--Okay, so I changed some stuff in this obviously. Still rated for language, still no flames, still NO WINCEST! Okey dokey!--
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Where'd my brother go? I know he was here when I left, but now…Now I don't know anymore. I was told to protect him for so long. Then again I was told to kill him by the same man that told me that. If I couldn't save him. But I tried and tried, I did everything I could to get Sammy back, but he's gone.
He sneaks out like he has to, like he can't tell me he's going out. Like he has to lie to me, like he can't trust me, like everything between us has to be some covered up lie or an avoided awkward situation. Lie after lie. I'm sick of it. I think that's why under the Siren's spell, or whatever the hell you wanna call it, I wanted to kill him. And I was going to. I saw myself swinging that axe down and cutting him clean in half. And that scares me. God, I was gonna kill my own brother. Yeah, there was the spell thing but I don't see that as an excuse. I almost killed my…Well, is he my brother anymore?
I spent forty years in Hell, or four months, whichever time you want to use, and all I can remember wanting while I was there was Sam. I wanted to see my brother again. And now, I can't find him.
His body walks around me all the time. He sounds like him, he kind of acts like him sometimes, but Sammy's not here. Something that's trying to be him is. I can hardly look at him without feeling this pang in my stomach and in my heart. I never thought I'd see darkness in my brother before. Three years ago I wouldn't have thought Sam could kill something without feeling bad about it. And that lasted for awhile. Until he died and I made the deal. That's when he changed. He fought to be stronger so when I was gone he'd be able to keep fighting like I told him to. I think it was too much for him. That's why Ruby was such a comforting figure. He got close to her because there was no one else. He really likes her.
Me personally? I'd like to tear the bitches eyes out.
I've prayed, yeah I actually prayed, for someone to give me my little brother back. The one that called me jerk as a joke. The one who fought hard to fight the thing inside him. The one that didn't call me weak.
I can't help but wonder if he's right. I did give into what Alastair asked me to do, and I had fun doing it. And that makes me weak and a monster. I feel bile rise to the back of my throat as I think about it. I swallow hard to make it go away. I fight even harder to make the thoughts themselves disappear.
"Boohoo." That's what he said to me. I didn't want to tell him what I had done because I thought he would look at me different. I thought he'd think I'm this awful person that I feel like right now. But I told him anyway, because I had to tell someone. I told him that because I thought I could trust him. Instead he threw it back in my face. I felt shame fill my body at that moment, just like when he said it the first time.
I am scared to go after Lillith. But it sure as hell isn't because I'm scared of her. I'm scared Sam is gonna try and kill her, and he'll lose.
Why can't he just be honest with me? Why does he feel like he needs to hide these things from me? I'm his brother. I'll love him no matter what. No matter what…And I mean it damn it!
I sat down on the edge of the bed, glad Sam wasn't here right now. I don't know where he went, and I'm not sure I want to know. I looked down at the bruises on my arms, and felt the ones on my face.
"Do you hate me Sam?" I said aloud. "Is that what it is, you hate me? If you think I'm so weak, so pathetic, why are you still here? Why don't you just leave, huh?" I didn't want that. That was the last thing I wanted. I was stupid to think things would be normal when I got back. I was stupid to think Sam would be alright without me. God I'm so fucking stupid!
The way he looks at me, like I am as weak as he said. He is right. "Sammy, please, please show me you're still in there. Please let me know I still have someone to watch out for me. Please tell me you trust me." I remember last year, before I went to Hell, he told me I had him. He was the only thing in the world I had, and he was slipping away from me. I was losing the one thing I had. If Sam was gone, if I lost him again…I would have no real reason to live. He may not need me but I need him. I always will need him. Yeah, I guess that proves I'm weak.
I need my little brother. I can't be alone, I can't. I won't. I spent enough time begging for someone to save me, screaming his name, begging and pleading for him to help me in a scream so loud my throat split.
"Damn it Sammy!" I bellowed. "I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have let you get killed in the first place. It's my fault, it's my fucking fault!" I buried my face in my hands, unable to hold the tears back anymore. It's all my fault. If I would have gone into that diner instead of him Sam would have been fine.
"How certain are you that what you brought back is one-hundred percent, pure Sam?" Yellow Eyes' words rang through my ears. I shook my head.
"I don't know," I cried. "I don't know." Sam died in my arms. I didn't know what to do when he did. I made a split second decision. I sold my soul and went to Hell for my little brother. And I would do it all over again. Castiel was going to kill him if I let him. Or if I couldn't stop him. No, no he can't. Sam'll be fine. Sammy's…Not Sammy anymore. "I want my brother back… I just want my brother back!"
"Dean?" I heard the voice and froze. The last time he talked to me he asked if we were good. Oh, yeah sure, we're fine. The time before that we were screaming at each other. And I was gonna kill him. I swallowed the fresh sob that appeared in my throat. "Dean, are you okay?" I wiped my eyes and looked up.
"Yeah Sammy," I lied. "I'm fine," He sat down next to me and looked in my eyes. I looked away from him. I knew he had caught my lie. "Just proves you were right, huh?" I said, smirking, trying to make it into a joke like always. I saw pain in his eyes. I found him! Sammy's right there! He might go away again but that doesn't matter right now. Now I can see my brother.
Sam seemed at a loss of what to say. "Dean, I… I'm sorry. I…" He stopped. I felt him hug me a second later. I froze and went rigid. Whoa chick-flick moment. But… But for the first time in a long time, I had Sam back. I gave in. I hugged him back and felt like a bitch for crying again. But Sam hugged me tighter. "Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean it I swear." I didn't want to say yes you did.
My baby brother was right here, right now, if only for a second. And that's all I asked for.
--As per request of a reviewer there has been a 2nd chapter added!--