My life is a toilet.

No, my life is less than a toilet.

My life is a toilet brush.

Nope, still not even close.

My life is the brown stain on the bottom of a toilet bowl.

I'm getting warmer.

My life is a fanfiction.

Bingo.

And oh, what a horrific mess of a fanfiction it is. This particular fanfiction is riddled with plot holes, illogical and downright impossible scenes and terrible grammar. I think it was written by some eleven year old girl high on cough medicine or helium. I would like nothing more than to reach out of the screen and strangle her to death for making my existence so miserable.

The only joys of fanfiction that I have been spared from are Mary Sues. I'm not really sure if my friends are original characters or characters from the original story, but they are all far from perfect. Here's a short list of my closest friends, complete with health warnings.

First, there's Sora Hikari. He is so annoyingly cheerful and optimistic I want to take his rainbows and butterflies and ram them right up his skinny - … Yeah, you get it. He's supposed to be sixteen, but he acts like he's six. We thought he had ADHD, but when his parents took him to the doctor he just told them to stop feeding him sugar and caffeine. Now his diet is pretty much just raw vegetables and cold meat, so he's rather mal-nourished and stick thin. He's also hungry all the time, so we feed him most of our lunches to stop him from starving to death. Sora is also about as straight as a roundabout, and is constantly being molested by the resident pretty boy, Riku Yami. And liking it. The thought makes me shudder.

Then there's his twin brother, Roxas Hikari, the angry one. If you so much as look at him the wrong way he'll go off his rocker and try to stab you with the nearest pointy thing. Once he tried to brain me with a computer keyboard, leaving me with bruises in places I didn't even know I could get bruises. He's been kicked out of anger management classes for trying to wrestle the teacher out of the third-story window. However, if you catch him in a good mood he can be a lot of fun to hang around. He's a computer whiz, and once he made a virus that hacked into every user account in the school and changed their desktops to a really rowdy pornographic image. He is currently being courted by Axel Kaji and seeming to hate every minute of it.

Next in the line is Riku Yami – Everyone's favorite drag queen. Seriously, if he was any more up his own arse he'd be able to see out of his own mouth. Once, I tried to talk to him while we were standing in front of the grubby mirror in the boy's bathroom. He did not look away from his reflection once, and it's kind of disturbing to try and talk to a guy while he's flipping his hair about and looking at himself this way and that. I don't think I'd have been surprised if he'd pulled out a tube of lipstick and written his name on the mirror, surrounded by love hearts. He's been with Sora for about a year now, but he's cheating on Sora with himself. I also saw him make out with Axel once, but it's not my business so I just keep my observations to myself.

Last in the list of guys, but certainly not the least, is Axel Kaji, the resident pyromaniac. His arms and hands are all scarred and blistered from year's worth of third-degree burns, so he always wears long sleeves and gloves, even if it's a thousand degrees out. Last year the old, unused buildings at the back of the school were scheduled to be demolished in the school holidays, so Axel decided to save the school the fee for the demolisher and snuck on campus one night, doused the whole building in petrol and gunpowder and blew it sky-high.

He was bailed from jail a week before school went back, and we think he was wearing a wig for the first semester until his hair grew back.

Axel is rather like fire – unpredictable, destructive and when he hits you it hurts for weeks. He, like practically every other male in this Godforsaken school, is so gay he makes Chris Crocker seem straight. His current love interest is the feisty Roxas Hikari, who is rumored to have helped Axel blow up the school, but nobody can prove it.

The first female that comes to mind is the school prostitute, Kairi Shinzo. She'll give you a hand job if you do her homework, a head job if you get all the answers right, and she's been known to do the odd quickie in between classes if you promise to buy her lunch for the rest of the week. Her special offer for this semester is letting you do whatever you want to her for up to half an hour if you complete an assessment assignment for her. You get to double your time if you get an A for it. I considered taking her up on that offer so that I could tie her to a chair, tell her what a slut I think she is and leave her there, but then I remembered that she's in Honors for Geometry and History, and I'm not very good at either.

I don't know if the heartless wench actually has a crush on either Riku or Sora, but she's hell bent on breaking the two up. Once, she offered Riku a hand job free of charge, but do you know what he said to her? "I can do that myself."

No joke.

Then there's Naminé Dorobo. Dear, sweet Naminé, who couldn't do enough for her friends and whose only ambition in life is to make her father proud.

