I started writing this before Sarah Brown left and before everything else happened on the show. This is what I would have had happen if she had just left Sonny and not been replaced. It can be put anywhere in the future. Sonny's seeing Kevin, lord knows that poor man needs a shrink or Brenda, but a shrink will do for now. I hope you enjoy.

~~*Believe*~~

"What do you feel like talking about today Sonny?" Kevin asked leaning back in his chair, looking over his desk at Sonny, he'd aged quite a bit in the last few years. It was hard to remember this was the same man he'd counseled over Stone.

"You're the shrink shouldn't you tell me what I should be talking about?" Sonny moved uncomfortably in his chair.

Kevin smiled at Sonny, he'd had him as a patient before he knew how hard it was for him to talk about his feelings. "I think we might save a little time if you tell me why you've come here? Is it about Carly? It hasn't been that long since she left."

"I don't know.it might be."

"Care to explore that a little more?"

"Well you see I've just been lost in memories lately. I found a box of Stone's things that I had hidden away in a closet and they just brought back a lot of memories."

"Like what?" Kevin sat forward, he was finally getting somewhere with him.

"I don't know, just happy and painful memories. Memories of him and our lives before we got so involved with everyone here." He shook his head, Why was he talking about this, shouldn't he be over this?

"Everyone meaning?" Kevin tried to dig deeper

"I don't know, I mean it started with Karen, Brenda, Lily, Carly. I just keep thinking of all the damage I did to them."

"Remembering your past loves is something quite common when you lose someone you love."

Sonny just stared at him for a moment, he closed his eyes remembering and spoke softly "It's more than that.I destroyed her."

Kevin was shocked at the information he was finally getting from Sonny, he must really be hurting to be giving up this much "Carly" he asked, it was the most logical answer.

His eyes opened "No, Brenda." Brenda the name he never mentioned to anyone, who had seemed to fade from his mind to most, but that wasn't the truth.

"You're missing Brenda."

"When am I not missing her? It was easier when I had Carly, I had someone to love and take care of like I would have taken care of her. I would see something that reminded me of her and instead of being caught up in it I could look down at my hand remind myself I still had someone that loved me." He looked down to where his wedding ring used to reside; the tan line was almost gone.

"But know Carly's gone and you have no defense against your memories."

"I know it's ridiculous." He said with a shake of his head

"Why is it ridiculous?"

"It's been so long. It's been almost six years since I left her and five since she left me. You see I always do that. I know it wasn't me she left when she died, but him and I'm the one that drove her into his arms, I drove her into madness, into the sea."

"You didn't kill her Sonny. She loved you."

"No she didn't. She said she loved me once, but I made her hate me. She said she didn't and I believed her then. Then she died and I just don't know anymore. I can talk about Lily because she was mine, I didn't love her, I didn't want her, but she was mine and the only person I've ever wanted wasn't mine."

"You don't feel validated in missing her? You don't feel like you have any right to still be hurting because she didn't wear your ring?"

"She was his" was all he could say

Kevin could see that Sonny was starting to shut down again and he couldn't let that happen "What did you feel about Brenda?"

"What do you mean?" he looked at Kevin confused "I loved her, I still do." That was the only answer he could think of.

"I don't doubt that. When you looked at her, when you two touched what did you feel."

"Searing blinding love." He stopped and looked at Kevin and then started to talk again, he felt the need to explain his answer. "She came to see me.We were over, she was getting married and she came to see me. She tried acting aloof and being over me. Saying that she had loved me and she could never hate me. Then I started telling her how I knew something would happen between us when I introduced myself to her on the docks. I told her how I should have known better, but the thing was I did know better, every time we'd go out I'd swear to myself it was the last time that I wouldn't let things go too far, I couldn't stop myself though. I told her how I hope she got everything I ever wanted to give her. I told her I wanted her to have a life full of love and without fear. She said she had it and I told her then we both got what we wanted. She started to cry (Sonny is of course crying by this point). We hadn't gotten what we wanted, we wanted each other, even though we couldn't say it out loud anymore. I took her into my arms. I tried to just be a friend, I kissed her on the forehead, but we ended up actually kissing and none of the love was gone. It was as blinding and as overwhelming as it ever was and it was gone from our lives forever because of me. We said good-bye and it hurt a thousand times worse than burying Lily and I still to this day feel guilty because of that. She was my wife, Carly was my wife too and I loved her more then them and I had no right to. She was his.I didn't even deserve the time I had with her."

