I can't remember where I heard this, but dammit, I got a good idea.
I know officially love the phrase 'Fuck my life', and along with my unhealthy obsession with Deidara and Sasori, you can imagine what he'll be saying most of the time.
Ten points to anybody able to spot the Dane Cook joke.
HAHA I MADE SASORI HORRIBLY OOC ¾ OF THE WAY THROUGH THIS. TAKE THAT, GOOD WRITING!
It was a dark and stormy night.
In fact, it was a really dark and stormy night. Due to Pein's somewhat unhealthy obsession with rain (and Konan, but that, my friends, is a story only they would like to know) he banned all missions and just watched the rain. You see, Pein had absolutely no life. The kind of life one would lead if one played World of Warcraft every hour of every day of every month of every year.
However, due to the extreme lack of entertainment at the Akatsuki, ("God damn that Kakuzu, cheap-ass whore!" Hidan had put it bluntly) the members had to entertain themselves. And by 'entertain' themselves, I mean 'watch Tobi make an ass of himself'. Or, 'watch Zetsu try to eat Tobi, because damn that schizophrenic asshole was funny'. Either way, Tobi would have to suffer. But since the boy could not die (much to Deidara's dismay), Tobi was perfectly safe. Sort of.
"Kakuzu, you are a cheap whore!" Hidan hissed at his partner, and Kakuzu sent him a glare. Kakuzu was tapping his fingers absentmindedly on the table, and watched the rain fall. Kisame was sleeping, holding his pet goldfish, 'Mr. Shiny-shines'. Tobi was bugging the hell out of Deidara, and Sasori was watching with amusement as Tobi bugged the hell out of Deidara. Hidan was swearing at their crappy cable T.V., while Itachi was playing paddleball, and for a blind guy, he was doing rather well.
"Ack! Fuck this shit, I need to go pray."
"What the fuck, Kuzu?!" Hidan growled, and Kakuzu sent him yet another glare.
"You bled all over the floor you douche, and I had to clean up the goddamn blood." Hidan sent him a death glare, and readied his scythe, but Sasori grabbed it.
"No. If you two want to go have angry, kinky sex, that's fine, but do it where we aren't watching."
"Go to hell, Pinocchio."
"Already there, sport." Hidan's eyes twitched, and Deidara sent him a bored glare from across the room.
"Hidan, shut the hell up, un." Deidara said, and tipped the chair back, making pictures with the ceiling cracks. A vein in Hidan's head popped.
"Pft. Like you're one to talk, blondie. Fuckin'...you n' Pinocchio are walking sex toys." Deidara eyes flew open, and he fell back in his chair. The pencil Sasori was holding snapped in two.
"Hidan..." Sasori threw him a threatening look, and the masochist wore a bored look on his face. He smirked.
"Well, it's not like everybody here doesn't know you two aren't fucki—." Hidan was interrupted as a punch was thrown towards his face. Deidara cracked his knuckles, and sighed.
"...we seriously need to find something to entertain ourselves with." Itachi said, placing the paddle to the left of him. Tobi started to flail.
"Ooh! Ooh! Tobi knows, Tobi knows! Let's play Truth or Dare!" The awkward silence that passed was so awkward, the gay baby spawned forth from said awkward silence was as gay as Deidara ("HEY, UN!" he called towards the ominous voice) and Ru Paul mixed together.
"Okay Tobi. Whatever. One, two, three, not it!"
"Not i-aw, fuck you guys." Hidan said, and sighed, biting on his lower lip. "Okay shrimpy. I chose dare." Tobi tilted back and forth for a moment, wracking his (lack thereof) brain of what to force the immortal masochist to do.
"I know! Go to Leader-sama's room and confess your undying love for Konan-san!" Hidan immediately jolted upward, and cringed.
"Fuck that shit! Pein'll have my ass for that!" Kakuzu rolled his eyes.
"Pussy." Hidan hissed towards the older man, and stood up from his seat violently. He glared at the older man as he walked down the hallway towards Pein's room.
"Shout it so we can hear it, pussy." Kakuzu said, getting a good yuck or two from the situation. Hidan ground his teeth together, and Sasori smirked.
'That's what that asshole gets for calling me gay. I mean, how the hell does he know that anyway...oh shit.'
"Konan, I love you with all my heart!" Hidan shouted, and a vase was immediately heard shattering.
"Hidan what the f—GET OUT BEFORE I CASTRATE YOU!" Hidan ran out of the room as fast as his legs would allow, and immediately dove into the chair, sitting as calmly as ever, despite shaking as if he'd seen a ghost.
"Nice job, pussy." Kakuzu said, sipping on some freshly-made hot chocolate.
"Shut the fuck up."
