Title: Dr. Strangesize or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Write More Crack!fic, Chapter One.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Wilson should really should have known better. Herbal remedies don't mix well with new-age shops and weight-loss products. Strong H/W friendship.
A/N: This fic was born of my efforts to produce non-angsty fic, and stick to one of my 'usual' plotline without repeating myself (not an easy task). Remember, comments are love. :p
"All this was because you wanted to lose some weight and were too lazy to exercise? You're not even that pudgy!"
"I would have if I'd had the time, House, and that's not the issue!"
"No, your overwhelming stupidity is the issue. What kind of doctor takes herbal remedies?"
"Hoodia has been shown to be effective. It was the…additional stuff that caused the problem."
"You don't even know what was in it?!"
"I know what it was, it just sounded like padding!"
"Okay, so what 'padding' caused this?"
"Well there was oil of wild rose, beeswax, garlic, and…sacramental liquid."
"HOLY WATER?! You took something with holy water in it?! What kind of Jew are you?"
Wilson groaned and buried his face in his hands. This wasn't going well at all.
"House, I didn't care about the holy water, I just wanted the hoodia, and it was reasonably priced for it's size."
"You got this at what store, Spells-R-Us? It sounds like a new age cure-all."
"It was at the health store on third street."
"I was joking before, but it's true. Your stupidity knows no bounds." House growled.
"Okay, we've established it was a bad idea, so can we get past that and figure out a way to fix the REAL problem?!" Wilson broke into a shout.
"Let me see the bottle first." House held his hand out.
Wilson fumbled in his jacket momentarily before finding the bottle and the sheet of instructions it had come with.
"Thank you for your purchase of Nature's Way Reducing Tonic, the finest weight-loss product available on the market, yadda yadda…" House scanned the directions. "Okay, it says to take no more than one tablespoon at a time. You didn't exceed that?"
"Yes. I read the directions very carefully. I'm not an idi--"
House flipped the paper over. "You missed a side."
"According to this, you're supposed to dilute the solution with distilled water before drinking it."
"One tablespoon of water for every milliliter of tonic."
"So you got, roughly…fifteen times the recommended dose." House calculated quickly. "Hm. I didn't know health stores had bulk sections"
"I couldn't have missed something that important!" Wilson snatched the paper from him and scanned it himself. "…Oh God."
"I guess that explains your transformation into the Incredible Shrinking Oncologist."
"House, I'm not shrinking. That's insane."
"Okay, so why are you suddenly five foot ten?"
"That's what I thought." House grinned smugly.
"There's no way what was in that bottle could have caused this." Wilson replied, pacing House's office nervously. "It's just a coincidence."
"Obviously. I vote either a coma fantasy or a sci-fi plotline born of the writers strike." House offer dryly, watching his friend.
"It's probably scoliosis; my spine could be bending. Or fallen arches."
"Neither of which explain the sudden onset nature. Or your loose pants." House replied. "That may be due to your terminal boinking of the nursing staff, though."
Wilson shot a sharp glare at House. After a moment of staring directly into the other man's chin, he adjusted his gaze, now looking up at his friend.
"That's interesting, huh?"
"Are you going to help me take an x-ray or not?" Wilson demanded, hands on his hips.
"Okay, let's head down to the clinic." House nodded. Whatever was causing this (House's vote was scoliosis) probably wasn't anything serious, but it was fun watching Wilson panic over it. It had taken the most gentle of prods before he'd admitted to using the tonic. Wilson was such a guilt-magnet, it transcended things that he didn't even need to feel guilty about. Stupid, yes, but not guilty.
Wilson pocketed the bottle and instructions before following House out of his office. "I can trust you won't tell anyone about this."
"Why in the world would you think that? This is primo blackmail material."
"Because if you do, I'll let it slip about your lust for the new nurse in peds. The one born with a penis." Wilson's expression had become distinctly smug.
"It was a fleeting attraction, and c'mon, she's a knockout!"
"Okay, so you're only after the pretty guys, I see."
"Then you've got nothing to worry about."
"That's not what you said last night."
The two doctors tried their best to keep straight faces as they walked down the halls, continuing the quip-war.
An hour later, the joviality had vanished. Wilson's X-Ray had revealed a perfectly normal spine. They were currently holed up in a clinic room, studying the x-rays. Wilson was sitting on the patient's table, due to lack of space than necessity. He'd assured House that he felt fine.
"Okay, so that leaves us with fallen arches." House reasoned. There could be some minor foot pain involved, but still, nothing debilitating. "Take off your shoes."
"Um…" Wilson's gaze slid to the floor. "Okay."
"Nothing!" Wilson took his shoes off hurriedly and got to his feet.
House stared at him for a moment. "Get on the scale."
"You know why. Do it." House thwacked his cane against Wilson's leg.
"OW! Alright, I'm moving!" Wilson stepped onto the device.
House ignored the weight measurement, but quickly extended the height bar.
"According to this you're a whopping 5'8." He murmured after a moment.
"That's impossible." Wilson stepped off the scale. Moments ago, he'd been staring House in the chin--now, his eye line came just up to his neck.
"It is. Completely impossible. And yet, here we are." House limped back over to the table and grabbed one of Wilson's shoes. "But this may make it slightly more digestible."
"House, give me my shoe."
House ignored his friend and pulled a pad of blue gel from the shoe. "You've been wearing lifts."
"No. They're just thick gel inserts." Wilson sighed. "I use them on days I'm scheduled in the clinic."
"You don't have clinic duty today." House replied.
"You wore them because you knew something was wrong." House's eyes lit up.
"I didn't know, things just seemed…weird." Wilson muttered after a moment's silence.
"Oh my God. You really are shrinking."
This revelation was met with House breaking into near-hysterical laughter.
"It's not funny!"
"How…is this not funny?" House managed. There were actual tears rolling down his face, he was laughing so hard. "Jimmy Wilson, boy wonder oncologist, is rapidly becoming his own mini-me."
"House, I came to you--"
"Came to me and lied."
"I never lied." Wilson snapped. "I told you about the tonic and I told you about my clothes not fitting correctly."
"Lying by omission is still lying." House had stopped laughing. "You've seen what trouble it causes my patients."
Wilson, defeated, slumped onto one of the chairs. "Would you have believed me?"
"Probably not." House replied, tossing the shoe, sans insert, to him. "I suppose it's a moot point now. When did you notice something was off?"
"An hour or so after I took the tonic. Just before I left for work."
"Okay, and that was what, four hours ago?"
"Something like that."
"Roughly an inch per hour." House calculated quickly. "So, by five o'clock, that'll make you about five feet four inches. I don't think your lifts are going to hide that."
"What am I going to do?"
"I'd recommend going out and getting drunk before you can't see over the bar."
"I can't take off, we've got the director's meeting at four." Wilson ignored the joke.
"You're going to go like this?"
"If I don't show up I can get my new budget proposal passed. The Pediatric Oncology section really needs the extra money." Wilson shook his head.
"So you're going to show up like this and hope no one notices. Good plan."
"If you've got suggestions, I'd like to hear them."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
To be continued...