Excerpts from The Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones

November XX, 200X

Attire: Black Prada, pink shirt, black tie w/silver spots. To do: have drycleaned, some of those spots are new additions.

World in Danger of Imploding: No.

Alien Contact: 3 captured. One artifact of unknown usage recovered and archived.

Rift Activity: Minimal.

Cleaned: boardroom, greenhouse, pantry, team workstations, Jack's office. The last took three times as long as all the others combined, because Jack wanted to "help". Told him that is not even close to where I keep the Lysol wipes, but he would not be deterred from checking thoroughly for himself.

Restocked: green tea, envelopes, lube. Low on coffee and paperclips.

Notes: Received new brochures today for the tourist information office. Very pretty, but missing that extra touch. Took it upon myself, added informational leaflet - "Mr. Prostate - Why He's Man's Best Friend", complete with easy-to-follow diagrams - to the centre of each brochure. Must be sure to take screencaptures of reactions from CCTV footage.


January XX, 200X

Attire: Grey Armani, blue shirt, grey striped tie.

World in Danger of Imploding: Yes, but only for three hours, then contained.

Alien Contact: 1 destroyed, 1 captured.

Rift Activity: Moderate.

Cleaned: N/A

Restocked: N/A

Notes: Jack died today. Number 12 and counting since I've been at Torchwood 3. Never gets any easier to see. After-party great as always; apparently nothing better for a man's libido than resurrection. Impersonated pretzel once again, but well worth it as usual.

February XX, 200X

Attire: Ralph Lauren black, purple shirt, black tie.

World in Danger of Imploding: 5% possibility, within acceptable range.

Alien Contact: 1 captured (Weevil).

Rift Activity: Minimal.

Cleaned: Vault, Autopsy Bay, Owen and Toshiko's workstations, Jack's hole.

Restocked: Syringes, Latex gloves, memo pads, sugar, milk, condoms.

Notes: Suspect Gwen has crush on Jack. Suspect Jack reciprocates. Suspect that would be hot, hope am invited to join in. Argentinian tourist on the make in the tourist office earlier. Would not take no for an answer. Suspect Jack is part caveman, suspect Argentinian tourist has moderate concussion. Suspect Jack likes Angry!Possessive!sex, as was subsequently pounded six ways from Sunday against the shop door. Suspect old women walking by got an eyeful. Could have sworn one of them was watching us and pointing at her Cardiff tourist brochure to her friends.

April XX, 200X

Attire: Birthday suit.

World in Danger of Imploding: World? No. Brain? Yes.

Alien Contact: N/A

Rift Activity: Nil

Cleaned: Jack.

Restocked: Jack.

Notes: Rift quiet today; Jack told everyone to stay home - except self, having stayed in his hole all night. Before he woke up this morning I decided to check what I suspected. My tape measure must be broken. Not humanly possible. Well, it always FELT... but it must be broken. Yes.

Barely have time to make this entry before he returns. Situation with Gwen has cleared. She won't give up Rhys, and Rhys isn't keen on Man on Man on Woman on Man sex, so it's a no go. However, Jack has asked how I'd like a little maid's outfit for my birthday. Unsure as to how to respond.