After the food fight I had to take a little boy to the office for first aid because he got hit in the head with a really hard piece of pizza crust. But I nearly fainted when I saw who was at the front office!
"Ya but I'm like Edward Cullen's girlfriend and we're getting married! He like totally dumped Bella Swan for me because I am so much hotter than her and my boobs are wayyyy bigger!" this horrifying nasally voice said.
"Ya totally! And like I'm like her wedding planner. I know like, everyone in Hollywood, because my Dad like is like a celebrity lawyer!"
I just stood there and gaped at Jessica and Lauren as they freaked out the lady at the front desk. Edward had followed me when I took the little boy and now he was gaping too.
"No way. No way no way no way."
Emmett had apparently followed us as well. He was a third gaper.
"Please god of all things good and delicious jelly let those two not be who I think they are."
Alice popped out of a storage closet with Jasper, her shirt inside out.
"Hey guys! What are we all staring a-OH MY GOD NO WAY!!!"
Jasper said nothing but looked literally petrified. Then he mumbled some excuse about shoes and monkeys and ran in the opposite direction, his shoes squeaking all the way down the corridor.
Lauren and Jessica slowly turned around and glared at all of us, and we faced each other like a pair of gunslingers. A large piece of tumbleweed rolled across the floor and disappeared into the distance.
"Bella." Lauren sneered at me, her acne seemed to be even more defined under the fluroescent lights.
"Eddie" she then said in an even more sickeningly sweet voice, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him flinch and get goosebumps.
"So, like, I was thinking because you like, totally love me and stuff, we should like, start planning the wedding! Oh and like because we're getting married we should totally have sex soon, coz I'm like, totally a virgin because I like love you so much I saved myself for you and stuff..." I saw Emmett gag, literally, and NOTHING makes Emmett puke except really off food and bad tacos..."OMG! Why is Bella here? I thought you said we were going to get like a restraining order on her! OMG! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!"
By this time she was somewhat sexually assaulting Edward by creepily caressing his bicep, and I think she may have licked his ear.
By this time I had had enough. Edward was on the verge of cardiac arrest and the little boy with pizza-crust-head issues had started bawling really loudly because Lauren's imposter perfume smelt so horrifying, so I had to step in.
"Look Lauren, this isn't funny. Edward and I already have a wedding planner, Jessica, and Lauren, Edward doesn't have feelings for you. And well as for you being a virgin..." then Rosalie (who had appeared from the bathroom seconds earlier) pissed herself laughing.
Lauren bitchslapped me. Hard, straight across the face. It was pretty impressive. "Bella you're only famous because everyone feels sorry for you, like those really fat people on amazing medical stories."
"Wow. You bitchslapped me. I did NOT see that coming," was all I could say. I could feel a big red mark coming up.
This was getting out of hand - I needed backup. Edward was, as I could see, deliberating between punching a girl (but couldn't because of his gentlemanliness.. if Lauren was a guy she'd be dead by now) and calling the cops. But help was on the way. Behind Lauren, Jasper was leading an army of small but able bodied warriors armed with food smelling like dirty socks. I was too shocked to move but Edward dragged me, Emmett, Rose and Alice out of the way (no easy task) before the tiny (yet deadly) minions got confused and dealt the lethal blow of death by dirty sock jelly. AN that is a WEIRD sentence.
Then the minions attacked - Lauren and Jessica were dealt a brutal assault of inedible spaghetti and, coincidentally, every messy food ever invented, including mash potatoes, lasagne, and painful chunks of hard sausage. Soon they were screaming and were chased out of the school by blow dealing minions, I mean, children.
Jasper led them back in to class as the bell went. What a day.
We were silent, observing the bleak aftermath of the day that will be forever known as 'Mash Wednesday'.
Emmett: "That was weird."
Us: "I know!"
I know that was a bit weird but I have no idea if I'll get any readers for this, but I loved this story and figured I may as well have a go!
If you have any ideas for the next chapter, I don't, so drop me a line with them!
Thanks for reading,