Alucard's Worst Nightmare(s)

Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun...

AN: Okay, I've read about Twilight, but I've never actually read the books... or seen the movie. So, please excuse me if Edward is OOC. But in my defense, it's a dream version of Edward... and people in dreams don't always act like their 'real world' counterparts anyway.


As Alucard stared down at his empty coffin, his expression bore a look of near dread. Two full nights had come and gone since the ancient vampire began his search for Osama Bin Laden; and, unfortunately for the No-Life King, he had yet to locate the man. It seemed the terrorist leader was quite good at 'hiding under rocks'.

Sure, Alucard knew he'd find the man eventually. He'd already 'worked his way up the food-chain' somewhat, and it was only a matter of time before he got to the top. However, the No-Life King was more... impatient than usual. Since finding out about the fourth Twilight book and finally getting his master's permission to do something about it, the abominable series had been on his mind night... and day.

And that was the problem. Even while Alucard laid, dead, in his coffin, he could not forget about the sparkly... things that Stephenie Meyer chose to refer to as 'vampires'. And that had led to some rather disturbing dreams.

The first day Alucard had dreamed that his master decided to allow Edward to join the Hellsing... 'family'. It was a nightmare, a horrible, ghastly nightmare. The sparkly faker annoyed Alucard to no end. And what was worse? The... the... the little fairy had taken a shine to him.

Apparently 'Dream' Edward had just enough sense to realize that Alucard was a much cooler vampire. Unfortunately, that meant the fairy decided to follow the ancient vampire around and continually annoy him with questions about how to be come a better vampire.

It was horrible! Alucard neither needed, nor wanted a sparkly faker for a 'fan'. If he felt like absorbing some 'hero worship', that's what the Police Girl was for. No, the ancient vampire had absolutely no desire to mentor a 'vegetarian' 'vampire', sparkly fairy... like Edward!

When Alucard finally woke up, as night fell and the moon began to rise, an immense feeling of relief washed over him. Free, he was finally free of that nightmare... or so he'd thought.

Unfortunately, when he'd gone to sleep, the following morning, the No-Life King had found himself right back where the previous dream had left off, hunting down a rogue vampire, with the Police Girl by his side and Edward trying to help out... and just ending up making a mess of things.

The... the fairy brought a whole knew meaning to the term 'pathetic'. He couldn't even fire a gun properly. The one time he'd tried to shoot at the enemy vampire, he'd missed completely and accidentally shot Seras in the shoulder! And forget about shape-shifting. Edward didn't even know such a thing was possible until Alucard turned into his Hell-Hound form, prompting Edward to shriek like a startled twelve year old girl as Alucard charged the rogue vamp, knocked him down and ate his heart out.

Yes, Edward was beyond useless... even in the dreams of a true vampire. And that was why Alucard glared at his empty coffin, almost regarding the thing as an enemy. For the first time in centuries, the ancient vampire was actually afraid of something. He was afraid that, when he fell back 'asleep', he'd wind up back in Hellsing dream land, with that annoying faker harassing him once more.

But unlike the 'vampires' in Stephenie Meyer's books, the genuine articles required rest in a coffin filled with the dirt of their homeland. Even the powerful No-Life King needed to be allowed death's sweet embrace for, at least, a few hours each day. So, with a deep breath, one that wasn't actually necessary, Alucard screwed up his courage, laid down within his coffin and closed his eyes.


The ancient vampire opened his eyes as he heard a knocking sound. Alucard sighed, then willed the lid of his coffin to raise itself. With his hands laid across his chest, in a position that very much resembled what one might see in an old Dracula movie, Alucard sat up. He then floated out of his coffin and stalked over to the door.

Alucard could already sense Edward's weak aura, and the ancient vampire shook his head in disgust. Even 'Clyde' had had a stronger aura then the sparkly fairy! The ancient vampire sighed before roughly throwing open the door and growling, "What do you want this time?"

Edward swallowed a lump in his throat and then timidly replied. "I... was hoping you'd teach me how to shape-shift."

"No!" Alucard not quite yelled before slamming the door shut.

"Oh, come on." Alucard's vampiric hearing could just barely detect Edward's whimpering through the thick, metal door. "How about a trade? You teach me how to shape-shift, and I'll teach you how to do something."

Alucard paused and his brow furled, the No-Life King's natural curiosity getting the better of his common sense. Alucard turned back to the door and opened it slowly. "And what..." He asked. "could you possibly teach me?"

Edward stared off into empty space, trying to come up with some knowledge he could trade for being taught how to shape-shift. After a moment, the fairy grinned and turned back to the ancient vampire. "I can teach you how to sparkle in the sunlight!" Edward stated proudly.

Alucard looked at Edward as if the fairy was the absolute dumbest... thing on the planet.

And Edward tried to 'play up' the ability. "Oh, it's very useful... The girls go nuts over it." The fairy continued with a grin.

