I guess you won't mind me seeing what that is--"
Sirius, suddenly realising what he was holding, quickly shoved the evidence into Remus' arms. Remus handed the poster to Peter, who gave it to James. James, not knowing what on earth to do with the bright pink sign, absentmindedly stuffed it down his pants.
"Er . . . it's nothing," A sheepish grin spread across James' face. "Absolutely nothing at all."
"Then why did you just put it down your trousers?" pressed Lily, crossing her arms impatiently.
"He . . . erm, really likes the feel of cardboard?" suggested Sirius.
A wholesomely disgusted look crossed over Lily's face. "Fine then," she said. "I'll just forget the whole thing before you all drive me starkers."
"I recommend it," said Remus.
Lily rolled her eyes with complete frustration, as she always did when dealing with the four boys. She then casually walked up to James, grabbed his nose, and pulled him down to her height. "You owe me an explanation later," she commented darkly.
"Erm . . .'k," said James, completely wide-eyed.
When Lily had finally disappeared into the Entrance Hall and out of ear-shot, Sirius started to shake his head in complete revulsion.
"Well," he said, "now we all know who wears the trousers in that relationship."
James raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Sorry Jimmy-boy, I just call 'em as I see 'em," Sirius shrugged half-heartily. "And, right now, your girlfriend is starting to resemble a supreme dictator."
"That's not true." James looked quite taken aback.
"Complete and utter apologies, my dear Prongs," Sirius continued to remark, "but she's queen of Mister Quidditch."
"Princess of Prongs," Peter put in.
"Empress of Jamesey Land," Remus added, smiling slyly.
Sirius couldn't contain himself: "Ruler of your a--"
"That's enough!" James snapped, interrupting Sirius' rude comment. "I've got the idea." He started rubbing his temples and pace back and forth across the floor, as he always did when deep under pressure. "But, what do you expect me to do? Hide every time she walks by?"
"No, that's what Peter would do," Sirius smirked, causally rubbing the back of his head.
"Just tell Lily that you don't want to go to the Halloween ball," suggested Peter, who pasted a glare in Sirius' direction.
"Or, just don't tell her at all," commented Remus, who bent down to sort through his pack for something.
"What do you mean?" asked James.
Remus looked up from his bag. "Don't tell Lily about the ball. What she doesn't know can't hurt you."
Sirius smiled, clearly impressed. "For once I think Moony's got the right deviously good idea. Hell must be freezing over as we speak . . ."
James snorted thickly, not believing what he was hearing. "You two are entirely off your onions. Don't you realise that Lily will eventually find out? I mean, the Halloween ball isn't exactly top secret."
"Er . . . he's got a good point there," said Peter, looking at Sirius and Remus for more ideas.
Remus was the first to speak up. "Fine then . . . just dodge Lily for now until we can think of a better plan and-"
But before he could finish, the bell sounded, echoing loudly through the halls to signal the start of classes. Without thinking twice about it, James grabbed his pack and started heading out of the Great Hall. Making a wild grab, Sirius caught him on the shoulder before he could leave.
"Woah turbo," Sirius exclaimed, pulling James back to the other Marauders. "And just were do you think you're going?"
"I'm going to walk Lily to Herbology, like I've always done for the past five years." James explained, looking at Sirius as if he was the slowest person on earth.
"Oh bloody hell, Jim. Haven't you heard a word we said?" Sirius rapped his knuckles on the top of James' head.
"Yes, I have," James snapped back. "Unlike you, I listen."
Sirius sent his friend a deathlike glare. James shot one right back at him. Before any 'Padfoot vs. Prongs' wrestling matches could sprout, Remus stepped in and separated the two disgruntled Marauders.
"Oh, come off it, you two," he said. "Don't you remember what happened last time you fought?"
"Hey, Sirius' spots have cleared up now," James pointed out. Then as a second thought, he added: "Of course, it doesn't make any difference in his overall appearance, does it?"
"Watch it Potter," Sirius growled threateningly, "or you may find your broomstick 'accidentally mistaken' for firewood--"
"Okay!" Remus pressed. "Now that we've thoroughly threatened and insulted each other, let's get back to the matter at hand."
"Which would be?" asked Peter.
"Erm," Remus thought for a moment. "I forgot. Got caught up in the memory of Sirius in spots . . ."
"I was going to walk Lily to Herbology," announced James.
"And I told him not to," said Sirius, crossing his arms. "As soon as he meets up with Lily, he'll blab about the Halloween ball and then get stuck going. I was only trying to save Prongs from himself."
"I appreciate the thought, Sirius," said James. "But I can take care of myself, thank you very much."
Sirius stared down at the floor stubbornly. "Yes, well, just don't come crying back to me after you're forced into dress robes on October 31. Which, I guarantee, you will be."
"Fine," James defied.
"Corking," answered Sirius.
James shook his head and mumbled something under his breath. As he finally turned and headed toward the entrance hall, Sirius' mouth began to twitch uncontrollably.
"What's so funny?" asked Peter. "The fact that James is most likely going to get caught by Lily?"
"Or is it the fact that you're actually going to be right for once in your miserable excuse for an existence?" added Remus.
"No, none of those. And I resent that last one," Sirius started to laugh even harder. "It's the fact that Jim tried to make a dramatic exit—"
Peter raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny about that?"
Sirius snorted. "He still has that poster down his trousers."
Remus and Peter jerked their heads toward James, who was opening a door to the outside grounds, and saw a corner of the neon pink Halloween ball poster sticking out of the edge of his robes.
The three remaining Marauders slowly exchanged glances. When their eyes meet, they burst out with wild laughter.
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Well, what can I say? Er . . . not much until you tell me how much you like this breathtaking piece of
literature which lies before you. (In other word: REVIEW! PLEASE! THANK YOU!)
The next chapter (Which puts a new character into the random mix of chaos)
should be up soon . . .
Please, keep reviewing and reading! YOUR REVIEWS GIVE ME LIFE!!!
Cheers! From PezMaster