Excerpts From The Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones #9

April XX, 20XX

Attire: Ralph Lauren black pinstripe, red shirt, black and purple tie.

World In Danger of Imploding: Not so much.

Aliens Encountered: 2 Vorgarth paper-eaters, both bagged and tagged

Rift activity: Nil

Cleaned: No time for cleaning!

Restocked: No time for restocking!

Notes: Finished my and Jack's personal income tax. Just barely got them in the postbox before the deadline. Was doing fine for time until got in argument with Jack over what could and could not be claimed - no, I said, you cannot claim lube, silicone toys, various dildos and brothel expenses. He begged to differ, and showed me past returns...seems I was wrong.

Of course, reading what he claimed in 1989 ended with vigorous sex among the forms, just like last year. Hope do not receive snarky complaints about soiled paper from the government again. So, so mortifying.


May XX, 20XX

Attire: Tailor-made grey pinstripe, white shirt, blue and black tie.

World In Danger of Imploding: Not my world at least - don't know about the Queen's though.

Aliens Encountered: Nil

Rift activity: Minor fluctuations

Cleaned: Pretty much the entire hub, as Jack was not around to distract me.

Restocked: Entire kitchen re-stocked. Plus lube - new, improved cherry-flavoured.

Notes: Jack has been sent for sensitivity training, after hitting on the wrong person. Apparently the Queen does not enjoy blatant innuendo paired with close, personal, full-body hip to hip, pelvis to pelvis hugs with a few grinding thrust thrown in for good measure. Who would have guessed? Can't wait to see how Jack progresses in this latest venture.

Later - 8pm - Jack is back already, apparently after seducing and bedding his sensitivity training instructors. All 4 of them. At once. Yes, that's Jack all right.

May XX, 20XX

Attire: birthday suit

World In Danger of Imploding: Not today, thanks.

Aliens Encountered: 2 weevils, bagged and tagged

Rift activity: Minimal

Cleaned: Nothing, it's my birthday!

Restocked: Cake!

Notes: Tonight my dreams came true. Jack gave me the best present ever. He's always having me dress up, but tonight he really came though for me.

I had told Jack about going to see this show in London when I was a kid, a musical called "Matador", which had the most delicious man in the lead role, in a Spanish bull-fighting outfit. I remember masturbating fervently for weeks after that show, thinking of that man and his get-up.

Needless to say, when I arrived at the Hub this morning, Jack greeted me in full Matador-guise, sang for six acts and finished me up with a stellar blowjob on the roof of the Welsh Assembly.

And that's not all. Tonight, he says, I get to be the bull. Score!!


June XX, 20XX

Attire: M&S solid black - white shirt, grey tie. Need to stay on top of the laundry problem, damnit.

World In Danger of Imploding: No. Are we having better luck than usual, or what?

Aliens Encountered: One questionably-shaped metal artifact. Indexed and archived. And if Jack thinks he's getting anywhere near my privates with it, he's sorely mistaken.

Rift activity: Minuscule hiccoughs

Cleaned: Deepest, darkest storage room on sub-basement 5 of hub.

Restocked: Swiffer products.

Notes: Oh, what I have discovered today! And we all thought Jack came by his perfect body with no effort at all!

Digging deep into the Torchwood refuse, have discovered Jack's hidden cache of work-out equipment. Best of all was the Thighmaster (!) and Torchwood Official Workout Program VHS tape, featuring Jack in full 1980's-era work-out gear, with obligatory sweat bands and leg-warmers, squeezing, thrusting and grinding his way to bad 80's music.

Shocking, how erotic Jack looks on his side, squeezing his thighs around a big red contraption... shit, where's the lube again?