I am so sorry it has taken me so long to finish this. I know the actual story is done already, but I also wanted to post the last outtake, the one about the night of the party. I wanted to post this earlier, but I was so busy with work first and then during summer I couldn't find my inspiration. But one day, I got it back, and decided to write this and finish the story - completely.
Thank you for all your reviews through the months, for reading and for accompanying me through this journey. It has been an amazing one. I want to thank my beta Laloveskt for her guidance and proofreading. It was wonderful working with you and I hope we will continue this in the future too. *hugs*
I'm posting this today, cause it is my birthday. So, this is my birthday present to you. :) So to speak. Please, one last time, let me know what you think. I hope you like it, I really do. This chapter might be a bit darker, because both Alice and Jasper were at the bottom at that time. But we all know they will get their happy ending.
And as always, I am not S. Meyer and am only borrowing her characters a little bit.
OUTTAKE 2: The Party
It's sad to say that
This pain is killing me inside
But it's time to say
That this pain is keeping me alive
Twisting and turning
It rips through my heart
It's been tearing me apart
By the way
You left without saying
Goodbye to me
Now that you're gone away
All I can think about is
You and me
You and me
By the Way by Theory of a Deadman
Party after party after party – it was like my whole life these days consisted of parties. Funny, I always liked parties; but in a completely different way. I like to plan them and then watch other people, friends and family enjoy themselves; knowing I helped it happen. And I enjoyed them too. But now all I did was go to work in the evenings, watching people having fun from the stage. And after work I would go to a party and lose myself in the music and sometimes liqueur.
It was better this way. Cause then I was too busy to think, to busy to let my mind wander, to busy to travel to the past. To go back where I desperately wanted to be, but knew I would never be there again. Back to where everything seemed perfect, but wasn't really. Back to where I thought I was loved, but didn't deserve it. Who would love me?
I knew he cared about me, I knew they all did. I knew they were my friends, I knew they wanted to protect me and be there for me. And maybe he loved me once, too. I surely hoped he did. I liked to think he did, because I loved him with my heart and soul. But I also knew, somehow deep inside me, that I didn't deserve the love and the friendship. Couldn't explain it really, I just knew.
My parents never loved me. And if a parent doesn't love his child, there is something wrong with the child. I always thought every parent loves his child, every parent wants his child. But I guess I was naïve. Stupid, stupid Alice.
For a while, when I got together with him, I thought that maybe I had been wrong; that maybe my parents were wrong. I thought maybe I was worth it, since he seemed to think so. But in the end, it blew up in my face and reality caught up with me.
And so I ran, I ran as far away as I could, cut all ties and wallowed in my misery. It was a chicken move, I knew that, but I didn't care. I just couldn't confront him, couldn't tell him that I knew he loved another one. That I knew he was too good for me and that I knew I will never have a happy ending. I wanted to, but I couldn't. And that didn't leave me many choices.
I felt bad about leaving like that, but it was something I had to do. I had to find myself again, rediscover everything and define who I actually was and what I wanted to do with my life. But I wasn't very good at it and made no progress at all.
All I could do was think about him, about his smile, his gentle touch, his urgent kisses, his soul-penetrating looks. I cherished the happy memories but they brought me more pain and I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.
I cried until I had no tears left to cry. I was broken and hurt, lost my appetite, and lost my will to do anything. I had lost my will to live. I wasn't sure why I just didn't end it, but I didn't believe in suicide.
I loved him so much and hated him for what he had done to me at the same time. I wished we never had gotten together, so he wouldn't have hurt me this much, but at the same time couldn't regret it either. I didn't wish he would have told me the truth, I wished he would never have cheated on me in the first place. I wanted him to love me, and I wanted him to love me forever, damn it. He was suppose to be my anchor, he was suppose to save me and show me I was wrong, that I was worth saving and worth loving.
But his betrayal was like a slap in the face and I never wanted to see him again. He destroyed me. I didn't know he had such a hold on me, until it was too late. I wasn't sure if I gave him the power, but we've always just been Alice and Jasper. We'd had a connection, a bond. I couldn't explain it really; it was weird and mythical at the same time. And because of that, it hurt even more.
