Based on: "Something" by The Beatles
Summary: The thoughts of a man in love.
Oh God. Oh God. I can't believe this happened. One day I'm there and she's there and no one else is there and then we were talkin' and laughin' and I noticed how she's not the same girl that came to me in a cryo box naked…a form of hers I've come to appreciate very much. She's a woman now…the woman I'm in love with.
Now I've been in love before. Not like this. This is somethin' else, like an addiction. No, it can't be an addiction. This is worse than an addiction. More addictin' than anythin' could ever be. She's stronger than the strongest whiskey I ever drank and gets me drunker and she's sweeter than anythin' I've tasted…literal and figurative.
Watchin' her float around is nearly killin' me. I hate the mornin's. They are the worst. First off, she has to leave. Second off, I have to watch her leave. Third, she has to watch me watch her leave. It nearly kills us both. Fourth, if I'm in her bunk I have to leave. Fifth, she has to watch me leave. Sixth, I have to watch her watch me…you get the point.
She's such a mornin' person, which makes no gorram sense 'cause she's a night person too. The woman never runs outta energy. It's barely past four in the mornin'! Right now she's hummin' and dancin' 'round all angelic like, gatherin' her clothes and all. Oh that's another bad thing about morin's. She has to get dressed. I hate watchin' her milky skin disappear slowly underneath the fabric. Talk about torture. It makes my time with Niska seem like a paid vacation.
I never thought that just watchin' a woman move could make me feel this way. It's this ache deep down. I'm so attracted to her it's just nuts! This is worse than when Inara was around. I thought I had it bad for her, HA! That was nothin' but a school boy crush compared to this. River is different. She ain't like any other woman I've ever been with. Maybe that's why I love her so damn much.
And the way she comes over to me sometimes and runs her hand across my shoulders with that look in her eye…bitin' on her lower lip…oh Lord…it's too much! Her hand hasn't even left my back by the time I'm up and she's pressed against the bulkhead or somethin' and we're makin' out. We've pressed quite a few wrong buttons that way. Then she starts floatin' away and I'm followin' like some damn puppy dog. She has me trained alright. Scary thing is that I like it that way.
I don't want her to leave. I hate it. I want her to stay with me. I want her to be 'round me always. I crave her. I'm always makin' excuses to see her or have her come see me. Even just for a second or two. I don't want to leave her either 'cause I miss her too much when I'm gone. I can barely think for missin' her too much. I'm crazy. I have to be to be this wrapped up in someone else. It just don't seem right, lovin' someone this much.
Sorry, she smiled at me. Those smiles make me freeze up. Everythin' just stops. My heart, my breathin', my thoughts…
Okay, okay. I'm back.
I know all her smiles. My favorites are her mischievous smiles, her contented smiles, and her smiles that just say I love you. That's my favorite. Her I love you. This one was her, I know smile. In times like these, THAT is my favorite. It's like her I love you smile, only deeper.
She knows that I love her. There's no doubt. She knows everythin' about me, if I've said it or not. Reader, you know. I hope she knows that I don't need anyone else. I don't. She probably knows. She's probably listenin' in on everythin' I'm sayin' right now. Hey, River darlin', I love you.
She just smiled again. I think she heard me. Ugh, she's putting on her dress. Not only does that mean goodbye beautiful assassin's body 'till tonight (hopefully), but that means she's that much closer to leavin' me. Has to since we've been tryin' to be all quiet like with it. Only Zoe knows, but not on purpose. She walked in on us kissin' one time and just raised her eyebrows. She turned around with her hand in the air and said, "I ain't askin'. I ain't tellin'." Gotta love Zoe.
River just frowned. I think she heard that too. Not as much as I love you, baby. Okay, she just laughed. Great, now she's fixin' her hair. That means she's leavin' soon. Real soon. Just rip my heart out why don't you?
I wonder sometimes if I could ever love her any more than I already do. I don't know, 'cause I don't think it's possible. I just hope that I show her how much I really do. I mean, she hears it in my head and all, but hearin' it and feelin' it are two different things. I've never been an open person, but with her I can be. Don't take much. She can hear everythin' I think. That's a downside, 'specially if I happen to spot some nice lookin' lady planet-side. Got a punch to the gut for that once.
Ha-ha. She just muttered, "Serves you right." I s'ppose so. Won't happen again. Ha! She just said, "Better not." God, I love her. If she would just stick 'round a little while longer, I'll show her gorramit. I need her all the time. I can't escape my need for her. Even now I need her and she's just a few feet away. She makes me crazy (crazy for her) and stupid (stupid for her) and sad (to watch her go) and angry (that she has to go) and so happy so so so so happy. Happy. I forgot what that was. She reminded me.
She turned towards me with that smile again. If hadn't been sittin' on the bed I would have gone weak in the knees. 'Stead I just got butterflies. Just thinkin' 'bout her has gotten me all worked up and stupid again. Foolish. I'm s'pposed to be this tough captain and 'stead I'm this idiot in love.
Oh! And the things she shows me! She shows me how to be okay again, how to live, breathe, love, think, everythin'. After everythin' I was just a shell and she made me whole again. There I go, getting' all idiotic and in love again. I never want her to go. Never.
Oh Lord, she's walkin' over to me. She's pulling me to my feet. I love the feelin' I get when I'm holdin' her like I am now. It's the best feelin' in all the 'verses put together and then some. Wait. Damn. This means she has to go. No. no. no. no. no. noooo.
Wait, she shook her head. She said, "I can stay a bit longer." Thank you God. Thank you. If you do exist. Thank you. For her. For this. For just a bit longer. And hopefully, forever. She's grinning again…and kissing me. I love you, River Tam. I believe in this, in her.
You know I believe and how…
Thanks for reading! I had fun with this one. I did the best I could with the voice thing. I don't really do first person much. I love reviews. They make me smile my I love you smile. Much love!