--Aright, chapter two of a oneshot that's a little weird right? : D --
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
I meant what I said to him. I gave up trying to tell myself otherwise awhile ago. I remember the fight. Every second of it. What I said. What Dean said. Yeah, I remember it.
I left after we got back to the Motel. I just couldn't stay there with him. In that awkward silence and try and pretend it was okay. I asked him if we were cool. He said yeah. I know that's bullshit. He probably hates me for what I said. For keeping things from him.
The siren was right, Dean didn't trust me anymore, and that hurt. But, then again I haven't given him a reason to trust me. I've snuck out like a teenager so many times it's not even funny. Even when Dean's muttering in his sleep, burying his face deeper under the covers and whimpering my name. He doesn't know I hear him but I do.
I still leave because I know I'm going to save a life, or maybe more. Now that I've had time to think, and by time I mean five hours, and I should have stayed with him. I should have stayed and make sure he was okay, that the dream didn't make him go all the way back to Hell again. He'd been there long enough. God, he was saying my fucking name! He was asking for me. He was begging for me, and I walked away. All he wanted was my voice, a shake to wake him up and get him out of the Hell his mind had tossed him into again. But I didn't.
I remember the look he had on his face when I called him weak. When I said he was scared to go after demons I did. He didn't show it in his face, but I saw in his eyes that I had struck a chord. Which is why I kept going. I saw it had hurt and I kept going. I feel terrible.
All Dean ever did was protect me. He died for me. He spent forty years Hell for me. And I go and say something like that? Dean saved me. He traded his life for mine…
I can't believe he let me take the car. I asked and he just tossed the keys at me. We needed to be apart right now. Or, at least, I needed to be away from him. I think it was guilt that drove me away. It was absolutely the guilt.
I keep wondering if he's okay. Wondering what he's doing. Or if he even cares where I am right now. Obviously I'm not anywhere special right now, just driving. Ruby's called me at least four times and I've ignored it. I glanced at the passenger seat where my phone lay just in time to see it ring again, with Ruby's number on the outside screen. If I didn't answer she'd come find me. And I really didn't want to deal with her shit right now. I grabbed it and flipped it open.
"Hello?" I said.
"Where the hell have you been?!" She bellowed.
"I've been busy with a siren. Sorry."
"Yeah, well, we have work to do right now and I can't do it without you." She spat.
"Is it of major importance right now or can it wait?" I asked irritably.
"Well, it can wait I guess but why should we when we can take care of it right now?"
"Because I have enough crap to deal with right now. I don't need that on top of it."
"Maybe it'll help you wind down, you always feel better after you do it."
"No," I said quickly. I was guilty enough right now, I didn't need to end the night dealing with a demon in Ruby's company. "No, Ruby, if it can wait so will you." I said. Before she could continue I slammed my phone shut and tossed it back into the seat. I stared out the windshield again.
Dean had every right to hit me. If I would have not been under the siren's spell I would have let him. But I fought back. I hit him so hard he flew across the room. I absently reached up and felt the now scabbed over cut on my neck. I couldn't believe it when Dean did it. He did what it said just like that. Then again, those things have a lot of power.
"You're not standing in my way, anymore!" I had screamed it in his face. Before I tried to beat his face in. And dean blew us both through a door. He grabbed that axe and stood over me. I thought he might actually do it. And if he didn't do it, I was already thinking of how I was gonna kill him instead.
"Tell me again how weak I am Sam, huh," He said. "How I held you back." The he picked it up and started to swing. In that moment I really thought he was going to kill me. Thank God for Bobby.
After all of that, the whole fight, the siren dying and both of us coming to our senses, all I could think was, god, what did I say?
"You're too busy sittin' around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell, boohoo."
As I remembered the words I felt terrible. What Dean told me about what he did was in confidence, and I threw it back in his face as a sign of weakness. He must hate my guts. I wouldn't be surprised that he would pack his bag and bolt as soon as I got back with his car.
I pulled into the parking lot to the Motel, realizing I had ended up here without thinking about it. I got out of the car, waiting to open the door and have Dean push past me.
But when I opened the door, I didn't see anything close to what I thought.
Dean was sitting on his bed, his face in his hands, sobbing.
"I want my brother back…I just want my brother back!" My heart skipped a beat and ached at the same time.
"Dean?" I said hoarsely. He went rigid. I don't think he heard me come in. Dean didn't hate me. He didn't want to leave. It was awkward enough earlier. I could still see my fist striking his face over and over again. "Dean, are you okay?" I asked. Dean tried to stop and hide the tears from me. He swept his hand over his face and looked up at me, the redness still in his eyes, the water still on his face.
"Yeah Sammy," He said, lying to me. "I'm fine," I sat down next to him, searching his face. I was an expert at reading his emotions by now. He looked away from me. "Just proves you were right, huh?" Oh god, he thought what I said was true about himself. Fuck he believed me. He thought he was weak, he thought he was holding me back, he thought every terrible thing I said about him was true, because it came out of my mouth. My heart broke, but I didn't know what to say.
"Dean, I…I'm sorry. I…" I stopped. I was lost for words. There was nothing I could say that could take the words back. I hugged him. It was the only thing I could do without screaming. He tensed again. I waited for him to push me away. But he didn't. And he hugged me back a moment later. I hugged him tighter when he started to cry again. God I had hurt him so much. God I wanna fucking kick my own ass. "Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean it I swear." I felt like such a fucking asshole. I made him feel this way. I made him cry like this. And right now, unlike those countless nights he had been calling my name, I was staying with him. Because my big brother needed me. And I was staying with him.
--Alright this is the official end. No more I swear! Now tell me how you like the whole thing! : P --