What? A Naruto fic? What is this? Hath hell frozen over? Well, recently I've been watching the Shippuden episodes—you know, the good ones without Saus-gay? (Who I liked in part one but is now pissing me off.) Anyway, I love Gaara and Matsuri together and I can't fathom why people hate her so much. She's been in like, four episodes? At that? Jesus people, get a life.

© Masashi Kishimoto

Pure evil.

It had to be pure evil.

"Gaara-sensei...why are you staring so ah...'intently' at Keiko?" Matsuri asked innocently, rather too innocently if Gaara had any mind to it, but dammit, the only thing on his mind right now was the fact that the cat must be slaughtered because it was corrupting his girlfriend's mind.


Or maimed...


Or...or um...

"Gaa-chan!" Gaara turned his head at the 'special' nickname he'd received, and she used it only when they were around each other. He growled slightly, annoyed. He was thinking of ways to brutally maim her cat of Satanic evil.

"Matsu-chan, what is it." Wasn't a question, more so a statement asking her just what the hell she wanted.

"Gaara-sensei, you've been staring at Keiko for the past three minutes. Please tell me you don't have romantic feelings for my cat. That would be weird, Gaara-sensei, even for you." Gaara did a double-take, giving her a rather stupid look. She giggled. Oh how adorable he was when confused. Adorable and amusing all at the same time.


"Please stop calling me that."

"—nope! Anyway, why are you staring at Keiko? Please don't contemplate killing her. I'm rather fond of her." Matsuri hugged the cat to her chest, and Gaara could swear on his entire collection of Sailor Moon dolls (Action figures! His mind proclaimed angrily) that the stupid cat was giving him a smug smile. He clenched his fist. His girlfriend was fondling a fricking cat.

And not him. That was what irked him the most. If only he could just throw it out in the street and let the snakes eat it.

Yes...that would be nice...

"Gaa-chan! Please stop looking at her like that...it's creepy. Anyway..." She set Keiko down on the rug, and the cat totted out of the room, rubbing against Gaara's leg for good effect, saying 'you're not going to win, so accept it, loser'.

His eye twitched ever so slightly.

"Gaa-chan, please stop thinking of ways to maim and/or mutilate my tabby cat. It would look a little odd on a Kazekage's record if it says 'Ruled justly, however, killed a tabby cat for reasons beyond my fathomable expression'." Matsuri giggled again. Gaara died a little inside. Not because of her giggling, however, it was due mostly by the fact that she would keep the damn cat and he could not win.

"Anyway, Gaa-chan, are you ready? I thought that we were joining Temari-san and Kankuro-san for lunch?" Matsuri glanced over her shoulder at him, to see him glaring at Keiko. Again.

"Gaa-chan...you're staring at Keiko again..." Matsuri chuckled, and linked her hand with his.

"Please stop doing that, Gaara. I like her. She's cuddly and warm."

"I'm cuddly and warm." Matsuri laughed. Gaara seethed.

"Of course you are, Gaara. Especially with the gigantic bags under your eyes and the Kanji symbol on your forehead. Other than that, yes, quite cuddly and warm." She kissed his cheek, and he seethed once more.




"Gaa-chan, I'll be in the bathroom, okay? When we come out I expect Keiko to still be alive and you to not be such a pill about going to lunch with your siblings. Honestly, the three of you are getting along splendidly, however, just take to time and—dammit Gaara! Stop staring at Keiko!" Matsuri grabbed his head and forced him to stop looking at that damn cat for two minutes as if it was going to pounce on her at any second!

"Gaa-chan, I know you're a bit jealous of...of my cat, but please. It's a cat. I love you more than I love Keiko. So please, stop acting like a jealous dolt. For me?" She smiled cutely, which, she obviously knew would both kill him inside and make his knees melt.




"Gaa-chan, you're seething again..." Damn her acute observations. He bit his lip in thought, and nodded his head mechanically. Well, more time meant more ways to think of maiming her, right? And besides, the cat rubbed up against his leg to show Matsuri that she 'liked' him, despite the fact that the demon cat knew she was the victor in the situation by pretending to like him.

"I know what you're thinking cat. You're thinking you've won. However, the game has just started, Keiko. So stop being a smug little bastard cat and let me kiss her without your stupid tabby self jumping up, and then her immediately going 'Oh Keiko, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were feeling left out!'. You're a cat! You get enough attention already you stupid cat of stupid." Rare was it for Gaara no Sabaku to lose his cool. However, when he did, it was funny.