Psyche.

The girl is a kleptomaniac. Seriously, she can sniff out a full wallet at fifty paces and empty it in twenty seconds. Once she stole my locker key she went through everything in there and took everything that was either of some value or shiny. After that, I sewed a zip onto my pocket to keep her out. It worked for about a week, until she got the hang of quickly undoing zippers silently and doing them back up. Then I installed a small combination padlock that can't be picked. I haven't told a soul the code, either. So far it has been successful, but I did see her wrestling with a pair of bolt cutters in metalwork the other day.

Naminé has no love interest that I know of, apart from the lock on my pocket. I'm beginning to think that she's asexual.

My final friend is Zexion Shigoto, a student teacher. If you want something, you go to Zexion, because he's the guy who can get it for you. Gum, lollies, a new pair of jeans, porn, whatever you want, he can get it. He even managed to get a fluffy rabbit in for one of the younger girls once. He takes orders from Wednesday to Friday, and on the weekends he gets on a train and a couple of buses to get his orders. Then, somehow, he sneaks it all in past security and distributes it during his free lessons on Monday and Tuesday. It's expensive to order through Zexion, but he doesn't get paid much and his bus fares aren't cheap, so everyone is usually quite happy to pay an extra couple of dollars to get their stuff.

I met Zexion when I put in an order for a new DS and a couple of games. On the outside I was quite the gamer, but I was not permitted to bring my DS to school with me, so as soon as I caught wind of Zexion I was banging on the door of his office, asking for a DS. We got talking, and before I knew it we'd spent the whole day in his office, chatting about games and consoles and whatever else we could think of. When I came out of the room six hours later and four hundred dollars lighter, I had found my first real friend.

Since my first large order I haven't really ordered much from him, just a couple of posters and some cheaper games. However, he usually gives me a bit of a discount if I help him hand out the goods on Monday mornings, when he's usually hung over.

Actually, looking back over that list, I think I'd rather spend my days with a group of Mary Sues. At least they'd let me copy their homework. Still, all seven of us board (and one is learning to teach) at Gakko High, a correction center for juvenile delinquents in the mountains. There is nothing but forest for almost fifty miles, but we somehow still get reception here. The school was built in the mountains so that if any students escaped they wouldn't be a danger to society. However, escape is nigh-on impossible. The school is like a fortress, surrounded by barbed wire, electric fences, guard dogs and a moat. The last kid to attempt an escape wound up spending his last days in a minimum security hospital upstate, drinking his food through a straw.

Even though Gakko High is supposed to be a correctional center, the teachers are very lax when it comes to rule breaking. If it isn't against the law, they don't really care, but if it is they might try to give you a detention for it, but that's only if it's a big law like fraud, grand theft auto or assault. Even then you can just 'forget' to go to your detention and they won't care. Once I copped a new teacher and a detention when I didn't hand in an assignment on time, and when I went to serve my time I found a completely empty classroom with 'detention' scrawled on the whiteboard. Classes are much the same. They don't even bother with the roll call anymore, because there's usually just under half the class missing on a good day.

I'm not quite sure how I ended here, actually. I'm a decent enough student, perfectly sane and harboring no homicidal urges. I think it had something to do with my stepmother wanting me out of her hair, but whatever. She's a bitch, so I don't think of her too much.

What do I enjoy doing in my spare time? Well, my primary hobby is people-spotting. I know all that goes on – who's going out with who and the like. I know that Riku and Sora are experimenting with handcuffs and chains, I know that Kairi wears a female condom thing, I know that my Drama teacher and my Science teacher are having an affair and I know exactly how much gunpowder Axel is in possession of. I get a lot of info through Zexion, but just as much is from my own sniffing around. I like to think I don't care about anyone but myself, but the awful author who dictates the fanfiction that is my life cares more about relationships than an actual meaningful plot, so I care a lot. It's like being possessed, really. So, a lot of my free time is spent with those 'friends' of mine, mucking around with them, chilling with them and watching and analyzing them. I've become quite the nosy parker, actually, and I can't believe that nobody is onto me yet.

The only thing I really love doing for myself is playing my DS. However, it's a bad idea to have expensive electronics around kleptomaniacs, pyromaniacs and destructive geniuses, so I can only pull it out from underneath the loose floorboard under my bed when I have all the curtains closed and the door locked. I was lucky enough to get a room by myself, so I take advantage of this. Once, Axel asked me what I was doing in there with the door locked, so I told him I was watching porn. He looked kind of hurt and asked me why I wasn't sharing with him.

