Standard Disclaimer: We do not own Harry or Draco, which – in our opinions – is a damned shame. We're not making any money from writing this story (another shame). Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. The dirty parts belong to us!
A/N: About a third of our crazy questions were inspired by wizard rock songs. In the answers, below, we'll give you the name of the band and song, so you can look for it if you're interested. Much of this stuff is available on iTunes, and most of the bands have Myspace pages. That said….
Further Disclaimer: We are NOT trying to sell you wizard rock CDs. And we're not getting any kickbacks from the wrockers. We just love wizard rock and find the lyrics are often inspired and frequently hilarious, and when we tried to think of insane questions to ask, situations from wrock songs came to mind. Info on bands and songs is provided merely as a courtesy, not as an advertisement.
Yet Another Disclaimer: Please don't sue us, Vidal Sassoon or any of his family. We're just playing. We're sure that neither Hermione Granger nor Rita Skeeter were in any way responsible for the breakup of your marriage. (Here, the authors smile angelically….)
Chapter 12: In Case You Were Wondering…
From Chapter One: Summer
Will Draco regret turning Harry down?
Are you high?!?! Of course he regrets it. Wouldn't you? (You'll notice he made up for lost time later.)
Will Ginny tell Harry the baby she's carrying is really Dobby's love child?
Eventually, the truth will come out. During Ginny's sixth year, when the Death Eaters were in charge of Hogwarts and everything was frightening, Dobby went to the room of requirement seeking reassurance. Ginny, as a leader in the rebellion, was able to be strong for him, and pulled him into a comforting hug. House-elves, however, are quite short, and even though Ginny is not a tall girl, Dobby found his face pressed rather intimately into Ginny's bosom.
"Dobby likes Miss Ginnys chest bumps," he told her. "Dobby is thinking they is very soft and pointy. May Dobby be touching them?"
Well, one thing led to another. She never told anyone. She had no idea she was pregnant – house-elves have a 30-month gestation period. By the time our story ends, she is just starting to show, but she and everyone else just assumes that she has been eating too much. (In fact, her appetite has become ravenous, as she is now eating for 2, and it takes a lot of energy to feed all the magical power in a house-elf fetus.) The medi-witch who performs the pre-season physicals before Ginny's second year of playing for the Holyhead Harpies will correctly diagnose the pregnancy. By then, of course, Ginny and Harry are no longer together as a couple, though they have repaired their friendship. When she gives birth to a house-elf with Dobby's distinctive nose, she comes clean about what happened so long ago. Harry is thrilled, actually, to have some part of Dobby back in his life. He showers the young elf with attention and acts as a father figure for her.
Will the secret of Hermione's heritage ever be uncovered?
As it turns out, Hermione is really the daughter of Rita Skeeter and Vidal Sassoon. The two had a brief, passionate fling. Rita purposefully flubbed the contraceptive charm, hoping to trap the handsome and wealthy hairstylist into ending his marriage and marrying her. She did conceive, but Sassoon refused to leave his wife. Rita gave Hermione up for adoption shortly after the birth. Ironically, Sassoon's marriage ended a year later when his wife proved unfaithful, but he never went back to Rita.
Hermione's parents never told her she was adopted. Rita Skeeter never realized that the girl she slandered during Harry's fourth year was her own daughter. Hermione never knew that the beetle she trapped in the jar was her mother.
Ethics, it seems, must come more from nurture than from nature. The Grangers raised a daughter who usually followed the Golden Rule, unlike her birth mother, with her generally rather loose moral code.
Really, it's too bad that Sassoon never knew about Hermione. He would certainly have tamed the girl's bushy 'do long before the Yule Ball.
From Chapter Two: Fall
Will the guard walk in to find our heroes in a compromising position?
Well, you read the next chapter, so you know already that no guard did walk in on them. What you may not know is that Harry secretly hoped that they would be walked in on – he has a very naughty exhibitionist streak.
Will George find out that Charlie's not a natural redhead?
First of all, props to Jarrod, the wizard rock band Gred and Forge, who wrote the fabulous song "Brotherly Love" which first posed this possibility. It's on the Siriusly Smiling CD which can be found on iTunes.
