The Super-Ultra-Mega Ranma 1/2 Crossover
Director's Cut

By: Jay Howington, Michael Brew, and Readers Like You!

Disclaimer: It's time to d-d-d-d-disclaim! Disclaim on! Subtle pun-based reference to Yugi-oh!

Chapter 17:

"So you want to decide this match… with a children's card game?"

The crazy-haired kid in blue nodded, his innocent eyes gleaming. "Gee, yes, mister. That's how all fateful duels of destiny are decided where I'm from."

"Wow," Dark Schneider said. "That's real cute, kid. So this is how you made it this far?"

"Yup!" little Yugi said cheerfully. "The power of friendship and faith in the Heart of the Cards lifted our spirits to—"

"I'm conflicted," Dark Schneider said to Abigail, the forest green haired necromancer. "One part of me wants to vomit from the unbridled innocence and naïveté of these brats. Another part of me wants to just burn them to a crisp." He folded his arms and regarded the opposing group. "And yet, an inexplicably large part of me has the urge to agree to their ridiculous terms."

Abigail nodded. "Perfectly understandable. Collectible card games are truly a worthy pastime for the discerning hobbyist."

"You sound like you know what you're talking about," Dark Schneider said.

"I've dabbled," Abigail said, hefting ten binders into the ring.

"Yugi-ohhhhh!" the kid yelled for some reason, and the others looked at him quizzically. His voice seemed to drop suddenly in the middle of his scream, as well. "Well, come on!" the suddenly baritone boy said. "What are you, a bunch of wussies?"

"That's it!" Dark Schneider said angrily. "Abigail, I want you to destroy this kid at a children's card game!"

"With pleasure, sir," Abigail said. "I will duel you, myself… Pharaoh!"

Dark Yugi grinned. "You know."

"That's right. I'm a necromancer, you see, so I have a certain enhanced perception. You were powerful in the ancient magics, but your soul has been trapped in this boy's body."

"Lame," Dark Schneider said. "The only thing that would be lamer is if he had to do something like get splashed with water or get kissed by a virgin to change." He laughed, oblivious to the oppressive irony filling the arena.

Yugi put his hand on his hip in a slightly effeminate manner. "Fine, then. You and I will duel one-on-one."

"A Shadow Game, then," Abigail said. "To decide the match. We can use a mixture of our deck and our teammates'."

"Agreed," Yugi said.

"Alright, Yoog," Joey said happily as he handed his cards over. "It'll be like we're all fightin' wit' you!"

"Exactly," Dark Yugi agreed. "Except it will actually be me fighting alone."

Kaiba, Mai, and Bakura handed over their cards as well, and Abigail collected his own teammates' cards. Dark Schneider looked at Abigail's outstretched palm and shrugged. "What do you think I am, some kind of geek?"

"Well," Abigail said, "I need something."

"Hold on," the wizard growled and he turned around. After a moment of intense scribbling, he turned around and gave Abigail a small note card. The necromancer looked pensively at the drawing on it.

"You're serious?" Abigail asked. "This is a card game. You can't just make things up!"

"Just put it in your deck and shut up!" Dark Schneider said.

With that Yugi and Abigail entered the ring, which was now fitted with holographic generators. They drew their cards. Yugi summoned the Dark Magician Girl and then put two cards face down. Abigail dramatically slapped down his own card.

"I summon Naruto Uzumaki, Son Goku, and Anakin Skywalker to the field!" Abigail shouted.

The three looked around in confusion. Goku spoke up. "Hey, I'm not dead, anymore. Sweet!"

"Wait a minute!" Yugi objected. "You just summoned three monsters to the field!"

Naruto pouted. "H-hey… there's no need for name calling."

"Yeah, and so what?" Abigail asked.

"That's against the rules!" Yugi said.

"Screw the rules!" Abigail responded. "I have green hair!"

"I like this guy," Kaiba said in his usual flat, constipated voice. "Go, Abigail."

"Shut up, Kaiba," Bakura said, leaping up and smacking him in the back of the head.

"Now I'll have my monsters attack!" Abigail announced.

"Ha!" Yugi said. "You just activated my trap card!" His facedown rose. "Traumatic Life Altering Event!"