Sometimes I saw him. I saw him in my mirror, I saw him in windows reflections, I saw him in my dreams. I wanted him to go away, to disappear. I wanted to forget him and somehow move on. I didn't need a daily reminder of what I had lost, of what I wanted but would never have. I needed to grow up and face the consequences of the choices I'd made.
Today was especially hard. Ever since I've woken up in the afternoon, I had a bad feeling. And when I got to work, I've heard hell from the boss, telling me I'd never looked worse, I needed to gain some pounds and get that haunting look out of my eyes, otherwise I was done. And if that wasn't enough, a customer tried to cop a feel. I resisted and slapped him, but that meant no tip. And when I went out for a smoke, he was waiting for me and pushed me into the club's wall.
"You little ungrateful bitch," he said to me, holding my by my throat, pushing me against the wall.
"You think you're too good for me," he licked my face, "somehow above me?"
I tried to deny it, but couldn't say anything, because his grip on my throat was so strong. I shook my head as much as I could to convey the message.
"Well, I think you need to show it to me," he snickered, "I think you owe me."
I tried to get away, but couldn't. I tried to kick him, but he was too strong.
"Tsk, tsk," he laughed, "you need to be punished. What shall I do with you now, huh?" He let go with one hand and moved it down to my hips. "I have an idea. You should kneel down and suck me off."
I panicked and didn't know what to do. I was caught and couldn't move, his hand already started to push me down. But in the next moment, the door opened, and our bouncer came out, "Alice, your 5 minutes are up, you have to go back on stage."
He saw what was going on and came running, "Hey, get your hands off of her, you dirty piece of shit." He grabbed him and threw him off me, kicked him in the stomach and came back to help me up.
"Are you ok?" he asked. I just nodded, still shaken up, "Come on, let's get you back inside."
I didn't work anymore this evening, just went for a drink at the bar and tried to calm down. I was so shaken for a moment, so afraid. I needed to get out of here and I needed to do it fast. I waited for Lauren to finish her shift, so that we could go to Laurent's party. I didn't want to go at first, but now, I need to get drunk, I needed to forget and I needed to lose myself in some music.
When Lauren was finished, we took a cab to her friend's place. I could hear the music from the outside and couldn't wait to get inside. My fingers were itching for a drink and when we entered his place, I immediately went to the bar he'd set up. I ordered a gin and tonic and gulped it down right away. Nothing happened. I ordered one more and did the same. I started to feel warmer, probably since I have barely eaten anything all day. I started to feel better, so I ordered one more. And another one. And another one after that. I gulped them all down like I hadn't had a drink in ages.
After a while, when I already lost count of the drinks and the feeling for time, I wanted to dance. I wanted to feel the rhythm of the guitar and just sway to it. I moved toward the dance floor where people were tangled up in each other and that was when I saw him. He was leaning on the wall, staring into thin air. He has a glass in his hand, taking a sip every once in a while. I couldn't move, I just kept staring. His hair was messy, his eyes dark and haunted. He looked messed up but still unbelievably attractive. And what was most important, he reminded me of Jasper. There was just something about him that made me think of Jazz.
A tear run down my cheek and for a moment I wanted to turn away and run. But I didn't. I just kept standing there, watching him. A few other girls made a move on him but it was like he didn't see them at all. He didn't acknowledge them, didn't even spare them a look. He seemed so tired, worn out and somehow destroyed. He looked the way I felt.
Before I could think about what I was doing, I moved forward. It has been one hell of a day and tonight, I wanted to feel again. I wanted to be with Jasper one more time, to touch him, to kiss him, to feel him. I wanted to pretend this was really Jasper. I couldn't do it anymore, I need closure; I needed to say goodbye and really move on. What happened today was ample proof. I wanted to release myself from Jasper's hold, I wanted to finally put him behind me and for that I needed this. So, one more time, I would spend the night in his arms, and then I would be done with it. He didn't want my love and therefore didn't deserve it. He cheated on me and therefore lost the right to have a hold on me. I needed to let go, but before that I needed to love him one more time.
I knew I was using the poor guy, but hoped he was too drunk to realize. I hoped he would think he got lucky and just go away later. I needed to see Jasper in him, I needed to pretend he was Jasper; otherwise this wasn't going to work.
