Disclaimer: 'The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers' is copyrighted by Hearst Entertainment, Inc.
This is a work of fanfiction and I make no profit of it.
Author's Note: Consider this a belated Shrove Monday special.
originally published in 2002; re-published February 2009
It's five am, and a sudden alarm jolts the Galaxy Rangers awake.
"Series 5 Rangers. Assemble in my office. NOW," Commander Walsh bellows over the intercom.
Goose starts from a pleasant dream involving the arrest of Macross, a ride with Annie and a three-day pass off world; frustrated at being interrupted, he shoots his alarm clock.
Niko is startled from her levitation exercise and drops her alarm clock from the ceiling, where it was floating, to the floor three meters below, where it shatters.
Zach gratefully awakens from a nightmare about a tea party with the Queen of the Crown, Nimrod and his former English teacher. In his joy that it was only a nightmare, he hugs his alarm clock a little too tightly.
Doc bolts upright in his bed and mutters some creative profanities pertaining to the early hour. His sensitive alarm clock jumps off the bedside table in protest.
20 minutes later, the series five team has assembled in Walsh's office.
"This is why I called you," Walsh states gravely and points to the wall screen where the following message is displayed:
Dear fellow Interstellar Network users,
I offered this data crystal for sale on my website a few months ago, and here's what happened. I got threatened, nearly killed and lost my website because the data crystal contained information that is deemed illegal on certain League planets and can be used for terrorism, blackmail or spamming.
I provided the data crystal for educational purposes only, however.
As a firm believer in peace, democracy and free speech, I couldn't accept the ban of my data crystal. If you want to order the data crystal, you'll have to be fast, however. The Galaxy Rangers are already at my heels.
Why was the data crystal banned at all, you might ask. Well, decide for yourself.
-- Confidential information on anyone you might want to ruin, including your ex, your boss and the Galaxy Rangers.
-- Step-by-step manual how to get the degree of Emperor of the Galaxy for a small fee
-- A snapshot of the Interstellar Net
-- 100 tips how to legally avoid tax
-- 1000 tips how to illegally avoid tax
-- How to get a new credit record or a totally new identity, including free cosmetic surgery.
-- How to order free cable and banned substances
-- How to buy land on Tortuna at a bargain price
Furthermore, the data crystal contains:
-- 250 million email addresses of perfectly willing spam victims
-- Every cherry cake recipe ever written
-- A choice selection of Andorean fractal screensavers
-- The newest hit by Nimrod the Cat
-- Much, much more that I don't have time to list because the Galaxy Rangers are already knocking at my door
To order this fabulous CD for only 19.99 LMU (League Monetary Units), click below.
Fast. Before it's banned forever.
www honestbusiness com 123456789999999999
Finally, Zach speaks, "Sir, I understand that this form of advertisement is illegal under League Law no. 4678 b, but do you really think it is a case for the Galaxy Rangers?"
"Anyone stupid enough to believe that nonsense deserves to buy that data crystal," Goose snorts.
"This isn't about spamming," Walsh states gravely.
"It's a real threat."
"What – someone figured out a new miracle super compression algorithm to cram all that info onto one data crystal?" Doc asks, incredulous.
Walsh shakes his head with an air of superior concern.
"Those get-confidential-information hack programs really work and we are to get them before anyone else does?" Niko asks, worried.
"Shall we recruit or dispatch the hacker?" Goose asks with a side glance at Doc.
"No, it's worse."
Walsh sighs deeply, the weight of the universe's security bearing down on him heavily.
"This data crystal brainwashes everyone who is stupid enough to buy it into a Crown Agent. And Senator Whiner has ordered one."