Suddenly, Anakin became a paraplegic and burst into flames, Krillin rose into the air and exploded, and an emo kid with black pointy hair was randomly impaled with hundreds of needles. The three monsters collapsed to the ground—though in Anakin's case there wasn't much choice—in agony.

"This card paralyzes all attacking monsters for three turns so they can deal with their grief!" Yugi explained.

"Normally that would be the case!" Abigail said. "But all my monsters, much like you, have a hidden form that only emerges in certain conditions. All three of these, ironically enough, change with that very card."

"What an amazingly convenient coincidence that I would play the one card needed to display your cards' special abilities!" Yugi bellowed.

The dismembered and burned Anakin suddenly transformed into a black armored spook, while Naruto grew into a red furred fox, and Goku's hair turned blond.

"Now I place my SSJ Goku in defense. Darth Vader and Kyuubi attack Dark Magician Girl!"

"Oh, snap!" Yugi said in dismay as the two monsters ganged up on the girl, turning her to dust. "I'll always love you baby!" Growling, he fruitily flourished his cards. "Two can play at this game! I shall trust in the heart of the cards!"

"Oooh," Abigail said, rolling his eyes. "You're going to trust in your cards. That's going to stack the odds in your favor."

"I summon Bruce Banner, Jio, and Daisuke Niwa!" Yugi said. "And I also play the magic cards Berserker Rage, Jekyll and Hyde, and Hot Babe, which respectively turn my monsters into The Incredible Hulk, Satan, and Dark Mousy!"

Mr. Satan looked around the field and then at the boomerang in his hand. "Wh… what the HFIL? Why do I keep getting dragged into this?"

"Hulk!" Yugi said. "Attack his Kyuubi! Satan! Attack Vader!"

The green goliath leveled a mighty punch at the nine tailed fox, causing it to disintegrate. Mr. Satan hefted the boomerang unsurely and then tossed it at Darth Vader. Vader's lightsaber flicked up, slicing the boomerang in two.

"H-hey," Yugi said. "That's a practical use of your monster's tools rather than a simple application of mathematics. It just doesn't make any sense!" Yugi turned to the black winged, dark haired bishounen. "Dark Mousy! Steal Darth Vader's lightsaber and stab his asthmatic ass!"

"Noooo!" Abigail said as the phantom thief did just that. "Curse you, Dark!"

"What?!" Dark Schneider said irately.

"Now I have to play your stupid made up card, that's what!" Abigail said, slapping his hand down. "In facedown mode. Then I put Goku in attack mode and play Renzoku Energy Dan."

Goku leaped into the air and began to rain energy down on Satan and Dark Mousy, destroying them both.

"Now I'll have Goku attack your life points directly!" Abigail announced.

"Hold it!" Yugi said, pointing dramatically. He slammed his hands on his podium and shook his head. "There's one piece of evidence you've forgotten. I still have one face down card on the field!"

Abigail gasped. "It can't be!"

The card flipped up and suddenly a large bright sphere appeared in the sky. Goku looked into the sky and gasped. "A… a moon!" He laughed. "Yes! Perfect! Now I shall transform!" Suddenly, his chest burst out of his shirt and he grew to become a gigantic fair haired monkey.

"Objection!" Yugi protested, pointing into the sky. "That's no moon."

Abigail looked up and realized that the moon doesn't have a giant perfectly round crater and also isn't metal. "Crap. No take backs! Attack that fatal satellite!"

Golden Oozaru unleashed a fearsome beam of energy at the space station.

"I play Endor Shield Generator!" Yugi said quick as an auctioneer.

"Hey, that's against the—"

"Screw! Rules! Money!" Kaiba shouted.

The beam of energy collided with the shield that sprang up. Golden Oozaru thrashed in rage.

"Now it's my turn," Yugi said. He tossed down a card and suddenly a curly haired Chinese guy materialized on the field. "And now I play cold bucket of water!" A bucket of water appeared over the man's head and splashed down on him. His body contorted into that of a yeti, bursting out of his shirt, and his head became bull-like. Tentacles sprouted from his back and an electric eel became his tail while crane's wings spread from his shoulder blades.

"Pantyhose!" Ranma shouted.

"Yes, Ranma," Akane sighed as she rolled her eyes. "Thanks for getting my spares, but you don't have to announce it to the whole arena." She ran to the women's locker room to change, muttering about runs."

"Oh, hey, now that I'm back, I see that Pantyhose Taro is fighting a giant gold monkey while a Death Star is floating in the sky for some reason."

