I am hereby writing the LAST chapter of Hidden Secrets. I just don´t like it anymore. I prefer writing short one-shots every once in a while, rather than over 2000-words long diaries.
I'm sorry. I'm just not really into wrestling anymore, I now prefer Resident Evil.
If you still want to read something, I might get back to Wrestlemen Evil someday, and I will still update 'Of Discounts and Destruction'.
Thank you for reading this, thanks for reviewing and thanks for favouriting. I am grateful.
Inspired by: Nothing at all. Let's see where this will go okay?
Warnings: Crackfic for sure.
Note: This contains parts of journals of different wrestlers. Why? Because one long chapter about a full day of one wrestler is just too much. I don't have the energy, will or humor for it left.
My brain has left the building. If you happen to find it back, please call 0900-TakerTookmyBrains
-Christian's shrink appointment.-
I need to go see my shrink in 5 minutes, so I'm in the waiting room. All the other patients are staring at me. I am here because I buy shoes all the time. I don't know why that is a problem, but apperantly it is.
Oh dear, here we go again...
"Mr. Cage, have you bought any... shoes recently?" My shrink was staring at my pretty feet, apparantly trying to determine how new my shoes were.
"Yeah, like four days ago." I nodded. They're awesome shoes, I wish they'd never grow old. And they wouldn't, because before they had a chance to grow old, I would replace them with new ones. Kind of the same way I treat my girlfriends, come to think of it.
"Mr. Cage, the reason you buy these shoes isn't because you need them, now is it? It's because of your anger."
I frowned. "I'm not angry."
"Deep inside I can tell you house a lot of anger. Anger and insanity, but the latter one is for an upcoming meeting." The shrink scratched his throat. "Now what we should do is... Find the source of that anger, and tackle it!"
"Heh... Okay?" I hate seeing my shrink, he's so stiff. Haha. Stiffening. OH GROSS!
"Mr. Cage? You are angry right? You need to find a way to deal with it."
I sighed. "I do deal with it, by buying new shoes every week."
"No, you need to find a more... Healthy way. You must express it. But first we must find the source! Please Mr. Cage, do you know what your anger is directed towards?"
I shrugged and scratched my nose. It's itching. "I think so..."
Shrink nodded. "Good! Tell me what you think Mr. Cage!"
"My anger... Is directed towards..." I frowned again. "Towards..." I sighed again. "It's directed towards..."
"Yes, Mr. Cage, you can do it! Say it!" The therapist cheered.
"My anger is directed towards... Towards my old shoes!" I cheered back. I feel smart!
"Oh dear Lord..." The shrink mumbled. "Let's continue this next time, shall we?"
"I found the source of my anger! I am so happy! I must celebrate it by buying new shoes!" I took off my shoes and left his office. God, I hate that guy.
Oh the beeping is messing with my concentration. I was just dreaming about having my hair cut off and looking not that sexy anymore when the alarmclock told me it's time to wake up.
Heh, Paulie never ever wakes up from that thing. He just sleeps like a little baby. A baby of a motorboat, but a baby nontheless.
... I just realised, I am getting married today! EEEEEEH! Oh my Glamazon, I can't wait. You should see the invitation! It is epic.
Wait, I can show you the text right?
HHH and HBK will be bonded on the 7th. of December in 2008.
YOU have been invited aswell!
Location: Green Bay Wisconsin church of Holy Heathens.
Time: 11:00 AM.
Dresscode: You must wear a sombrero! Dressing up is always a good thing, keep that in mind.
Presents: Anything expensive or pink will do. (Paulie made me write that down...)
- No sombrero, no entrance.
- No stealing souls.
- No Chokeslams, Last Rides, Swanton Bombs or Batista Bombs allowed.
- Do not touch the cake before we say it's okay to. (Yes, I do mean you Santino!)
- Be nice.
- No creating moshpits! (I mean you, Motorhead!)
Please RSVP. If you do not show up Sweet Chin Music will be waiting for you.HHH and HBK.
It's unbelievable we had to state rules, but we're wrestlers, you can never be too cautious, right?
I wonder if some people will actually dress up. And if they do I sure hope to God that Kane doesn't dress up as gingerbread man again. It looks ridiculous. (Though I admit, it'll look good on the pictures.)
I bet Kozlov will wear his radio again.
It's time for Paulie to get up too. How to wake up the cerebral assassin you ask?
I still have no idea, which is why I do the same things over and over again, every single morning.
Singing very loud. Our favorite song, Join me in Death by HIM.
"We are so young,
our lives have just begun,
but already we are considering,
escape from this world.
And we've waited for so long,
for this moment to come,
we're so anxious to be together,
together in death, HO HO HO!
Won't you diiieeee tonight for love... Baby join me in death...'
It always works...
Paulie is awake. Or at least he looks awake. He always replies with 'Baby, how bout you join me in BED?' and then we do fun things.
Like talk. (Haha, got ya there, didn't I?)
But no time to join him in bed. I must get dressed and so should he. We're getting married today, okay? And that's hard work, despite the fact everything's being taken care of already.
We had a wedding-planner, did ya know that? It's eh... Yeah... Beth. Beth is a lovely girl, so we thought she´d be perfect for it.
Taking a shower with Paulie. It's great to take showers together but it's really hard. We hardly fit in the bathroom together. Usually that's fine, but there's no time for things like that.