"Meow." Keiko gave him big cat eyes. Like, huge eyes that made you just want to go 'Aww...it's so cute!'.

Gaara's eye twitched again. He was a cold heartless bastard who only cared about his siblings, village, and girlfriend. Okay, maybe not totally heartless...

The cat must be eliminated.

"Meow!" It gave another adorable mewl, and Gaara struggled to not be affected by its cuteness. Goddammit, even he had to admit that it was adorable when not being a hell-spawn of...of....hell-spawniness.

"I hate you..." He growled and lifted his hand up slowly to meet her head, and petted the cat. It purred under the scratching, and licked his hand. He struggled more to not be taken under it's adorable innocent look.

"I refuse you let you win." He huffed, and Keiko mewled. Matsuri came out of the bathroom to see Gaara glaring at her cat. Again. She sighed, and ran a hand through her hair.

"Gaa-chan...come on, Keiko isn't going to eat you..." She gently grabbed his hand and pulled him off the couch. He kept his glare on the cat, and Matsuri sighed.

"Gaara...Temari and Kankuro will wonder why you're late, and then Kankuro will hold it over your head until you find something that will embarrass him, and the vicious circle continues." Matsuri giggled, and Gaara seethed once more and got that 'I'm-gonna-choke-a-bitch' look on his face.

"Keiko-kun, come on! Into the bedroom!" She picked up the cat, who mewed in defiance because she was winning the freaking competition.

"Your cat is evil, Matsuri. Pure, unadulterated evil. Why didn't you pick that Calico cat? It looked more well-behaved and not evil." Matsuri kissed his cheek again, another growl escaping his lips. She pouted.

"If you're going to growl every time I do that, maybe I should just give up trying to give you affection."

Dammit, this is exactly as Keiko planned it!




Kankuro and Temari watched as Gaara stabbed his toothpick in his Odango, making various tiny holes in the small sphere. Matsuri ignored his 'outburst', and closed her eyes as she feasted on the delicious odango. She gulped it down, and stared at Temari and Kankuro, who were giving their brother dumbfounded looks. He hadn't been this maniacal since before the Shukaku took over. Temari raised her eyebrow into her hairline.

"...Gaara...what did that Odango ever do to you, exactly?" Temari said, her head a full 90 degrees. Kankuro, out of his usual attire, (save for the paint, because he thought he looked rather badass) stayed more than motionless as he watched, rather amused at Gaara's abuse of the odango.

Matsuri swallowed, "Gaara-sama is a bit...irritated by my cat."

"...Your cat?" Temari asked dumbly.

Matsuri nodded.

"Your cat. Um..." Kankuro said, not exactly knowing where to continue from there. Honestly, he knew his brother wasn't a huge fan of animals (except, for some odd reason, pandas) but to be this irked about a cat...then what the hell did that feline do, anyway?!

Temari put her fist under her chin, studying Gaara poke, prod, stab, and mutilate the poor odango. Matsuri finally got tired of the incessant sticking in and sticking out (that's what she said), and shoved it in his mouth. He narrowed his eyes, and chewed slowly, glaring at his significant other. She grinned.

"You need to just eat the damn food and stop seething quietly about Keiko. Honestly Gaa-chan, you seethe too much. I think it's unhealthy." Temari blinked, and Kankuro let out a snort before a string of laughter followed.

Of course, Matsuri didn't tell them about her 'nickname'. Of. Freaking. Course.

Now he was positive that Temari and Kankuro had some...some conspiracy together with Keiko to fell him as Kazekage and replace him with that damned cat.

That was, quite obviously, the most logical explanation.

Kankuro turned his head away to respect both his brother and the Kazekage by not laughing directly at his face, however, the chortles heard from the Puppeteers mouth were like a thousand little pinpricks to Gaara's manhood, dignity, and pride.

He was being bested by a...a cat of Satan and his girlfriend who just happens to be three inches shorter than him, which makes her adequate arm-resting height. (Much to her annoyance and dismay.)

"You do realize I'm never, ever, ever letting you live this down, right...Gaa-chan?" Kankuro said, smile reaching to his ears. Gaara seethed.

"I'm very much aware, thankyouverymuch"

"I know you think you've won, Kei-ko, but the battle has just begun you stupid...little...God I hate you." Gaara narrowed his eyes at the cat, who mewed innocently. He readied his pimp hand, when Matsuri suddenly kissed him full-on the lips.

"Gaa-chan, let's put Keiko in another room..."

...Who did he hate again?

Worst ending ever.

And look at my uncreative Japanese names!