I killed Edward Cullen.
The fucking sparkly Vampire fell at my feet, obviously dead. And yes Twihards, he was defiantly dead.
Yes… now literature would be free!
"What? Edward… get up… get up!" Bella cried.
"He's dead. Finally…" I looked up at the sky.
"No… Edward can't die! He's immortal!"
"I used something called a plot device." I held up my plot device. "I twisted the rules of your world so that I can end Meyer's fantasy dream once and for all."
"Who… are you?" Bella whimpered.
"I am…" I twirled my cape dramatically. "The Twilight Ninja!"
Once, a very long time ago, I was part of the real world. The world without Edward Cullen, the bitchy vampires, but the one that had the fans who cut themselves and were waiting for their 'Edward.'
I was what you'd call an anti.
We despised the Twilight series for what it was. Oh, not what the fans think… 'You're just jealous of (Stephenie Meyer, Edward Bella, ETC)' We hated the series for a variety of reasons. The Anti-feministic qualitys, the way they were written…
I was doing it because my girlfriend dumped me.
Basically, our love wasn't as 'pure' and 'unconditional' as Edward's and Bella's. So… yeah.
But enough about me: My mission.
I went to a random mall once and stole a copy of Twilight. I was promptly arrested. And interrogated.
"So… Mr. Ninja." The cop said. "Did you have something against that girl?"
"Not really. No." I said casually.
"Then why'd you do it?"
"The Twilight Series is poisoning our youth, and the mothers, of tomorrow. Too stop this, I will go to any lengths necessary to stop this menace." I said earnestly.
"Hahaha… HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The cop burst out laughing. "My daughter reads those books, and she's as sweet as can be!"
Suddenly, his cell phone rang.
"Hang on, crazy guy." The cop fumbled with his pockets, and pulled out his phone.
"Honey? Why did you- WHAT! I'll be right there!" The cop slammed his phone down, and ran outside.
Another cop came slinking in, shaking his head.
"Poor guy… his daughter just got raped."
Irony is hilarious. I remember thinking. That girl was probably asking for it. I remember a girl I met online say she wished she would be raped be Edward. Although I was inclined to believe this, it might not be true. These things do happen after all.
"Anyway, you're charged as guilty."
I looked up.
"You'll be going to jail: no follow m- HOLY SHIT!"
The door opened wide, and fireworks went off. I'm serious. Freaking fireworks. They flew all over the place, bouncing off stuff. I took cover under the interrogation table. My cop friend wasn't so lucky. He got hit by one of fireworks.
Five girls came in.
"Alright sisters!" The one who was apparently the leader called. "Find that Twilight Hater, and castrate him! I hate those desperate middle-aged men who don't know beauty or twu luv!"
I popped out from under the chair, ninja-chopping one of the girls. She fell, knocked out. Then I ran.
"Stop that loveless son of a bitch!"
I ran through the whole place, noticing all the guards were knocked out. But by what?
I was about to run outside, but then I saw them.
They finally escaped from the internet.
The Cullenists, to be more exact. They're despereate little bitchs who basically worship Meyer and Eddiekins while hating on Jacob and secretly Bella. They were holding torches and carrying poorly written signs. You know, the usual mob.
I ninja-sensed the girls approaching, so I ran out screaming: "Hey look! Robert Pattison!"
"Errr… The guy that plays Edward in the movie!"
"Where!?!?" They turned around, and I ran off.
I got back home, got all my ninja gear together, posted some random stuff on Twilightsucks . com, trolled on the Twilightmoms forum, made fun of the cullenists really fast, sent a e-mail, then wrote a letter to Stephenie Meyer saying how much her series sucks ass.
Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Your Brother is a nasty son of a bitch who won't show you criticism. Now, I'm no expert, but there are a lot of people on the internet who hate your poorly written series. I'm going to explain why I hate the series. This is in no way sponsored by Twilightsucks . com, although I am a member.
First, the characters are horrible. Bella has no personilty, and she's structured in a way that teenage girls can pretend to be her. (As in… conveniently leaving out all of Edward's questions in the fist book, leaving the answers up to the reader) Edward is not that cool… in fact, he's abusive and controlling, and an all around asshole. The basis for this is that he frequently makes Bella do things she doesn't want to do, and forbids her from seeing Jacob. Now Jacob… he's a fucking Pedophile. You just threw him at Bella's second coming to keep him out of the way of Bella and Edward's twu luv… which is not cool.
The Plot is horrible. If not nonexistent. I know you intended the plot to be about Bella and Edward's romance but seriously… they really never doubt each other, they never have any real problems in their relationship, and oh yeah… their in lust. More about that in a bit. New Moon is particulary horrible… it shows how useless Bella is without her darling Eddie-kins.
Now… the lust. You hiliariously commented on Buttercup and Westley not knowing each other very well in The Princess Bride (Which, by the way, is a satire) when, at least, they knew each other for a long while, and Bella and Edward just met. And what is their relationship based on? Looks (Edward) and Bella's smell. The way I (and several other antis) see that Edward and Bella will divorce soon after the events of Breaking Dawn, for reasons I will not disclose here.
Your books are horrible, and if your brother would stop censoring all the 'hurtful' e-mails you might have realized it sooner. These people will explain more flaws in your series, and will hopefully have you improve as a writer.
A/N: Made in honor of the Twilight Ninja, who I know is somewhere out there!