I was on a tour in Washington. A book tour to be more exact – and I hated every minute of it. My books were depressing and didn't have a happy ending, yet people craved them. I didn't understand it really. Why would you want to read about loss, sadness, death, darkness, etc. I knew why I wrote it, but I didn't really understand the readers. Perhaps they had realized what an ungrateful bitch life really is. My books didn't have a happy ending, because I didn't believe in one.
I did once, a long time ago. But then fate said fuck you and slapped me in the face. Easy as that. I once thought I had everything I needed and I still believe I had, but nothing lasts forever and I lost my everything. Wasn't good enough, wasn't worth loving, wasn't even worth the decency to be told that. One night my everything just disappeared and never came back.
Fuck. I didn't want to think about that now; I just wanted to have another drink. It was a difficult day. James and I concluded our book tour today and I didn't have a minute to myself. Sign here, sign there, answer questions here, and answer questions there. And now James wanted to drag me off to a fucking party, when all I wanted to do was lie down and drink myself to sleep. It just wasn't a good day.
There were days I was better, there were days I could go for a few hours without thinking about her; but then there were days I still wallowed in self misery. It was the worst in the beginning; I was a lost cause then. But I've made progress till now, I've started working, I started talking to people; I started act normally in public. I only let all the defenses and walls down when I was alone. And tonight I wanted to be alone.
"Hey, my man," James came barging into my hotel room. "My old friend Laurent is throwing a party, and I think we need to celebrate your success."
I sighed, I really didn't want company. "I don't feel like going out, James," I said.
"Oh, come on, it's your last day in Washington, you should make the most of it," he persisted.
And I intended to. "No, James, I'm not going."
"Think of all the chicks that will be there. You could pick one you like and fuck the life out of her, man," he insisted excitedly.
And with that sentence, all I could see was Alice lying under me, moaning my name, taking me in deeper. I shook my head, "I said no."
"Come on, don't be an ass, I need some pussy," he didn't give up. James never gave up.
"Go alone. Besides, aren't you in a relationship?" I raised my eyes to him.
"Yeah, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her," he smiled devilishly.
I stood up and went to the bathroom, "Just go, I'll see you tomorrow." I needed to splash some water on my face, I was getting sleepy and I had a date with a certain bottle tonight I didn't want to miss.
When I returned to the living room, James was still there.
"I'm not going," I said once again and sat back down.
"Fine," James conceded, "then just have one drink with me. We have to at least drink to the success of this book tour."
"Fine," I could do that. As long as he was gone after.
He handed me over the glass, already filled with whiskey, and made a toast to the tour. I gulped down the contents and put the glass back on the table.
James started saying goodbye and told me he would meet me down in the lobby in the morning. I just nodded and he exited the room. After a few minutes, I started feeling drunk and woozy and couldn't think straight anymore.
There was a knock on my door.
I got up and opened the door.
"Hey man, ready to go to the party?" James greeted me.
I knew there was something off, but I wasn't sure what. I couldn't think straight anymore, so I just nodded and went with him.
We arrived at Laurent's a while later and I was still in a weird state. As soon as we entered the room, James told me to have fun and he was off. I went to the bar and ordered myself a drink, then took a look around. Didn't see anything interesting.
"Keep them coming," I said to the bartender.
I went to the side of the dance floor and just leaned on the wall. I didn't want to be here and wondered why I was. I took another sip and once again looked around the room. People were dancing, most of them were drunk, some were talking, and others were making out. Not my kind of party, I thought it all disgusting.
The bartender brought me another drink and I savored the aroma. I closed my eyes and hoped everyone around me would disappear, the music stop and the noises with it. But when I opened my eyes, nothing changed. I closed my eyes again, but that was a mistake, because my mind brought me back to Alice. As I often did, I thought about the time we spent together, about the way her laugh sounded, about the way she danced through the stores when she shopped and the way her lips shaped when she would protest. I couldn't forget the way lines formed on her forehead when she was confused; but most of all her eyes. They sparkled when she was about to kiss me, searing in my memory the way she always looked at me, especially she was about to come.
I opened my eyes with a start, cursing myself for going there again. I needed to stop torturing myself, she was gone and that was it. I sounded like a cry baby who couldn't deal with a break up. People break up every day, it was part of life. I mentally kicked myself and drank down the remaining whiskey.