Now, to answer the question. Actually, it's Fred AND George that find out that Charlie's not a natural redhead. Reader and reviewer NJFerrell tells us that Charlie is really blond, and has been dying his hair ginger his whole life to keep his mother's secret. Molly once had an affair with Abraxas Malfoy, Lucius's father. We have encouraged NJFerrell to write her elaborate story and post it on for all of us to enjoy.
The question NJFerrell did not answer is HOW Fred and George made such a discovery. The song Brotherly Love gives us one possible answer. Our alternative answer: When Charlie came home from Romania in advance of Bill and Fleur's wedding, he went shopping on Diagon Alley to find a wedding present for the happy couple. He stopped in at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes to visit his brothers. The twins suggested he browse their back room, the Adults Only section, which housed several of the more personal Wonder Witch products and the new Masculine Marvels line. They offered him a free sample of Madame Chatterley's Chocolate Love Dust (see Felena1971's story "Whatever the Birthday Boy Wishes" for a full account of the effects of this incredible product). He wanted to test it right away, so the three slipped upstairs to the twins' flat so they could give it a proper demo. As soon as Charlie dropped his pants, Fred and George noticed that Charlie's carpeting didn't match his drapes, and they had some serious questions for him.
Will Hagrid teach Grawp to knit sweaters?
Due to the unfortunate size of his fingers, Grawp never developed the necessary manual dexterity for the knit one purl two pattern required for making sleeves. Instead he is forced to spend his days knitting the scarves for incoming Hogwarts first years.
From Chapter Three: Falling Further
Will Harry and Draco ever look at the décor of Grimmauld Place?
Yes, they did. Draco deemed the kitchen table, a desk, all the beds, a couch, a settee, and an ottoman all fabulous - particularly when adorned with a naked Harry Potter moaning out his name. Although they all needed a thorough cleaning following the tour, and two items needed to be repaired.
Will Draco help the St. Mungo's Healers discover a cure for Marietta Edgecombe's pimples?
No. However, one of the Healers does, eventually (and without Draco's help) invent a potion that turns the pimples into facial hair. This is a vast improvement – so long as Marietta shaves carefully every morning and applies a thick coat of powder, she can go out without her balaclava. However, by dinnertime, she must go home for the day or find a private place to shave again, as she begins to sport a 5 o'clock shadow that spells out the word "sneak."
Will Tonks join Remus and the Whomping Willow for a "treesome"?
Again, special thanks to our friend Tonksadora for letting us use her idea of a treesome. Also major props to Matt, of the wizard rock band The Whomping Willows, who regularly sings about a romantic relationship between the tree and the werewolf. You can find Matt's songs on iTunes. The sexiest of these, in IJDTW's opinion is "Crawl Through My Treehole," though the catchy "Hey Remus" and humorous "When You Touched Me in that Special Place" are also good examples.
Now to the question: yes, in fact, Tonks will do just that. Whompy will do his best to be gentle with his lovers, but gentle for the Whomping Willow is still pretty hardcore. Let's just say it's a good thing that both Remus and Tonks like it rough.
It was a moonlit night over the summer, just a couple of months after Dumbledore's death. The school was mostly deserted, so there was very little chance of anyone seeing their sexual experimentation. All three were still deeply affected by the loss of the Headmaster. Their bold and unconventional relationship helped them to feel alive again.
"Oh, Whompy," said Remus. "It's been so long since I've been in your treehole." He shuddered in anticipation.
The Ministry of Magic has deleted the rest of this answer, having deemed it unsuitable for public consumption. Please go read a nice K+ story – something fluffy and funny – and forget this whole scenario.
Junior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic
From Chapter Four: Fallen
Will Draco move into Grimmauld Place with Harry?
Of course he did. How else would he have earned his fabulous new title "The Pouf Who Lived With Him"? Needless to say, Harry and Draco have been very happy living together.
Kreacher, however, has mixed feelings about the new living arrangements. He has always had a soft spot for Draco ("Master Malfoy moves with a nobility that befits his pure blood," croaked Kreacher at once. "His features recall the fine bones of my mistress and his manners are those of – " [HBP page 451]). Even so, he is uncomfortable seeing Draco in certain… situations. He has now developed a habit of appearing with his eyes clamped firmly shut when he is summoned.
Will Blaise Zabini become America's Next Top Model?
No, in fact, he becomes Britain's Next Top Model (special thanks to Idina Malfoy for pointing this out!). He also becomes an actor, and wins a BAFTA award for Best Actor in a Leading Role for his portrayal of the character Benjamin Braddock in a British remake of The Graduate. (Special thanks also to Silver Zabini for constantly answering our questions about British culture.)
