A/N: Dedicated to my fifteen year-old daughter, Rebecca. This silly little story came from a trip we took to the mall.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
The Lust of Harry Potter
8 September 1996
The pain settled just behind his eyes. It was a constant pressure that peaked at times, driving a white-hot spike of pain deep into his brain. No Occulmency, spell, or potion managed to do more than blunt the pain for short periods of time. Short periods of relief occurred during the nights but even in his sleep he was woken by sudden shocks of pain.
It was intolerable. Something had to be done!
Lucious Malfoy scurried out of the crowd of surrounding Death Eaters to kneel before his Lord. "Yes, My Lord?"
The Dark Lord glared down at the blond Death Eater. "Send a message to that waste of a son of yours! I demand to know what Potter is doing that is causing me so much pain!"
"Yes, My Lord!" Lucious agreed. He hesitated for a second before saying, "About the attack on the Muggle village, I have selected…"
"CRUCIO!" Voldemort roared as he pointed his wand at the pureblood idiot. "Do what I told you at once!" The other Death Eaters in the hall winced as the spell hit Malfoy. None of the Dark Lord's followers felt any real loyalty to each other. They were too much competitors for the Dark Lord's favour and power for anything as Hufflepuff as loyalty. However, even Avery and Bellatrix felt twinges of sympathy for the power of the Crucio cast on Malfoy.
"Y-yes, My Lord," Malfoy gibbered as he dragged himself away from the Dark Lord's dais.
He was about to curse the stupid arse again when Voldemort suddenly grabbed his head and swallowed a shriek of pain as the pain levels spiked and held for several seconds. When the spike dropped down, Malfoy was gone.
Voldemort, once known as Tom Riddle, dropped into his throne-like chair gasping for breath. "Damn you Potter," he muttered. "What are you up to?"
It was a nervous, pale Lucious Malfoy that returned to Voldemort's chamber bearing a parchment scroll in his hand the next day.
"Well?" Voldemort demanded. "What did the little ponce have to say?"
"It does not appear that the source of the pain is Potter, My Lord," the Death Eater stated. "Nothing in my son's letter indicates Potter is even aware of your … circumstances."
"Read the letter," Riddle growled as he fought the impulse to Crucio the smug bastard again.
With a brief nod, Malfoy unrolled the scroll and started to read aloud.
I have done as Our Lord has commanded and utilized my resources to monitor all of Potters activities without his knowledge. Potter is too stupid with his blood traitor and mudblood friends to pay proper attention to his surroundings. I assure you he was unaware of our watch.
"That means Potter proofread the letter before the showing the twit how to tie it to an owl," one of the Death Eaters behind Malfoy muttered.
Lucious resisted the urge to turn as he continued reading.
Having received your letter at lunch, we followed Potter to Charms class. The class was working on advanced shield charms. Potter spent most of his time staring at Padma Patil's chest. Flitwick took five points away for his lack of attention.
Next the Gryffindors went to Herbology with the Puffs. Potter spent the class ogling Rebecca Moon's bum every time she bent over to work with the plants.
Malfoy paused in his reading and muttered, "Moon's bum? That's almost redundant."
"He is ogling my little girl?" a voice growled from among the Death Eaters. The crowd parted as an unmasked Richard Moon stalked forward. Rebecca Moon's father was a reluctant DE, recruited more for his business skills then his combat skills. He wasn't even a true Pureblood. But even Bellatrix backed away respectfully from the look in his eyes.
"My Lord, say the word and I'll kill the little bastard for you!" Moon stated in a deadly calm voice.
Riddle motioned for Moon to wait. "Keep reading," Voldemort told Malfoy.
Malfoy pulled his eyes away from the smouldering Moon. He nodded briefly at the Dark Lord and started to read again.
In potions class, Professor Slughorn kept Potter off balance with his sucking up to Potter's ego. Potter blamed me for causing his potion to fail but it was because he was too busy mentally undressing Greengrass to put the Milph Sap into the potion at the proper time.
At dinner, Potter split his time trying to chat up the mudblood Granger and the female Weasel. Ineffectively I might add. He has nothing of the subtle graces of a Pureblood Slytherin, such as me, in his attempts.
Malfoy ignored the open snorts as he continued reading.
During the Gryffindor Quidditch practice, Potter stayed close to the ground as he looked for the snitch. Oddly, the snitch seemed to stay under where the Gryffindor chasers were practicing their passing drills and shooting on their pathetic Keeper. Between missing shots, the male Weasel kept yelling at Potter to go fly somewhere else.
Due to the incompetence of some others that shall remain nameless, we were unable to procure hairs for use in a Polyjuice Potion to continue our watch in the Gryffindor common areas. We had to stop where the fat harpy they use as a door guardian wouldn't allow us entry.