Suddenly, I noticed movement in front of me. Before I could realize what was happening, soft lips descended down on mine. I was shocked and wanted to pull away, but then noticed her smell. She smelled like spring and summer combined. A smell that reminded me of my past, a smell that brought back memories, a smell that I suddenly didn't want to let go anymore, but savor and take it in. Oh, what the hell, I told myself, and pulled her closer. She started dancing in my arms and I moved with her.
I didn't care who she was, what she wanted, I just wanted more of that smell, more of her. This was a party and I hoped she didn't expect anything, because I would be gone in the morning. After Alice, I never let anyone close again. She took my heart and soul with her, so now I didn't have one anymore. And even though I was brought up differently; I just didn't give a damn anymore. If girls wanted to sleep with me, I sometimes let them. I used them and left them the next morning, or usually even before that. I didn't want to hurt them, but I just didn't care. I didn't know love like I used to, I didn't know love like I did before. It wasn't about love anymore.
Her lips were kissing mine now and I could smell gin on her. I just hoped she wasn't too drunk, because I wanted her now. I turned around in a second, trapping her against the wall. She moaned and that drove me crazy. I pushed my tongue between her lips and they opened without resistance. My tongue touched hers and I felt shivers down to my bone. Now, that hasn't happened in a while. Usually, I didn't want any kind of kissing, any kind of foreplay; I just wanted to fuck. But this little stranger caught me by surprise and I allowed myself a luxury I haven't had in a while.
I groaned and deepened the kiss even more. Her tongue massaged mine gently yet urgently and I started getting needier. My hands roamed down her body and stopped at her hips. I lifted her up, while she put her legs around my waist and hands around my neck. I walked toward the stairs. There was a no pass sign, but I didn't give a damn. I took her upstairs, laid her down on the first bed I could find; never breaking the kiss.
She started unbuttoning my shirt and after a few seconds, it landed on the floor. Her hands traced my body, from my face down my throat, down to my pants. I thought she was going to pull down my pants, but I was wrong. Her hands went around my waist and she started caressing my back.
I pulled her back up with me, getting rid of her top in the process. I left the skirt on for now, but started unclasping her bra. I looked in her eyes then, for the first time in the evening. I caught my breath, seeing a girl that reminded me of Alice so much. She was thinner, her eyes had no sparkle and her hair was much shorter. She was like a ghost, a ghost I didn't want to disappear. For a moment, I thought I was imagined all of this, but I didn't care. Imagination or not, I didn't want it to end yet. She looked so broken and even though I usually didn't care, I wanted to make her feel something. I pulled her face back to mine and crashed my lips to hers once more. I didn't dare look at her, so I closed my eyes and entered her mouth with my tongue.
After a few seconds I returned my attention to her bra, unclasped it and threw it onto my shirt on the floor. Her breasts were perky and filled my hands nicely. I wondered if they would fit into my mouth the same way. No time like the present; I decided to try it. I broke the kiss and was lost for a moment, wanted the connection back. I lowered my head to her breast and licked them slowly and seductively. My tongue started to play with her nipples, making them hard and making her moan. She surprised me by arching her back up, filling my mouth with her breast. I was stone hard and was getting really uncomfortable in the tight jeans. I groaned and sat up, she followed suit and started unbuttoning my jeans.
I got up and stood next to the bed, my jeans already on the floor. She pulled the boxers off with one swift tug and started to fondle my dick. She looked me straight in the eyes, while she stroked it. I couldn't stand it, so I moved closer and positioned my dick in front of her mouth, telling her to suck it without words. She complied.
She opened her mouth and took me in. She licked it around the head first, and then all the way down. I closed my eyes, praying the feeling would never end. She started sucking it, grazing it with her teeth gently every once in a while. I gently grabbed her by the head and started moving faster. I couldn't take it anymore, so I pushed her back onto the bed, finally getting rid of the skirt, tearing her panties in the process.
I didn't go down on girls anymore, because I didn't feel like it. But somehow tonight was different. I spread her legs and started kissing her ankle, moving towards her centre. I left a wet trace behind, and when I finally got to her core, I blew slightly on it. She moaned loudly then and I thought she was going to come. I licked her really really gently and slowly once, and then blew with my breath on her pussy again.
