Oh my god. I am so sorry for my lack of update. I know I said I'd do a double update yesterday, things came up and I couldn't sorry. Anyway it's nearing exam season for year 11 here and my sister is in her final year. She'll need to be using the computer more often to finish course work, so I wont be able to be on the computer as long as I'd like. Hopefully I'll still be able to do one update a day. Please be patient with me I will update as often as I can. Twilight characters belong to SM and some extracts from New Moon. Ooh, I'm planning a Twilight/One Tree Hill cross over fic. Just had to write it seeing as I'm a huge fan of both. Bella/Edward and Brooke/Lucas ship fic. Look out for it heh. Please review, I'll try to update as soon as I can. Loves to ya'll..
How could I have been so stupid? Clueless. Countless centuries with inhibited access to the female mind, yet I still know nothing about them. My stupidity and arrogance over what I thought I knew cost me my chance at winning Bella back. She wanted me to fight for her. Bella, my silly Bella she had never thought she was deserving of my love. The truth is I am the one who does not deserve her love or her forgiveness. She is everything pure and good, an angel. It is her through and through, and I do not deserve her. Yet I yearn for her. I long for her to look at me with love again. But I betrayed her and hurt her in the worst possible way. I caused her insecurities, made her doubt her worth. A feeling of shame washed through me.
"You don't believe me do you? I whispered, "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"
"It never made sense for you to love me," She explained her voice breaking slightly at the end. "I always knew that. I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you." She said quietly her voice thick with sadness.
The memories brought back extremely painful emotions. All the pain I caused Bella came crashing down on me. It was immense and striking, like a thousand knives piercing my heart all at once. I knew now that my love for her would never erase the pain I inflicted on her. I truly loved Bella with every fibre of my being, but would that be enough. Pain filled me as I realised that maybe it might not be.
How could she forgive me? After everything I had done, she still found it in her to forgive me to look at me with happiness and not hate. I could not understand it; there was sincerity in her voice not one ounce of hate or bitterness. Was she over me, did she have someone else in her life. Had she found someone to treat her right, to be everything to her I could never be. A low possessive growl rippled through my chest at these thoughts. No. I did not have the right to feel like this. Bella deserved happiness. She deserved someone loyal and faithful, who could love and cherish her the way she needed. I did not have the right, to deny her this. But the thought that, that someone would not be me made my cold heart shatter a little bit more.
Suddenly my inner turmoil was interrupted by an overexcited Emmett.
"Dude, can you believe it/Bella's an angel. How awesome is that." He exclaimed. Jasper and I roll our eyes at his antics.
"Come on Edward. We better head inside Alice will castrate me if we miss Bella's performance. Anyway Bella said this was a bar for the supernatural. They have alcohol for us vamps, animal blood induced of course." Jasper said excitement twinkling in his butterscotch eyes. Nodding my head at him we quickly followed Emmett into the club.
We made a beeline for our family. They were currently situated at the bar. Alice was engaged in an animated conversation will Bella's girlfriends. Whilst Jasper and Emmett stood next to Rosalie and Tanya surveying their surroundings. Suddenly the music stopped as Bella and the rest of her band mates took to the stage.
"Hey guy's we have a very special guest performing with us tonight and if it goes well she'll become a permanent fixture. So ladies and gentlemen please give it up for Bella Swan." Nate exclaimed to the crowd. Cheers vibrated through the whole club as Bella took centre stage. She did a cute curtsey causing everyone to laugh before the band rolled onto their first song of the night.
"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance. For a break that would make it okaythere's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day.I need some distraction oh; beautiful release memories seep from my veinsand may be empty. Oh, how weightless, then maybe ill find some peace tonight." Her voice soft and entrancing, sent chills down my spine. The crowd looked on at her in awe as her voice drifted throughout the club.
"In the arms of the angel far away from here. From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you are pulled from the wreckage, of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel may you find, some comfort here. So tired of the straight life and everywhere you turn, there's vultures and thieves at your back. And the storm keeps on twisting, keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack. It don't make no differenceescape them one last time it's easier to believe in this sweet madness. Oh, this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort here; you're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort here." Her eyes lingered on me for a few seconds, my breath caught in my throat as she sang her voice brimming over with emotion. Suddenly her line of sight shifted her voice becoming stronger and more heartfelt as she locked eyes with a jade-eyed man. Jealousy coursed through my veins as recognition flashed through their faces. A dreamy smile etched its way onto her angelic face as she sang out the last lines of the song. She sang four more songs with the band leaving the audience and my family captivated.
Nate took over, leaving Bella to dance off the stage and into the arms of the dirty blonde haired male. I watched from afar as they embraced and kissed tenderly. They held each other for what seemed like an eternity, the sight of them together caused me to dig my nails into the palm of my hand. Had I been human the action would have drawn blood. Another wave of jealousy coursed through my body as Bella intertwined her hands with the man and lead him towards us. I clenched my fists as they neared us. The sight angered me yet broke my heart at the same time. There familiarity with each other slowly driving me insane with jealousy.
"Hey guy's, this is Alex Van Leigh. Tia's older brother. Alex these are my friends, the Cullen's." Bella introduced him, her eye's dancing with excitement. As I looked at her face closer lust clearly resided in her eye's as she looked at Alex. My whole body stiffened, my siblings gave me curious looks, which I ignored. Bella turned to look at me, her face turned into a frown at my expression. She cocked her head to the side and sent e a small smile and a wink before dancing off to Alex's side. I felt the monster inside roar out loud at this action.
Alex was a vampire like Tia. Everyone made small talk with him before returning to their previous conversations. I felt Alex's gaze on me and quickly turned to look at him, he smirked at me raising his glass to toast something. I suppressed the urge to lunge at him.
"Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around." He informed me. I never got a chance to answer him before he disappeared into the throng of gyrating bodies.
What did he mean? What was his relationship with Bella? The seemed too familiar and intimate to be just friends. I massaged the back of my neck to relieve some of the tension. If I focused enough I could smell them all over each other, a mixing of scents. It was old, really faint, yet it still lingered on both of them. I growled at what this meant. I pushed myself off the bar stool ready to confront Bella. Turning a corner I saw Tia and Rosalie locked in a stand off. They're other halves restraining them but barley. Suddenly Bella was at Tia's side. Her expression fierce.
"Who the hell do you think you are Rosalie? You can't just demand things from people. We do not serve you." Bella exclaimed. Rosalie's expression became thunderous.
"You kept this from us, from me. You knew how much I wanted a baby. And she could give me that, yet you chose not to say anything. How could you, are you really that selfish that you would deny me this." Rosalie hollered, anger rolling off her in waves.
"Do you even hear yourself right now. We did not hide it from you. And what makes you deserve this more than someone else. News flash Rosalie, the world does not revolve around you. We do not live to serve you and your petulant needs. Yes your humanity was taken away from you in an unforgivable way but you were neither the first or last person this will happen to. Get over yourself. You know nothing of Tia and how she became like this; so don't think for a minute you deserve anything from her. You're a selfish bitch Rose, and you are not ready for a child when you still act like one yourself. When you're ready to be mature about this then we'll discuss this, until then I don't want to hear anything you have to say." Bella said her voice fierce and determined. Rose bowed her head in defeat, her thoughts registering at how childish she sounded. Bella looked barely able to control her anger, she quickly stormed off Alex hot on her tail. Anger bubbled up again as I saw them walk off together. Alice walked past me a smirk on her pixie like face.
Letting go of your past and memories are also extremely hard. Even though old memories can be tormenting, yet you might hold on to the past and refuse to move forward. However, by refusing to let go of the painful past, it'll serve as a roadblock to love.