Err... no idea what this is, actually. I wrote it a while back and stumbled on it and read it and was amused for some reason... and then I left it alone... and then I read it again and worried about the characterisations... and then I left it alone... and then I came back and I haven't read it this time, but I want it to stop staring at me so I'm uploading it. This makes no sense whatsoever and was initially the feeble cries of a depressed shipper mixed with some confusion about what I thought to be slight OOC-ness in the human!Doctor on Norway, melded together oddly and turned to something that tried to be humorous. I'm not going to pretend that it is anything even remotely worth reading, I just want it to stop staring at me. So go away. Or read it. Whatever.

Disclaimer: I'm very close to owning the latest Doctor Who font ("Deviant Strain"... and if I can get it, I would be happy to send it to anyone who wants it :) ), but am still depressingly far away from owning Doctor Who itself.


What happens when a Time Lord dies?

Oh, don't tell me he regenerates; he's not the same person then. It's not as simple as that and you know it. Now think about this— I know you can do it. What happens when a Time Lord dies?

Ah, don't have the answer to that, do you? Right, then. Answer this: what happens when a Time Lord's past incarnations, locked away in the dark, suddenly turn against him?

Don't know that either, do you? Would you like to know?



Walk, you git!

I am walking! It's not my fault I haven't had a proper body in centuries, is it? And anyway, this one's nothing like mine. When was the last time we were this skinny?



He meant eight years, you pillock.

Oh, that's nice. I love you too. And what if he'd said "seven"?


Shut up. He wasn't talking to you.

Don't bang into the bloody wall, you idiot!

Do you want to take over instead?

I might, actually. I haven't been dead as long as you. Might still remember how to move legs.

Would you like a jelly baby?

I would like our future self to stop being driven into walls!

Oh, well, if you're going to be that way about it...

I'd like one, thank you.

Shut up.

I think he's waking up.

Well, then knock him out again! Three, where are you?

What are— argh!

He's out.

Good. Now. One, Two and Three, you watch Ten, Four, get your scarf out of Six's mouth. Eight, stop that, that's not helping. I'll drive. The rest of you, just... shut up and get out of the way.

And who gave you the authority to order us about, young man?

Oi! I'm older than you!

You were only alive a couple of years. And he's been here since the beginning.


I think we're here.

The TARDIS boomed in agreement.

And now... Rassilon, he is skinny. How does he get around in this thing?

That's beyond me. Do you think that the other one's beginning to catch on?

He's human. The illusion won't break until we're completely separated.

"Fat lot of good this is, back of beyond. Bloody Norway!"

That woman's more frightening than anyone has any right to be.


"I'm gonna have to phone your father," continued Jackie to her daughter before turning back to the blue-clad Doctor. "He's on the nursery run. I was pregnant. Do you remember?"

Just what we need, a little Jackie clone...

Rose turned out all right, though.


He's awake again.


You were asked a question.


"Had a baby boy," said Jackie, oblivious to the Doctor's failure to answer the aforementioned question.

"Ah, brilliant," he said. "What'd you call him?"

Good one.






Um... what would he say to that?

I dunno.


Not sure about that.

Shut up.

"No, you plum. He's called Tony."

"Hold on," said Rose, and the Doctor turned to watch her. She was tense, the vague emotion coming off of her in waves which collided with the Time Lord's intensely focussed telepathic powers and unsettled all of him at once. "This is... the parallel universe, right?"

"You're back home," said the Doctor in brown.

"And the walls of the world are closing again, now that the reality bomb never happened," said Donna. "It's dimensional retroclosure."

The blue Doctor smiled.

"See, I really get that stuff now," she added.

"But... I spent all that time trying to find you, I'm not going back now!"

She says while we're right behind her.

Oh, shut up.

"But you've got to," said the Doctor, stepping forwards.


For once in our lives, I'm inclined to agree with you.

"'Cause we saved the universe, but at a cost. And the cost is him."

The Doctors' eyes met.

"He destroyed the Daleks. He committed genocide." There was a pause. "He's too dangerous to be left on his own."

What would he say? Quickly!

I don't know!

Someone say something! We haven't got all day!

"You made me!"

"Exactly," interrupted the brown Doctor. "You were born in battle, full of blood and anger and revenge."

His eyes turned to Rose. Her back was still to the Time Lord and they supposed that it was for the best; she, after all, knew him better than anyone else in the multiverse. She could probably tell what was happening just by looking at him.