"Please," she begged. "Please."
I gave in then and started licking her, gently sucking, moving up and down with my lips and tongue, then left and right. I entered her with my tongue and massaged her clit with my thumb. I felt her need increasing, so I changed positions, this time entering her with my finger and sucking her clit. She was getting closer, so I inserted one more finger and fucked her with them.
I didn't do this anymore; I didn't care if they came. Good if they did, didn't give a damn if they didn't. But tonight was different. She came with full force around me, breathing quickly, convulsing in spasms. I licked her cum off my fingers and then kissed her. She could taste her cum on my mouth when I entered her. And that drove my crazy. I didn't care about going slowly, I only wanted to feel good, so I fucked her fast and deep. Her nails sank into my back and her teeth bit into my shoulder encouraging me in my actions.
"Yes," she screamed, "faster," she urged. And I readily complied.
"This feels so good," she added and I could only agree.
I knew I was about to come and I wanted to pull out, but I couldn't. I didn't want to stop and I didn't want to lose the connection. I really hoped she was on the pill, cause we didn't use a condom. But at that moment, I didn't care. I buried myself even deeper in her and continued my pace until I heard her scream "I'm coming again, Jasper." I gave her a weird look but decided to ignore it and instead listened to her moans and shattered into a million pieces myself.
We laid there for a few minutes, with me still buried deep inside her, unwilling to move. She didn't protest either. But soon, reality came crashing back and I slowly pulled out, got up and put my clothes back on. I wasn't sure if I heard her scream my name, it couldn't be, since I have never told her. My mind must be going crazy. I had probably imagined it, as I had imagined Alice under me. I cursed and got up, and left the room without sparing her a glance.
I ran down the stairs and straight out the door. I couldn't believe how messed up I'd become. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. This wasn't me, I didn't act like this; I didn't do things like that. Being broken wasn't an excuse to act without a conscience. They deserved better, hell, I wanted better.
I got a cab back to the hotel, went straight up to my room and fell into a deep sleep.
I screwed up when I called the stranger Jasper, I knew it the moment the words left my mouth. But I couldn't stop myself; I was enjoying the pretense way too much. It felt so good thinking Jasper was there with me and not some stranger. I didn't have sex with strangers, I didn't actually have sex with anyone and even this time I didn't consider it like that, really. I was pretending it was Jasper all along and that had to count for something. At least in my mind it did.
I gathered my clothes and put them back on, then went down the stairs. I saw Lauren sitting in a guy's lap, giving me a smug look. She must have seen the guy coming out before me and knew what happened. I ignored her and went out. I was still drunk and a bit sore from the sex, so I called a cab and let it drove me back home. I laid down on my bed and fell asleep in the middle of making plans. I had decided to change my life, start putting away some money and getting myself a new job and a new place. I didn't want to do this anymore, things needed to change. I needed to put my past behind me, and start fresh.
6 weeks later
"Shit," I said, sitting on the toilet looking at the pregnancy stick. "Fuck."
I was pregnant. Once, I had unprotected sex, once, and I ended up pregnant. I panicked, since I didn't know what to do. I saved some money in this month, still working at the club. I wanted to continue working there until I had enough to move away, rent a place and get a new job. No, no, no, no.
12 weeks later
"You're fired," my boss told me.
"What?" I asked, not quite believing what I was hearing.
"You're fired. You're pregnant Alice; you can't hide it anymore. And I don't need and won't have pregnant girls dancing on stage, sorry."
"What about behind the bar?" I tried. I needed this job. I didn't save nearly enough, I needed more.
"Sorry, but no," my now former boss was relentless. "You screwed up, Alice, I have to let you go. This isn't a place for pregnant women; you'll have to find something else." And with that he was out of the room.
I sat down, afraid. Lauren has already told me to get rid of the baby, but I couldn't. Even though I panicked when I found out, I didn't regret it. I wanted to have it, I had started to love it already. Somehow, I would find a way, a solution. I wouldn't give up, never. This was my baby, my second chance.
Thank you so much for reading. It has been such a pleasure!
And if you can spare a moment, a review would make my birthday extra special. :)