After my DS, I enjoy writing. Fanfiction, mostly. I just grab a pair of headphones and nestle down in front of one of the school computers to type my stories and listen to music. All of my work is saved to my private USB key – if I saved any of it to the computer or to the school hard drive it would be destroyed and I would be ridiculed to the end of my days. I'm not worried about people reading it over my shoulder – most people don't want to know what others do on the computers, and the ones who do know see the word document and the words and assume I'm doing work and leave me alone.

My current project is a fanfiction for my favorite DS game, The World Ends With You. Here, I'll share my first chapter with you.

"The sea was calm today – blue waves rolled gently southwards as the weak winter sun smiled quietly overhead. A few fluffy white clouds floated happily in the azure sky, casting light shadows on the large white ferry that gracefully bobbed across the water.

As it was such a beautiful day, the top deck of the ship was crowded with people lazing about on towels or deck chairs, trying to catch a tan in the winter sun. As a result, the indoor lounge was almost completely empty.

A rather moody looking boy in his late teens sat on a bench next to the window, face pressed up against the glass as he gazed at the waves outside without really seeing them. His breath fogged up the glass, but he made no movement to clear it off. His ginger hair fell damply around his shoulders in limp spikes, as if he had just emerged from a swimming pool or a rainstorm. The top of his baggy blue jumper was also quite wet, but from his waist down he was completely dry.

Next to him sat two slightly younger girls – one slim black haired girl of about fifteen and her friend, and a rather large brunette who looked at least thirteen. They were both rugged up in their colourful woolies and eating sandwiches, chatting away happily.

The older boy pointedly ignored them, continuing to brood away quietly, until their conversation turned to him unexpectedly.

"Say, whereabouts are you from?" The black haired girl asked, nodding at the older boy. He turned as stared at her blearily as if he's just woken up. Her question did not register, so she repeated herself.

He gave it a bit of thought. "Tokyo." He muttered, his deep voice hoarse from his long silence.

The fat brunette gave a small squeal of delight. "So am I! What part?"

The older boy waved his hand vaguely. "Shibuya."

The brunette girl nodded, taking a bite of her sandwich, smiling like an idiot. "I'm from Shinjuku." She said, even though he had not asked her where she came from. He nodded once and turned away again, obviously not caring.

"I'm from Senonishi in Hiroshima, but I moved to Tokyo when I was thirteen." Added the black haired girl "I live in Harajuku, but I spend most of my time in Shinjuku with Kyoko here." she nudged her brunette companion, smiling playfully "But we all call her Ky, for short."

Ky butted in as the black haired girl paused to take a bite from her sandwich "And this pretty thing here is Yuki." The black haired girl blushed, but the older boy just stared at her blankly.

"You're prettier than me, Ky!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

Their argument went on for several minutes, until the ginger haired boy turned back to the window, his expression stony.

"What about you?" the high-pitched voice of Ky called out to him, but he ignored her. "What's your name?"

His face did not turn to her, and he sighed into the window "Neku.", eyes sliding shut wearily.

"Neku? That's a cute name!"

"It's like neko!"

"Meow!"

Neku's lips turned slightly up at the corners into a nostalgic half-smile. "'That's a cute name'?" He chuckled a bitter, throaty tone "That's what she said."

Yuki's ears seemed to perk "She?"

Ky giggled "Someone special?"

Neku's face dropped into a glare, but he didn't look at them. "Sort of, but not really."

Yuki learned right down to look at his eyes, but Neku looked away. "Tell."

He shook his head.

Ky made a sad face "But you look kind of sad, so telling someone might help you feel better!"

Yuki nodded. "Yeah, a problem shared is a problem halved!"

Neku smiled again, this time slightly wider than before. He the gentle waves through the window. "I doubt it."

"Why not?"

He sighed in defeat and closed his eyes as the smile fell into a deep frown. "I'm on my way to her funeral."

The silence was deafening – even the chatter from the people outside and the slap of waves on the side of the ship seemed to mute. A cloud passed overhead and the world outside the window darkened eerily for a moment.

"Oh, sorry."

"Yeah, we didn't mean to pry."

