Steptoe and Son

Episode 5


February 2009

Disclaimer: I do not own Steptoe and Son or claim to. All credit to the writers and the BBC. No copyright intended. Special credit to the actors who played the characters Harold and Albert, Harry H Corbett and Wilfrid Brambell.

Harold, was standing infront of his bedroom mirror, sorting out his tie, in very smart dress. He put on a blazer jacket, and walked down the stairs, where his father sat at the table. Harold out-stretched his arms and turned around.

"Well? How do I look?" he asked.

"Like the condemned man," replied Albert.

"Oh stop it! I aint going to prison, over the fact I parked the horse, where I shouldn't have...once or twice, and might have removed one or two, parking tickets and not paid them, purely out of principle of course. Besides, I have a lawyer," added Harold.

Albert looked shocked.

"A lawyer! How much is that going to cost you?" asked Albert.

Harold looked very unconcerned, and spoke in a normal, yet argumentative tone, as though it was a case of explaining the chicken and the egg theory.

"I don't care, I'm not going to court without legal aid. Then I'd be a condemned man," replied Harold.

"Got a name have you for this, money grabber, I mean lawyer?" asked Albert.

"Yeah. Ross Dean, sounds like he knows what he's doing, the card sounded good anyway, even if I did find it on the floor of the pub," replied Harold.

"Sounds like he's gonna be pulling, pounds out of your nose, if you ask me, and anywhere else he can get!. Last time you'll be there for a while," said Albert.

"Well I aint asking you am I?" shouted Harold.

"You'd be better off, paying the bleeding fines, than hiring a lawyer, if you are so confident that they won't, throw the book at you and put you in prison, why bother? You're scared!" replied Albert.

"Principle Pata! I'd rather get away, with paying the rotten, fines and pay someone else for helping me, than pay the fines, in the bleeding first place. I don't expect you to understand, you and your lack of knowledge of these...things, anyway, this isn't getting to court. I shall see you later, or not if like you said, they throw the book at me," added Harold.

"Better hadn't! I'm not paying your lawyer, especially if he's no good!" snapped Albert.

Harold rolled his eyes, then smiled sarcastically, in a way that made him look, quite mad and turned back to his father.

"Thank you, for your words of encouragement and your luck father," said Harold, sarcastically.

He put on his coat, and left the room. Albert looked at the door, and began to look concerned. He stood up slowly, got his own coat and decided to follow him, only to find Harold still in the hall. He turned around to him, just before he walked out.

"What do you think you're doing out here?" he asked.

"Going out, I fancied some sweets. Want some?" asked Albert.

"Liar! You were following me to court weren't you?" asked Harold, threateningly.

"Alright! Alright! I am worried about you! That's all! I want to be there, just incase," replied Albert.

"Tough! You can't go in dressed like that anyway, you grubby, little, man. You're stopping here, and I expect my tea on the table, when I get back, because I am coming back," added Harold.

"Oh alright then. Good luck son, don't take it from them," said Albert.

"If I start kicking off in court, I really will be arrested!" added Harold.

Harold finally left the house, and hid behind the gate. He heard the door open again, and when he saw Albert, he yelled, loudly. Albert put his hand to his heart, as Harold laughed uncontrollably and mocked him, struggling to stay on his feet.

"You! What did you go and do that for?" asked Albert, angrily.

"It's your own fault for not doing as you're told! Now for the last time, get your skinny rear end, back in that house, or my charges will be a lot more serious," threatened Harold.

He finally left, when Albert went back inside. He ran up the road, seeing a bus, that was going to stop where he was going.


Harold was waiting outside the court-room. He kept checking the clock, and looking around for his lawyer, when finally, a smart dressed woman, around thirty approached him.

"Mr. Steptoe?" she asked.

Harold looked at her.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Pleased to meet you..." she began.

"If you're expecting a deal, darling, you'll have to wait. I'm waiting for my lawyer," he said.

"Mr. Steptoe, I am your lawyer, Ross Dean, Ross, as in, Rosaline," she said.

Harold looked shocked. Ross, was very confident looking, smart and looked like, she knew what she was doing, but Harold, said nothing, which made her think that he had wasted her time.

"If there's a problem, I'm sure you can manage to defend yourself," she said.

"Problem? No, no...I only thought you would be male because of the name, you go by. It doesn't bother me, why would it?" asked Harold.

"Shall we?" she asked.

"Please," he said.

Harold entered the court room, more of a small room with three people, three men, all over a certain age of around fifty, who couldn't hide their laughter when she appeared, that was until she showed them her identity, with a smile.

"Ross Dean, I'm Mr. Steptoe's lawyer," she said.

"The Ross Dean? Ross a woman?" asked the man at the right.

"Looks that way doesn't it?" asked Harold.

" surprise us, dealing with a small matter of parking fines," added the middle man.

"Parking fines? A car, can park, but a horse cannot. Therefore, you shall find all charges and fines put to my client, totally irrelevant. Mr. Steptoe, owes you nothing," said Ross.

"Now see here..." began the man on the left.

