A/N: Hello everyone! I'm not really a big Twilight fan *dodges copies of New Moon*, but I have read all the books a few times and I fell in love with the Jacob/Renesmee storyline. This begged me to be written. I've got about five chapters done now, and I'll try to update twice a week, but I can't promise anything. I really love Jacob's character - Renesmee's too, really, and I know they're not as popular in the fandom as other characters *coughEdwardandBellacough*, but I know there are some fans out there. This will probably end up M, so I'll rate it high just in case. I appreciate any and all feedback, theories, ideas, etc.
Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer - just a sorta-kinda-only-on-wednesdays-in-the-closet fan. I also don't own the lovely quote by Oscar Wilde or the title, which is the title of a Vanessa Carlton song that I found strangely fitting. Don't sue me, please.
Chapter One: In Which the Aggravated-Air-Through-Nose Sound Irritates
if you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. otherwise, they'll kill you.
- oscar wilde
I was running. Running like I'd never ran before, the ground flying under my feet, the sky blurring around me, the air rushing past my face as I hurled myself further and further into happy oblivion. I darted through trees and over lakes and around valleys, feeling for all the world as though my life was perfect. Once I reached the Washington state border, though, I knew I had to turn around and return home. I let the wind carry me back, leaping and bounding and hoping more than absently that this forest wasn't a frequent of hunters. My family wouldn't take too kindly to me coming home with a bullet wound or winding up on the front page of the paper.
I slowed to a human pace as I reached the edge of clearing to our home, a familiar voice ricocheting off the walls at an inhuman octave. Though to be fair, of any home, ours seemed to be the most likely place for inhuman things to occur.
I stepped through the door and into utter chaos.
"A BACKYARD WEDDING?" Alice shrieked, looking as though someone had suggested she murder children and sell their organs on the black market. "WITH A FISHING THEME? Who in their right mind, would choose to get married with a fishing theme?"
She glared around at us when no one answered. My mother and father sat quietly together on the loveseat, whispering to each other and Rosalie and Jasper were highly involved in a game of chess on the floor not far away. Emmett, on the other hand, sitting as close as possible to Alice in order to better enjoy the chaos, was quick to egg her on.
"I don't know, Alice – maybe we could all wear fishing hats with reels and bobs on them or something." He grinned, knowing exactly what he had done. Mom shot him an exasperated look as Alice started up again.
"Fishing hats! With reels and bobs? It is unacceptable, it is blasphemy, that's what it is – an insult to the sanctity of marriage. I cannot allow it to occur!"
I smelled a familiar scent wafting in from the open door, just before I felt a warm hand slip into mine. I immediately felt better. I looked up at my personal sun, who grinned down at me quickly, before turning to survey the scene with interest.
"What can she not allow to occur?" He asked me absently, watching Alice from the corner of his eye as though she might begin to spit venom. I would have to admit, if they allowed her to go on in this fashion for much longer, she just might.
"A fishing theme," I replied, pretending to wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Apparently, it is a shame to humanity."
Jake stared back at me with wide eyes.
"A fishing theme? Oh, the horror!" He cried, and dove behind me as though he would use me for a shield.
"Not a fishing theme!" He pretended to sob from behind my waist. He used the placement of his hands to his advantage, and tickled me. I wiggled in his arms and shrieked with laughter, which unfortunately, brought Alice's attention upon us.
"And you!" She shrieked, pointing a finger in our direction. I was suddenly very scared. "You filthy stinking dog! I stuck up for you! I liked you! I even told you when Rosalie spit in your food!"
Rosalie chuckled from somewhere behind Alice. Was it me, or did Alice seem much bigger than before? Jake appeared to be using me as a shield for real this time. I wonder what was going on.
"How long have you known about this, traitor?" She asked imperiously. Although I was scared for Jake, I was just glad to know wasn't about me. I tried to move away, but he clung tight to my waist, peeking at Alice from the space between my side and arm.
"About two weeks?"
I wondered absently if it was uncertainty about the length of time or fear from Alice's reaction to the truth that made his answer seem like a question.
"And how long do I have left?" She demanded.
"Um . . . two weeks?"
"Two weeks! How am I supposed to plan an acceptable wedding in two weeks!"
"Who's getting married?" I burst out before I realized. It felt like everyone turned to look at me.
