Title: Epic Fail.
Characters: Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura.
Summary: This is the story of Team Seven, a mission gone horribly, horribly right, and good old girl on girl action. And as hard as he tries, Sasuke can't will Naruto's stupid blond head to catch on fire. (Crack)
Warnings: Crack fic, not to be taken seriously at all. Also written in about five minutes and only five minutes because I have so many longer-term projects clamoring for attention.
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"Honestly, bastard, this is just plain humiliating."
"I mean, letting your guard down like that is bad enough—"
"—but getting hit by a girl?" Naruto cackled in unholy glee and, fighting to balance embarrassment with irritation, Sasuke scowled and tried to pull away. The blond wasn't having any of it though and, still chortling, grabbed Sasuke's chin none too gently so that he could press the damp cloth to his filtrum. "Man, she got you good."
A pithy retort was on the tip of Sasuke's tongue, but the pressure on his abused nose sent a sharp zing of pain through his neurons and he winced. (Besides, it was hard to argue when speaking meant risking a mouthful of blood or dubiously clean cloth.) He settled for sweeping his leg out in front of the chair he was sitting on and keeping a hold of the cloth when Naruto hit the floor cursing.
"Ow. Fuck. Not cool, Sasuke."
Sasuke smirked. And discovered that smirking hurt.
Naruto hauled himself up into a sitting position, rubbing his hip and grumbling about how certain people couldn't remove the kunai from their ass long enough to appreciate the humour in a situation like this one. "'Cause, honestly, you being socked in the face by a ninety-pound babe? Hilarious."
"Broken record." Naruto grinned suddenly. "Shit. This must've been the first time a girl hasn't gone all gaga over you."
Glaring at him over the cloth still held over his nose, Sasuke wondered – if he concentrated really hard – whether he could set Naruto's stupid blond head on fire via thought alone.
"And you were even trying and everything! The whole 'oh, I'm a broody pussy-bastard, feel free to fall at my delicate girly feet' didn't even make her blush or anything! How embarrassing…"
Really, really hard…nope. Damn.
"Sasuke, you officially suck at conning stuff out of people. She was supposed to be an easy mark!" Naruto preened and pulled a pose that he probably thought made him look dashing when the end result was actually more retarded than suave. "Shoulda let me handle her."
Sasuke snorted, knowing full well that it would make Naruto bristle in indignation. "Che. In your dreams, dead last."
"Fuck you – it's not as if you're any sexier than I am!" (Here, Sasuke rolled his eyes in as insulting a manner as possible since aggravating Naruto was a salve to his wounded pride.) "She was totally into blonds. I could tell – she looked like she had good taste." The door of their hotel door opened and, within a few scanty seconds of seeing who had just walked in, Naruto was bounding over to drag her into the argument. "Sakura-chaaaan, tell the bastard that I'm totally sexier than he is."
(At this point, Sasuke let out a snort that sounded suspiciously like 'nonsense.' Not that he cared or anything. Obviously.)
Sakura just looked at Naruto with her usual skepticism, taking off her coat. "What's this about?"
"Sasuke failing," Naruto crowed, with what Sasuke thought was an unreasonable and obnoxious amount of glee.
"I didn't fail," he snapped. "I just need to approach her differently. If we go out again tonight and--."
"No need," Sakura said absently and she tossed something at Naruto (who nearly dropped it.) The puzzled look on his face would have amused Sasuke if he hadn't, after a closer look, realized that the thrown object was the scroll that he was meant to have gained from seducing the mark.
"How did you get that?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at Sakura. The sting of defeat intensified – he was meant to be their best bet in any mission involving females who should, by all rights, fall swooning at his feet. And if they were just going to resort to theft, well, he could have done that as well…
Sakura shrugged, looking nonchalant as she headed towards the kitchen. "Oh, it was pretty easy," she said as she disappeared, leaving her calm voice to float out through the door to her teammates. "She was a lesbian. Once I worked that out, it wasn't that difficult. What do you two want for dinner?"
…Sasuke was glad his nose was already bleeding.
Naruto had no such excuse.