Will Ginny Weasley be elected Hogwarts's first ever Homecoming Queen?
No, Ginny lost out on that honor to Dottie the house elf. She did, however, win the following auspicious titles:
Most Likely To Sleep Her Way To The Top.
Most Likely To Sleep With An Entire Quidditch Team
Most Likely To Have A Venereal Disease Named After Her
Most Likely To Screw The Giant Squid (he's so....BENDY)
Most Attractive Display Of Ankles Behind Ears.
From Chapter Five: Winter
Will Harry and Draco make up?
Well, yes. If you read this far, you know that they did make up. And then make out. A lot. In fact, the making up turned out to be so much fun that Draco now purposefully irritates the hell out of Harry on a regular basis, just so that they can have make-up sex more often.
Will Moaning Myrtle have to call Orkin to get rid of the Nargles in her mistletoe?
We love the wizard rock band The Moaning Myrtles. This question was inspired by the song Nargles in the Mistletoe which is available on iTunes (it's on the Jingle Spells 2 CD). Myrtle is at Slughorn's Christmas party, and overhears Luna Lovegood talking about Nargles in the mistletoe. Myrtle assumes the Nargles are the reason why no boy has yet kissed her, even though she's been hanging out under the mistletoe all night. Part of the answer to this question, however, is inspired by another Moaning Myrtles song, "Sitting on the Toilet" on the Toilet Humor CD (also available on iTunes).
Our question deals with how Myrtle will get rid of the beasts. Once she has exhausted her own resources, she realizes she needs to call in some kind of pest control expert. She remembers the Orkin man who used to come fumigate her childhood home whenever her beloved kittie brought home fleas. Certainly he would be able to get rid of the Nargles! But… how to reach him? You can't just send a message via owl post to a Muggle exterminator. (The authors would like to remind everyone that by "Muggle exterminator" we mean a Muggle who specializes in exterminating household pests, NOT an evil wizard who specializes in exterminating Muggles.)
Myrtle needs a telephone. But beyond that, she needs fingers that can DIAL a telephone, instead of passing right through the damned thing.
"Harry," she says, popping up in the bathroom in the 6th year boys' dormitory in Gryffindor tower as our hero is brushing his teeth. "I need you to do a little favor for me."
Startled, Harry drops his toothbrush into the sink and yelps. "Myrtle," he pants, as soon as he is able to speak. "You… you don't come here often, do you?" He thanks Merlin he sleeps in his pajamas, instead of just in a pair of boxers like Dean Thomas does.
Myrtle sidles up to him, giving him a chill. "I could spend more time here, if you want me to… You know I'm especially fond of you, Harry."
"That's… lovely," says Harry. "Er… what are you doing here?"
"I need to make a telephone call, Harry. And I can't do it without help. I need a telephone, and someone who can dial it. Would you make a telephone call for me when you go home for the holidays?"
Harry goggles at Myrtle. "Why on earth do you need to make a telephone call, Myrtle?"
Myrtle explains to Harry all about the Nargles in the Mistletoe keeping the boys away, and how she thinks the Orkin man can help.
"Calling Orkin won't help, Myrtle," he says. "How would the bloke get in here anyway, to spray? Muggles can't even SEE Hogwarts."
Looking more dejected than ever – if that's possible – Myrtle picks forlornly at a spot on her chin. "I guess there's no hope then," she whines. "No one will ever kiss me."
Blame it on the butterbeer. Blame it on the eggnog. Blame it on Wrackspurts. Blame it on whatever you like. Harry feels a surge of pity for poor Myrtle, accompanied by an unfortunate sense of Yuletide generosity. "I'll kiss you, Myrtle," he says. "A Happy Christmas kiss between friends."
Behind her glasses, Myrtle's eyes brighten. "Oh, Harry," she says. "I always knew you would come around!"
Now thinking better of his rash offer, Harry winces, but won't back down from his word. He puckers up, and leans forward as Myrtle glides ever closer…. But instead of feeling her lips, he just feels coldness envelop his face. His lips have gone right through her.
"Nooooo!" Myrtle wails more loudly than Harry has ever heard her wail before, and then dives headfirst into the toilet, splashing water all over the place.
