A/N: This is the third and final installment of this crack fic. A little background just in case you're not familiar with the Coyote 'verse. Crow Mother is the head of all kachinas. Bear is a kachina who just happens to look exactly like actor Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile. Kachinas are supernatural entities that influence the natural world. The kiva is Coyote Kiva – Iskiva – near Oraibi at Hopi. It's a place where spirits and kachinas and tricksters gather. I also put in one of my favorite bits from "Hancock." It's the return of tiger!Dean, and "Sam Padalecki" is the alias Coyote used in "Zen and The Art of Throwing Cows At Tricksters."
And here's the obligatory Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, or any of the other characters and corporations that are mentioned in this fic. This is for entertainment only, not profit.
Chapter 3 – tastes like chicken
"Well, well. Look what the coyote dragged in."
"Shut the hell up, Rabbit. I need to crash here for a while."
"No need to get salty with me, mutt. That temper of yours is the reason we broke up in the first place. What I ever saw in your boorish ass is beyond me."
"If memory serves me correctly, I ditched you. They always told me never sleep with anyone crazier than me. And they were right."
"Well, uh, I'm afraid there's no more room here in the kiva, Old Man. Don't think you're gonna find any Impalas around here to hump, anyway."
"What? Who told you?"
"That baby's got back? Old Man, everybody knows."
"My homeboys tried to warn me, but that butt you got—"
"SHUT. THE HELL. UP. NOW."
"And what the hell do you mean the kiva is booked solid? This place is infinite, remember?"
"Something's come up."
"What the hell? What are these damn elves doin' here?"
"Uh, they're friends of mine. I invited them over."
"You what? Crow Mother's out of town, isn't she? That's the only way you'd ever have the nerve enough to pull crap like this. Let me get this straight. I'm the founding father of this place, and I can't get a room, but you let the Keebler elves crash here all they want?"
"Crow Mother left me in charge, and they can stay because I say they can."
"I don't give a damn if they shoot rainbows and stardust out of their asses. I want them gone and I want them gone NOW!"
"Here now, you mangy mutt. What's all the fuss about?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Ernie. Head Elf, asshole."
"Away with you, you flea bitten asshole."
"Call me an asshole one more time."
"Dude, Coyote just ate Ernie!"
"Gee, what do you know. They don't taste like cookies. They taste like chicken. Uncommonly good."
"Bet I can't eat just one."
"Now see here, Old Man, that's a different company altogether."
"Yep. And there goes Buckets, and Fast Eddie, and Doc…"
"Son, you're gonna rust the Impala out with all that rain. Put the storm cloud away, son."
"I think it's time for us to have a talk."
"Son, I know you're upset, and I know what Coyote did to the car. Thing is….you gotta forgive him. He's one of us."
"Dean, hear me out. It was a stupid, dumb ass move. I'm not denying that, but I think you oughta cut the Old Man a break. Just a little fatherly advice, son. "
"I'll…think about it."
"Now I'm not saying you shouldn't mess with him a little. That's what family's for. But whatever you decide, it's up to you."
"And just so you know, I'll never look at that right rear bumper quite the same way again."
"Dad, you're not helping…"
"I know. This isn't Leave It To Beaver, kiddo."
"Uh, I brought beer."
"What, no Ambrosia, huh?"
"Nah. Just premium beer. Hey look, I heard about the Old Man. And…what he did to your car."
"You heard? What, is there a webcam is something set up around here?"
"A virtual newsletter. Real time. Updated hourly."
"We…we're on line?"
" Yeah. We get articles from the demon newsletter sometimes too. Your family has its own webpage."
"You okay, kid?"
"I don't get it. I already told him that I wuvved ---loved him."
"You did? Damn. I woulda bought him a Hallmark card and called it a day. Look, kid, don't be so hard on the old fool, alright? Nobody's ever hung around him this long. I mean nobody. Well, I gotta go. Disney Corporation's breaking ground on a new theme park in New Mexico. I gotta convince them it's a bad idea."
"You're gonna screw with the Mouse? Dude, good luck with that."
"No prob, Bob. I'm not the one that's gonna need it."
"Finally came slinking back, huh?"
"Uh…yeah. Hey, look, niño, I'm… I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make it up to you."
"I don't know. You violated the Impala. Wish I could get that image outta my head."
"No more Ambrosia. I'm quitting cold turkey. I'll make it up to you somehow."
"Yeah? You think the only way you can make up for this is by bribing me with some big gift, huh?"
"Yeah. Is it working?"
"Hell no. What'd you have in mind anyway?"
"I got nothin'. I can find something, though…hold on, I got to take this."
"Dude, where the hell did that cell phone come from?"
"Hello? Yeah, this is Sam Padalecki. Oh, hi, Anne. What's up? Uh huh. Photoshoot huh? PETA? I'll have to get back with you on that. Call you right back."
"That was Anne Tyler. The photographer from America's Top Model, remember? PETA's doing a photoshoot. 'Fur is murder' kind of thing. You were the first and only personable large fur-bearing critter Anne thought of. They can shoot it tomorrow."
"She wants you. Well, tiger!Dean to pose. You'd have to shape shift again."
"You'd be posing with Jessica Alba, Charlize Theron, and Megan Fox."
"Still not interested."
"Playing hardball, huh, kid? They'll be in the nude, using you as a cover."
"What the hell are we standing around here for? Let's go!"
"Damn. You lasted longer than I thought you would. You shifted into that white tiger pretty damn quick, grasshopper."
"I'm a professional. It's a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it."
"So. We good?"
"Yeah. We're good. And if you ever touch my girl like that again you'll be singing soprano."
"You set that up, didn't you?"
"I was hoping she'd call."
"Okay, lemme shift back and go tell Sam and Bobby we're…wait a minute. Is that Jessica Rabbit on the porch with Dad?"
"Yep. Damn Rabbit."
"Trickster. Things got a little ugly at the kiva. Now she's tryin' to mess me up here at home."
"Jessica Rabbit is a trickster?"
"Jessica Rabbit is also Bugs Bunny, Why d'ya think that she and Roger Rabbit divorced? She -- he -- played both sides of the fence. Roger ain't as open-minded as some folks."
"Damn. And dad's goin for her, too!"
"What man wouldn't?"
"Not on my watch. Hey!"
From the Wacky and Weird files on TMZ:
Rumor has it that the long-awaited sequels to "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and "Space Jam" has been put on hold again, due to the disappearance of Jessica Rabbit and Bugs Bunny. Studio executives declined to comment.
I appreciate everyone who's read and reviewed, who put this on their story/author alerts, and who lurked. We all share the blame for this story equally. Thank you all!