The Secret Files of Agent P: How I came to be


"Beep, beep beep!" It was late at night when I heard my watch go off. I opened one sleepy eye and looked at my watch on my hand; sure enough, it was flashing and the word "Mission" flashed on the screen in red letters. Oh Major Monogram, I thought to myself. Can't it wait until mourning to let me go to foal Dr. Doofenschirz plans? It's ten at night! I shut off my watch and my sleepy eye, and went back to sleep.

Suddenly, I sprang out of bed by loud beeps (I was wide awake now!) I looked at my watch when I landed on Ferb's bedcovers again. It was flashing "Mission" rapidly this time. My mission, whatever it was, must be really important to have me out and about at ten at night. I heard snoring and looked at Ferb puzzled. Didn't he hear the loud beeps right now?! I guess not, that boy sure is a tight sleeper.

Suddenly, my alarm went off again. I quickly hopped off of Ferb's bed and into the living room. Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming sheech! I went outside under the twinkling stars and the bright white crescent moon. I looked all around to see if the coast was clear, it was (who would be up at this hour wandering about anyways?) I put on my fedora and hopped into the garbage can.

I plugged my bill from the foul smells of the leftover food as I pressed the button on my remote, accavating the secret rectangle platform to act like an elevator and carried me down to my secret hideout.

When it landed in the small room, I walked off and jumped onto my chair. I turned on the monitor and waited to hear my assignment. My boss, Major Monogram appeared on the screen.

"Greetings Agent P." He said to me. "Sorry to call you late at night but…" He then went to his knees and begged. "I herd something rummaging in the files on my way to my bedroom. I think it's a monster, so please come and defeat it for me! I'm so scared Agent P; I put on so many pants already, these are my last ones, and I can't afford to wet these, so please do hurry and protect me! Please, I'm very desperate here, please Agent P, I need your help!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. Monogram stood up as he sensed my sarcasm.

"You think its Karl don't you Agent P?" I nodded.

"Well I can assure you that's not the case because Karl is right here with me." The screen then backed up to show me that Karl was indeed sitting on the floor with Monogram. He and my boss were wearing their slippers and robes while sipping their coffee. Karl had his teddy bear in his hands. On the floor sat a flaming candle.

"Hi Agent P!" Karl waved to me.

"See?" Monogram reassured me. "Karl and I are both sitting here, drinking our cups of coffee, and we're both cowering in fear." Then he cleared his throat as the camera did a close up on my boss. "Anyways," he told me. "You must hurry and save us Agent P. Hurry before it's too late and we may be goners before you get here." I saluted and jumped out of my chair and went towards the door. I looked at the screen again when I heard sucking thumb noises, and crying. Sure enough, Monogram and Karl were both sobbing on the floor like babies and sucking on their thumbs. I rolled my eyes again and went towards the door.

When I was outside, I put on my jet pack and flew to Major Monogram's place. When I landed I put the jet pack away in the bushes, and went inside. It wasn't long before I found my boss and his assistant putting on their sophomoric behavior all over the floor. When they saw me, they both stood up. Karl was still sucking his thumb and holding his teddy bear to his chest as Monogram spoke.

"Wow Agent P, you're here and we're not a monster's ten fifteen snack." He then raised his elbow then withdrew it quickly beside him. "Sweet!" He then looked at my glare. "Oh I mean, he's right this way Agent P." Karl and I followed him upstairs. Karl was still holding his teddy bear and sucking his thumb. I glared at him. He quickly took his thumb out of his mouth. There was drool on it.

"Oh sorry Agent P." He said. "I probably shouldn't suck my thumb like a baby huh? Now my thumb is all wet and has my slobber is all over it."

"Well here is the terrifying monster." Monogram told us. We all peeked in Monogram's office. My eyes went wide as I saw Dr. D rummaging through all of the agent's files.

"Whoa!" Karl piped up. "You're right sir! There is a terrifying disgusting monster in your office."

"Karl shhhh! He'll hear you!" Monogram said to him.

"Why is Dr. D…" We pulled him aside and shushed him. We looked back and saw my nemesis coming towards us.

"Nice going Karl!" Monogram scolded him. "Now look at what you've done! You've blown our cover, he's coming this way!"

"I'm sorry sir, I just couldn't help it. I…"

"Major Monogram? Karl?" Dr D asked as he walked towards us. "Why are you here? Well I'm sure you're welcome here anytime since this is your agency. But still, it's late at night. Shouldn't you be catching some Zs or something?" He then noticed me. "Perry the Platypus? Wait I don't get this, why are you all here instead of in all your own beds fast asleep?"

"Why are you in my boss's private office?" Karl asked him.

"Karl no, I'll handle this." Monogram told his intern. He looked at the evil doctor.

