Disclaimer: "NCIS" and its characters don't belong to me they belong to CBS and their owners and don't belong to me. Please don't sue because I have no money.
Author's note: This is a song fic, but since you can't put the lyrics on here you will have to find them. The song is Choices by Honey Ryder. You can listen to the song on Honey Ryder's myspace profile.
I found out that you were back and I knew that I had to go back and see you. I needed to see you. Even if I told you what I thought you wanted to hear at the elevator the day you tried to frame me for your father's murder. I was angry that day for what you tried to do and I said that. You let me in and then you moved to the window trying to put distance between us. You yelled at me and told me what you thought of me. I said that I was sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry for the hurt that I put you through. You deserved better. You had no idea what your father was capable of and I am so sorry you had to find out. I'm sorry for everything that I put you through and it wasn't even your fault. I couldn't stay there and you didn't want me there. I can't get your face that day I can't get it out of my mind and I know I'll carry it with me for a long time.
How long will I be feeling the guilt and feeling sorry for what I did to you? I don't know any of that. I hope it's soon because I'm getting so tired of pretending that everything is okay. I know it's part of my defense mechanism. I know that because I've been doing it for so long ever since I was a child until now. I don't want anybody to know the real Tony. Why do you think that I act immature and quote movie trivia? It's because I don't want anybody to know the real Tony. Nobody can see the hurt little boy Tony. After I finished with that particular op everyone said that time's a healer. I sure hope so. I really loved her. I fell for her and she really is a nice person even if her father isn't. When will I stop having feelings towards you?
When I accepted this OP I never knew that I would fall in love with you. I never thought about it other than trying to find your father and put him behind bars, but fall in love with you I did. I feel regret everytime I wake up and wonder if I would have done anything different? What would I have done? Could I have told you? Or would you still have hated me? I don't know and we will never know now. I know I have to work out what I need to do after this, but right now I can't.
I can't believe that it was six months the last time I saw you. It feels like it was only last week, but it wasn't. I can't get your face out of my mind that day. I kept on saying sorry to you, but you didn't want to hear it. I don't blame you. I would have felt the same way if someone did the same to me.
The pain of that day is still with me. I feel it everyday everytime I wake up. I hate it that it ended like this. I hate that you hate me for something that I did. I hate that I hurt you.
I know that I have to put it behind me. I have to because I need to be ready to do my job. I have to do my job the best that I can. I need to do my job. I have to get you out of mind and work this out, but I can't. Not now. Maybe later, but not now.