Alucard didn't even bother to reply. He just slammed the door shut again and started back towards his coffin, mumbling while he went. "I could teach you how to sparkle. Woman go nuts for it." Alucard huffed. "Really? Like I need to sparkle to attract women. I've had a dozen brides in my life! That little... faker's probably still a virgin. Who does he think he is to be giving me 'tips' on attracting women?" Alucard paused and looked up at the ceiling of his dungeon chamber. "Oh, Master, why did you allow him to join? What did I ever do to deserve such cruel and unusual punishment?"

Outside Alucard's chamber, Edward asked, "So... that's a 'no' to the trade?"


An hour passed, and Alucard was unable to get back to 'sleep'. So, although it was only three o'clock in the afternoon, quite early for him to be getting up, Alucard got out of his coffin and decided to see what was happening around the mansion.

The No-Life King was both shocked and enraged when he eventually made his way outside and found Seras sparkling in the sunlight. "Police Girl, what do you think you're doing?!" Alucard bellowed, causing Seras to emit a surprised 'gasp'. "Stop that this instant!"

"Oh... M-Master, I-I was just... just..."

"You were sparkling!!!" Alucard shouted.

Seras's face turned red. "I... I... I..." The fledgling stammered at first then turned and quickly pointed at someone behind her master. "He taught me how." The fledgling declared.

Alucard turned to see Edward attempting to sneak back into the mansion. The ancient vampire scowled and shadow-shifted in front of Edward. "Going somewhere?" Alucard cooed with a psychotic glint in his eyes.

"I-I was just..."

"Who the Hell do you think you are?!" Alucard loudly growled as he began to stalk up closer to the fairy. "Are you her master? Did you sire her?"

Edward shook his head 'no' as he slowly backed away.

"Then what makes you think you have the right to teach her anything?! I've invested far too much time, into molding the Police Girl into a proper vampire, too let some sparkly faker like you come in and ruin it all!"

"I-I... Um-m... Y-you... weren't in-nterested in t-the trade. She was. I-I just wanted to learn how to shape-shift. I-I just want to be a cool vampire, l-like the rest of you."

"Oh, so you want to be a proper vampire, do you?" Alucard asked in a mocking tone. "Well, then..." The ancient vampire paused as he pulled out his Jackal. "Let's see if you know how to regenerate!"

But alas, Alucard couldn't force his finger to pull the trigger. Even in his dreams, the No-Life King couldn't kill a fellow servant of Hellsing... at least not without his master's permission. So, Alucard just stood there for a moment, trembling with a rage he could not satisfy. Then the No-Life King let out a frustrated growl and threw his gun to the side.

Edward breathed a sigh of relief.

But then Alucard roughly latched onto the fairy's wrist. "You're coming with me." The ancient vampire growled and started to drag Edward back inside the mansion.

Alucard stopped when he reached the door. He cast a look back at his fledgling. "And Police Girl?"

"Y-yes?"

"If I ever catch you sparkling again, I'll... I'll..." Alucard stammered briefly as he tried to decide on just what he should do to Seras if he caught her sparkling again. But then a half smile pulled at the ancient vampire's lip, and he coyly continued. "I'll 'punish' you again."

Seras didn't seem to mind the threat... that was, until Alucard added, "Only this time... we won't be role playing. The 'punishment' will be for real."

Seras let out a little eep, and Alucard's grin widened before he went back to dragging Edward into the mansion.


"W-what... what are you going to do to me?" Edward asked as he was pulled down to the basement.

"Oh, you'll see." Alucard answered as he stopped in front of a sealed door. Then the ancient vampire brought his foot up and kicked the door open, revealing the Black Arts room.

Alucard stepped inside, dragging Edward along with him. The No-Life King's hands smoked as he picked up some blessed silver chains from a small shrine.

Edward whimpered and cried as the chains were wrapped around him.

"Oh, shut up." Alucard demanded. "It's not that bad... I spent ten years in these things."

Having tied up the sparkly fairy, Alucard shoved the faker into the corner. "Wait here. I'll be right back." The ancient vampire growled before exiting the room.

He returned a few minutes later, caring a cheep, 'no-thrills' coffin on his shoulder.

"W-what... are you going to do?" Edward choked out in between sobs, as the blessed silver chains burned his body.

Alucard didn't answer. He just grabbed the fairy and dropped him into the coffin. The No-Life King drove nails into the top, to seal it shut. Then he slapped a shipping label on the side.

"Don't worry. You'll like Abu Dhabi, plenty of cute kittens for you to play with." Alucard paused before possessively growling, "Just not mine."

(Well, I don't think this was as good as the my other one-shot. In fact I even debated with myself about posting it. But I just couldn't get the idea, of a 'Garfield-Alucard' shipping an annoying, 'cute' 'Nermal-Edward' off to Abu Dhabi, out of my messed up mind. Well, hope you enjoyed some of it at least.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)