We resumed our watch this morning at breakfast. Nothing of interest except the clumsy Potter spilled his pumpkin juice on the floor as the Ravenclaw Cho Chang passed him. The stupid witch actually told Potter to stay up as she knelt down to pick up Potter's cup for him. The git actually grinned as she sucked up to his ego!
DADA was the only tolerable class as Professor Snape kept Potter's ego in check. The professor actually cursed Potter twice for his inattention after Tracey Davis's robes were damaged in a duel with Dean Thomas, cutting them off in mid-thigh.
We are now proceeding to lunch and I will send this report. I will continue to monitor Potter until I have discovered all of his secrets.
Please tell Mother my greetings.
"That's it?!" an incredulous Dark Lord demanded.
"Yes, My Lord," Malfoy nodded.
Voldemort settled back into his chair and seemed nervous. "No potions or rituals?" he wondered aloud distractedly. Then he winced as another bolt of pain lanced through his brain.
It was several minutes before Voldemort could continue his thoughts.
"Could it be that simple? My anger and hatred bring Potter pain. We've known that since his First year. But could this cursed connection work both ways?"
"My Lord?" Bella asked.
Oblivious to the listening Death Eaters, Voldemort looked up at the scary witch. "If thoughts of his love for your cousin could hurt me up close, and lust can hurt me from two hundred kilometres away, how will I survive if the little git actually manages to seduce one of the little trollops?" The pasty-faced Dark Lord paled even further. "Or actually falls in … love with one?" he asked with revulsion in his voice. "The pain would be indescribable!"
Bella's face started to turn red in anger at her master's use of the work trollop to describe all witches. Voldemort was saved by Moon diverting her attention.
"My Lord!" he called. "Let me kill the little bastard! It would be my pleasure!"
"How am I supposed to ward against a teenage boy's libido? It never stops!" Voldemort asked in desperation.
"Marriage did it for me," Will Bulstrode volunteered.
"Serves you right for getting drunk and proposing with beer goggles on," Crabbe Sr. grunted as Goyle Sr. snickered in agreement.
"Shut up, all of you!" Voldemort screamed as for a moment he returned to form with his red eyes glowing. "I know what I have to do."
The next morning the owls arrived in the Great Hall of Hogwarts.
As was her custom, Hermione Granger greeted the Daily Prophet's delivery owl and accepted her morning paper. After giving the owl a piece of her bacon, the owl flew off as Hermione opened the paper.
What she read there made her gasp aloud. "Listen to this!" she squealed in excitement to her two best friends. She never realized all of the students and teachers in the Hall paused to listen to her too.
Voldemort announces his retirement!
Dark Lord to leave Britain forever!
In a shocking announcement, the recently revealed returned Dark Lord announced his retirement to Bora Bora. Former Ministry Undersecretary Umbridge says the announcement proves the validity of the previous Ministry's strategy of keeping You-Know-Who's return quiet while fighting him in the shadows.
"Potter and Dumbledore almost destroyed everything with their careless revelation of Ministry secrets!" she asserted. "We are only lucky that Cornelius's strategy took effect before the new administration could do too much damage!
The article continued for a while. The Great Hall sat in silence as they listened to Hermione read. In the stunned silence, Hermione paused before reading the next headline.
Richard Moon declares himself new Dark Lord!
Former Death Eater and businesswizard, Richard Moon publicly declared himself a Dark Lord. The new Dark Lord has declared war on "greasy little gits that can't keep their eyes or hands to themselves". The new Dark Lord has a surprising number of open followers from all walks of life. Pureblood, half-blood, Muggle-born and Muggle all seem welcome by the new Lord Moon. The only thing they seem to have in common is all are fathers of witches currently enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
When pressed for comment on the new Dark Lord's agenda, Minister (and father) Rufus Scrimgeour shrugged and said, "I'm okay with that."
Known Light supporter Arthur Weasley was amongst the first to declare for the new Dark Lord.
The silence in the Hall was shattered as all the young wizards started to shout in panic. The panic increased as pounding on the front doors of the school announced the arrival of the new Dark Lord and his followers.
An old joke goes:
A psychologist presented a paper stating that the average teenage boy thinks about sex one out of every ten seconds. A short time later, a reporter asked two sixteen year-olds boys if that were true.
One boy turned to the other with a look of confusion, "But what are we supposed to think about for the other nine seconds?"
All fathers receive a Dark Lord-in-Training t-shirt when their daughters are born. The in-training part drops off once they become teen-agers. Remember, we KNOW what you boys are thinking!
After all, how do you think we became fathers to begin with?