"Tobi, I have to say that was a good dare. Hell, you aren't totally retarded after all..." Zetsu said, causing the younger(?) to squeal at the tiny compliment.
"'Ey shrimp, don't get your goddamn panties in a bunch. Anyway. Kuzu! You don't get a choice—,"
"I hope you die a painful death, Hidan." Kakuzu said, narrowing his eyes at the younger, who wore a smug grin on his face, and leaned back in his chair.
"Eh, shut the hell up, prick. Anyway, I dare you to lick Tobi." Kakuzu clenched his fists, and got up. Tobi blushed underneath his mask.
"This will be quick. Do not, I repeat, do not get any ideas from this, okay?" Kakuzu quickly lifted down his mask and licked poor Tobi, who immediately grappled to Zetsu after the 'horrible, terrifying experience was over'. Kakuzu glared at Tobi and Hidan.
"Ah...there, there...Tobi...Could you please stop." Zetsu said, which had no effect on the crying boy. He sighed, and put a hand on his head comfortingly.
"Blindy, truth or dare?" Itachi narrowed his eyes at the nickname, and hissed.
"Kakuzu-san, I find that offensive."
"...You think I care?"
"...Good point. Truth." The rest of the members groaned at Itachi's lack of enthusiasm.
"Fuck, Itachi. Kuzu over there licked Shrimp. I mean, come on! You're such a pussy." Itachi had the urge to Amaterasu Hidan. Oh how very good it would feel to see him burn...in pain...
"Itachi-san. Please refrain from hurting Hidan-san. Even though the bastard deserves it." Zetsu said, still holding the sniffling Tobi.
"I still stick to my decision." Itachi said, and folded his arms. Kakuzu groaned. Truths were very difficult to think of. Just saying 'go have sex with that lamppost' was quite easier than thinking of something that everybody knew that they were going to lie about.
But then Kakuzu got an idea.
"You a virgin?" Itachi spit out his drink all over Kisame, who wasn't very appreciative of that. Itachi wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his cloak, and Kisame wiped off his face with the quicker picker upper, Bounty ©.
"Well, Itachi-sama?" Tobi said, and poked the back of Itachi's head, causing him to hiss at the younger.
"If you must know, yes, I am a virgin." The awkward silence passed, and an even gayer baby was born. The awkward silence was only broken by Hidan and Deidara's falling to the floor and laughing so hard they nearly pissed themselves.
"You...you have got to be kidding me...! I mean, even I, the freak with mouths on his hands, have gotten laid, un!" Kakuzu bit back the remark, 'We know, Deidara; Sasori was the one who deflowered you.'
"Fuck, Itachi! I mean just...fuck...holy SHIT!" Hidan tried to stand up again, but ended up falling back down to the ground.
"Yes, yes. Laugh, you assholes." Itachi said, and was secretly killing both of them inside his mind.
"Oh...oh god...Sorry about that, Itachi." Deidara said, and slowly got back up into his seat, as did Hidan.
"Okay Deidara-kun, truth or dare." Deidara pouted, knowing full-well that either option was going to have something to do with Sasori.
"Dare, un." He said, and glared at Itachi. Kisame leaned over and whispered something into his ear, and Itachi smirked slightly. Deidara gulped. This couldn't be good.
The whispering stopped, and Itachi gave a slight nod to Kisame. Sasori and Deidara shared a look of despair, both thinking the same thing.
'Well shit, we're going to be found out.'
"Deidara I dare you to French kiss Sasori."
"......can......can I do it to Tobi instead?"
"You whore!" Sasori hissed, and narrowed his eyes at him.
"We gots drama in the goddamn war room, bitches!" Hidan shouted dramatically, and Kakuzu threw a box of ramen at his head.
"So I take it that Sasori's immediate jealousy and your hesitance means you two are quite obviously having relations, am I correct?" Sasori narrowed his eyes at Itachi. Damned Uchihas. Deidara visibly stiffened.
"So...what the hell are you two, then? Are you fuck buddies or...what the hell, man?" Deidara looked over to Kakuzu for some reinforcement on maiming the masochist, but he stood visibly firm, also curious about the two's relationship.
".......well........uh." Yet another homosexual child was brought into this world.
"...aw fuck it, Deidara."
"You mean, 'I fuck Deidara', correct Pinocchio?" Hidan said, leaning over towards Sasori, who had the sudden urge to poison him and prod him with very sharp objects.
"Go play in traffic, Hidan. Or better yet, go play in traffic and then convert to Christianity." Sasori said, giving him a sharp glare that made even Hidan shudder. Hidan reached down to make sure his testicles were still there, and that Sasori hadn't chopped them off in the last two seconds.
"So you two are having sex, then? Damn, Sasori. Nice job tapping that ass." Deidara threw a glare over to Zetsu.