"I play the Brutes Ray!" Abigail shouted.

"Hey, did he just play a card on that other guy's turn? Isn't that against the…?" Ranma began.

"We've covered it," Yusuke deadpanned.

"My Golden Oozaru's attack is only a little lower than the Death Star's defenses with the shield in place, so transforming him into SSJ4 Goku should surely…"

A shirtless furry figure with red fur and long black hair stood in the ring now, Golden Oozaru's attack and defense points clearly displayed. Suddenly the numbers adjusted to his new form, plummeting to a level below even his normal form. "Hey!" Goku said angrily. What the Hell is this? I could blow up a planet with my power before! With this I'll have trouble lifting a truck!"

"Death Star!" Yugi shouted. "Obliterate!"

The Death Star charged its laser as Ginyu in Goku's body shivered with terror at his fate. "Wait a minute," he said. "I can just… CHANGE NOW!" he opened his mouth and a beam shot out. Yugi dodged out of the way and it struck his white haired, ring wearing compatriot. Dark Bakura's spirit and Ginyu's switched places in an instant. "Oh, bugger," Goku said as the Death Star's laser fired, disintegrating him utterly.

"Finally!" Ginyu Bakura crowed. "I'm in a young, virile body again!"

"I'll say," Kaiba said, winking seductively.

"Shut up, Kaiba!" Ginyu Bakura said, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Well, there's no actual change in the status quo," Joey said. "So let's pretend like nothing's different."

Yugi laughed. "Now you're finished! Pantyhose Taro has more than enough attack points to take you down. Attack!"

Pantyhose charged Abigail, but midway there the green haired wizard laughed. "You forget. I have a facedown card." The card raised and suddenly an iron fist met Pantyhose's, and the beast found itself torn to pieces.

"No freaking way!" Ranma said, horrified. "It's inarguably the greatest fighter of all time!"

"There's no way even I could stand up to that!" Yusuke said.

"What's so great about some bearded white guy?" Ryouko asked.

The entire audience turned toward her in disbelief. Was it possible that this alien who had been imprisoned underground for 700 years could never have heard about Chuck Norris?

"Ohhhh!" Ryouko said. "Chuck Norris! Yeah, of course I heard about him."

"By Ra's eye!" Yugi said. "The one man who could beat me at a children's card game thousands of years ago!"

"Now, Chuck Norris!" Abigail shouted. "Destroy that space station!"

Chuck raised his chin defiantly. A photon torpedo suddenly shot out of his thick, manly beard and made a beeline to a small exhaust port in the station where it entered the shaft and traveled all the way to the reactor, where it exploded and caused a chain reaction that blew the Death Star to pieces. Said pieces then rained down on Yugi's podium, crushing him and reducing his Life Points to zero. "And you should see me shoot wamp rats," Chuck said before vanishing with the other holograms.

Yugi twitched on the other side of the ring. "How… does a hologram… hurt so much?"

"Hey, just be glad you weren't on Endor," Abigail said with a shrug.

- - -

"Well, this is it," Yusuke said to Team Budokai as they congregated in the locker rooms. "The finals are about to begin, and we'll have to take on that crazy team of sorcerers."

"I say we do this one-on-one," Ranma said. "I want to take that Schneider guy down."

Akane piped in, "You know, Ranma, it might be better to do endurance matches." She glanced at Mr. Satan, who was now filling in for Gene Starwind. "I mean… some of us are stronger than others."

Ryouko cracked her knuckles and laughed. "Yeah, but then I'd just do 'em all in myself."

"More like you'd do 'em all yourself," Akane said with a grin.

"That only happened once," Ryouko sulked. "I was drunk. I'm pretty sure that counts as gang rape."

"Okay, let's not go any further with that," Yusuke said quickly.

Mr. Satan grasped his stomach. "Ohhh, being magically transported into a children's card game and then disintegrated has given me an upset stomach."

"Lame!" Ranma said. "Try being sexed up by a bunch of goddesses before your match, one of whom turns into a giant guy's head."

"I think we need to talk, Ranma," Akane said, a glowing energy mallet materializing in her hand.

"Team Budoukai," a new voice said. The team turned to see Ryu from Team Akuma. "You did well defeating Gouki and those of us under the influence of the Dark Hadou. However, Team Darushe is more powerful than we were."

