A/N: Got up this morning writing Black Horse, Unaware, and Coyote's Tale, and this damn plot bunny crept in somehow and started gnawing at my ankles. I caved really fast, and now I'm posting this in the hopes that the little bastard will leave me alone so I can get the others done. Rabbits aren't cute. Not really. They have teeth.
Summary: Coyote and Dean are making a list. That's never a good thing. This is pure crack, a one shot. Do I really need to remind you that I have no shame?
Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only, and not for profit.
I wanted to name this The Ultimate To-Do List of A Trickster God and His Pup but the site thinks that title's too long. Hmph!
Dean and Coyote's Ultimate To-Do List
"Alec Baldwin. Huh. That's how we roll, sucker. Tentacles. Hate those damn things."
"Told ya there were more aliens around than Superman, kid."
"Seth Green? Aw, I like Robot Chicken. He hasn't killed anybody."
"That we know of. Rumor was when he was on Buffy he didn't need make-up to play that werewolf. Okay, we'll give him a warning and keep an eye on him. Maybe that'll be enough."
"Don't roll your eyes at me, niño."
"Michael Jackson. Hey, you just rolled your eyes. Thought some of these folks owed you, Roamer."
"They do, but not these. Gotta keep that balance going."
"There's…there's really a balance? I always thought it was nothing but random evil that comes outta nowhere and rips you to shreds."
"You back ranting about angels again? I told you before, we are not going after Castiel and Uriel again. Besides they're not even from around here. Okay. Wall Street."
"Told you I'm in for that one. Hey Bernie, does your wife wanna claim this can of whump ass I got for ya?"
"Geez, you're a bitch in the morning before you have your coffee, aren't ya, princess?"
"I need my caffeine."
"So drink your caffeine."
"And what the hell are we doin' up this early anyway? What's Jared Padalecki doing on the list?"
"Friday the 13th reboot. Do I need a reason other than that?"
"Well, yeah! He doesn't really wanna do the sequel. I think we should draw a line through his name."
"Tom Welling? Smallville?"
"Seven, almost eight years and he hasn't put the suit on yet?"
"Good point. Warning only. Remind me again, why are we doin' this?"
"Because we can."
"Christian Bale? What the hell, dude?"
"Heh. Bale's so much fun to play with."
"That was you, wasn't it? You impersonated that Shane Hurlbut dude, and then you went on the Terminator Salvation set and walked through Bale's scene adjusting those friggin' lights."
"No, don't just be sorry! Think for one f--king second! What the f--k are you doing? Are you professional or not?"
"Will you stop with the damn impressions?"
"Okay, okay. Just don't come bawling to me like a bitch the next time you imitate Bruce Willis or Steve McQueen and Sam stares at you all fish-eyed."
"Sam's clueless. All my imitations are top drawer stuff."
"Yeah, whatever. Okay. Bale's off the list. Love those rant remixes on YouTube. Next up is Genevieve Cortese."
"Oh, hell yeah. I am a vengeful and unforgiving god dude. Let there be no doubt about that."
"Well, we could just give her a warning."
"And why the hell would we wanna do that?"
"Down, boy. Next we got Jensen Ackles."
"Supernatural, for one. My Bloody Valentine 3D for another."
"Oh. Him. Sam says dude looks just like me. I don't see it. Good flick, though. And why is he on the list, O Wise and Wonderful Wild Dog of the Desert?"
"Uh, I owe some rabid fangirls a favor. Seems ol' Jenny Bean's too modest and he won't pose half naked like they want him to. They want candids. Nude candids."
"Ermm…they want pictures. Of him. In the shower. Something about wet, freckled skin--"
"Those full lips of his parted slightly—"
"Eyes closed as he turns his face up into the shower spray. Beads of water on those long eyelashes of his---"
"I said pass! You're enjoying this aren't you?"
"Yep! Oh, stop growlin'. I'll just magic up some fake stills. That oughta satisfy 'em."
"Damn well better. Geez."
"We gotta pay a visit to Warner Brothers Studio. Executive offices."
"What the hell for?"
"Five words: Megan Fox as Wonder Woman."
"Jeffrey Dean Morgan made the list? Kid, are you insane?"
"Well, if he can be on Grey's Anatomy again this season, why couldn't he be on Supernatural?"
"Speaking of which, what's the deal between you and Kripke?"
"Huh? Why, whatever do you mean?"
"Drop the innocent act, fuzzy. You suck big time at it. This is me you're talking to, remember? Two brothers on the road fighting evil, huh? The brothers Winchester. Wonder where Kripke got that idea?"
"All right, all right! I used to date Dimples."
"His muse. She Who Nearly Always Comes Up With The Good Stuff. What? Don't look at me like that. That's one of her names. There, you happy now?"
"Date? When did you have time for that? Thought I had you walled up back in 2005?"
"Figures. Anyway, I still say that Morgan dude looks just like Dad."
"I don't see it. And stop pouting, boy. Your face is gonna freeze like that."
"I told you, I don't pout. I scowl. 'S more manly."
Now I can go back to writing updates, so Phoebe, please put Bartlett down. I know you can hurl him with pinpoint accuracy. And I'm writing as fast as I can, Wendy. Everybody else, thanks for reading and waiting. I appreciate your kindness and patience.