The Ace Attorney Guidebook

Disclaimer: I don't own the Ace Attorney series, but there's always hope, right?

Author's Note: May contain game spoilers, and I may add more chapters, as opposed to putting all the clichés on one page. Might separate them by game. I'll decide as I type. Be sure to review! Don't just favorite the story and put it on alert, okay?

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Rules of Prosecution

The "I Chose the Wrong Job" Rule-It's illegal to forge evidence, manipulate witnesses, and get in the way of the police at crime scenes…unless you're a prosecutor. Prosecutors can do anything and get away with it, including, but not limited to, whipping the judge, bludgeoning the defense with a coffee mug, and dressing inappropriately for court(You just know the judge would call it out if Phoenix or Apollo had ever come to court in an outfit like Klavier's!).

The "Aren't We on the Same Side?" Rule-The cops only ever want to help the prosecution. They don't care if you are at a disadvantage, since your client just has to be guilty. Even if the police and their staff hate the prosecutors, they still hesitate to help you.

The "Whatever Happened to the Good Old Days?" Rule-The law doesn't matter. Your client's innocence doesn't matter. The truth doesn't even matter. Only one thing matters: winning. If you don't win, death is the only option, and you will be forced to leave the country and angst, possibly in prison! D :

The "How Come That Never Works For Me?" Rule-The prosecution is always both cooler and better than you. There are no rookies in the prosecutor's office. Everyone is a prodigy, and there's no way you will beat them…or so they say. And even if you do beat them, no one will acknowledge it, least of all them. And you can't air-guitar, so don't even bother trying.

The "Most Important" Rule-You and everyone else in the world will never be as cool as Godot. Doesn't that suck?

The "Easier Than it Looks" Rule-The prosecutors are so much better than you, why don't you just do all the work for them? You do the cross-examinations, you point out the contradictions, and you uncover the true culprit…and hope for your sake it's not the prosecution(though it probably is).Don't expect to get the credit, though.

The "Numbers Seem Off" Rule-You're never too old to be a defense attorney, but you're never too young to be a prosecutor. Winston Payne became one at age two, but nobody remembers him.

The "Vengeance is Mine!" Rule-Revenge is the PERFECT reason to get into law. And we all know how prosecutors feel about perfection…

The "Right, But Not Wright" Rule-The prosecutor is always right. Always. Even when they're wrong.

The "Kook is a LIE" Rule-Winston who?

The "Don't You Just Want to Hug Me?" Rule-Angst is cool. The more a character suffers, the more people will like them…unless they're a defense attorney. The pain of a defense attorney is comic relief. Prosecutors can be total jerks, lie, cheat, and even kill, and the fans will still want to snuggle them…or make other characters snuggle them…

The "I'm Suddenly Glad I'm Not a Popular Character" Rule-The main prosecutor for each series is always romantically involved with the main detective in each series…in fanfiction, at least. Fanfic writers beware: If you ever travel to the Ace Attorney universe and meet your favorite characters, be on the lookout for a clueless Gumshoe and an Ema that's gonna beat you to a pulp with a bag of Snackoos(which she did NOT get from Klavier).

The "He's Cross-Examining More Than the Witness" Rule-The main prosecutor is not only dating the main detective, but he's also dating you.O_O Consider yourself lucky. You're now the envy of every fangirl...odds are you'll be dead by tomorrow, though. Watch your back.

The "I'm On Your Side, But I Want to Be By Theirs" Rule-Your assistant loves you dearly…but she loves the prosecutor more. She looks up to them, will defend them on murder charges, and thinks they are dreamy. Girls are interested in you, too, so don't worry too much about it and enjoy the company. It's not like they want to poison you. XD …….O_O

The "I Wish I Were the Victim Right About Now" Rule-The prosecutor is not your friend. Don't be fooled by that dazzling smile. He/She really hates your guts. You're going to be hurt by the end of the trial; perhaps more that once. If not by a barrage of insults, then by whips, coffee mugs, or some air-guitar playing that you know you could never pull off…

The "Exceptional" Rule-Most of these rules apply to all prosecutors…except Winston Payne. He should have just become a defense attorney. There'd be a bet amongst fans over whether or not he'll be a victim in the next game, but every time someone brings it up, no one can remember what his name was. Poor, um…guy.