"Um…" Ranma said. "Why are you here? Aren't you evil?"

"I was Evil Ryu under the influence of the Dark Hadou," Ryu agreed. "But my soul has now been purified. All it took was my fake brother and plenty of Chun Li pelvis."

"That's too much info, buddy," Yusuke said.

"Listen," Ryu said. "I came to warn you. You will all have to do much better than you have been to defeat Dark Schneider and his warlords."

"So…" Ranma said. "How is that going to help us? It's minutes before the final match."

"Uh…" Ryu said. "I brought some Deus ex machi—I mean, some friends."

Several familiar figures shuffled in. There was a mustachioed plumber in green, a fat child dressed for winter, another child in a baseball cap, a long haired knight, a short haired schoolgirl, and a long coat would-be badass if he didn't play children's card games.

"Someone from every team both we and Team Darushe has faced, huh?" Ranma said. "Um… what about Team Darushe's opponents from the quarter finals?"

"Come to think of it, we totally picnicked through that match," Ryouko observed.

"Um…" Ryu said. "There's still… one of them left." He gestured to the door where something wheeled in. It was presumably a man. The machine he was hooked up to beeped in greetings. "He… ah… was the leader of the Zyurangers."

"Oooh…" Ranma said.

The disfigured quadriplegic began to beep rapidly.

"Is he beeping Morse code?" Akane asked.

"Tell him to stop it," Yusuke said. "None of us know it."

"We all have something for you," Ryu said.

"As long as you keep your pants on," said Ranma.

"Speak for yourself," Ryouko said with a smirk. "Besides, the author isn't wearing any pants."

"Buddha help us," Ranma said completely unnecessarily as the author looked damn good writing in the buff.

Luigi stepped up to Akane bashfully and held up a pale blue flower, looking away with a blush. "Here-a. This is-a for you-a."

"Oh," Akane said with a shy smile. "Thank you. No one's ever given me flowers before."

"What about Kuno?" Ranma asked.

Akane scowled and grabbed the flower. She looked at it quizzically. "So… is this supposed to help me in the match or are you just confessing?"

"Can't it-a be both?" Luigi asked.

"Okay, buddy," Ranma said, gently but insistently prodding the plumber. "That's enough of that."

The quadriplegic rolled up to Ranma and beeped. A red beam came from his light and engulfed Ranma momentarily. When the light faded Ranma found himself… exactly the same. "Was that supposed to do something?"

"He's given you the last of his power," Ryu said. "When you need it you will be able to call upon it."

Kaiba walked up to Yusuke and handed him a card. "What's this?" Yusuke asked. "A card with a dragon?"

"Trust me," Kaiba said. "My mission in life is to make children's card games as lethal as possible."

"I have something for you," Ami Mizuno of the Sailor Scouts said to Ryouko.

The demon woman looked quizzically at the girl. "A box of thin mints?"

"Well, we do need to raise money for our war on evil," Ami said. "But actually I meant this," she held out a pen.

"Oh, wow," Ryouko said. "A novelty pen. Great."

"It's… it's a bit more than that," Ami said. "Listen, just take the damned pen."

The cat eyed woman did just that, cocking an eyebrow. "I really would not have expected you to have such a mouth on you. You've been hanging out with Pimp T way too long."

"I don't do it for the money," Ami said shyly, blushing. "I do it 'cause I confuse being used as a sex object with being loved. My father left us when I was little, you know."

"Well, thanks for reinforcing a stereotype," Ryouko said glumly as she grabbed the pen. "I confuse the two all the time, too, but I never had any abandonment issues," said the 5,000 year old orphan who was mind controlled by a sadistic criminal for 4,300 years and trapped alone in a cave for 700.

"That brings us to you," Ryu said, looking straight at Mr. Satan.

"Uh…" the wrestling champion said. "That's… that's okay, really. I have this horrible migraine right now…"

"It's about to get worse," Ryu said, a ball of light appearing in his hands.

"You're the most revered wrestler in the entire Federation," Kevin Mask said, holding up a lantern. "Though you've never competed in our league, I'm sure you'll have no problem unlocking your Choujin power with this."

Ness squeaked something and waved his bat around.

"You're my freaking hero, man," the child who had once been Bulrog said.