Ron rushes in to find the watery mess and a bemused Harry. "You all right, mate? What happened? Was that… a girl's voice?"
"You don't want to know," answers Harry. "Trust me."
Will Winky join Butterbeer Addicts Anonymous and get the help she needs?
Yes, thankfully, she does. After the war, she goes to BAA, and gets herself sober. A year later, she hits the talk-show circuit with her tell-all book about the seedy underside of the Hogwarts kitchens, "Of Omelets and Oppression."
From Chapter Six: Spring
What lengths will Molly go to win tickets for the next Celestina Warbeck concert?
Molly proves that she is willing to go to great lengths to attend Celestina's next show. Though George never knew it, Molly has long been aware of his secret stash of prank-pulling materials, and she nips a bit of Polyjuice Potion from his old room at the Burrow. Then, Disillusioned, she sneaks into the apartment of the music reviewer for Witch Weekly, stuns the woman, plucks one of her hairs, and adds it to the potion.
Her disguise works perfectly – she is ushered past the long line of concert-goers, and given backstage privileges. On a whim, Molly darts into Celestina's dressing room just before the show, hoping to nick a tiny souvenir. Maybe a tube of lipstick, in Celestina's signature coral. But the dressing room is… Molly can't even put a name to the level of mess that assaults her. It is like nothing she's ever seen, and she raised six boys!
Instinct takes over. Unable to stop herself, Molly starts cleaning. And keeps cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. Her Polyjuice, of course, wears off while she is distracted. She gets nabbed by security, and busted.
Witch Weekly is rather upset with her, as is (as you might well imagine) the REAL music reviewer. Molly gets out of trouble by promising to write a weekly column, "Helpful Hints for Busy Witches."
Celestina Warbeck is initially incensed to find out a fan has broken into her dressing room, but when she sees how clean it is, and learns what Molly has done just to get into the concert, she is so charmed that she gives Molly VIP treatment and backstage passes to all the rest of the shows on her tour.
Will the Giant Squid find his long lost twin brother?
Yes, he does find his twin brother, Hank, in prison. At first he is overjoyed to find his sibling, but when he learns that his ex-girlfriend, Melissa, left him for Hank, he flies into a rage. Hank is, for the first time, happy to be in prison: as long as he is incarcerated, he is safe from the Giant Squidstravaganza's wrath. You can hear all about the story on the Giant Squidstravaganza's double-CD set "Death to Humans" which includes several episodes of "Days in Our Lake" as well as some pretty fun songs.
Will Andromeda lock Harry and Draco into a room together, and if so, will they ever want to come out?
Andromeda didn't have to lock them into a room together, because Harry was kidnapped, Draco came riding in on his white horse and rescued him, there was a declaration of love, a bath, some sex, some food, some more sex, a plan to move in, some more sex, a plan to expand their "family," a couple of confessions, some more sex, some very public smooching, some shopping…. Well. You read it, right?
However, Harry and Draco frequently lock themselves into a room, cast a silencing charm, and have a lovely time together. And no, once they get going, they don't ever want to come out, but alas – eventually they get hungry.
From Chapter Seven: Summer Scorcher
Will Narcissa try to set Draco up with any more of her "friends"?
Now that Draco is happily involved with Harry, Narcissa is left with nothing to do. She decides to concentrate her attentions on finding a lover for Pieter and ends up hooking him up with Seamus Finnigan.
Will Ginny Weasley autograph Millicent Bullstrode's breasts?
No. She autographs Millicent Bullstrode's arse.
Is Blaise really sleeping with Pansy's parents?
He is. Pansy thinks the whole thing is a running joke, just Blaisey being outrageous as usual, which means Blaise can talk all he wants about how much he enjoys fucking her father up the arse and all the does is laugh: "Oh Blaise, you're such wicked, wicked little tease!"
From Chapter Eight: Fall into Winter
Will Kingsley go along with Draco's plan?
That depends on which plan you mean. Did Kingsley go along with Draco's plan to rescue Harry? Absolutely. (You did read the story didn't you?)
Did Kingsley go along with Draco's plans for what he wanted to do with Harry after the rescue? As we've said, Harry is a bit of an exhibitionist. About a week after the rescue, Draco and Harry went to the Ministry so that Harry could turn in his letter of resignation. Draco, wanting to do something really special for Harry, pulled Kingsley aside and asked if he would consent to being an audience while Harry made love to Draco. This plan, however, Kingsley could not support. Draco is still looking for someone to serve as that audience. Any takers?