Alice narrowed her eyes at me as though answer was all my fault before she turned away. I was confused – what did any of this have to do with Jacob?
"You tell her, Bella!" She shouted as she ran up the stairs, gracefully, but with a purpose. Like her regular dancing style, but set to a war march. "You know I don't like to yell at her and I cannot talk about this any more! I have too much to do!"
Everyone was silent for a minute, like they were trying to make sure Alice wasn't coming back. I heard the sound of a huge book being thrown onto a bed, so I assumed she wasn't.
My mom looked up at me and smiled brilliantly, reaching her hand out to me. I tried to walk forward and take it, which was when I realized Jake was still using me as his shield.
"She's gone, Jake," I said, trying to pull free. He glanced upwards and I knew he was listening for footsteps to signal her return. When he seemed satisfied, he straightened up, once again towering over me.
"Man! She can be scary when she wants to be . . ."
"I thought you weren't scared of bloodsuckers?" I shuddered at the word Jacob sometimes used for my family, though he tried not to. Sometimes he slipped up.
"I'm not." He assured me, raking his hand through his hair. I noticed his bicep flexed with the movement and I heard my dad exhale sharply through his nose.
What? I thought in his direction.
"It has absolutely nothing to do with her being a bloodsucker," he continued, throwing himself of the couch next to Uncle Emmett. "It has to do with her being scary. Did you see the spit flying out of her mouth? If she was a cartoon, her head would be on fire."
I giggled and stepped forward to take my mom's hand and she pulled me down to sit between her and dad on the loveseat. It was a tight fit – I was a lot bigger than I used to be when I sat with them like this.
"Well . . ." she started, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Your Grandpa Charlie and Aunt Sue are getting married!"
"Oh!" I exclaimed, the fishing theme making sudden sense then. "That's great! When . . . where – what –"
Dad, sensing my struggle and already knowing what I wanted to ask, cut me off and saved me a lot of rambling.
"Like Jacob said, the wedding is in about two weeks. Like he also said, he's known for about two weeks. They've known for about three weeks, but Alice wasn't keeping tabs on them, so she only saw it when they set the date. Obviously, she's upset." Dad smirked, the corners of his mouth turning up and for a second I could really see why he was always salivated over when in public. "Good one with the black market baby organs thing – that was funny."
Jake shot me a weird look and I grinned, really cheesing it. He couldn't help but grin back, but he did look at me a little like I was insane. My dad made the aggravated-air-through-nose sound again. It was irritating me – what was wrong with him?
What, Dad? I thought at him again, but he ignored it. Again.
"So how did Jacob know?" I wondered aloud, looking at the wolf in question, but it was Dad who answered.
"The pack mind. Seth knew, so naturally so did everyone else." Dad's facial expression changed for a fraction of a second as he saw something in Jacob's thoughts. "Leah was kind of upset that they hadn't told her."
Jacob mumbled something that sounded like "yeah, well, would you?" but I wasn't sure if that was supposed to mean wouldn't we have been upset or would we have told her.
"Don't answer that," I said quickly to my dad as he opened his mouth. I know Jacob got sick of him being in his head, especially when he kept airing his private thoughts aloud. I think he knew what I did, because he grinned at me again.
Jake had the absolute best smile. It was literally my favorite sight in the world. It was like the sun in winter, warming you and making you happy. It's always been like that, though; I see no reason why that should now draw another weird air-through-nose sound from my dad.
What, Dad? What? If you aren't going to answer me, then quit huffing and puffing, because I have no idea what you're mad about.
He again ignored me, so I decided he would rather stop with his irritating noises. I suddenly remembered about the subject at hand. I turned back to my mom.
"So, how are you, Mom? Are you happy?" I asked her.
"Oh, yes," she assured me, and wrapped me into a cold stone embrace. "I'm glad Charlie's found someone to spend his life with and I'm really excited to have Seth as a brother. I tried to call Leah to discuss it with her, but she seemed less than willing." My mother's beautiful face frowned for a second before it brightened up. "But I hope that changes. I really want us to be on good terms."
"Me too, Mom. I'm sure she'll come around."
Jake snorted, his eloquent way of telling us he doubted it. I did too, but nobody had to tell my mom that. I shot a look at him and the corners of Dad's mouth twitched. So we were on to irritating facial tics then?
He frowned at my thought.
Well, you know what they say about eavesdroppers . . .
