AN: Okay, I playing around on my regular sites and realized that today was Jensen's B-day, and I thought…hmmmmm what would Dean want most for his 30th birthday? So here is my take, and as a warning, it isn't as angsty as most of my stuff.
Hell dreams now were different. Or at least his mind had found a new version of hell to use. That was the kicker wasn't it? His own mind thought it was funny to torture him, he hadn't been kidding when he told Sam that he had enjoyed torturing people, apparently he liked it so much that he enjoyed doing it to himself. Yeah, that sounds about right, because torturing himself had been his favorite pass time before hell, so why should that have changed.
This new version of hell was scarier than the actual hell. Instead of the sounds of pain, and gore being slopped onto the floor, instead of the smell of a slaughter house, he was as assaulted with the smell of the rain, with a tinge of blood. His eyes were forced to watch his little brother, limp in his arms, dead, Jake's knife severing his spinal cord. This new, and improved hell scenario, had him repeating everything from that fateful night.
"I gotcha, I gotcha."
The motions, putting his hand against his brother's back, finding blood, the panic rising in his throat, him pulling his brother's limp body away from his shoulder, watching his head bob around, and then, then when he would push the long wet hair out of his brother's closed eyes they would open, startling him, and the eyes were yellow. Sam would grin and laugh.
Then the torturous words, the single sentence that could bring Dean Winchester to his knees were uttered. "I don't need you anymore."
That was when he awoke. He felt the car rumbling underneath him, and remembered that he was in the car, that Sam was driving, and that they were headed to another destination that would take them to a hunt.
"You okay?" Sam asked and gave a quick sideways glance to his brother.
"Peachy." Dean said as he struggled to sit up and clear the images out of his head.
"Of course not. Dreamt about daisies and lollypops. Fun times, fun times." He said and rubbed his eyes.
"Dean, you can talk to me you know."
"No. Wouldn't want to whine about my time in hell now would I? That makes me weak." He jabbed. That shut Sam up. It always shut Sam up these days.
They drove in silence for a while and then Dean sighed. "Sorry."
"About that last comment."
"It was deserved." Sam said tightly.
"No. Not really." Dean sighed. "Just sorry."
"Dream that bad?"
"Dreams are always that bad Sam. They never get better, and I don't deserve for them to, so just drop it." Sam took a deep breath and tried his best not to let it come out as a sigh. Dean heard the sigh even if Sam didn't let it out.
"Motel is close." Sam said tightly. "I think we should stop. I need some sleep."
More like you need me to sleep so you can go sneak out and meet up with Ruby. Dean thought, but he simply nodded. No need to start an argument on a day like today. Today should be a happy day, full of cake and friends, and presents. But, that wasn't his fate. Today, his thirtieth birthday, he would be in a motel room researching a hunt, and hoping that when his brother says he's going out for food, that he really is going out for food and not stopping somewhere to have a long involved discussion with Ruby on how to get rid of him and Lilith while at the same time destroying the one person in this life that he loved most…Sam.
"Yeah okay, whatever." Dean said and turned to start watching out of the window again.
Sam understood the implied content of that sentence and he struggled to repress the sigh that was bubbling up in his stomach. He deserved this distrust, he had done nothing since Dean's return from hell to inspire any sort of trust in his brother, he had become someone else, someone that Sam didn't necessarily like either. He had become his father, hook, line and sinker. His brother was sitting right next to him, and he still felt the burning desire to rip Lilith apart. Why? What did it matter now? Dean was with him, whole, a little damaged, but still he was here. Wasn't that what he had wanted? Wasn't that the whole point of getting Lilith? To get revenge for killing his brother? A week ago he decided that he was going to try to squelch those urges, to go back to the way things were before, before Lilith entered their lives. He wanted to be a little brother, a little brother Dean could trust again.
They arrived at the motel and Sam surreptitiously watched his brother get out of the car and walk to the room and unlock the door. It always looked as if it took effort for his brother to move his body anymore, and that depressed Sam. Had hell really done that much damage, or was it the lack of sleep, or was it the lack of trust in a younger brother? Any of those options hurt Sam to the core. Sam allowed the sigh to escape this time and followed his brother inside the motel room.
"You gonna sleep?" Sam asked when he put the bags down on his bed.
"No. Tired of trying."
"What are the dreams about Dean?"
"Dean, it is something."
"Only matters to me. Don't worry about it Sam."
"I want to help."
"No you really don't Sam." That hurt.
"Dean, I'm your brother."
"I don't know who you are, but you aren't my brother anymore."
"Sam. I just miss you."
"I'm right here."
"No. You aren't. Dad is right here. My brother Sam disappeared."
"It's true and you know it."
"But you told Dad stuff."
"No. I told my little brother stuff, and told Dad what was needed."
"I thought you two were really close."
"We understood each other. That was all. And that is what it has become with you Sam. I understand your need for revenge, I understand why you are so messed up, I even understand why you would want to use your powers. I understand. But I can't talk to you." Dean looked down at his hands. "And that is just how it is now. I have to get used to it, and so do you."
"You aren't going to stop the whole powers thing. I know that. I'm not as dumb as you think."
"I'm so sorry Dean."
"Save it. Don't want to hear it. I'm gonna go for a walk."
"No. Wait. No."
"What Sam? What do you want?" Sam pulled his phone out of his back pocket and threw it at his brother. Dean gave him a confused look and asked, "What do I want with your phone?"
"Scroll through my contacts." Dean cocked an eyebrow at his cryptic brother but did as instructed and looked through the contacts.
"Notice anyone missing?" He looked through again and noted that Ruby's numbers were missing.
"Ruby's number is gone. So what? It isn't like you can't just put it back whenever you want."
Sam smiled a little and took the phone from his brother and got inside his duffel and retrieved the video camera that they usually reserved for looking for ghosts and did a little manipulation of the camera's controls, opened the viewfinder and handed it to his brother.
"Watch this Dean." Dean sat down on the bed and took the camera and watched through the view finder.
It was a warehouse and Sam was standing in the middle of the room, and appeared to be waiting. Then he heard footsteps coming from somewhere off camera and then Ruby appeared.
"You said you had information?" Sam said.
"Yeah. Lilith is close. You ready to ride?"
"I can't just go off now Ruby, you know that. Give me some time. I have to maneuver Dean in the right direction. It'll take a day or so."
"But by that time she might be gone."
"Ruby, he's already suspicious, I can't have him anymore suspicious." Ruby walked closer to Sam, arms crossed.
"You have got to do what you want Sam. You can't let your big brother control your life for the rest of it." Sam smiled.
"No. I can't let anyone do that."
"No. You can't."
"Good then we agree." Sam extended his right hand and began the process of ripping the demon out of the body.
"What?" Cough. "What?" She continued to choke on her own demon smoke. "Sam?" And then the rest of her was pulled from the woman and forced down into the ground, forced back to hell. Dean looked up at his brother, and smiled.
"You sent Ruby back to hell?"
"Happy birthday Dean."
"Let's watch that again." Dean said with a grin and hit rewind.