"Now," Ryu said, grabbing Mr. Satan by the shoulder. "A normal martial artist with little ki training would die almost instantly if this technique was performed on him, but I'm sure it will be no problem for you. I'm going to implant you with the essence of the Hadou." He thrust the bright ball of light into Mr. Satan's gut, causing him to scream in pain.

"This lantern will help you visualize your progress as you travel down your path to become a Choujin," Kevin Mask said, placing the lantern into the cold, shivering hands of the prone champion.

Ness squeed and gave Mr. Satan the bat. He was, Dear Readers, a bit of a cheapskate when it came to bestowing gifts.

"For my gift," Eric Cartman, a.k.a. Bulrog, said. "You will have… imaginaaa~ation… ima~aagination… ima…" He went on singing like this for awhile, to the pain and horror of all present. Thankfully, the author can skip over this dribble as easily as the cool stuff.

"What, that's it?" Ranma asked. "Kind of a lame gift. 'Imagination'? I don't get it."

"You wouldn't," Akane said.

"I think Satan's having a seizure," Ryouko commented.

"Lemme through, lemme through," someone said, pushing through the crowd of fighters. "Dammit, I'm a doctor; not some starstruck fan." A old man with a blue shirt knelt next to the twitching afroed man, scanning him with a strange device. "My God! Who overstimulated this man's biometric field? It's a miracle he's not dead already!"

"My bad," Ryu said.

"Never mind," the doctor said. "I stabilized him already. But, whatever you do, don't let him participate in any climactic final battles for the fate of mankind for the next 24 hours…" He looked around and the fighters had already left. He rolled his eyes and pulled out his communicator. "Alright Jim, mission accomplished. He should survive to save the timeline."

He heard feminine giggling and squealing on the other end of the line. "Oh, Jim, you're so good."

"I never knew Vulcans could be so passionate…"

"Eh… Sulu, I'm using Rand's wagina right now, so…"

"Oh, hey Bones," Jim's voice said. "Don't mind us. Admiral Asahina was just finishing her debriefing."

Bones frowned and flipped the communicator shut. "Fff*$ my life."

- - -

"Ryouko versus Abigail, bitches!" the Bob announced.

"I'm going to enjoy finishing you," Abigail said, his hair gold in the front, dark red in the back hair blowing in the wind. "Oh, thanks for giving me your stylist by the way, Yugi," he said to his former opponent at ringside.

"I'm going to knock the hairdye right out of you," Ryouko threatened.

"Heh…" Abigail said. "We'll see about that. I'm the greatest necromancer of all time. You have no hope."

"Is that right?" Ryouko said. "Well, there's a reason I'm called the Devil Caller." She raised her hand and wisps of white smoke rose from the ground and began to coagulate. Between the two fighters a humanoid ghost began to coagulate.

"So!" Abigail smirked. "You're familiar with the necrotic arts as well?"

"That's right!" Ryouko said proudly. "I—"

"Hi, guys!" the ghost said happily. It was a bald, translucent white ghost whose smile was bright and uplifting. "I'm Casper. Wanna play?"

"Um…" Ryouko said nervously. "Kill?"

"Oh, no," Casper said. "I'm a friendly ghost."

"Aw crap," Ryouko said. "Gem. Right wrist."

Abigail's smirk grew wider. "So you can't control the spirits you summon without another of those gems, eh? Well, unfortunately for you, I don't need such a trifling item!" Abigail began to chant ominously and Casper suddenly screamed in shock. His eyes began to glow red and he grew in size, becoming a twisted version of what he once was.

"What's more," Abigail said. "I can summon more…" Bugs and a ghostly burlap sack rose from the ground as well a black smoke. "Now… Casper, Oogie Boogie, Hexxus… attack!"

The three ghosts launched themselves after the space pirate, who flew into the sky, blasting energy beams behind her. Oogie Boogie managed to leap onto her first, laughing madly and wishing her Christmas greetings for some reason. She blasted him mercilessly, tearing the burlap shirt-area, which also caused his bugs to pour out. Hexxus grabbed her next, burning her skin with his acidic hands.

"I'm gonna give you some of my toxic love, baby," he growled.

Ryouko considered this for a moment. "N… no, on second thought that would probably be painful. I don't need to get a yeast infection or anything." She blasted him over and over again, but he kept reforming. The monstrous Casper also grabbed her, and they dragged her to the ground, pinning her.