Neku raised his head to look at the younger girls, a thoughtful expression on his features. "No, no, it's okay. In fact, I kind of feel better already." The nostalgic half-smile returned "She was always telling me to open up to people, not to push them away."

Yuki placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "What was her name?"

Neku's smile broadened, but his eyes hit the floor again. "Shiki." He muttered ruefully.

Yuki and Ky smiled at him. "That's a pretty name."

Neku nodded. "I used to call her Stalker when I was making fun of her." He chucked "It was because of the way we met, but it's not really important right now."

"What did she look like?"

"Was she pretty?"

Neku gave the questions a bit of thought, twiddling with the oversized sleeves of his jumper. "She was short. Her hair was a dark brown and around her jaw line. She wore round, thick-rimmed glasses and always carried around a stuffed cat that she'd made by herself." His head cocked to the side as he chose his next words very carefully. "To me, she was very pretty, but the rest of the world disagreed. Her confidence was shot, and she was a very quiet, shy girl because of it."

There was a small silence as Ky tried to find a polite way to voice her next question.

"How did she die?"

Neku's face fell forward as he hid his eyes behind his fringe. "It's a long story."

Yuki shrugged "We've got plenty of time."

Ky elbowed her in the ribs "You don't have to tell us, you know. We would like to hear it, but if you want to keep quiet we will understand."

Neku shrugged, head still down. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt. What do you want to know?"

Yuki tapped her chin as Ky re-discovered her forgotten sandwich "How about you start with how you met her?"

Neku shrugged again. "All right then." He paused slightly, eyes sliding about the cabin, searching for the words to begin. Once he found them, his hands folded comfortably on his lap and when he spoke his voice was a pitch lower.

"Well, I met Shiki when we were fifteen. I used to hate people, so I was pretty pissed when there were some accidents and I was forced to stick by her, a complete stranger, for just over a week. For the first couple of days I'd just ignore her when she tried to talk to me. It was…" He paused "… A very difficult time, and we had to work together to make it through. I know I was about ready to kill her a couple of times. And I almost did, once." He chuckled darkly, but the girls didn't see what was so funny. They recoiled a bit. "But eventually, with the help of some people we met along the way, we warmed up to each other and started acting as a team. And when it was over, we'd come to know each other so well, it was kind of hard to be apart. So me, her and two of the other people we'd met in our week together started to hang out after school. We all became the best of friends, doing everything together, helping each other and sharing everything we had. But then…" He trailed off, sighing.

The girls nodded eagerly at him, learning forward in their seats.

"… Shiki was assaulted."

How do you like it so far? Pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I tried to show it to Zexion once, but he got two sentences in and gave up, saying that he was student teacher, not an English teacher. I didn't tell him that it was pretty much the same thing. Then I tried to tell Riku, but he didn't want to know about it once we'd established the fact that he wasn't in my story. For a while there I felt like a neglected little kid with a picture that his parents didn't want to look at, but then I found FanFiction(dot)net.

And that's where I found and explanation for my life. I learned why my life is so horribly clichéd and illogical. I learned why I'm practically the only straight male in the whole school, and why I don't seem to remember much of my life before I came to Gakko High.

I've learned that my life is a fanfiction. Just one terribly written fanfiction.

My name, you ask? Didn't I mention it before? Uh, whoops, my bad. Must have forgotten. How rude of me.

My name is Demyx Mizu, and this is my fanfiction of a life.

-x-

Author's Notes: So I had these two, completely unrelated fanfictions just lying around when I was struck with inspiration when I came down with a cold and OD'd on cough medicine. Why not combine them? 8D

I usually stick with the actor's last names for the characters, but I wanted Demyx's world to be as terribly close to a bad fanfiction as possible, so I pulled out my (rather dusty) Japanese dictionary and gave everyone Japanese last names, and now I will give you a rough translation. Hikari = Light (Yeh, pretty basic), Kaji = Fire (Like, a real blaze. A fire in a hearth is called a "hi", I think), Shinzo = Heart, Dorobo = Thief (Getting really blunt here xD), Shigoto = Business and Mizu = Water. I couldn't find a suitable name for Riku, so I went with Yami, as I have read it in several bad fanfictions. However, I have no idea what Yami actually means, so I apologize if it's something silly like hammer or book. xD

Oh, and gakko means school and neko means cat. ^_^

Also, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Harajuku and Senonishi are all real places in Japan. I've been to all of them. (bragbragbrag)

Enjoy and review~