Kevin looked at Sonny in shock. Carly had come to see him for almost a year and he'd once asked her about Brenda and she said that Sonny never mentioned her and that he only mentioned Lily. Sonny hadn't felt validated enough to say that he was still hurting because she died because he felt he didn't have the right to. Kevin knew that to be as false as false could be and Sonny's inability to believe in her love was still hurting him to this day, years after her death. Kevin moved silently across his office to a filing cabinet. He bent down and opened a drawer

"Kev" Sonny called from across the room, shocked at his shrink.

"Hold on" Kevin said as he looked through the box. Finally he pulled out a small tape and went back over to his desk and took out a small recorder and popped the tape in. It started to play.

"Kevin what is it you want me to say?" the voice said

Sonny looked at Kevin "Brenda" was all he said, Kevin just nodded

"Tell me about Sonny, anything about Sonny, whatever comes to your mind" Kevin's voice said on the tape.

"Sonny Corinthos," She seemed to say to herself and paused for a moment to think "I love him more than words can say, how cliché is that?" She gave a small laugh "It's true though. You know when you're a little girl you dream of that white knight to carry you off and solve all your problems, someone for you to love and for him to love you back? Now most people would think that's Jax, lord knows he looks the part of my dashing prince charming. It's not though; I know people think that he rescued me from misery because of Sonny. But Sonny rescued me from myself. He made me love.he taught me I was worthy of love.

I know we hurt each other a lot, I know he hurt me a lot. But I don't know it's like you can tell how much you love a person by how badly you can be hurt by them. I know that's not the basis of a psychologically stable relationship, but the love we shared.that's the kind you dream of. When I was in his arms nothing else mattered. I could validate any irrational actions by saying that if they kept us together they were worth it. I was shot at, I tried to break up his marriage, I was kidnapped more than once, I went through the ringers of hell and I just kept loving him, hell I loved him more with everyday that passed. Most people would have run for their lives, wait actually I did run for my life.he was my life."

The tape grew silent and Sonny looked up at Kevin in shock, it couldn't be over yet. Her voice came back, but it was softer than before.

"He loved me enough to let me go.God another cliché, it's true though. I would have never left him; I would have never let him go if he hadn't run away. I would have sacrificed my life to be with him just a little longer. It's still hard to be away from him, but it gets a little better each day.

I have this one picture of him; it's hidden away in a pair of my boots so Jax will never find it. Actually it's a picture of us together. We're young, it was when Stone was still alive, it was either him or Robin that took the picture. I remember Stone had just gotten a new camera so he and Robin were taking a million pictures. Sonny and I were just curled up on the couch watching tv and they came in wanting to take a picture. I was sitting there in a pair of his boxers, god I miss his boxers, they were always the softest and purest silk, they felt like nothing at all. Anyway I was in his boxers and one of his undershirts and they came in wanting to finish up the roll and I didn't want to take the picture, I mean I was a model and I looked bad and you can see it in the picture. But Sonny just looked into my eyes and told me that I was always the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. And there was such love in his eyes.

I look at that one picture and I can look at it superficially and I see that I look like crap, but I look at my face and the love that was pouring out from it and the love I could see in his eyes.Oh my god, that's what a little girl dreams of.

I still see that love in his eyes when we see each other. I saw it when he told me how he should have known better that he was a man and I was a girl, but that he couldn't walk away. Finally he did though.He gave it all up to keep me safe. He left town, he left his father, his friends, his business to try and keep me safe. That's what love is and I had it in my life and I still do. I'm gonna marry Jax, I'm gonna have kids, but I'm always going to have his love wrapped around my heart. I will love others and I'll live the life he wanted me to, but I will always love him first and foremost and I pray to god he knows that because not believing in our love is what almost destroyed me, now it keeps me strong."

Kevin turned off the tape and looked at Sonny once again. Sonny was just looking in shock at the recorder. "That's the first time I've heard her voice since she died. Oh god how is she gone. How am I never going to hear her speak again. How am I supposed to live without her?"

"I don't know Sonny, but the first step is to acknowledge the love that you shared. I played you this tape because she wouldn't want you hurting like this."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to live without her"

"I know the first step and that's admitting that she lived. She was alive and she was brilliant and beautiful and she loved you as much as you loved her. By shutting her out of your heart you're letting her die. Put up a few pictures, you're Catholic, go to church and pray. Call friends, call Lois or Robin and talk about her, remember who she was. She'll help you find your way out this."

"This doesn't sound like the advice of a shrink" Sonny said looking up at Kevin.

"It's not, this is the advice of a friend, I was a friend of hers too and that's why I played you the tape." Kevin popped the tape out and gave it to Sonny. "When you miss her voice, or her, or you can't remember what's the point of even trying. Remember the love and how alive you felt and that you can have it back. It won't be the same, but it will come if you just give it a chance."

Sonny stood and took the tape from Kevin, "Thank you" was all he said as he walked out of the office ready to start living his life again.