"Ryouko!" Ami shouted. "Use the pen!"

"What am I gonna do?" Ryouko shouted. "Ask them to cut me a check for the astral nookie?" Regardless, she grabbed the pen in her hand and held it high. It began to glow and a mark appeared on her forehead. Her body was enveloped in light and her clothes tore apart.

"This makes it easier," Hexxus said. "I'm getting a special kind of hawny."

Strange red and black ribbons wrapped themselves around Ryouko next, becoming clothes somehow.

"Aww," Hexxus said.

Energy burst forth from the demon woman, and the two ghosts leaped back. "I'm not just Ryouko anymore," the black and red sailor suited woman said. "You can call me Sailor Mass!" The red jewel on Ryouko's chest began to glow and white smoke once again began to coagulate into a humanoid. "This transformation has increased my own natural powers and the power of my gem. Now I can summon powerful spirits and control them as well!"

A violet haired apparition now stood in the center of the ring wearing a Capsule Corp. jacket and sword.

"H-hey," Mirai no Trunks said from the audience. "That… that's me, isn't it?"

The Trunks in the ring seemed to hear and said, "I'm the Trunks of the original timeline. The one who went back in time and helped to defeat the androids. I was killed by Cell in the future while trying to return to tell Goku and the others of my victory over the androids in my time. My spirit was trapped in Cell's body when he came back in time to create this timeline and was only released when he died."

"He's… he's like… Trunks Prime!" Mirai no Trunks said.

"He's more like Dead Trunks," Ryouko said. "In any case, I summoned you so could you destroy these guys for me?"

"Oh…" Dead Trunks said. "Sure." Casper and Hexxus converged on him and with a flash of light, he dissipated the apparitions.

"No freaking way," Abigail said. "No matter. I can just summon more!" He began to chant and undead creatures began to rise from the ground. A melty faced guy with a cool hat, a big guy with a hockey mask, some kind of corpse bride, a floaty haired dead woman who looked like she was holding a huge grudge, man with nails in his skull, a wolf man, a large patchwork person, a creepy woman with buttons for eyes, a black man who seemed to be a spider and a manspider all at the same time, a skeletal crypt keeper, and many more all rose at Abigail's command and converged on Sailor Mass and her ghostly guardian.

Dead Trunks plowed through the ghosts and undead, slashing a group of creepy blond kids into pieces here and kicking a dead Iraqi leader in the balls there. He finally dispatched the last of them, a black and white masked man with a really useful red cape, and now he held his ghostly sword to Abigail's neck.

"Very impressive…" Abigail said. "But I still have… Amidamaru!" He surged with power and the samurai spirit possessed him. He now held an ethereal sword and crossed spiritual blades with Dead Trunks. The samurai spirit and deceased Saiyan went full on Flint style, spinning and uselessly flailing their weapons as never before. Finally, having established their skill at looking good, they simultaneously went for the death blow, passing each other as they slashed.

Dead Trunks gasped as his ectoplasmic form began to break apart from the cut. "You… you got me." He smirked. "But I'm not going alone."

Abigail's eyes were wide as he felt the spirit of Amidamaru slip away. Dead Trunks' blade had struck true as well, severing the tie between himself and the deceased samurai who had been guiding his hand. Now both spirits were more than dead. "But I'm still alive…" he said.

"Yeah?" Ryouko said. "Well, so am I. And I can do more than summon the dead." She twirled around and launched a red ball of energy at the necromancer.

"Oh…" Abigail said as the attack hit him, burning his shirt from his torso mercilessly. Even the very dye from his hair was burned from his roots. He fell outside the ring unconscious.

"Ryouko wins!" Juri announced proudly. "Yeah, that's right. Chicks totally rule and this guy, at least, drools."

"Next match is Arshes-Nei versus Ryou—er—Sailor Mass!" Bob said.

"The Queen of Lightning won't go down so easily," she said. "I swear on the grave of my grandfather, I shall defeat you!"

"It is illogical to bring me into this," a pointy eared man in a blue shirt said as he studied a scientific scanner.

"Shut up," Arshes-Nei said. "You're supposed to be dead… or… not born for, like, 200 years. Either way…"

"Bring it," Sailor Mass said.

"Consider it brought," the dark skinned elven woman said. "I fight for my love!" Electricity crackled menacingly from her body.