"...so...who tops...?" Deidara hid his face in his arms and let out a wail. Sasori growled.
"...it's Pinocchio, isn't it? Goddamn, Deidara. Just...goddamn..." Hidan wiped tears coming out of his eyes, and Sasori whipped out a scroll from his back. Deidara kicked it out of his hand, and it flew across the floor.
"No. Hidan might like it, but no. I don't want to get all violent in the one area with the T.V., albeit a crappy T.V goddamn you Kakuzu, un!" Deidara said, barking at the older man. Kakuzu shrugged, and continued to absentmindedly draw circles on the table with his fingers.
"Called it. Pay up, Kisame." Zetsu said, grinning maniacally. Kisame swore under his breath, and fished (Ha! Get it? Because he looks like a fish!? I'll shut up now.) around in his pockets for his wallet. Deidara and Sasori threw Zetsu stupid looks.
"...wait wait wait wait...you bet on us that we were gay?" Sasori said, hands up and still staring at Zetsu with a stunned look on his face.
"Not really. We bet that you two were having intercourse. And we were right. Damn puppet, I wanted to get in his pants." Deidara fainted about two seconds later. Sasori went over to see if his partner hit his head on anything. Much to his (dis)pleasure, he was fine. Dammit.
"S-Senpai is having relations with Sasori-san...? Can we do that Zetsu-san?"
"NO. NO." Zetsu snarled at Tobi, who seemed rather let down at his decision. Sasori threw Deidara over his shoulder, and headed of to their shared room. (1)
However, Pein decided to stop being an emo bitch after he had hunger pangs, and Konan's incessant bitching at him to 'eat something, dammit, or else I'll throw out your porn collection and yes, thank you, I do know where it's at'. He grumbled something about 'annoying woman' and 'why do I love her again'. He stopped to look at Sasori and the unconscious Deidara in a compromising position. Pein and Konan stopped to look at the unconscious Deidara strung over Sasori's shoulder, who was, at that moment, whistling.
"...oh...oh hi..." Sasori blinked, and the awkward silence spawned yet another gay baby. Konan raised her finger to speak, but decided not to. Pein grumbled, and dug into his pocket for five dollars, and handed it to Konan.
"What the hell, man! Even you, Leader, bet that we were gay!?" Sasori shouted, and Pein looked to the ground in both shame and anger, while Konan smugly smiled.
"I...fuck my life." Sasori hissed, and dragged Deidara to their room. He laid him down on the bed awkwardly, and decided to work on his puppets. Aggravatingly, none of them needed work. So he tried to wake Deidara. Maybe he could help him in Hidan's castration.
"Gfgrhfghfh." Deidara jerked awake, as if he was coming out of an exorcism. He blinked, and stared at Sasori.
"Eh...? Danna, what the hell happened, un? I only remember blacking out. And Hidan being a total douchebag, but then again, that's usually expected of him." Sasori shrugged. Deidara smirked.
"So apparently everybody knows. Everybody." Deidara cringed.
"Well...fuck my life." Deidara said. Sasori tugged on his wrist.
"Come along, man-bitch."
"Danna, you prick. I am not your man-bitch, un." Deidara crossed his arms, and childishly stuck his tongue out at Sasori, who smirked.
"That's right. You're just my bitch."
"Fuck my life..." Deidara hissed at him, and Sasori's smirk grew wider. He dragged Deidara by the wrist back into the living room (which seemed to be a rather ironic for Sasori) and he cleared his throat loudly.
"What the fuck is it, Pinocchio?" Sasori pulled Deidara down to his (extremely short, lol) height, and started to tongue Deidara, much to the other's Akatsuki members' pleasure (well, for Hidan, Kisame, and Zetsu's black half, anyway) and Deidara's slight annoyance by the fact that um, he was Frenching him in a room full of people.
"Zetsu-san! What is Sasori-san doing to Senpai?" Zetsu sighed deeply, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Leave it to Tobi to be a complete dumbass.
"'Ey Blondie! I think you need to get that goddamn dog a leash!" Deidara finally broke away and hid his face in his hands.
"Danna..." He said, a slight whine, mostly a groan.
"Yes, we're gay. Yes, we have sex, no, I don't taste like Pledge. Now, any questions? If not, Deidara and I are going to cut Hidan's testicles off."
"You. Little. BITCH!"
(1) In the newest Data Book, Kishimoto said that the members get two separate rooms. Like, Sasori and Deidara would get their own rooms. But since Kishimoto is literally raping his own fandom, we're going to ignore that.
Fail ending is fail.
Arrrgh this was all to practice kiss scenes, but I still can't write them. D:
Sasori tops always and forevers. I don't care that he's like, an inch shorter than Deidara, dammit.