Will Hermione learn who switched her Sleek-eeze's for Lady Carlee's Curling Cream?
Sadly, no one has yet learned who pulled this cruel prank. The unwitting Hermione applied the cream to her hair the morning of her first day of work at the Ministry, and had no time to repair the damage or replace her Sleek-eeze without being late to work. She conjured a hat, jammed her hair up into it, and stalked out of her flat. A Witch Weekly reporter stopped her on her way to work to ask about her sudden new fashion sense (everyone knew by then about Hermione's attempts to knit hats for house-elves – was it a political statement of some type?). Hermione, rather high strung when under stress, drew her wand and ran away, screaming, "I don't want to talk about it!"
Will Firenze be appointed the next sex-ed teacher at Hogwarts?
He did briefly hold the post. Madam Pomfrey worked so hard to heal so many after the war that she asked Headmistress McGonagall for a one year sabbatical. Her request was granted immediately. Firenze stepped in as her substitute to teach sex-ed to the first years. But McGonagall received so many complaints that the students were only learning how to have sex "centaur-style" that he was removed from the post. Everyone was glad to see Madam Pomfrey back in the Hospital Wing the following year, for oh, so many reasons.
(This question and answer were both inspired by the song "An Entering Hogwarts First Year Expresses His Concerns" by the Mudbloods, and featured on the Siriusly Smiling album.)
From Chapter Nine: Sprung
Will Ginny put bulbadox powder in all of Harry's boxer shorts?
Yes, Ginny does put bulbadox powder in all of Harry's undergarments. Luckily, Draco prefers Harry to go "commando" and vanished all of Harry's boxers before Harry ever came in contact with the irritating stuff.
Will Pansy Parkinson help Draco and Harry pick out their china pattern?
Actually, Draco and Harry don't need any help, because they aren't picking a china pattern. They are both happy to Sirius's old china (formerly Walburga's), with the Black family crest emblazoned on it.
She does, however, insist on tagging along for their honeymoon. She claims she just wants to make sure they cast their sunscreen charms properly, but Draco suspects it has more to do with lovely monogrammed black leather whip and collar they received as an anonymous wedding gift. Harry, predictably, goes along with the ruse with a not-terribly-convincing innocent smile.
Will Neville Longbottom be the next contestant on Dancing with the Stars?
Neville does become a contestant on DWTS, and is a fan favorite. However, he's unable to continue because he's too shy to look at his partner Edyta Śliwińska in her costumes (or, perhaps more accurately, her lack thereof) and is therefore unable to continue past week one.
From Chapter Ten: Renewal
Will Harry and Draco adopt Teddy and make their own version of "My Two Dads"?
Well, not exactly. Harry was familiar with the show, as it ran until shortly before he went off to Hogwarts. Indeed, he may have gotten some of his ideas about what it means to be a father from watching the weekly struggles of Michael and Joey as they raised Nicole. Michael and Joey, however, were not in love with each other, as Harry and Draco are, and definitely didn't have to worry about warding their bedroom door and putting up silencing charms so that Nicole didn't walk in to find one of them pounding the other into the mattress and chanting his lover's name like a mantra.
Will Millicent Bulstrode finally give in and go out with Justin Finch-Fletchley?
Eventually, yes, she does. He adores her, everything about her, including her heavy, aggressive jaw. She turns him down repeatedly until he happens to run into her at PetSmart picking up more catnip for her cat. He strokes her pussy so tenderly that finally… she can't say no any longer. Anyone who can make her pussy purr like that deserves to be given a chance. (Our version has a happier ending than the song "Miss Bulstrode" by Justin Finch-Fletchley and the Sugar Quills, featured on the Siriusly Smiling album, in which Millicent turns down his pleas with a throaty – and deep – "Sorry, JFF, you're just not my type.")
Will Seamus Finnigan find appreciation for his one-"man" drag show outside the Gryffindor common room?
Seamus enjoys terrific success with his act, until Narcissa hooks him up with the delectable Pieter. Once he meets that tasty hunk of man flesh, getting Seamus out of the bedroom, much less the house, proves nigh-on impossible.
A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing! We've loved sharing this story with you! If you like our style and haven't got us on Author Alert yet, do it now so you'll get notice when we start another project.