A/N: Ok, yeah, I do know that I told you that I wouldn't update further till my exams ended, but I had the sudden inspiration for this today, and finished writing it out in a couple of hours, and then ultimately decided to upload it. I'm warning you beforehand that this is a different genre of writing, not what I normally write. This is kinda dark and angsty. My first try at writing something of this sort, so let me know how it went down with you people.
And btw, this is an out-and-out BWEN fic, though initially it may not seem like that to you guys. But believe me, I would never write anything that isn't strictly Bwen, so don't worry. And yeah, this whole thing is from Ben's perspective. Here you go…
I watched as life flashed before my eyes, but not my life…her life. Gwen's life. The perfect life, the flawless way everything turned out, just like she had planned. Could this really be true? I watched from the sidelines as her whole life flew by me.
I sat in the front row at her wedding, watched her marry Kevin – the perfect boyfriend she could have. They were the model couple, bound together for the rest of their lives – or so I'd thought. A year later I heard from a friend that she was pregnant. I sent a gift with no return address, same with their next two kids. I didn't know why I did it, in spite of the fact that I had receded into the back of her mind. I just couldn't stand not to. I saw her nearly every day. She never noticed, probably because every time I saw her, I hid. I heard every day about what a great job she was doing with whatever case she was working on. She had opted to become a lawyer. And why not? She always used to win most of our arguments.
Call me crazy all you want, but I saw most of her life…I witnessed the big moments… And though I was there, I still wasn't really there. The one thought which haunted me every time I set eyes on her pretty face was that it was me, who could have, should have been that ideal guy she married. She should have been the one to bear my kids, with their adorable emerald green eyes, just like their mummy, and their daddy. I had my chance though. It was just that I had never made the right use of it. Never screamed out loud to her – to the entire world, that yes, she was the girl I loved. She was the one I wanted to spend the whole of my life with. I was everything she should have wanted, but we were perfect in the kind of way that was so wrong but so right at the same time. She wanted to marry a guy who would be her ideal doting husband, and love her with every bit of his heart. She'd even told me once that she wished all guys were as loving and understanding as me. My heart had inwardly rejoiced at that little approval of hers, but I had never found the opportunity to actually tell her that. Or maybe, there had been many opportunities, and I had not made use of a single one of them. I had let them all pass me idly by, all the while waiting for that perfect moment, when I would actually tell her how much I loved her. I had waited, and waited, and waited… And only after it was all over did I realise that that perfect moment had already passed by… I had already had my chance.
I attended the wedding; left before the ceremony was over unnoticed and made sure to stay out of her life. I watched though, even though she was unaware of it. I was always on the outside, as if looking through a window at the kind of life I could have had. I saw the happiness I could have brought to life in her eyes. I watched as she became more successful with every passing day of her life. I watched her get everything she had ever hoped and dreamed for and found both pain and pleasure in her success and happiness.
Then, some three years later, I attended Kevin's funeral. I sat in the back once again, always unnoticed. I sat through the ceremony to honor the life of a man I had hated through the majority of my life. It was not him that was to blame though and I knew it; it had always been my choice. She sat in the front with her children. I watched as she went up to speak of her husband and I could see the love in her eyes, the true happiness he had given her. A small doubt crept into my mind. Could I ever have given her the same happiness that he had given her? The sudden rush of memories from my childhood confirmed me that yes, I would have been able to provide her the same happiness – maybe even more… I left that day quietly trying to sneak out in the crowd but as I turned back to take one more glance at her I saw her turned, looking at me too. Our eyes locked for a split second before I turned and rushed out of the church.
The ringing of my phone awoke me in the middle of the night; I answered it tiredly to hear my friend's voice on the other line, "Ben! Gwen's in the hospital!"
…And there I stood, outside the door of her hospital room. All of those moments had led up to this very minute, as if to prepare me for this. I waited. Should I go in? I stepped back and observed the door. Wood, just like other doors. I reached forward grasping the metal knob with my hand and turning it. I opened the door and walked in cautiously. She had the whole room to himself. At the sound of the door opening, she turned towards me standing in the doorway. I stood frozen five steps inside the room but still five steps away from her bed.
"Ben?" she said quietly, looking at me astonished. Apparently, she had not expected me to be there. I didn't know why, but I could see a certain something in her eyes. Whether it was remorse, apprehension, or hesitation, I had no idea.
"Gwen, I…" I was interrupted as her youngest daughter came flying past me and into her mother's arms.
"Mom!" She screamed.
Out eyes met for a split second before she turned back to her daughter and I left the room, setting the flowers I had bought on the table as I left. I would always be just a memory and an unnoticed figure in the background. I had already had my chance…
Or had I?
A/N: Ok…so how was that? I've thought of keeping this a one shot for now, but if you want, I'll consider adding a couple of chapters to it. But for that, I need your opinions and reviews. Review, guys!