You are my life now.

Bella woke up screaming. She was curled up in a ball with her blankets tucked around her. Her vision had been so clear. His eyes, his smell, his face. She laid on her bed and cried uncontrollably. Why did he leave? Why couldn't she be good enough? Why did she even continue to believe in the impossible? He would never want her. He never did. She had just been a toy to play with. She had been his amusement for a second in time, as far as HIS life went. He wouldn't ever understand what he had done to her. How he had changed her. How he had set in motion a chain of events that changed her life forever. He didn't care about her so she'd decided not to care either.

Bella decided sleep was no longer an option for her. Thanks once again to him. Her beauty sleep was ruined. When would the nightmare's finally stop? It had been two years. Two years of torture. Two years of wondering how she could have been better for him. Two years of wondering what she could have done differently to make him stay. Two years of shutting the world out of her heart.

Bella walked out of her dorm room and down the hall. She turned the corner into the girl's washroom. She set the towel on the counter and opened her bathroom bag. She'd never liked the idea of sharing a bathroom with anyone at home but a university dorm was torture. She stepped into the cubicle and undressed. She turned on the shower. Hot water was a beautiful thing to help hide the pain. Well, the physical pain at least. Bella looked done at the crescent shaped scar on her wrist. It ached once in a while. She had never been able to find out why. How could she? They had left her without the answers. She dipped her head under the water and let it run down her body and sobbed. The emotional pain came in waves. Some days she wouldn't feel it but others like today were impossible to handle.

A short time later, she stepped out of the shower and wrapped the oversize towel around her. She brushed her teeth and scooped up her bag and raced back to her room. Once she was in her room she walked over to her stereo. She hit play and as the music started to play she sank to the floor and let herself float with the music.

Cover my eyes
Cover my ears
Tell me these words are a lie
It cant be true
That I'm losing you
The sun cannot fall from the sky

She curled up in a ball, wrapping her arms around her legs and let her emotions take over. She cried with pain. She could feel the ache in her chest getting stronger. He had been her life. He had been the only one she had let get into her, her soul and her heart. He had killed her so much more than he would have had he just bitten her and drained her 'heroin' from her body.

Once Bella could no longer handle the pain it was time to kill it. She needed to be in control. She had her final two exams of the year and she couldn't let him distract her today. She stood up onto her shaky legs and walked to her bed. Reaching under and inside a small hidden compartment in the frame of the wooden bed she pulled out a small box. Sitting on the floor beside the bed she slowly opened it. The one thing that had helped her through the pain.

The psychiatrist had prescribed them at her father's request. Little did anyone know at the time that these tiny little pills would become the only way to give her her life back. The doctor had realized too late that Bella was taking them too often. Taking them to kill the pain and make her constantly numb. He had cut her off, telling her that they were too dangerous for her. What a joke! Bella had spent six months after that trying to find something else to kill the pain. Some drugs that were impossible to find in the tiny town of Forks. She had traveled to Seattle to find them and had nearly lost her life there.

She had met a shady drug dealer who ended up jacking her up with very potent drugs and then proceeded to rob her. She had gone back to Forks and approached some of the lower standing kids at school. They had offered her some of the lower level drugs but after the situation in Seattle Bella decided just to have her lifeline. She needed the one thing that numbed her enough to fool everyone into thinking she was getting better.

Now over a year later Bella didn't want to live without them. She wasn't sure if she could or couldn't live without them but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the pain would disappear long enough to allow her to get through the day. She wouldn't have to feel the hole in her chest ache. She threw two of the little ivory pills in her mouth and swallowed them down. She knew it would be a while before they kicked in so she hit a button on her stereo.

She had moved away from classical music after he left. She couldn't handle the reminders of him. She listened to sad sappy love songs. Love songs about broken hearts. It should have been the last thing for her to want to listen to but in a strange way it made her believe she wasn't the only girl to have her heart ripped from her chest and stomped into a million pieces.

Stop every clock
Stars are in shock
The river will flow to the sea
I wont let you fly
I wont say goodbye
I wont let you slip away from me

Bella had decided a long time ago she wasn't going to let him totally disappear. She fed off the pain now. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it wouldn't allow her to move on. But who else cared? There was no one in the world for her. He had been her heart and soul. He understood her better than anyone. He had taken her love away with him even though he had found her to be a joke. She would move through life feeding off the pain, being stronger instead of weaker. She would never let anyone get close again. Bella was afraid if she did that the pain would disappear and she wouldn't have her constant drug.

Now there was the joke. She couldn't live with the pain and took drugs to kill it. She also wanted the pain because it fed her, pushed her through life. She wanted both and neither at the same time. Would the battle ever be decided as to who the winner would be?

Bella shook her head and looked around the room. Her eyes fell on the clock and she scrambled for her dresser. Damn, she was going to be late. If the doors closed before she got there she would fail the class. No exam meant another semester of sharing a bathroom with a dozen or so girls.

She hastily put on her makeup and her clothes. Black. That was all she wore now. Black makeup and black clothes just like her heart. Black and dead.

She took one look in the mirror and raced out the door. She ran down the hall praying for a miracle that she wouldn't trip over the girls sitting in her way. She hit the stairs at full speed and jumped. Planting both feet on the landing between floors, she swung herself around the corner and took a long stride preparing herself for the next flight of stairs. She landed at the bottom with prefect precision.

"Miss. Swan. What have I told you about running inside the dorm?" a voice boomed from the room next to the stairs.

Shit. "Sorry, Jennifer. But I am going to be late." The dorm mother was only a few years older than Bella but she acted like she was a fifty-some year old grandmother. Jennifer was a happy woman but a really stick in the mud. No boys, curfew, no drugs, no running in the halls, etc. Sometimes she was a wonderful person to have around and sometimes she was a royal pain in the ass.

Bella flew out the door and across the grounds of the university ignoring everyone along the way. She was so caught up in her present course of getting to the building across the property that she didn't see the little figure sitting in the yellow Porsche.

The words to the song come from Ryandan. The song is called Tears of an Angel. I think the song fits perfectly for Edward leaving Bella. You will find some of their lyrics put through this story and the name of the song the lyrics came from at the end of the chapter.