"See? Very well, these laws you will find are all relevant to cars only, as is written here, here and here. Mr. Steptoe was within his rights, not to pay a fine, as there has been no crime committed," she said.

There was a pause. Harold looked amazed, he looked at Ross, then at the three men, who had clearly expected to squeeze every penny from him. They looked at the papers presented before them, then at each other, then at Ross, before finally Harold was addressed.

"It appears there has been a lawful error..."

"In that case, I shall claim my fee, from the prosecuting party. Unless you want me to argue a case against you for harassment, and stress as well, in which there is a possibility, compensation could be awarded," added Ross.

Harold looked hopeful, as the men looked quite scared. They cleared their throats and coughed. Harold lowered his voice.

"Nice one, you got them right by their short and curlies," he said.

"Miss Dean, step into our office, I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement. Wait there, Mr. Steptoe," ordered one man.

"Look here mush..." began Harold.

"Very well! I'm assuming you shall be paying by cheque?" asked Ross.

Harold looked amazed, as they all vanished into a side room.

"Wouldn't like to be her husband," he said.

As he waited, he heard a female voice, get louder and louder.

"I will not accept that! No! Certainly not!"

"Then again, she doesn't half know how to handle herself," added Harold.

"I am being reasonable! You however, are trying to bend the rules. Well I won't have it! I won't play ball! Forget it! That amount or I'll see you in a real court of law!"

There was another long silence. Harold jumped as the door opened, and Ross walked out of the room, like a woman on a mission. She shook Harold by the hand.

"That will be all Mr. Steptoe, on the rare chance I loose this battle, I'm afraid you might hear from me again. Good day sir," she said.

"Is that it?" he asked.

"Is what, what?" she asked.

Ross turned back to him, as she let go of his hand to walk away when she had finished speaking. Harold struggled to speak.

"The hearing I mean, I don't have to pay or anything?" he asked.

"Read my card," she replied.

Ross handed him her business card.

"Ross Dean, getting the best result, no matter who you are, where you are or what you have done," read Harold.

"Best case for you, was that you don't have to pay the fine. Of course if you're not happy, you can have me in court for false advertising," she said.

"Eh! Not likely! You just took on three higher ups, I aint taken you for anything, I'm not bright, but I aint suicidal!" cried Harold.

"If only the rest of my competitors thought like you," said Ross.

Harold laughed.

"You'd have a lot of work too, if that happened," he said.

"I don't know, you work with people every day, convince them to buy things. Our professions aren't that different, not really," she said.

They walked out of court together, only for their way to be blocked, by a very important looking man, in his late forties.

"Miss Dean? I have reason to believe, you weren't very cooperative in court today," he said.

"I'm not cooperative in any court, any day, as you well know, Scorpion," she replied.

"Venus flytrap, as ever. I'll face you again yet, don't you worry, I'll win then," said Scorpion.

He let them past and Harold, looked confused and bewildered by the whole conversation.

"What the bleeding heck was all that about?" he asked.

"Law is a man's world, Mr. Steptoe. I have invaded and others are following, plus I keep winning. Needless to say, I'm not a favourite among lawyers, because I'm the people's lawyer, and not just out for myself," replied Ross.

"That's a first...then again you are very different...not just because your a bird, obviously that is a big difference, but..." began Harold.

Harold was interrupted by the shouting of an old man, he rolled his eyes as he recognized the voice, the appearance and the person.

"Harold! Harold! They let you go! Oh thank God! Where's this fantastic fellow who got you off?" asked Albert.

Ross looked at Harold expectantly, but he looked uncomfortable at the thought of admitting, that the person who got him clearance, from the fines, was a woman.

"You just missed him..." began Harold.

Ross made a sound of protest, and hit him with her brief-case, before she walked away. Albert looked gob-smacked, as Harold doubled-over in pain.

"What did she do that for? Mad cow!" he snapped.

"Don't think she likes dishonesty, which is saying something for someone like her," hissed Harold.

"What do you mean?" asked Albert.

"Ross, was short for Rosaline! Ross Dean, was a woman, that woman. Not only is she a devil in court, but a devil with a brief case," replied Harold.

"You're lawyer was a bird!" laughed Albert.

"Oh shut up!" snapped Harold.

Eventually Albert calmed down, and frowned.

"Here! You can tackle her on assault!" he suggested.

"Oh yes, there's an idea, tackle my own lawyer! Dad! She won't be beaten, you didn't see her in there, she took on three, miserable faced, gits and not a hair out of place! Besides, I deserved it," added Harold.

"Too right!" snapped Albert.

"Aye?" asked Harold.

"Well! Lack of gratitude! No wonder she clouted you one!" replied Albert.

"You! Bleeding! Hypocrite!" shouted Harold.

He ran after his father, down the street, in the same direction as Ross had gone. Unfortunately, Albert caught up with her, and she followed them, shouting after Harold, who reacted badly to Albert's sudden change of views on women, especially as the particular woman, managed to catch up with them, and gave Albert her card, before she left them again, glaring at Harold, who did his best to defend himself.