Hi everybody! My grandfather got back from the hospital today. He is, thankfully, fine. Thanks so much to all the reviewers who expressed their sympathies and told me to take my time in updating – it really meant a lot.
So, ladies (and gents? Any guys reading this?), without further ado, I present to you – Chapter 3!
My mind ran through possibilities crazily as I ran home in the morning. I thought of how fun it would be to do a few of the things on that list – of course not all of them. Some were insane – to Mike. I would finally get him back for all the times he had shamelessly hit on my Bella. All the times he blatantly ignored me and asked her to the movies or dinner. All the times that I had to clench my teeth and physically hold on to something to keep from ripping him apart.
Oh, yeah. Revenge would be sweet.
I came up with tons of schemes, each crazier than the last.
I grinned crazily as my family's house came into view.
Of course, being the psychic that she is, Alice was waiting for me on the front porch, bouncing crazily.
"Oh, Edward, this is going to be SO much fun! I didn't know you had it in you!"
"Why, Alice? What did you see?" I asked, wanting to be sure.
She ran through the visions in her head, leaving me howling with laughter. The crazy ones stood out the most.
Mike was walking to school, completely oblivious, planning to ask Bella out – again. Suddenly, I run up behind him and hit him with a rolling pin.
"Hey!" Mike turns around indignantly, rubbing his head tenderly and trying to find the culprit. I am already in the trees by that point, shaking with mirth.
As Mike is squinting into the tree line, I cross over to his other side, only to hit him with a waffle iron. He spun wildly.
"It's not funny!" he shouts.
I beg to differ.
I come up behind him one last time, grinning at my latest weapon. I grab the huge trout, and swing it around to hit Mike squarely in the face.
"Aah!" he screams, buried under the weight of the masive fish. "Get it off me! It's cold and clammy and it smells like – EW! DEAD FISH!"
The image was followed by a slew of others that looked like they came out an episode of Tom and Jerry.
The family dressed up as aliens and 'abducted' Mike to dissect him and run tests on his body.
Emmett pushed a boulder off of a cliff, which whistled through the air before – SPLAT! – crushing him.
Carlisle invented a shrinking machine which we used to shrink him. Then, we all took turns trying to swat him away like the pest he was.
We were dangling him above a huge pit that alternated between being filled with crocodiles, snakes, albino alligators, and Great Whites as he screamed.
We threw him into a Coliseum filled with hungry lions with a piece of meat attached to him.
I strapped him to a chair as he watched educational television or the Home Shopping Network (how do humans stand that stuff?) and screamed in horror.
I built a huge cheese grater and slowly ran him through it, reducing him to a grated pile of pathetic-ness.
I bought a vicious falcon, which I trained carefully. Then, I released it and it clawed his eyes out.
Alice ran him over with a tractor, laughing gleefully and singing some idiotic harvest song.
We handed him over to a cannibalistic tribe, who slowly roasted him over an open flame while dancing around with painted faces chanting and dancing.
We threw him into an island filled with dinosaurs.
We packed him into a shuttle headed to Pluto, where he was doomed to stay forever.
We turned him over to a group of nomads that passed through Forks.
I showed him the existence of vampires, then turned him over to the Volturi.
I strapped him to a chair and forced him to eat mashed carrots and potatoes.
I chained him to the floor and forced him to read a boring book.
I bought a huge vacuum and sucked him into it, leaving him in the container indefinitely.
By the end of the visions, I was laughing insanely. I knew we couldn't really do any of those things, but still, it was fun to think about.
My humorous grin was soon replaced by a mischievous one as I saw the rest of Alice's visions – ones that that we could do.
This was going to be fun.
Done! I don't know if you thought it was funny or just stupid.
If you were wondering, the things I specifically went through were numbers 1-10, 12, 17-19, 21, 27, 37, 41-47.
If you haven't already, PLEASE check out KSF and CK.
Can you make me laugh in a review?