Sailor Mass summoned an energy blade and she flew toward Arshes-Nei. The elf blocked with her dagger charged with power. They struck against each other back and forth, neither gaining ground initially. Sailor Mass dodged under the elf's dagger and grabbed her in a bear hug. She began to squeeze, mashing the elf's massive breasts into her face, driving the men of the audience wild.

"I don't like where this is going…" Akane said nervously, eyeing the lascivious gazes of the male audience.

Arshes-Nei blasted Sailor Mass with a lightning spell, forcing her to let go. She pumped electricity into the demon's body, eliciting a cry of joy from the catty woman. "Oh, yes, do it to me! More!

"You whore!" Ayeka cried. "That was our special—" she stopped suddenly, and glanced surreptitiously at Tenchi and her little sister respectively. "Um… I mean… isn't it weird how she likes things like that? BDSM is so weird."

The elf woman stopped her attacks as soon as it became obvious that the demon wasn't bothered by it as she should be. Sailor Mass rose to her feet and pouted. "Aw, I was so close, too…" Then she smirked and red energy formed in her palm. "Guess I'll have to return the favor." She blasted the energy at her opponent in a fierce barrage tearing the cloth from her ample bosom.

The crowd went wild.

"That's it!" Arshes-Nei growled. "You're going down." She leaped into the air, bringing her left breast down onto Sailor Mass's face.

"Oh, wow!" Juri said excitedly. "Mass just got hit with the Booby Hammer Strike!"

"Sailor Mass is countering with a Mammary Side Slap… oh, she just went for the double!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've never seen a more skilled use of a woman's naughty parts," Juri said, fanning herself. "Arshes-Nei's Nipple Drill is flawless!"

"Oh, and Mass just resorted to the Clam Strike!" Bob said with horror and fascination. "That would never have been allowed under normal Budoukai rules."

"And that's why your tournament is lame," Juri commented. "O-oh! Mass's hand is trapped! Looks like Arshes clammed up before she could steal her pearl."

"Wow, these euphemisms are getting complicated," Bob said.

"You know," Yusuke said. "I've prayed for this day for most of my pubescent life. Now that I've seen it…"

"Yeah, it's not quite what you expected, is it?" Ranma said.

Tenchi chimed in. "This has been my life for the past year. It kind of makes you want to bat for the other team, doesn't it?"

"Fool!" Arshes-Nei said. "You thought hitting me there would hurt me? After a century with Dark Schneider, I can handle anything." She twisted her pelvis, pulling Sailor Mass forward. She grabbed the demon Sailor Scout by the hair and raised her fist. On her fist was what looked like brass knuckles, but two horns protruded from them.

"Hey… that looks familiar," Ranma noted.

A wrestler with two horns protruding from his head popped up. "That's right. I wanted to make that sweet babe horny, so I gave her my two Diks."

"Whoa, dood," Yusuke said. "That's… just wrong."

In the ring, Arshes-Nei pierced Sailor Mass with Dik-Dik's… "Diks"… and the demon Scout screamed. "Is it my birthday?"

"Ha! You may be strong enough that my lightning attacks merely… tickle… you, but I bet once I get past the skin…" Arshes-Nei channeled her lightning through the horns and deep into Sailor Mass's core, working her abs much better than ordinary crunches or sit-ups, but also mercilessly frying her internal organs. She screamed and collapsed to the ground.

The announcers counted to ten and the match was over. Ryouko, now powered down from her Sailor Mass form, was curled in a fetal position. Arshes-Nei walked past and the space pirate grabbed her ankle. "Hey…" she said. "We should… grab some lunch sometime."

"…" Arshes-Nei said. "I think we should see other people."

"Hey, Ma…" Ryouko said to Washuu, who was at ringside. "Could you get me some fresh underwear…?"

"Next match is another babe brawl!" Bob said.

"Ignoring that offensive terminology," Juri said. "It's Arshes-Nei vs. Akane!"

"Hey, bitch," Akane said with a smirk as she stepped into the ring. "I wore a bra."

to be continued...

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Next up, Akane goes badass. Thankfully, we can all tell where her ass is, now, and thus avoid it. Don't worry, there's only, like, seven more fights to go and the tournament saga is wrapped. I promise no more pervy jokes… at least… not for the next chapter. Probably.