"Shawn, don't drop the soap." H sounded very... Evil?
"I will not." I frowned. He needs to grow a second brain, preferable one in his head.
See what I mean? This is going to be one hell of a wedding.
-Bunchlax' exorcism. (Kane)-
"Nicey-nice!" I heard Kozlov yell from upstairs. Decided to go upstairs.
Found three dead mice, what the hell? Did Kozlov catch those?!
Oh of course not, it was Bunchlax. I think he needs an exorcism.
WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!!!
"Hell-o, medium, my cat is posessed." I told the medium.
"I'm not a medium." The medium replied.
"Is that so?" I frowned. "Then what?"
"I'm a large."
For the love of God!
Different medium then.
"Hell-o, my cat needs help from up above."
"Up above can't help your cat, down below might be able to though..." A dark voice came from my phone.
"Really? How do I contact down below?"
Called 0-666-Undertaker. Surprising...
"Mark here." Mark said.
"Dude, you have a phoneline that dials 'Undertaker'?"
"That you, babybrother of Destruction?"
"I'm busy with Steve, call back later."
I wonder what they're doing?
Do I want to know?
Trying to figure out who the most evil wrestler is, apart from Mark and myself. I'm thinking...
No, not him.
S... No, definitely not.
"My name is Finlay and I love to fight." Finlay answered the phone.
"Listen, my green bastard friend, my cat needs an exorcism."
"Aha, and you want me to exercise it?"
"I will be there soon, my big red bastard friend, give me a second, I need to feed Hornswoggle."
"You have to feed him?" I asked confused.
"Yes, feed him to my shark."
Finlay will come over soon to, hopefully, return Bunchlax to normal. Now there's this thing that's been bugging me...
I don't even know if Bunchlax was ever normal in the first place?
I can feel... I'm drifting off... Into a world of memories. Uh ooh.
"Awwww, so cute!" I petted the kitten from which I first thought it was a bunny. "I'mma keep it."Mark cocked an eyebrow, then his other eyebrow. "Oh."
The kitten attacked Mark's insane amount of pretty hair. Mark screamed, I laughed and Bunchlax just... Took a nap in the hair. It's what he does.
Bunchlax was never sane, I'm sure. Uh, here we go again.
"My sledgehammer is gone, it's missing, it has left the building, where the HELL is it?!!!" Paulie the Game was angry beyond words.
I shrugged, as I always did. Shrugging calms the Paul down.
"Glen?" Paulie asked with a suddenly VERY calm voice. "Why is Bunchlax shaped like a sledgehammer?!"
I still wonder how 'Lax ever swallowed that thing... Can my evil cat of doom dislocate his jaw? And the rest of his bones, for that matter?
Bunchlax has never been normal indeed... Oh no, no more, please.
Fire... Fire everywhere. The stove was on fire, my candles were on fire and even brother of Destruction Mark was on fire. It was a sea of flames, eating away all of our belongings, which consisted of eh... fishsticks, candles, stoves and checkers for Kozlov.
Mark blamed Bunchlax. I blamed Mark's stove. Bunchlax didn't place any blame, he just took a nap in Mark's hair again.
Story of Mark's life, things taking naps in his hair. One time I even found JBL in there.
Staring at the image of myself, reflected by the mirror... There are scars everywhere you can see, and even some that are hidden by my previously mentioned stupid boxers.
Bunchlax is Satan in disguise. Cena told me, Mark told me, hell, even Thor told me in his own way. And I believe them.
Finlay is wandering around in my house, looking for Bunchlax. For some reason that cat's always around, unless you need him. He's like a woman you know? They're always there, nagging your ears off, but the moment you want to get laid, they disappear. Cats and women are such a pain.
"Did you find him yet?" I yelled upstairs.
"I found Kozlov!" Finlay yelled back.
Oh well, maybe Kozlov needs an exorcism too?
Haha Finlay tried to exorcise Kozlov and Kozlov gave him an epic headbutt. Kozlov's headbutts are always epic because he refuses to take off his helmet. I think it's because of the war or something. I remember him being afraid of the Germans.
Mr. Humphries just jumped on my back. That cat needs to stop sneaking up on me... He's the sanest of them all though, must be because he was given to me as a present by William Regal.
I just don't like his name. Ahwell, at least William stopped calling me to ask 'Mr. Humphries, are you free?' That was so annoying.
"I think Bunchlax has disappeared into the fiery pits of hell." Finlay told me after searching for over an hour.
I shrugged. "He'll be back, it's not like they'd want him in hell anyway."
"True, true." Finlay wandered around my kitchen. "So what do we do now?"
"I'm making a bomb, let's set it off later tonight?" I smirked. "I suggest you wear protection."
"I can't, Hornswoggle mugged all of my condoms, it's why I fed him to a shark."
... Must be an Irish thing?
Ugh, Finlay left... Ahwell, maybe Bunchlax is perfect the way he is. I just hope he'll come back soon, and this time without one of his 'preys'. Last time he brought me rollerskates. Indeed, the owner was still in them.
Short, I know. And not as insane as usual. But I tried, I honestly did.
I hope you liked it after all, and if not... Well, at least you got 11 chapters of madness already, so you could always re-read one of them. :)
Thank you for reading, strangahs.