He mumbled something that sounded like 'Bella' at about the same time Mom asked Jake and I if we were hungry. I wasn't really, but obviously Jake was, so Mom danced into the kitchen and began stirring up a mixing bowl of eggs. Jake got up at followed her, his wolf-instincts always pointing him in the direction of food, and looked back and me to see if I was following. I waved him forward, and turned to look at my dad.
Instead of looking at me, he pretended to watch Uncle Emmett, who was making his way up the stairs, probably on his way to go irritate Alice (I would miss him), muttering happily to himself, "I am so wearing a fishing hat to that wedding . . ."
Dad – I started to think, but then Rosalie interrupted my train of thought with her victory cry as she triumphed over Jasper. Uncle Jasper just rolled his eyes and began to reset the chessboard.
Dad, why are you –
Ugh. I love Jacob, but he really does have the worst timing. I looked away so I wouldn't catch the facial tick that I'm sure was coming. I decided to give up – I'd try another time.
"Nessie, food's almost done! I'm not leaving you any if you don't hurry!"
"You sure enough will!" I heard mom scold and then a sharp sound and a "ouch" as I assume she hit him with something. A wooden spoon, by the sound of it.
I got up and touched my dad's cheek before I made my way into the kitchen, sending him a silent I love you. He caught my hand as I made to walk away and kissed it. "I love you, too," he whispered and I couldn't be mad at him anymore. Why did my family always do that?
I tried to ignore this thought as I consumed my two eggs to Jacobs eight. I really didn't care too much for the taste of most human food, but Grandpa Carlisle is all about "playing it safe" and making sure my "two contrasting halves stay cohesive" and a bunch of other medical stuff that basically amounts to I have to eat human food most of the time. I'm allowed to hunt about once or twice a month. My family usually hunts about that much, but my human half burns up a lot more energy for some reason, so if I was living entirely off of blood, I'd hunt much more often.
We were quiet while we ate because Jacob generally chokes when he tries to talk with that much food in his mouth, but he finished before me anyway.
"Are you gonna eat that?" He asked me when he was done.
"Yes," I said, even though I wasn't and already knew how this would end.
"Then why aren't you eating it?" He asked in a polite and curious tone I knew wouldn't last long.
"I am. Just because I'm not inhaling it –"
"I resent that," he interrupted quickly, pretending to look offended. "I do not inhale my food. I simply eat very quickly. It isn't my fault that your weak half-human eyes can't handle the speed."
"Oh, please," I snorted, but pushed my plate to him anyway.
"Fang 'oo," he said around a mouthful of eggs, which I imagine is an expression of gratitude in hungry wolf language.
He finished really quickly and put both our plates in the sink, before grabbing the gallon of milk from the refrigerator and drinking straight from it. Aunt Rose was always telling me not to drink after him when he did that for fear I'd get rabies. Hoping she wasn't watching, I took the jug when he offered and swallowed a few quick chugs before putting it back.
I heard her mutter from the living room, "Don't cry to me when you start foaming at the mouth. . ."
Jake did too and he barked with laughter.
"Well, of course, it's funny to you," I heard Aunt Rose's voice call. "You already foam at the mouth."
"Hey, Blondie," he called, and I already knew what was coming. "Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?"
"To get away from the werewolf stink," she shot back and groaned at what could only be one of Jasper's moves. And then to Dad, "D'you think that would work? A glass wall?"
"Nope," Jake answered unfazed as I rolled my eyes and placed our dishes in the dishwasher, trying to be nice to Grandma and save her some time. "To see what was on the other side. Ha!"
He cracked up for a bit at his own wit. I waited for him with my arms crossed and foot tapping, smiling not at his joke but his happiness. I thought I heard another air-nose sound from the living room.
I thought we were done with that?
Of course there was no reply.
"Are you ready?" Jacob asked me, offering his hand.
I had to reach up to take it. "Yeah. First Beach?"
"Sure," he said, as we walked at an almost human pace out the door.
"Bye!" We called together and then started cracking up.
A chorus of bye's came from the house (Alice's voice understandably absent, since she was not in her happy place), and one distinct, "Good bye,Renesmee."
Three guesses who.
As we made our way to the forest edge, there was the distinct sound of Alice's Gigantic Scary Wedding Book (that was mom's name for it) hitting the floor.
Remember, reviews are my crack and rehab is just too expensive.