"Dr D, why are you in my private office?" He asked.

"Well I…"

"Didn't you see the clearly visible "Do Not Enter" signs on my doorknob, on all the windows, and on the file folders? There were like 100 or so of them in here."

"Oh there were?"

"Yes. Lots of these stuff are personal you know." We looked at all the "Do not enter" signs everywhere in the room.

"Oh well you know, it's nighttime. And I'm evil and stuff and I don't really care for the signs." Monogram scratched his chin.

"Well I suppose you have a good point there, but still…" He then pointed a finger at him. "Why are you here Dr. D?"

"Well I,I…" He stammered.

"Out with it! Why are you here? Don't make me get and shine my flashlight on you!"

"Okay! I confess, I was just looking for Perry's file to see what his weakness was. Wait, why would you want to shine your flashlight on me?" Monogram shrugged.

"I don't know. Dramatic effect I guess. You know, to make you feel guilty and stuff."

"Well, again I was searching a weakness so that I can destroy that platypus once and for all!" He laughed evilly.

"So did you find it?" Karl asked him. Dr. D stopped laughing and looked at him.

"Unfortunatly no." He looked down at the floor and sighed. "All I found were…" He held up each item as he talked about them. "A Monogram bobber head, this Perry the Platypus wooden toy that does absolutely nothing, Monogram's two week old toothbrush,…"

"I been wondering where that was." Monogram told him, grabbing it.

"Then where's mine sir?" Karl asked.

"I hope you don't mind Karl; but since I couldn't find mine, I've been using yours to keep my teeth clean and shiny." As Karl was making his disgusted noises, my nemesis continued.

"This half eaten doughnut, and this ticket to go see Wilma Wyoming live in concert." Monogram immediately grabbed it out of Dr D's hands.

"Hey, I've been looking all over for this!" He said. We all looked at him.

"What?" He asked, noticing our faces on him.

"Um, sir." Karl told him. "Aren't you a little too old to like a teen pop sensation?"

"No I'm not!" I just like her music and stuff. And don't call me old Karl. It makes me feel…old."

"Yes sir." Then Karl looked at the remaining folder in Dr. D's hands.

"Hey what you got there Dr. D?" Dr. D looked at Karl, then at the folder in his hands.

"Oh this? This is nothing. Just Perry's papers explaining how he wanted to be an agent and stuff. Nothing personal I hope." That got me going! I attacked my nemesis with my feet. As he fell to the floor I grabbed my folder and paged through it, making sure all the papers were there. Dr. D got up.

"Ow!" He groaned. "Perry why do you always attack me like that? I was just looking at your personal stuff. So why did you…" I looked at him. "Oh yeah. Wait a minute Perry, how did you become my nemesis in the first place?"

"Yeah Agent P, how did you?" Karl asked. "Monogram didn't tell me when he hired me, so what made you decide that you wanted to be a secret agent?"

Suddenly I froze. How I became an agent? What made me so interested in risking my life in this high class job? I haven't thought about the answers to those questions in a long time. It been years since I first became interested in this sort of job.

"Well, since it is late." Monogram told us. "And we all want to know about Agent P's job, maybe this will be a good you know bedtime story."

"Ooh! Yeah, I like you thinking sir!" Karl piped in.

"Yay! Bed time story!" Dr. D cheered. "Now I get to learn more about my nemesis!"

"Come on Agent P." Monogram encouraged me. "Tell us how you first became a part of this agency." I just stood there, my legs were like Jell-O. "Come on, tell all of us about how I hired you and your interest about the agent business in the first place. Come on, let's not kill the suspense any longer. Tell us!" I gave in, I walked to Monogram's chair, folder in hand, and jumped onto it.

After it was done spinning me around, I opened up the folder to the starting page titled "How I became a Secret Agent" written by yours truly, me. I cleared my throat ready to read. I began to read, but chattering only came out of my mouth. Then my boss swiped it from me.

"Agent P, you're a platypus!" Monogram said. "You can't talk, all you can do is make your platypus noise. I'll read it!"

"Oh yeah, that's right!" Dr. D spoke up. "For a moment, I thought Perry was going to read us his whole bibliography in platypus language."

"Then we'll be here all night!" Karl added.

"Right Karl." Monogram agreed. "Which is why I'm going to read the story."

"Can I read the story sir?"

"No Karl. I got the book first, and you know the old saying; the early man gets to read the tale."

Yes sir." Karl said.

"Don't you mean the early bird catches the worm?" Dr. D asked him. Monogram glared at him.

"Okay, I get it you're the boss. And there's no birds or worms here. So, don't kill me!" Monogram then cleared his throat, and started to read.

As he started reading, the images started going through my mind. It all started when I was a very young platypus.