"Remind you of someone?" asked the Doctor softly.

She looked away.

"That's me, when we first met. And you made me better."

And then I regenerated into a skinny jerk who doesn't even seem to want to hold on to Rose.

Oi! I think I resent that!

He's awake again.


"Now you can do the same for him."

"But he's not you," said Rose, voice shaking.

"He needs you," replied the Doctor. "That's very me."

Then why'd you come up with the idea to leave her behind on some godforsaken rock?

"But it's better than that, though," said Donna. "Don't you see what he's trying to give you?"

Clever girl. I like her.

One of very few things this one got right.

"Tell her, go on!"


Nine, that isn't helping.

Shut up.

Rose turned to face him.

Will someone make him say something?

"I look like him," he began. "I think like him. Same memories, same thoughts, same everything. Except I've only got one heart."

"Which means?" she prompted, a little hopelessly.

"I'm part human. Specifically, the ageing part."

She watched him.

"I'll grow old and never regenerate."

Oh, that's good. Lie to her.

If I say anything, anything at all, that gets him to figure out that this is all a trick, then everything will come crashing down.

"I've only got one life, Rose Tyler."

There was a pause. His hearts beat erratically.

"I could spend it with you," he said softly. "If you want."

"You'll... you'll grow old at the same time as me?" she inquired, hesitant. Thoughts pulsed from her; this was wrong, the Doctor wasn't supposed to be like this, he was supposed to... but...


She stepped forward, reached out for him.

Stop his heart!

I'm trying!

Boom-boom. Boom-boom.

The TARDIS roared, sounding ill, and Rose and the brown-clad Doctor faced each other again.

"We've got to go," he said. "This reality's sealing itself off. Forever."

He turned to leave. Rose hesitated, then ran after him.

"But it's still not right," she said. He glanced at her. "'Cause the Doctor's... still you."

"And I'm him," he replied, glancing at the Doctor.

"All right," she said, straightening. "Both of you, answer me this."

They stepped towards her.

"When I last stood on this beach on the worst day of my life," she began, looking at the Doctor, "what was the last thing you said to me?"

He was silent.

"Go on, say it!"

"I said 'Rose Tyler.'"

Good last words.


Leave him alone.

"Yeah, and how was that sentence gonna end?" she asked, a little sharply.

He swallowed. "Does it need saying?"

Of course it does!

Rose turned to the Time Lord. "And you, Doctor?" she inquired of him. "What was the end of that sentence?"

His one working heart fluttered spasmodically as he leaned forward, and every single incarnation closed his eyes and murmured the words that had haunted their thoughts since the day they were Loomed.

"We love you."

They leaned back again. Rose looked at them then, seriously looking for the first time, and they felt something in her mind snap into place as she made her decision.

She grabbed the lapels of their jacket, pulled them to her and kissed them, and they didn't try to escape. They held her close and they returned the gesture with more enthusiasm than she.

While they were thus distracted, the Doctor stepped into the TARDIS and flew away.

Time to go.




Because of the reason.


What the hell is going on?

He's up again.

THREE! Stop it! We don't want him asleep this time, you idiot!

No we don't. This is the most fun I've had in centuries.

I have to agree with me there.

Oh, just shut up.

Nine voices faded into the realm of unconsciousness as one surged forwards, and the Doctor gasped in sudden pain and fell over. Rose, who had unfortunately been relying on him to keep her upright, nearly crashed to the ground as well— and wouldn't have at all, had the Time Lord's current state managed to sink through the haze in her mind.

"Doctor?" she demanded of him, kneeling beside him.

"Agh," he said in reply, rolling on his side and curling up a little. He probably would have managed to get into a full foetal position had there not been a certain human in the way. "I've only got one heart working. Why have I only got one heart working?"

"Because you were only... umm... metacrisis-ed with one?" she informed him, frowning. He wasn't going mad as well, was he?

"Don't be daft, that was the other one..." There was a pause. His right heart started up again with a sharp jolt. The extra blood went into his brain... and then, suddenly, with a painful clarity, it all made sense.

If there had been another Gallifreyan on a beach in Norway in Pete's World at exactly 2.43 PM on 21 February, 2012, he would have been incredibly insulted.


...I think I need more tea...

Again, no, you don't have to tell me it's crap. I know this already. :)