This is Hellsing-do it
Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.
AN: Okay I was at my brother's house last night and he was watching this reality-comedy show called "Howie Do It". It seems to be something similar to "Candid Camera". Anyway, one of the skits involved this guy, dressed up in a fuzzy bunny, jumpsuit being hired to go into a church and sing "For he's a Jolly Good Fellow" at a funeral. The guy didn't know it was a funeral... or that it was actually a fake one with payed actors playing the parts of the mourners. Well, anyway, the skit was pretty funny, but I just couldn't stop picturing if it had happened to someone from Hellsing... particularly Seras. So, I decided to write how I think it might've gone were she the... 'funny bunny'.
Seras stood outside the fairly large church and double checked the address she'd been given. It had to be a mistake. It just had to. Do to the fact that Hellsing didn't actually pay her, the fledgling had taken up a part time job to earn a little bit of 'mad money'. That was why she was clad, from head to toe, in a fuzzy, pink and white bunny suit. (No, not a Playboy bunny suit, you sickos. It was more like a pair of oversized bunny pajamas).
Seras was a 'funny bunny' and her job entailed singing at a variety of celebrations, mostly young kids' birthday parties. It wasn't a bad job. In fact, Seras rather enjoyed it. She got to bring joy to small children and make a couple of pounds in the process. And it was pretty lighthearted too... unlike her 'night job'. All in all, the fledgling was rather pleased to have found the job.
However, as she looked back up at the church then checked the address she'd been given once more, Seras knew... she just knew that there had to be some kind of mistake. Who would hire a funny bunny to sing at a church service?
Still, she figured she better go in and ask... just in case. If she went back to her employer without even trying to complete her assignment, she might be fired. So Seras, rather timidly, walked over to the church entrance and stepped inside. "Um... Excuse me, but... but did someone hire a..." Seras gulped before continuing, "'funny bunny'?"
The two men standing in the front of the church furrowed their brows. "A what?" One asked.
Seras took a deep breath. "A funny bunny. I was told that a Mr. James hired a funny bunny to... to sing here."
The man nearest Seras looked over at the one slightly further away. The second man shrugged, and the first turned back to the fledgling. He started off in an unsure tone. "I'm sorry, but you did say Mr. James, right?" Seras nodded, and the man shook his head, disapprovingly. But then he continued, "Well, it doesn't really seem appropriate... but I suppose we should honor his wishes. Come with me, please."
Seras followed the man into the church's main room. There she noticed that everyone was dressed in black. They seemed to be very depressed, some were even softly crying into handkerchiefs. Seras whispered to the man who was leading her up the aisle, "What... what is this?"
"It's a funeral." He whispered back.
"A... A funeral?" Seras asked, eyes wide.
"Yes, for Mr. James." The man answered as they reached the front of the room. Then the man stepped behind the pulpit and spoke into the microphone. "Excuse me, but if I may have your attention... It seems that Mr. James arranged for a..." The man paused and looked back to Seras. "I'm sorry, what did you say you were again?"
"A... A funny bunny." Seras replied, barely above a whisper.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't quite make that out."
"I said a funny bunny." Seras replied a little bit more loudly.
"Oh, yes." The man turned back to the microphone. "Mr. James seems to have arranged for a 'funny bunny', before his passing." The man then stepped aside and motioned for Seras to take his place.
Slowly the fledgling crept over to the pulpit, wishing she could just disappear. She stepped behind it and noticed every head in the church turning to gaze at her. Most wore confused expressions, but one, an old man, stared at her with a look of pure disdain that, even with her time at Hellsing, Seras could hardly believe was possible. Another, the woman Seras assumed to be the grieving widow, just cried, a little more loudly, into her handkerchief.
Seras took another gulp and then began to sing, "For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a..."
Seras was interrupted by the widow letting out a loud cry.
"No, I'm sorry. P-please continue." The widow managed to choke out before crying again.
Seras grimaced and felt a little like crying, herself. But still, she began again. "For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a joolllly good fellllloooow. Which nobody can deny." Seras paused for a moment and noticed the old man had, somehow, managed to increase the amount of disdain in his expression. Seras took a deep breath and summoned up her courage before continuing, "We won't go home until..."
The widow burst into tears again, and Seras felt like running from the church. But as the fledgling began to step away from the pulpit, the widow apologized once more. "No, no. I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to do your job, and... and obviously, my husband wanted this." The woman paused before continuing, "Maybe... if you could just sing it to him."
"Sing it to him?" Seras asked. The widow nodded, and the fledgling grimaced again. But then she headed over to the open casket. Seras took several deep breaths before beginning again. "For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a joolllly good fellllloooow. Which nobody can deny. We won't go home until morning. We won't go home until morning. He wont go home until morn..." Just then the man in the casket bolted up right, causing a surprised Seras to jump back.
However, the fledgling was quick to recover from her initial surprise. "A vampire! Everyone stay back! I'll protect you!" Seras shouted, and the people pulling the prank were stunned just enough by Seras's reaction to not immediately tell her what was going on.
One of the fledgling's arms dissolved into swirling shadows and reformed into a large, curved blade of darkness. With a feral scream, Seras swung the weapon, decapitating the 'vampire' in the casket with a single strike.
The petrified actors stared in disbelief for a moment, then screamed wildly and stampeded out of the church.
Seras, on the other hand, felt a little bit better. Sure, maybe she'd ruined the funeral, but at least she'd saved the mourners from a dangerous vampire. The fledgling brushed off her hands and whistled happily as she went to find a phone and call her boss. They'd have to move quickly to section off the area and begin covering up the evidence of a vampiric attack.
(Silly, I know. But I hope you got a kick out of it. Please fire of a review and let me know what you thought. Thanks.
Have a good day, and God bless.